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On 4/28/2019 at 10:45 PM, Sophy said:

Sigh...

I'm going to briefly write something about my own situation here if that's okay, cos it's the only thread I hang out on here on the forum anymore...

I've been going through a pretty intense breakup these past 2-3 years. And so far, it's just been the usual heartbreak (tho this is the most painful breakup I've ever been through, so not quite the usual heartbreak, but yeah...)

I think it's currently starting to shift from heartbreak to straight out depression tho, and I don't want to deal with it/ face it/ admit it to myself/ talk about it...

So I'm just *forcing myself* to put the words out here, in the hope it'll make me deal with the issue somehow.

I feel stupid for being this depressed about a breakup... I've always been good at dealing with breakups before... But this one has done my head in.

Anyway, sorry for taking up space with this/ thanks for hearing me/ can we just keep talking about other stuff again now?

Thanks xxx

I know how it feels. No one's blaming you for talking about it.

When the other half of you just leaves the relationship & even stops replying your texts & answering your calls; leaving you to pick up the broken pieces of yourself

Of course it'll turn into full-blown depression

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There is a reason I have never been successful in keeping a food diary. I have tried several times over the past several decades - because I thought that it was something you were supposed to do when you are trying to lose weight. So I would do it for a few days - for a few days I would keep to whatever the plan I had imposed upon myself. Then I would deviate from the plan - and feel shame about my deviation. So I would not write down what I had eaten - and the experiment was over. I think that maybe you are feeling something similar - except stopping with the time sheet is not an option for you.

As I see it, you feel that you are supposed to work a certain amount. I don't know if that is an expectation that you are putting on yourself - or if it is one that is, at least, partially, imposed on you from the outside. You feel shame that your disease has not allowed you to live up to this expectation. The time sheet is esentially forcing you to look your shame in the face - which is a think that none of us ever want to do. That is forcing your mind into a "worst case" scenerio vicious circle - where you can only think of the worst things that might happen. I am sure that you have that list in your head - so I will not attempt to duplicate it here.

So, what is the solution? Stop beating yourself up - that is the first thing. There is no shame in having trouble. It does not mean that there is something wrong with you - or that you are just a big pile of dog shit. You have a disease and it seems that your current situation is not condusive to your mental health. That is not your fault. Cut yourself some slack and remember that, no matter how much of a screw up you think you are - there is a little girl at home who thinks that you are a superhero. Unless yours is like mine and you have suggested that Freddie Mercury might me a better singer than Elvis - then you are just crazy ;-p.

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22 hours ago, gandolfication said:

My main item on my mind right now is how the f*&k I'm going to do my overdue timesheet from last week - when I did practically nothing.  I have no idea how to try to stretch or fudge or deal with this.

Glad you can see that case outcome from the perspective of getting a "better" outcome. It might have been too easy to beat yourself up in the expectations of perfect outcomes. Congratulations gandolf. Regarding the quote above - I''m sure you'll find a way to do so that meets your high ethical standards. 

As far as your kids are concerned ... they know they are loved and you are an attentive father. They have the potential to experience a life not plagued by the battles we're going through. Your best and most important accomplishment is giving them that love and support.    

(((hugs))) all 

@Sophy sending you all the good wishes I can. PM if you want to talk privately. 

Edited by uncertain1
typos; rephrasing
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3 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I know what you are saying. The strength of people who are down and out is amazing...and can be inspiring. I'm at my "best" when I am helping someone else out who is having a bad go of things.

Yah, me too.  It's a principle the AA-ers have gotten to almost a science.  When all fails, help another addict.  It's a beautiful way of living and comports with the best of religious an altruistic principles.  It's the golden rule in action.  Or as zig ziglar put it, you can have everything in life you want if you'll just help enough other people get what they want ( or need)

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Just now, gandolfication said:

Yah, me too.  It's a principle the AA-ers have gotten to almost a science.  When all fails, help another addict.  It's a beautiful way of living and comports with the best of religious an altruistic principles.  It's the golden rule in action.  Or as zig ziglar put it, you can have everything in life you want if you'll just help enough other people get what they want ( or need)

Ha. I deleted my original post because I thought it was thoroughly lame. And you responded to it as if it wasn't lame. Haha.

The one thing my fractured mind caught onto as I grew up was living by the Golden Rule. Both of my parents were strong proponents of it.

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It wasn't lame.

I grew up that way too, and beyond that just internalized it and liked it.  It is been a difficult process to learn realize that so much of business and people in it do not operate that way... And does trying to figure out how to navigate it still practicing reciprocity, outruism, and the golden rule, while also not being a doormat to be abused.  There is another golden rule that students of modern machiavellian shrewdness and self-preservation know:. He has the gold makes the rules.  Might makes right.  These are always in tension, and the theoretical framework that I grew up pouring and could usually practice in the summer sheltered circles of Christian School and world, that times left me quite vulnerable and unprepared for the brutality of the real world.  Emotionally I just find it up rent and distasteful... Like I lose pieces of my soul and I have to be untrusting, defensive, aggressive, or not as fair and reasonable as I would like.... Which is pretty much constant as a litigator.  It was in sales also.

very rarely I come across someone who blends these two opposing forces with elegance and applomb.  My old managing partner did it... Althougg not surprisingly later found out he was absolutely viscious...he was just quite naturally fart better than most that never showing it publicly.

By the way talk about lame... This is the same stuff I always go on about, and I don't really think I have anything new to say.

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31 minutes ago, gandolfication said:

It wasn't lame.

I grew up that way too, and beyond that just internalized it and liked it.  It is been a difficult process to learn realize that so much of business and people in it do not operate that way... And does trying to figure out how to navigate it still practicing reciprocity, outruism, and the golden rule, while also not being a doormat to be abused.  There is another golden rule that students of modern machiavellian shrewdness and self-preservation know:. He has the gold makes the rules.  Might makes right.  These are always in tension, and the theoretical framework that I grew up pouring and could usually practice in the summer sheltered circles of Christian School and world, that times left me quite vulnerable and unprepared for the brutality of the real world.  Emotionally I just find it up rent and distasteful... Like I lose pieces of my soul and I have to be untrusting, defensive, aggressive, or not as fair and reasonable as I would like.... Which is pretty much constant as a litigator.  It was in sales also.

very rarely I come across someone who blends these two opposing forces with elegance and applomb.  My old managing partner did it... Althougg not surprisingly later found out he was absolutely viscious...he was just quite naturally fart better than most that never showing it publicly.

By the way talk about lame... This is the same stuff I always go on about, and I don't really think I have anything new to say.

My life is a series of reruns too.

Yes, it is a brutal world. The sociopaths grab the controls of power and the rest of us have to make the best of it. As C. S. Lewis said, we live in enemy occupied territory.

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Thanks @LonelyHiker and @iWantRope and @JD4010 and @uncertain1 and @MargotMontage and everyone else for your thougths (((hug)))

Thanks for not being like "it's only a breakup, get over it".

So, I have PTSD and am grateful to just have depressive episodes, not constant depression, so I know I can get out of this episode again, thankfully. And I've started a big self-care thing now... Just going to force myself to cut back on work, cut back on other tasks, get more sleep, eat some fruit/ veg each day, take vitamins, do guided meditations, take more breaks, do anything that feels good/ soothing, do therapy, just totally invest in myself for a few months... I've been overworking myself and combined with the breakup, that's just ended in feeling burned out. So I'm going to invest in myself like crazy... And I know that'll make this episode pass eventually.

I was talking to my T the other week, saying that I'm so grateful to have PTSD-with-some-depression and not major depression. With PTSD you have such a clear nemesis to fight... and that energy is what carries you through to healing and overcoming your condition... It's so much easier to beat than major depression, where often you're just in a fog... How do you fight a fog?

And my T agreed... he said my anger about the trauma had been the huge driving force of me getting better and healing... And that the patients he worries about are his major depression patients, who can't find/ channel their anger to fight the stuff that's making them unwell.

So my heart goes out to everyone who's in the fog and doesn't know how to fight a fog.

I feel almost bad to know that my anger and determination and my core belief that I am worth it and that I deserve a decent life... are tools that will help me overcome this latest depressive episode... I feel sort of bad to have a tool that I dunno how to help others here use.

I mainly hang out on a PTSD forum these days, cos there, everyone's like me... driven by the anger about the trauma and fighting like crazy to overcome PTSD and pouring huge amounts of energy into it and making amazing progress. It's so inspirational to see people, some of who have gone through undescribable trauma like torture, or torture as children, things that you'd think would k*ll the human spirit for sure, come out determined to fight for the good in life and the good in humanity. Determined to fight for the well-being of all trauma victims in the world and that includes themselves.

Ugh. I dunno whether to even post this. I feel bad about even writing it.

I dunno what I'm even trying to say... That I wish you could feel the power of having a genuine nemesis (like trauma) and to feel that fire burning inside you that you deserve to be okay and that you'll do whatever it takes to make sure you have the emotional well-being that makes life okay.

Ugh... which is just a long-handed, crappy way of saying that I will be okay... I will make it out of this stupid depressive episode again... I know the tools, I know the self-care I need to do, I know the soul-searching I have to do... And I just wanted to say that I know it's different/ harder with major depression... It's so much harder to do that then... I realise that PTSD with depressive episodes is a different kettle of fish and easier to deal with.

Anyway, excuse my ramble and sorry if it offends anyone... I dunno how to word it properly so it's helpful and doesn't sound dumb.

 

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1 hour ago, Sophy said:

Thanks @LonelyHiker and @iWantRope and @JD4010 and @uncertain1 and @MargotMontage and everyone else for your thougths (((hug)))

Thanks for not being like "it's only a breakup, get over it".

So, I have PTSD and am grateful to just have depressive episodes, not constant depression, so I know I can get out of this episode again, thankfully. And I've started a big self-care thing now... Just going to force myself to cut back on work, cut back on other tasks, get more sleep, eat some fruit/ veg each day, take vitamins, do guided meditations, take more breaks, do anything that feels good/ soothing, do therapy, just totally invest in myself for a few months... I've been overworking myself and combined with the breakup, that's just ended in feeling burned out. So I'm going to invest in myself like crazy... And I know that'll make this episode pass eventually.

I was talking to my T the other week, saying that I'm so grateful to have PTSD-with-some-depression and not major depression. With PTSD you have such a clear nemesis to fight... and that energy is what carries you through to healing and overcoming your condition... It's so much easier to beat than major depression, where often you're just in a fog... How do you fight a fog?

And my T agreed... he said my anger about the trauma had been the huge driving force of me getting better and healing... And that the patients he worries about are his major depression patients, who can't find/ channel their anger to fight the stuff that's making them unwell.

So my heart goes out to everyone who's in the fog and doesn't know how to fight a fog.

I feel almost bad to know that my anger and determination and my core belief that I am worth it and that I deserve a decent life... are tools that will help me overcome this latest depressive episode... I feel sort of bad to have a tool that I dunno how to help others here use.

I mainly hang out on a PTSD forum these days, cos there, everyone's like me... driven by the anger about the trauma and fighting like crazy to overcome PTSD and pouring huge amounts of energy into it and making amazing progress. It's so inspirational to see people, some of who have gone through undescribable trauma like torture, or torture as children, things that you'd think would k*ll the human spirit for sure, come out determined to fight for the good in life and the good in humanity. Determined to fight for the well-being of all trauma victims in the world and that includes themselves.

Ugh. I dunno whether to even post this. I feel bad about even writing it.

I dunno what I'm even trying to say... That I wish you could feel the power of having a genuine nemesis (like trauma) and to feel that fire burning inside you that you deserve to be okay and that you'll do whatever it takes to make sure you have the emotional well-being that makes life okay.

Ugh... which is just a long-handed, crappy way of saying that I will be okay... I will make it out of this stupid depressive episode again... I know the tools, I know the self-care I need to do, I know the soul-searching I have to do... And I just wanted to say that I know it's different/ harder with major depression... It's so much harder to do that then... I realise that PTSD with depressive episodes is a different kettle of fish and easier to deal with.

Anyway, excuse my ramble and sorry if it offends anyone... I dunno how to word it properly so it's helpful and doesn't sound dumb.

 

This is a really good post (so, no to feeling reluctant about it; thank you for sharing).  I don't know that much about PTSD, and nothing firsthand, but this makes sense.

First, I want to say how glad I am that you are able to fight against the PTSD, and also grateful that you do still frequent these desolate pages of the vaguely defined depressed.  And if you do find and gain strength from the fighting, then...it is but a matter of time, that you will at least gain victory over (even if not ever fully being truly 'okay' or feeling good about) the breakup.  Maybe you already have.  But to remind, there is no fault involved, certainly not from you.  I don't know about the other person.

I sometimes talk about my experience with depression (and losing faith) in terms of 'trauma,' but I really always mean this just in a shorthand for emotional, mental pain and ultimately in figurative sense.

People fighting through and overcoming trauma, are inspirational, and in fact these kinds of biographies used to be a real key source of inspiration for me.  Zig Ziglar's messages are replete with examples - in fact, aren't almost any motivational speeches? 

I found books about trauma survivors harrowing, and uncompromisingly inspiring historically, but also (and this seems weird on its face)--really, really unrelatable any more.  I've never gone through anything like that.  I guess the reason they stopped being so, is exactly what you're saying - that my experience in depression and generalized anxiety is nameless and faceless....or worse, I have met the enemy, and it is me.  Because I am one who always struggles being sure that what I experience is an actual real, let alone physical, disease, and I struggle with the nature of a "behavioral' illness being, well, ultimately about behavior, which implies a high degree of choice, decision, and will, the enemy most immediately obvious and identifiable--in fact perhaps the only one identifiable--is inevitably, me.  And there's no winning against oneself.  Part of this, I know, or at least feel sure, is a lie - depression's first casualty is the truth.  I succumb to believing that this is all me, my fault, it is who I am, and it is all that I

The exception to the traumatic biography, is that I've continued to read all these books, and podcasts, etc. about people who have survived depression.  What they lack in the obvious, justified pathos, they more than make up for (to me naturally) in a kind of cerebral, excruciating ache and fear...of ultimately what is unknown and undefined.  Lincoln's Melancholy is one of the greatest.  Kay Redfield Jamison's books are good.  There's a Berkeley law professor who gave a long form interview when she 'came out' as having schizoaffective disorder. 

Those fighting against schizoaffective disorder and the borderline personality disorder--(some of BPD traits which I probably share unfortunately)--are the ones that amaze me most, like the depression equivalent of Helen Keller, who may herself have had elements of the conditions, when younger.  Side note:  Her teacher, Anne Sullivan was kept in the 'dungeon' of an insane asylum a s child, and recovered in part through a conscientious nurse who began eating meals and talking to her when no one else tried). 

I've read 8-9 biographies of Churchill, a childhood hero still, but only one book dealt with his 'black dog' manic depressive illness from and from afar, not really in his own words.  I am very thankful to live in a time when many actors, celebrities and other famous leaders often talk about their own experience with depression, and so it is gradually becoming less taboo - a kind of dormant mission of mine to help that effort.  A lot has been written about the fact that lawyers deal with this in notoriously higher proportions than a general population.

I personally believe there is no scarier thing than the unknown...you can see this in the best suspense horror films...the anticipation of something unknown is more terrifying than even the monster you know.  And this means that the future, by definition, is frightening.  And that is always, because we're always just on the short side of the next moment.  I know how bad the past has been; I can only imagine how bad the future could be--and imagine I do, as pattern recognition and abstract imagination are the sine qua non of the human experience, especially absent a non-judgmental, present moment awareness and acceptance.

One of the benefits of Christianity, was that there was a named and clearly identifiable enemy - Satan, and sin.  I was never really that big myself into blaming everything on Satan.  But those around me and the milieu were, and the idea was vivid enough, and taken literally, and I did believe it, and read C.S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters (seriously overrated) and Frank Peretti's This Present Darkness series of books, and the Left Behind series - god what bad fiction btw! - and so at least there was this Manichean good vs. evil, dark vs. light dichotomy. 

Even though I was always of a nature to internalize my character flaws (maybe this was my original sin of 'pride' and in a perverse way even 'selfishness' that separates me from the love of God - this is a popular theory I can't refute), what this binary good vs. evil narrative did still do for me, was created a namable enemy, against which I fought.  And it is a strange and difficult thing to overestimate why and how much, having an enemy, gives one purpose to struggle against.  Every political leader does this.  Some make it aspirational (FDR's fear of fear itself was to be overcome, Obama's hope and change was a rallying cry to prevail against despair and cynicism), while others make it pure fear-based (Drumph's terror of the marauding caravans of rap ists).

I liken it to the difference between WWII, where we had an intelligibly defined, identifiable, named, uniformed force - the Axis - against which to direct all of our energy and emotion, and I surmise it is a form of release, and engenders wellbeing, kind of like boxing to relieve stress, and also to allow us to feel better about ourselves.  If my mission is the proverbial fighting Naz is, then if I struggle with life, perhaps I can look to that evil enemy and be less likely to condemn myself, after all (and I mean this not sarcastically).  Whereas, with the much more nebulous enemies in the 'war on terr or,' who is my enemy?  Where is he?  He's not necessarily uniformed, or consolidated, or organized, or in one place, or even of one, homogeneous ideology.  And really, it is the ideology of hate and fear that is the enemy - which is inherently amorphous.  

And so it is with at least my depression.  What am I to fight against?  A list of diagnostic criterion?  A name ascribed as a description of what is simply the way I experience virtually all of life?  A mindset?  Emotional dystopia?  It always feels like trying to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, when the problem is I am in the boots.  I am part of it, and it is me, it seems.  I know I'm much more than that, but the Noonday Demon still dominates, intimidates, makes boys out of men, and paralyzes.  

Every time I write something like this about depression, I feel like it is the same thought I've expressed dozens of times, and that's gone through my head millions.  There's no progress or movement.  I feel frozen in time, broken record, Sisyphus, pushing the same boulder up the same hill, then back down again.  It never seems to move or go anywhere.  And I'm sure this is one reason life seems to be so certainly pointless, hopeless, and un-evolving.  It just repeats.  A few months ago, I watched enough of a TED talk to hear the presenter talk about a study that showed something like most people basically repeating about 90% of their thoughts over and over, with only about 10% new.  It reflected my own experience.

 

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10 hours ago, Sophy said:

I dunno what I'm even trying to say... That I wish you could feel the power of having a genuine nemesis (like trauma) and to feel that fire burning inside you that you deserve to be okay and that you'll do whatever it takes to make sure you have the emotional well-being that makes life okay. 

Except some of us still dunno if our lives can ever be okay anymore.

Do you know why we don't think "it's only a breakup"? Because I've been there.

What I posted about the other 50% of you just leaves the relationship; really did happen. Heck, many of us will give thousands of dollars to "just feel burned out".

@Sophy I hope your PTSD episodes remain just that: episodes. Not even the best glue can put one who has been torn to pieces back together again.

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15 hours ago, Sophy said:

Thanks @LonelyHiker and @iWantRope and @JD4010 and @uncertain1 and @MargotMontage and everyone else for your thougths (((hug)))

Thanks for not being like "it's only a breakup, get over it".

So, I have PTSD and am grateful to just have depressive episodes, not constant depression, so I know I can get out of this episode again, thankfully. And I've started a big self-care thing now... Just going to force myself to cut back on work, cut back on other tasks, get more sleep, eat some fruit/ veg each day, take vitamins, do guided meditations, take more breaks, do anything that feels good/ soothing, do therapy, just totally invest in myself for a few months... I've been overworking myself and combined with the breakup, that's just ended in feeling burned out. So I'm going to invest in myself like crazy... And I know that'll make this episode pass eventually.

I was talking to my T the other week, saying that I'm so grateful to have PTSD-with-some-depression and not major depression. With PTSD you have such a clear nemesis to fight... and that energy is what carries you through to healing and overcoming your condition... It's so much easier to beat than major depression, where often you're just in a fog... How do you fight a fog?

And my T agreed... he said my anger about the trauma had been the huge driving force of me getting better and healing... And that the patients he worries about are his major depression patients, who can't find/ channel their anger to fight the stuff that's making them unwell.

So my heart goes out to everyone who's in the fog and doesn't know how to fight a fog.

I feel almost bad to know that my anger and determination and my core belief that I am worth it and that I deserve a decent life... are tools that will help me overcome this latest depressive episode... I feel sort of bad to have a tool that I dunno how to help others here use.

I mainly hang out on a PTSD forum these days, cos there, everyone's like me... driven by the anger about the trauma and fighting like crazy to overcome PTSD and pouring huge amounts of energy into it and making amazing progress. It's so inspirational to see people, some of who have gone through undescribable trauma like torture, or torture as children, things that you'd think would k*ll the human spirit for sure, come out determined to fight for the good in life and the good in humanity. Determined to fight for the well-being of all trauma victims in the world and that includes themselves.

Ugh. I dunno whether to even post this. I feel bad about even writing it.

I dunno what I'm even trying to say... That I wish you could feel the power of having a genuine nemesis (like trauma) and to feel that fire burning inside you that you deserve to be okay and that you'll do whatever it takes to make sure you have the emotional well-being that makes life okay.

Ugh... which is just a long-handed, crappy way of saying that I will be okay... I will make it out of this stupid depressive episode again... I know the tools, I know the self-care I need to do, I know the soul-searching I have to do... And I just wanted to say that I know it's different/ harder with major depression... It's so much harder to do that then... I realise that PTSD with depressive episodes is a different kettle of fish and easier to deal with.

Anyway, excuse my ramble and sorry if it offends anyone... I dunno how to word it properly so it's helpful and doesn't sound dumb.

 

I'm glad I  could help, but saddened to hear about your PTSD complication with your depression. I have some level of PTSD, but not a fully-fledged diagnosis, so I don't think I can really offer good advice on the depth of your pain or how to handle it. However, I hope you continue to get better and move forward from this dark part of your life.

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23 hours ago, gandolfication said:

I know what you are saying. The strength of people who are down and out is amazing...and can be inspiring. I'm at my "best" when I am helping someone else out who is having a bad go of things

I take it this was your "lame" post.  Not lame. Wonderful. 

(I have lots still to read in this thread, but wanted comment quickly on this one).   

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21 hours ago, Sophy said:

Ugh. I dunno whether to even post this. I feel bad about even writing it.

Sophy, thank you for your post and opening up. When I first started reading your posts, I thought you were perhaps a therapist...an exceptional therapist. Your posts have helped me so many times. I admire your strength, compassion, and wisdom. 

 

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1 hour ago, uncertain1 said:

I take it this was your "lame" post.  Not lame. Wonderful. 

(I have lots still to read in this thread, but wanted comment quickly on this one).   

@JD4010 - my comment above was intended for your comments that I hope shows up below. I waited too long to edit. 

 

On 5/1/2019 at 9:06 AM, gandolfication said:

I know what you are saying. The strength of people who are down and out is amazing...and can be inspiring. I'm at my "best" when I am helping someone else out who is having a bad go of things.

So how do we stop repeating maladaptive patterns of thinking and behavior?  We've read "all" the books, watched the TED talks, and still, here we are. Perhaps we are better off (even if it doesn't feel like it) because of the practices we've learned *and* put into practice. We know, intellectually, that certain behaviors are not good for us. Yet we repeat.  It's exhausting to be constantly vigilant against rumination and other thinking patterns. It's exhausting to beat yourself up for not exercising enough, not eating properly, for watching too much YouTube (looking for that "answer" to fix us). It's exhausting to not sleep well. It's frustrating for correct diagnoses of physical and mental ailments to take years to obtain, if we ever get them. It's frustrating that we get put on meds or put through procedures that don't work and sometimes make things worse. We're incredibly complicated animals operating in a dynamic, uncertain environment, so it's not surprising that health practitioners can't always "fix us", but that doesn't help.  

Okay...that was a stream of consciousness thing. I'm glad there are good people in the world. And really glad there are cats and little dogs. (((hugs)))  to you all

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4 hours ago, uncertain1 said:

Sophy, thank you for your post and opening up. When I first started reading your posts, I thought you were perhaps a therapist...an exceptional therapist. Your posts have helped me so many times. I admire your strength, compassion, and wisdom. 

 

yah, second that.

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3 hours ago, uncertain1 said:

@JD4010 - my comment above was intended for your comments that I hope shows up below. I waited too long to edit. 

 

So how do we stop repeating maladaptive patterns of thinking and behavior?  We've read "all" the books, watched the TED talks, and still, here we are. Perhaps we are better off (even if it doesn't feel like it) because of the practices we've learned *and* put into practice. We know, intellectually, that certain behaviors are not good for us. Yet we repeat.  It's exhausting to be constantly vigilant against rumination and other thinking patterns. It's exhausting to beat yourself up for not exercising enough, not eating properly, for watching too much YouTube (looking for that "answer" to fix us). It's exhausting to not sleep well. It's frustrating for correct diagnoses of physical and mental ailments to take years to obtain, if we ever get them. It's frustrating that we get put on meds or put through procedures that don't work and sometimes make things worse. We're incredibly complicated animals operating in a dynamic, uncertain environment, so it's not surprising that health practitioners can't always "fix us", but that doesn't help.  

Okay...that was a stream of consciousness thing. I'm glad there are good people in the world. And really glad there are cats and little dogs. (((hugs)))  to you all

Boy if i thought I really had answers for that question, that have worked very much or consistently for me....I'd write all about it.
In a certain way, that's what almost everything I've written since I started on this site has supposed to have been about...sometimes, some things have worked a little, but mostly I feel like it's a chronicling of my nearly abject failure, and engaging in a lot of mental mastur bation.

How does one--especially one mired in clinical behavioral illness--change oneself?
My closest answers are:  physical exercise (for me), accountable therapy/coaching, and practice.  it doesn't feel like much.

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I just had the office mgr / para come into my office with a rather pointed conversation and signed, documented memo about entering time correctly.  It related not only to the last couple weeks of not entering it daily, which I've resumed, but also some uncaptured billable time - these were almost all because I was asked to do quick work for potential or new clients that weren't set up under the system yet, so I accurately recorded the time and work, coded to Administrative Time - thus, it's a simple change by click of a button, and one I'll do now.

But I'm so easily unnerved...and this is documenting a file.  I need to look for a new and better job, that has things like paid vacation time.
I've held off in equal parts because I've just been overwhelmed lately, because I honestly don't know any more what kind of paid vocation and work I'm suited for or want to do, and because I am so horrendously burnt out on job searching from the last 10 years, and last 2 in particular.

But I guess I will start anew.  A friend of mine, and CEO of his business advisory/consulting firm, is in early talks about possibly hiring me as their in-house counsel for the company and to quarterback/manage legal cases for their client (the second part is an extremely dubious and complicated ethical proposition, and one that I have so far advised him is not possible).  He thinks both parts are doable, and so I guess my task is to complete some serious research and analysis to see if I agree there is a model that would make it possible and ethical in light of manifold conflict of interest problems, fee splitting and other ordinarily - clear rules of professional responsibility (which is the law of lawyers' ethics).  He's not an ethically dubious person (in fact I generally have very high regard for him); but it's a funny thing how people compartmentalize, especially when the capitalism which often is their true religion comes to bear.

I just don't know, anymore, .... what I can see myself doing with consistent engagement.  The repetition of burnout dominates my thought patterns.

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12 minutes ago, gandolfication said:

Boy if i thought I really had answers for that question, that have worked very much or consistently for me....I'd write all about it.
In a certain way, that's what almost everything I've written since I started on this site has supposed to have been about...sometimes, some things have worked a little, but mostly I feel like it's a chronicling of my nearly abject failure, and engaging in a lot of mental mastur bation.

How does one--especially one mired in clinical behavioral illness--change oneself?
My closest answers are:  physical exercise (for me), accountable therapy/coaching, and practice.  it doesn't feel like much.

Gandolf, you've wrirren so many supportive and thoughtful posts. This place, with folks like you, is an important part of our arsenal. (I laughed out loud at your "mental mastu*" term! Another good tool). Seems I've read that once you've been through a couple of major depressive episodes, you're much more likely to fall again. We keep trying, fall, get up and go again. Maybe it's not a war to be won. Its ongoing vigilence. Suppose i should pull out my books on stoicism. But I dont feel like it (the inner child whines). Perhaps I just  needed to express some frustration with reality. 

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28 minutes ago, gandolfication said:

I just don't know, anymore, .... what I can see myself doing with consistent engagement.  The repetition of burnout dominates my thought patterns.

Let's say law, sales, and university level academia were off the table. Also consider that avenues were available outside your job to exercise any talent you might not get to utilize in a new job. What are some options? Could be short term just to recalibrate

My new motto shall be "I used to be smart" (I have supporting documents). In a fog and physically really uncomfortable. C'est la vie

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Coffee and Klonopin

I'm about to get a second cup of coffee and take .5 mg of Klonopin.  The anxiety I normally feel is already higher than usual, because I still haven't finished a couple assignments, and over the weekend, I came in but did work on what might turn into a new job at counsel for a friend's consulting firm (although I actually think it's far fetched). 

Sometimes Klonopin helps me take the edge off of anxiety, and the coffee is designed so as not to get too sleepy, which I also am - its weird thing, but I'm guessing most people here will know what I mean by saying that even the keyed-up, hypervigilant feeling of anxiousness ends up morphing into exhaustion and a headlong desire to sleep.  It's much more mental/emotional at first, but at some point it bleeds into physical, and I have to be awake and alert to get this work done.

Toward the end of last week, I actually did some good work, and made progress on a couple cases.  But it's probably too little too late.

I have started reading this book by Berne Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, right now, about connection, compassion and courage.  It irritates me when authors feel the need to use alliterations like this for their 3 points, but other than this, I think it's getting out of me what I wanted and I'm enjoying it.

But a new day, and the feeling of impending doom.  And I have specific information and reason to think there's a good likelihood I could be let go any day.  This dilemma seems to never leave...and it's pretty obvious how much of a challenge it is for me to stop ruminating on it, instead of focusing and doing things about it.  For all of this, I hate myself and this life.  That's where the courage, connection and compassion come in.  If I can let and help them.

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Klonopin and Coffee 2

Took the Klonopin....5mg often seems like just about the right does (that's how it's prescribed).  I know Coffee counteracts that anxiolytic affect a little, but maybe the placebo effect tips the scales just slightly in favor of feeling better.  It seems to for now.  I'm going to work on the first of 3 documents I really need to produce today.

This from the web on this subject:

While research on the combined effects of caffeine on clonazepam is limited, an animal study published in "Pharmacology, Biochemistry and Behavior" in 1989 concluded that, when taken together, caffeine counteracts the anxiolytic, or anti-anxiety, effect of clonazepam in mice.

 

Other Effects and Possible Benefits

While combining caffeine with Klonopin may possibly inhibit Klonopin's effectiveness in anxiety treatment, caffeine does not interfere with all of Klonopin's therapeutic effects. A study published by "Pharmacological Reports" in 2006 concluded that although acute caffeine exposure decreases the anti-seizure action of certain other antiepileptic medications, it does not diminish the anti-seizure protection of Klonopin. Additionally, some research, including two 1990 studies published, respectively, in "Sleep" and "Psychopharmacology", indicate taking caffeine with benzodiazapines may provide the benefit of reducing certain side effects of benzodizapine therapy, including daytime sleepiness and depressed mood.

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@gandolficationI'm always struck by how similar our thought patterns seem to be. This line summarizes my life for the past few years:

Quote

But a new day, and the feeling of impending doom.  And I have specific information and reason to think there's a good likelihood I could be let go any day.  This dilemma seems to never leave...and it's pretty obvious how much of a challenge it is for me to stop ruminating on it, instead of focusing and doing things about it.  For all of this, I hate myself and this life. 

I'm having the very same thoughts right now. I think I'll find that alliteratively-titled book. Hopefully my raging ADD will allow me to concentrate enough to read it.

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6 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

@gandolficationI'm always struck by how similar our thought patterns seem to be. This line summarizes my life for the past few years:

I'm having the very same thoughts right now. I think I'll find that alliteratively-titled book. Hopefully my raging ADD will allow me to concentrate enough to read it.

The book is good so far, and addresses a lot of topics I've wanted/needed to read and hear.  @Sophy has read several of her books too (though you can say that about most books), and seemed to like them.  I became aware of Brené Brown by seeing and watching like a 45 minute (Ted-like) talk she gave, that is on Netflix.  She supposedly has one of the top 1 or 2 watched Ted talks ever, when she decided to get personal about her life's work research on shame and vulnerability.  I don't think I've seen this one yet.  I'm sure she's all over YouTube.

For me, when I can get myself to read at all these days, let alone something positive and hopeful, it is win-win.  If I can get back into the gym in the next few days, I have a chance to start feeling better.

Edited by gandolfication
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Yeah, I love Brene Brown's stuff...

And get yourself to a gym!!!

And mice should *not* be drinking coffee... : /

Love you and a big ((((hug))))

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