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I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm at my wit's end. I feel like I am going to explode, and I don't know where to turn. I feel like I am spinning in an emotional circle, and there's no end to it. I also feel so isolated, and that no one wants to hear about what I'm feeling. Even here, where it's supposed to be a place to find comfort, I feel like a burden, sort of like even here, everyone is sick of hearing from me. 

I feel like I will never be loved. By anyone. And I feel stupid for feeling this way. I'm an adult, I shouldn't get so broken up over a broken heart. 

I met someone recently. And, as I've mentioned in other posts, in addition to this soul crushing depression, I have a host of other physical ailments. 

Well, anyway, this woman that I met, she was bit of a beacon of hope for me. After speaking for some time, I revealed the status of my health. She seemed genuinely concerned. So much so, that she knew of a transplant center in Florida with a short wait period. She called, without me even knowing, and spoke to the transplant coordinator, and had them send her documents to bring to my dialysis center. She started doing research, and then asking me questions to find out just how I was doing.

I felt like maybe, just maybe, I wasn't completely alone, and she told me she would be by my side and we would face this together. 

Well, this past weekend, we went out, and we ended up in a hotel room. It was the first time we were going to be truly intimate. Unfortunately for me, I have the double blessing of kidney failure and diabetes, which if you are unaware, both severely impact someone's sex life. To make matters worse, I've always been very self conscious of myself, and now, on top of that, I have a catheter sticking out of my chest. 

This is embarrassing for me to talk about, but I just don't know how else to really explain what happened. We started to get intimate, but we couldn't have actual sexual intercourse. According to her though, with what I was able to do, I was able to satisfy her. However, I almost felt like she was disgusted by the thought of touching me. I guess she saw that I was upset, and I don't know, took pity on me. When we parted ways, she barely said a word to me, and before I left, she gave me a kiss on the cheek that was anything but passionate. 

She texted me while I was driving home asking me to let her know when I got in safe. I did, and she never responded. 

I didn't hear from her Sunday, and I just let it go. Once again I didn't hear from her all day Monday. Tuesday morning I texted her and asked if everything was ok. She said it was but she was very busy with her daughter. I asked if she would have time to talk to me later in the day. I didn't hear from her for a few hours, and when I finally did, she said we could be friends, but she didn't want anything romantic at this time. I was heartbroken, and I told her that I didn't believe that was the real reason, and I said goodbye. 

I couldn't take it anymore, and yesterday I sent her an email telling her how I felt, that I was devastated, and I missed her, and I apologized to her for things being awkward on Saturday, and I apologized for everything I was and all the things I couldn't do. I sent the email at 8PM yesterday, and I have not heard from her. I know she'll never call me or text me again. I can just tell that she was disappointed and disgusted with me. 

This only reinforces the fact that I know I am going to be alone. She was so far out of my league to begin with, but this just broke me. What chance do I have of finding love with my own body betraying me? As if I didn't hate myself enough before, I am now humiliated for all reasons, and degraded, and I've debased myself again in front of her by writing and basically begging to hear from her, all while saying that I know I will never speak to her again and that she didn't need to write back. 

How do I recover from this? How do I not feel like such an idiot and such a loser? Did I really need one more thing to chip away at my non-existent self esteem? And what do I do about her? I miss her so much, I miss the hope she gave me that I might have a support system. I miss the texting, I miss hearing her voice. I miss the video chats after dialysis. 

But then I think, even before this, she would pull me closer with one hand, and push me away with the other, all at the same time. I doubt she misses me, or even thinks about me. 

What am I supposed to do? I've felt alone my whole life, but this brings it to a completely different level. I will face this all alone, I have no support, and this proves that my dreams of finding a little light in the darkness are just dreams. And it's not like she's even wrong. Is it fair to ask someone to be a part of this? It would be such a strain on them. They would have to make sacrifices that are completely unfair of me to ask of someone. 

I've learned to deal with the physical pain and exhaustion that I feel, but I can't cope with the emotional pain, and even more, the emotional and psychological exhaustion that I have to face every day. 

I'm sorry for ranting. This is just boiling over and I don't know where else I can turn.

Edited by xwaxpoeticx

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@xwaxpoeticx

Im sorry you had to deal with this, friend. And I am sorry about the health issues you are struggling with 😞

No one deserves to be treated like that.

i wish I had more substantive advice to offer you. I hope you overcome your illnesses and find someone who loves you unconditionally.

peace to you 

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Sorry you are dealing with so much. Grieving a loss is such a hard thing and even more so when you already have so much hardship. Hope you can find a caring therapist that can help you through this awfully hard time. We are here for you too.

BW

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Thank you. I am struggling day to day, it's getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and harder to not break down in the middle of the day. 

I'm at dialysis now, and I just want to get out of here. I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. I used to be able to occupy myself with something, I bring my laptop and I have TV shows and movies, and a few video games, but I have no desire to watch or play anything. I still have three hours left to my treatment too.

And what am I going to do when I get home? Hopefully pass out, but if not, I'm going to try and make myself pass out with a drink or two and a xanax. I know how horrible that is. My doctor prescribed the xanax for me for when I have an anxiety or panic attack to calm me down. I've had the same prescription for four months, since I would always try to avoid taking anything. For the past two weeks I've been taking one every night.

I never drink either, but I've been drinking a glass or two of rum every night also. I don't want to get addicted to either, but I just need to numb my mind. Otherwise, even if I'm exhausted, I end up not being able to fall asleep and just stare at the ceiling until somehow I drift off.

I'm trying to find a psychiatrist. I need someone that can prescribe and adjust medications. I've been on Wellbutrin for around seven years, and I don't think it's working at all. It's just so hard to find someone. I'm going through lists on the Psychology Today website of psychiatrists in my area, and I've left a message for two of them. I'm hoping I get a call back, because I just can't deal with this alone. It's just too much to cope with.

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Hi xwaxpoeticx,  Sorry to hear about your medical problems and about the tough time you're having with the woman you recently met.  I don't think she handled things very well.  I can see how wounded you must have felt when this all went down.  But from my vantage point you seem to be a guy who has been taking charge and dealing with your health issues pretty well. 

Other than beating yourself up over things with your lady friend (and I'm not down playing that one bit, all relationships are hard) and the rum/med cocktail thing; I think you're making some really good choices.  You're looking for a psychiatrist, you're very concerned about your meds, you're looking for love, you are reaching out for advice, support and friendship. 

All of these are very very good things.  Healthy things.  I think you're on the right path, just don't blame yourself over things that are out of your control. and keep up all the good work you're doing for yourself.👍

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This is just how my life goes. I called a bunch of psychiatrists yesterday. No one will take me as a patient. Not a single one. Either they say they don't know enough about kidney disease to make proper adjustments to medications, or their practice is full. I just can't win. This is the story of my life. Even psychiatrists won't help me.

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Just found this online, "Guided by Medicare mandates, dialysis clinics all employ a masters level social worker MSW".  Have you talked to a MSW from your dialysis clinic about psychiatrists?  If your primary care doc can't give a referral, maybe a MSW can help you find one that works with dialysis patents.

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