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Lostonesweeping

I Just Don't Know What to Do.

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Life has been pretty painful for me on an emotional and mental level. I grew up in a home with several other siblings, a dad who worked and was never home (I appreciate his sacrifice still), and a mom who had mental problems and would attempt suicide 3 -5 times a year. She would always blame us, her kids, and tell us that she attempted because we didn't love her enough.

Because of the way my family treated me I always have seen myself as bad, corrupt, and evil. I couldn't ever make friends my age growing up. In high school I still wasn't able to make friends. My senior year, I didn't go to prom or do any of the other regular senior related events at my school. No one wanted to be my friend and even though I did extra curriculars and spent lots of time with others I wasn't able to form any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone. 

The past 3 years I have become friends with a couple of coworkers and I have been hanging out with their friend group ever since. Everyone in their friend group has been friends with them since they were in high school so they have lots of memories and past with one another. Anytime I hang out with them, I become invisible. Whenever I interact with them on a one on one basis I feel like we are friends. In the group though I don't exist. I feel like an outsider in the group.

I talked talked to my two coworker friends about this and they told me that my feelings were not true. They told me I am apart of their friend group and they felt hurt that I felt that way. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

The more I hangout with them the more I realize I am losing my memories more and more. I can't remember anything good happening in my childhood I can only remember the bad. I can't remember high school much. Anything that hasn't happened within the last 4 years or so just seem like far off memories. As if they weren't really a part of my life at all. Maybe it's because the day to day feels so long. People say life is short but I can't ever imagine that being true. I'm so tired. I just want to rest. Why can't I ever find a place I belong?

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I am sorry that you feel the way you do, you have found a place here, but I understand that it is not the same as having acceptance in the real world. It is an unfortunate fact that the bad memories will be remembered better than the good, depression also makes it harder to remember things it is a part of the coping mechanism.

I think that it is a good thing that your coworkers didn't like hearing what you had to say it means that they care. When the group starts talking about the past ask them to give the background story so that you will better understand what they are talking about. You cannot go back in time and live those times with them but you can come to understand were they are coming from.

You are tried again because of depression people do not understand that depression has major emotional and physical tolls on those who suffer from it.

What are you doing about your depression and feelings?

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I am sorry that you are in the situation you describe.  I have experienced similar things in my life and it was so painful, so very painful.   

You are not a bad person.  To me you are a hero.  What you write and post here on the Forums helps me and so many other people from all around the world to feel less alone with our own personal agony and grief.  That is not only a healing gift, but a life saving gift and that is why you are a hero to me. 

I am very grateful to you for what you have done to help me and so many others.  I wish I knew what to say to help you.

- epictetus

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19 minutes ago, Tears_Always said:

I am sorry that you feel the way you do, you have found a place here, but I understand that it is not the same as having acceptance in the real world. It is an unfortunate fact that the bad memories will be remembered better than the good, depression also makes it harder to remember things it is a part of the coping mechanism.

I think that it is a good thing that your coworkers didn't like hearing what you had to say it means that they care. When the group starts talking about the past ask them to give the background story so that you will better understand what they are talking about. You cannot go back in time and live those times with them but you can come to understand were they are coming from.

You are tried again because of depression people do not understand that depression has major emotional and physical tolls on those who suffer from it.

What are you doing about your depression and feelings?

 

I'm trying to stay active and not allowing myself to lay down except to sleep. I've been trying to get into my old hobbies again and have started being physically active by going for walks/jogs.

I have been trying to be more involved in my friend group but this last Sunday one of my friends and I got into a fight. We talked everything over and yesterday we had to work together so that helped but I still feel very hurt about everything that happened. Since she's such a close friend, arguments with her hurt the most. Tonight my friends want to hangout but I'm not sure I should go. I'm just hurting too much.

 

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Do go and hangout tonight one of the pitfalls of depression is that it isolates us from others. Ask yourself why are you hurt? Try and look at everything from a birds eye view not from yourself, yes it is hard but the change in perspective can be helpful.

Other than that I really can't offer you more on your friends that is not something I have so that fact that you do is something I see as wondrous.

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To me you are stronger than you think, you are actively reaching out to have friends now. In the past its nothing you can change. It happened as it did. But you are taking that step now to undo that isolation you had as a child. I recommend you go out with them tonight even just to listen. Its the isolation that hurts ya more. Or at least it does me.

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4 hours ago, Epictetus said:

I am sorry that you are in the situation you describe.  I have experienced similar things in my life and it was so painful, so very painful.   

You are not a bad person.  To me you are a hero.  What you write and post here on the Forums helps me and so many other people from all around the world to feel less alone with our own personal agony and grief.  That is not only a healing gift, but a life saving gift and that is why you are a hero to me. 

I am very grateful to you for what you have done to help me and so many others.  I wish I knew what to say to help you.

- epictetus

I'm not really hero just someone who is struggling through life! I hope that I may get to the point to help others using my experiences. I'll continue talking to others on here though and letting them know they aren't as alone as they feel. Thank you for reaching out and talking to me. Means a lot!

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4 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

Do go and hangout tonight one of the pitfalls of depression is that it isolates us from others. Ask yourself why are you hurt? Try and look at everything from a birds eye view not from yourself, yes it is hard but the change in perspective can be helpful.

Other than that I really can't offer you more on your friends that is not something I have so that fact that you do is something I see as wondrous.

I'll hangout. I'm nervous and anxious of what will happen but the only way I can make things better is if I go. Thank you for the advice. I know that real life friends help more and can be there for you more but you have us on this forum as well. Let's all struggle and overcome together. I don't know you very well yet but I look forward to getting to know you better.

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