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Bleep

Cropping up the words from people and my family

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Posted (edited)

***POTENTIAL TRIGGER***

Posts from me, self-loathing, posts from me, bullying (?). But seriously don't read it if you can't stand self-loathing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have no friends and never had one not even in kindergarten lol. So that is why I said people. I have been feeling since 1,5 days 100% like a kid. Have been so in process of transforming into one ever since I ****ing stopped masturbating for a year streak by now almost. But now even my words are in response very cute when I get insulted and yelled at. And accused of stealing stuff, even. I can cry but only do so in my room now. I only cried when mom opened my door for second time *this* night. It is hurtful. Because prior she said some stuff that upset me. I did not retaliate. I know because I did not cry. Have been threatened to be beaten up. NOT by mom. Brother. Did not cry in front of them. What is this state? I hope I can last longer. Before I die I want to be memorized as the sweet simple-minded kid that can do calculus! 

 
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But seriously what is this state and will I be in this state forever because I love it more than the state I had days before? I am calm. I feel nothing. I do feel a liiiittle bit. But not as much as another random person would when they get this much bullied lol. In fact I must say despite being accused of stealing chewing gum from a store and being yelled at and being spied on and getting called liar and some more other slurs and slander that I forgot about because memory is bad that I feel BETTER than days before when I locked myself up (doors were opened regularly for stalking ofc by mom and brother JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN :D) and unbathed for 2 weeks and barely ate. 
 
Do not get distracted by self-pity and rambling, answer me! 
Edited by Bleep

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Update: Well of ****ing course nobody warned me that it was temporary. Why would anyone care about me? Just another unpleasant !!!!. 

Mother opened the door, again. Got tired of it. Fought (not physically). Then she said I am another liar like dad. Banged my head with this heavy thing my brother uses to shave off his stupid head. He got angry and said what it matters if a useless life like yours would die after i told him sorry and he yelled and scolded me that he can always buy new one. I don't destroy his items. First time. Called suicide hotline. He said nobody will care you're crazy.

i called them. He was right. I ask anyone on here that somewhat cares enough to reply, what should I do? Of course nobody cares. Not interesting written. Mother and brother hates me and now nobody will come to my graveyard, sad!

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@Bleep I am sorry that you are in such a tough spot and I hate that there is so little respect in you house. You said elsewhere that you are going to school hold on tight to that and get it done, it will help you to a better life. You do matter you have already made a difference to people here. Please hang in there.

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On 5/2/2019 at 7:39 AM, Tears_Always said:

@Bleep I am sorry that you are in such a tough spot and I hate that there is so little respect in you house. You said elsewhere that you are going to school hold on tight to that and get it done, it will help you to a better life. You do matter you have already made a difference to people here. Please hang in there.

I posted it in borderline personality disorder section because that is what people tell me I am. Not psychologists just people. That I am a liar etc... they are not friends though, admittedly. Just family and people who wanted to date me/stalk me despite me wanting them to just leave me alone, I don't wanna manipulate anyone.

Nah don't think I truly matter. But I will hold on even if it is difficult. I got an e-mail from my psychologist today saying I should still pay the fine of that one day i didn't come. Like that day I didn't come my brother stole my charger as punishment and I had 3% batteries and I was just tired of the physical abuse he gave me that day, he choked my neck etc.... And my mother after i cried downstairs told me that day she wish she could **** me herself so that really struck me a nerve and I called suicide hotline lol. And then they just told me it was between my ears. Borderline symptoms etcetcetc (they didn't say it but it is kinda borderline "imagining abandonment". So I just got too tired to come already next day, I had to recover. I didn't tell her the abuse to psychologist but I did tell the guy from her " company's " suicide hotline section for emergency and I think they write everything. I don't have that money to pay, it is almost 100 bucks. Jesus. I should have come and it proves life is just difficult and it teaches me if my family doesn't even like me world doesn't either. They can't even give me a break after my brother that day tried to **** me out of nowhere, so why should my brother give me? Or is it the other way round?

But yeah, I doubt anyone really cares about me and it doesn't matter. I have sorta accepted it. I stopped talking after telling my mom I should still pay the bills. And she doesn't feel guilty of course, all about the money! 

I have never had a boyfriend but sometimes I think I should end up in prostitution to pay bills etc... but then I think I am not gonna do something I feel desperate to do so just for shit humans. 

I don't think my family is bad, objectively. It is just me, I have never been treated good by anyone. I am weak and strange and that's a lethal combination for society. At uni most people ignore me for example and so do I. Kinda funny because my mom thinks I could have made friends at uni, now she says it doesn't matter, this is same for boyfriend/eventual husband btw. I don't care about either anymore, people who have been alone for all their lives know that they eventually stop wanting. I have turned out to be right always, what makes me wrong that I will off myself one of these days? I don't even care about the pain anymore or what "happens after", she tries to brainwash me with it often that I'll go to hell if I do it etc... but I really don't care lol.

Maybe I'm seeing things wrong though, I've been told by everyone and have been perceived by everyone to be "not so smart". And admittedly I am kinda slow and it took me years to get into uni, I am 23 now. 

Anyways they don't really like me and still open my door and I feel very worthless when they do because I asked several times to stop it and they just don't care. But that's not the biggest problem right now.

As for the bill I am angry about it because that day i tried to **** myself and I got abused by brother and mocked about it and even ignored and scolded at by my mom (she never said sorry, she said I was annoying and needed to be taught a lesson or something) and my psychologist didn't care and only reason why i'm still there is ebcause my stalker told me to re-apply to that stupid psychology after they declared me healthy again (I told you, they don't give a shit about me, stalker said that too btw but refers to general, he was right...good person for a stalker) but now mom has more reasons to hate me, so I will quit. I have ignored my ex-psychologist's e-mail too. My mom forced me to change my comfy mentor too and new mentor was mean, and I quit there too despite my old therapist telling me I needed her. New mentor didn't give a shit but yeah that's why i left. But yeah, nobody truly cares about me. I would probably feel so much better if I'd have cut off my family and bad people long time ago, and then? That's not the solution in my opinion. I have nobody else. No husband, no other family, nothing. And nobody cares, this is the truth. A lot of people who knew me think that I'd probably die alone from suicide. And they are right, if I'd let them **** me. My father said this in a letter to mom too btw. 

i will do the "borderline personality disorder" and "liar syndrome" (funny how the stalker thinks I owe him the truth about my V***** when i wanted him to **** off since he was just simply nobody more than someone i saw as an acquintance - not even exaggerating) and file a complaint I guess, unless the oh supposedly good therapist wants me to sell myself or have my mom use it against me for rest of my life I can't pay it.

you think i should stay with the new therapist? New therapist won't file fines btw. But at same company (i will just call it like that). And i have sadly no more a mentor. I could go back to old one but what sense does it make? Ugh. Ignore wall of text and just read this paragraph I guess.

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I think you need to look at what will help you. Is the new therapist helping? You had said you are in school are there any resources that you can access there?

From what you have written I think that may well have to cut your family off from yourself it seems they are doing you more damage. If people are hurting you they are no good in your life.

Good luck

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If you do have BPD then your family shouldn't be treating you like that. You aren't bad person just because they say you are. Maybe you need to distance yourself from them and decide for yourself what to think. For some reason there will always be people that want to put someone else down. They are just people though, people are often wrong and they don't even know it. You are your own person, you get yo decide who you are. Don't let them decide for you. 

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You guys are very sweet thank you. Sorry for responding later. Our relationship keeps estrangling more and more and I feel I will do "it".

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