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Hello,

I don't know where to start. I have/had 2 friends... both of them important to me. In the beginning it was fine, I knew they were very vocal and 'strong' people but I admired them for that and you know...I cared for them, we met through work, used to drink together, used to have some chat. There were a few indicators they were too much for me but I was young, on a lonely side(never had too many friends, I was bullied as a kid and a lot of different things followed, that affected me physically and socially) and developing a friendship meant a lot for me.

I mean, there are plenty of other circumstances around to meeting them and how our friendships developed. It is about both, how I am and how they are. I guess, they don't mean to come off so strong but for me it is too much.... It has been going on for awhile, me feeling not quite ok around them. I just don't know, I have know them for longer while and it felt wrong to end it. But some things happened and I just felt like hitting the wall. Like I can't stand this anymore, because I feel skipped over and some of things I say are ignored. I mean, it feels they always must be right and I am young and stupid-one of them said it to me. It has been like this for awhile-I was both ignoring it and thinking-maybe they are right. Because of my childhood etc I felt maybe they were right. Then-I spoke to my other friends and I observed my behaviour around others-it was different. I felt more respect, more even relationship and I acted differently.

I understand relationships are not easy. But do you feel there is point in fighting for this relationships? I mean, one is broken completly.... I just put together sum of events, not nice things I heard from her. Other-I am ghosting my friend. I feel mentally drained and unable to read messages she sends to me. Not mature on my side, but I fear-what else negative and putting me down will I hear?

I am not saying I am perfect myself. Sometimes I can hurt or say things that hurt. But I don't do it all freaking time to the same person... I appreciate advise, or some suggestion on how I can improve my life as I am younger. But at the same time, it is sort of emotional abuse to constantly tell me, I can't do something, that I don't know how to do this or that.... actually, my life spiralled down since I got close to them... I feel like they are using my not easy past to take advantage and keep treating me like I am an idiot without my own mind or ability to do things on my own. I know where I can improve myself and how I want to do it, but with constant abuse and 'over-watching' me it is impossible...

Any advice? I feel obligated to read my friend's message... but I am still scared. I know why. Message can't hurt me or trigger fear inside(like it has place, when done verbally from both of them). The thing I realized is that whatever I do, I do it always wrong. Right wrong, Left wrong. Even if they do exactly the same thing, the same way-they will find something to attack me for(not literally attack, but they will use words game or the fact they 'know better' to abuse me)...

I want to escape from this before I take any more damage. Also, please don't feel sorry for me. I had a wrong imagination of good friendship due to being too loyal and nice, and I take a payback for it....

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You deserve to be valued and respected, honey.  From your friends most of all.  Dismissing your opinions and your boundaries is not value or respect, and I can tell that you feel that.  I think that is the source of the unease you feel around them.  On some level, you know you are not being valued and respected. 

You deserve boundaries, pinkgirl22, and you deserve to have those boundaries respected.  Maybe friends will ask about your boundaries, but that is different than dismissing them outright or criticizing them.  Asking about boundaries can be a way of respecting you, if it is done with kindness and sincerity.

You deserve to be listened to - you deserve to heard out. A friend will encourage you to contribute to conversations, not insult and minimize you.  They may disagree with your opinion, but that's different than dismissing you and your experiences by calling you young and stupid.  (which you are not, btw). 

Your experiences are valid, real, legit - you are not young and stupid.  You have lived and learned, and you are learning now.  You are learning where your boundaries are, and what you can do to make sure those boundaries are respected. 

Don't feel bad about 'ghosting' - you are protecting yourself from someone who is toxic for you.  They don't have to be bad people, honey.  Everyone is good and bad to some degree, and we all have faults and strengths and value.  But sometimes, some people are just toxic for us to interact with.  It doesn't make them good or bad, and it doesn't make us good or bad to limit our interaction with them.  Sometimes personalities combine in a way that is toxic for one or both parties.  It's okay to limit that relationship, and find out how far you can go and still be healthy yourself. 

A true friend will help you through this.  There may be disagreements, but their overall concern should be helping you be healthy and balanced - not forcing you into some mold or system of behaviors that go against who you are.

(hugs)

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From what you wrote, it sounds like you were going along with them to get along. Now, you realize your needs aren't important to the people who are supposed to care about you. This matters because you matter. 

In healthy relationships, we ought to feel like we're being heard, that we're being seen and that our needs matter. You noticed there's a difference between how these individuals treat you and how other friends do. You have a good sense of what a friendship is, trust your instinct of how or whether to continue associating with them. 

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I feel that all relationships should benefit both people involved in it.  Whether it's a professional relationship, a friend, a romantic partner, we enter these relationships because they benefit us.  Usually, the other person also feels it benefits them, but that is for them to decide.

So you have to ask yourself.  What am I getting out of this relationship and what does it cost me?  Usually the answer is pretty intuitive.  You feel it in your bones if a relationship is bringing you more pleasure than pain, or the opposite.

Most people will decide then and there whether or not a relationship is worthwhile or not.  And that's fine.

What I would suggest is that you dig deeper.  What is it exactly that makes you feel bad?  Why?  Are there other ways to see it?  Are there any other things to consider?  Write it down, ask yourself more and more questions until you feel like you have the true answer.  You will know when you're done.  If you're not sure, then you're not done asking questions.

You might still decide that these relationships are not beneficial to you, but at least you will do so with proper thought and consideration and not out of simple fear.  There is a reason that these people are in your life.  I'm not talking about a metaphysical "destiny", I'm saying that there is something about your personality that felt interested in being around people that do not make you feel good.

Might as well learn something about yourself from these friendships.  The more you know about yourself, the more you'll be able to take actions to correct the things that make you unhappy.  There might even be some realizations that will have a profound and immediate impact.

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I have a family who treated me that way. My mother was the one who started from the time I can remember and eventually her behaviour rubbed off on my dad and siblings. Eventually they all treated me like that. 

Well, over a year ago I broke contact. Cause I couldn't take the way I felt every time I visited them. Some days they fooled me and we had an ok/good time, but as soon as I thought "wow, they like me" they would turn around and be awful again. To the point where most times when I had to drive home after a visit or family gathering, I was crying. Sometimes they made me feel So bad that I wanted to end my life basically. 

This type of behaviour started very early and Only Got Worse. That is why I don't see them anymore. I wish things could be different but I have accepted that it could only happen if they respected me as a person. That respect was never found in almost 40 years. 

At the end of the day you are the one that is responsible for your own well being and you have to decide if you can live with this kind of treatment and still feel good or is this affecting your health and mental state in a negative way. 

For me, I had to leave, I had to get out. But the damage is done. 

I hope you can make the best decision for You, one that will build you up, bring you joy. You don't deserve to be treated like that. 

Hugs.

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Posted (edited)

I think both you and @Lilly333 are talking about what I'll call intuition.  Whether or not it feels like it at the moment, seems to me it's a real good sign that you can tap into that.  The very title you chose for the thread indicates that.

My situation growing up was quite similar to Lilly's, most of it having to do with a narcissistic adopted mother who, for all purposes, held all the cards...with everyone.  Though it took time for me to build up the courage, like Lilly, I eventually completely severed contact with all that toxicity, including those she had in her corner.  In so many respects, Lilly could be telling my story.

I want to reassure you on a couple points as I understand them.  I already mentioned intuition.  If you can, give yourself credit for having developed that skill.  And listening to your gut IS a skill.  You're doin' it.

Specifically, too, there's nothing wrong with ghosting someone who's inappropriate, abusive (verbally, as you indicated), whatever.  Lord, I've done it plenty of times.  To be blunt, if they're being jackasses, I don't owe them an explanation and, as you described it, seems like they wouldn't care anyway. 

Sometimes, too, if I'm particularly ornery (and my self-confidence is high AND I really don't give a damn WHAT they think), yeah, I will give 'em an explanation to let 'em know EXACTLY how I feel.  We'll put that in the Advanced Skills folder.  You'd be amazed how differently that makes you feel about yourself.

Not to go all sunshine on you, but those of us who've been bullied have had to develop survival skills.  These are skills to which complacent bullies don't have access.  Nor have they ever engaged in the kind of soul-searching we have.  If it's useful, you might want to examine the survival skills you HAVE developed.  I think you'll be surprised.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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