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I'm a long-term OCD sufferer. This is not new territory for me. I'm saying now that this is DEFINETELY not the worse I've been, so I know how to get through it. I'm just tired of getting through it. My whole life has been OCD, including most of my childhood. I don't know what life is like WITHOUT ocd. Who am I without this illness? In elementary school, my parents watched in horror as I picked the skin off my fingers. In middle school, they'd find me walking around doing rituals at two am, or laying on the ground by the foot of their bed because I was too scared to be alone. In highschool, I was the kid who was late every week because of therapy. The kid who needed extra time on homework because my OCD was so debilitating I couldn't even write. 17 years old and I couldn't tie my shoes by myself because I'd do it over and over. Couldn't eat, or sleep. Even breathing was hard, drinking water. I'm in college now. I work, I'm better now, and older, and less angry, but I'm still tired. And I'll think I'm okay for so long, but it always comes back. It's been bad recently, and I'm not sure what to do. I can't really eat anymore, I'm always so worried I feel sick. I'm so scared of HAVING a panic attack I force myself into one. And my mother was just diagnosed with cancer, and I feel so selfish that I'm still running up to my room after family dinners to talk myself down from some weird high. I don't fit in with any of my peers because my mental illness FORCED me out of being young. It turned everyday tasks into a fight for my life. While most people are out drinking, I'm at home. And it's not because I'm some quirky teenager whO DoeSn't LiKe To ParTy, it's because I know I can't trust myself to drink. I'm already so out of control when I'm sober. I feel so alone, and so misunderstood, and like I missed out on what being a normal person is like. Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed, and I have a supportive family. I'm happy most the time, even if I am depressed, even if I do have OCD. It's just nights like these that I feel so particularly exhausted. I just want to be there for my mother. I look at myself and see how far I've come since being that little 9 year old in a therapists chair, not understanding that what I was doing was weird. I know I am strong, and I have overcome great adversity in my life. But I'm... just so exhausted. I'm going back to therapy soon... which is good. But I need help finding the positives right now. Any tips? 

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