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Severe depression when PMS-ing???

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So, this is something that has been going on for a while, and I've debated bringing up with my doctor or not because it sounds so... silly. Like, its normal, I shouldn't make a big deal about it, but it keeps getting worse, and I don't know what to do. 

So, I know its normal to get depressed, irritable, tired around your period. But I've started really having issues with it. I'm on Prozac, which really helps, and over the past year my mental health has made more improvement than I thought possible.  Last semester of college, I rarely ever felt depressed, and this semester has been a lot harder, but pretty great for my standards. I'd say that these days I'm generally mild to moderately depressed, but able to cope very well. 

My issue is that everytime I PMS, I become significantly more depressed for about three or four days. And that was okay for a while, but its been getting progressively worse.

I force myself to eat, or just don't. I absolutely loathe my body. I skip classes because I just feel so depressed, and I just don't feel happiness. I got flowers today for my birthday. I love fresh flowers, and these are my favorite, but I just don't feel anything. And in the past couple months, I've started feeling suicidal again. Not actively, but I just keep thinking about it, and I just desperately want to hurt myself. Like, I was crying, pulling at my hair because I just wanted to die last night. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts before, but it hasn't been an issue in probably two years? And its not an issue nowadays, except right before my period. And I want to emphasize: This is not how I feel most of the time. I have muted thoughts that I easily manage, but rhats more out of habit after being severely depressed for many years. 

What really worries me is that it does seem to be getting worse. Like, going from "this is pointless" to "i should die" to "i want to die." 

I don't really know why I'm posting this. 

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When I was a teen, I knew my period was coming because I'd have suicidal ideation and cry myself to sleep the night before. Since then, I've realized my anxiety, anger, and just general mood is crap for about half the month--the half when I'm PMSing and on my period. I dread it every month, and sometimes fantasize about having my uterus removed. But I want to have kids, so I've been off my birth control pills for about a year and since then things have gotten bad again. I also have horrible cramps most months, sometimes for multiple days. All I want to do on those days is lay in bed, take aspirin, and hold a heating pad to my belly.

I write all this to say that I totally understand. You probably  have PMDD, which is the worse form of PMS. I basically diagnosed myself with this years ago, and I've always tried to be on birth control pills known for helping with the symptoms. Maybe you can talk to your gyno or pdoc to get on something that will help dampen the symptoms at least. I hope you feel better soon, and I'm always here to commiserate with if you need me. 🙂

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