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Depression and loss of structure


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I'll try to write this as concisely as possible -- I haven't been on forums in ages.

I'm dealing with some variety of depression. I was diagnosed with major depression a few years ago when I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Ever since, I've been steadily losing friends and getting more and more lonely. There's a growing disconnect between me and the world around me. It's as if we're not really on the same plane of existence. 

Moreover, I am currently trying to finish my grad school program and am writing a fairly large thesis. My future career -- and there's quite a big possibility of there not being a future career to begin with -- depends on this. Honestly, writing my thesis is one of the very few anchors I have left, but there's also the distinct possibility that I am pursuing this degree for nothing, which is fueling my sense of hopelessness, despair, and my thoughts about suicide. I've put all my hopes into this one monolithic thing and I have no backup plan whatsoever. 

I've started isolating myself again. I barely leave home for work -- I work part time -- and groceries. I'm starting to fear the outside world again. I feel I will never be able to build a life in the wake of what's happened, that I will never get to feel human closeness or connection, or any semblance of fulfillment, ever again. My physical health is also slowly worsening, and I have been diagnosed with treatment resistant high blood pressure.

I have gone through therapy and a variety of antidepressants, antipsychotics, anxiety meds, and so on, and none of them have worked so far -- I'd even go as far as to say that therapy has been harmful. 

I'm not numb or detached or lacking in energy -- I feel everything very keenly, which I think is part of the problem. There is a terrible sense of loss and degradation and doom that are preventing me from functioning properly and taking care of myself. I don't know how to rebuild. 

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Welcome new friend to our forum family.

You came to the right place for support and meaningful insights.

My approach is to invoke clever and powerful metaphors to strategize a way out of the depression cave.

You mentioned "anchors" regarding your thesis.

Anchor is a strong, useful metaphor.

I metaphorically anchor myself outside my deep, dark, dangerous depression abyss.

If you can understand the importance of metaphors then you are on your way to successfully dealing with depression.

To me depression is a natural formation/resource.

Anyway maybe this is food for thought.

I look forward to your posts.

Oscar 

 

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Im and ive been dealing with the same problem, im just a zombie, I feel fine, but about talk with another people cant, im too disconect and with much problems to have a normal talk, theres a bad feeling on me all the time, nothing is good, the constant worring about the present is all the time. Its something persistant all the time all the days, since wake up until sleep. The problems are too bad, at laest to me it doesnt exists me much talk with other people, so I dont enjoy much having a talk with another one, I preffer to just make the talk short, if i were well i could take a momment to talk about whatever stuff with another one, but i dont care right now, just want to focus in the bad situation (i mean, how to resolve it). If your things arent well, the less you want to listen is how good is going for the other person and you listen to it. 

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Welcome (back), vaultedSky.  I understand very much of your experience.  I've been depressed since I was a child -- some times worse than others -- and now I think I'm experiencing one of the worse times I've ever had.  I have a lot of physical pain which GRINDS ME DOWN and makes moving difficult, though I make the effort every day.  I was once athletic and now suffer from arthritis, partly from the years of exercise, partly from a car accident 12 years ago.

Lately, I don't open the drapes in my room.  There are times, however, when I go out that I'm soooooo happy--and that's when I'm driving.  That may be because it's the only time I know where I'm going.  I used to take long, solo road trips, but now I can't sit in a car for 6 hours, let alone 12. 

I have very little hope, but think I should get some.  It will be a JOB.  I think I still have work to do on this plane and until I get it done, I don't think I'll be released from it, and lord knows, I WANT OUT OF PAIN, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.

So, maybe the more work you do on your thesis, the more your mind is engaged, the less time you'll spend worrying.  Maybe.  

Thinking of you --

WOTL (woman of the light) 

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Hi. Your description of MDD symptoms sounds entirely familiar to me. I'm very sorry to hear that you're sinking deeper into that hole and I hope this support community can be an outstretched hand for you to grab onto. 

Many of us are resisting being pulled into the void and collectively, we're helping one another to hang with it during the setbacks and relapses. You're not alone so if you cannot find the words to challenge the dark thoughts, let our words help you push back. 

It appears you're very devoted to your thesis and it's left you without much time or energy for self cares. Self Care is a constant, gentle tuning into your needs. Depression makes it difficult to be in touch with these needs, it sabotages efforts to meet those needs. Remind yourself that you're worth taking care of, assure yourself that you matter and be convinced that you're a better version of yourself when you're not deprived.

I say to remind and assure yourself of these things because it will be effective coming from you rather than from me. Your voice is the only one that's going to change anything with you. 

 

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On 5/6/2019 at 12:46 PM, Atra said:

Remind yourself that you're worth taking care of, assure yourself that you matter and be convinced that you're a better version of yourself when you're not deprived.

This is a real problem with me. I don't really feel like I need to take care of myself, or that I deserve to. The feeling is that life can carry on whether I take care of myself or not -- the only validity in the world is with the work I put out, and nothing else. I'm just the person who does the work. Being functional is as far as I'm willing to go in terms of taking care of myself. 

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On 5/6/2019 at 5:11 AM, mmd said:

 If your things arent well, the less you want to listen is how good is going for the other person and you listen to it. 

I don't necessarily relate to this. At times, there's genuine joy in other people's happiness; at other times, there's a feeling of envy or of self-justified punishment, in the sense that I turn their joy against myself. 

Edited by vaultedSky
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On 5/6/2019 at 12:03 PM, womanofthelight said:

I have very little hope, but think I should get some.  It will be a JOB.  I think I still have work to do on this plane and until I get it done, I don't think I'll be released from it, and lord knows, I WANT OUT OF PAIN, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.

So, maybe the more work you do on your thesis, the more your mind is engaged, the less time you'll spend worrying.  Maybe.  

Thinking of you --

WOTL (woman of the light) 

Thank you for your kind message, I appreciate it. I think a lot of people seriously downplay the merits of work and mentally and/or physically engaging with the world around you when it comes to keeping depression at bay. To me, any kind of free time spells disaster. I'm at my happiest when my days are full to bursting and there is practically no time for me to be idle and to ruminate. 

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