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On 2/6/2020 at 6:23 PM, adamrparr said:

Tired of getting up & doing it all over again the next day.  Sick of it.

Makes two of us. At least two of us. 

I was lying awake all night last night thinking about how much I dread going to work. This is an especially ugly week that will kick off an especially ugly year.

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@JD4010,

The difference between you and me right now, I think is that you ARE getting up and getting into work on time, or at a reasonable time.

I'm still struggling to work up to any consistency or normal, balanced routine for work, home, sleep, etc.  Doesn't help that my wife is doing poorly too, but I've been working on some new, more positive habits.  As the Rev. of my UU fellowship said yesterday, "I'm a recovering pessimist, because there's really no good point in being one."

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My 11 year old, Laurel recommended and asked me to watch this show with her and the family (on Netflix and others), The Good Place about an abhorrently selfish woman who finds herself, by some celestial mistake, in The Good Place (heaven), where only the very best of the best moral people get in.  It got very good critical reviews, but it looked schmaltzy and like a remake of a hundred other ‘heaven’ shows that usually disappoint.  I should have trusted Laurel sooner because first, its very clever and funny, but second, it actually poses remarkably provocative questions about how one actually goes about the project of changing themselves from selfish to unselfish.  The protagonist’s ‘soulmate’ character is a professor of ethics, and in a popular show (in its 4th season), actually teaches real, basic principles in heaven.  It made me want to go back and read more of the ethical insights from Plato, Socrates, Kant, and especially Aristotle, which I’ve only ever skimmed. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 1/31/2020 at 11:20 AM, gandolfication said:

Today felt like a deal breaker.  It's awful.  I'm in that place where we don't have anything, and I need to just focus and do the next right thing.... Which I did for about 120 minutes out of a 10-hour day.  Everything just keeps mounting.  I'm kicking myself for not using that gun.  (All I can think about now is going back to other methods, which are harder, longer, more painful, unless effective).  I don't know how to face any part of life any more

 

Guess it's fortunate that guns are not as easy to obtain in my country, I may have done likewise

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On 2/28/2020 at 9:10 AM, iWantRope said:

Guess it's fortunate that guns are not as easy to obtain in my country, I may have done likewise

It is fortunate.  And then again, I recurrently wish I still had it, like today.  

I believe the unintuitive spike in suicide rates in the U.S. over the past 5 years+ is nowhere near the mystery that the media and even medical community has made it out to be.  It's very simple.  Means are now more easily available than ever before.  Same day.  Nearly everywhere.  Consider that I was hospitalized for suicidal ideations in this same city a decade earlier, and nothing showed up in the background check database.  I walked in and bought a lethal weapon and ammunition and walked out 30 minutes later.

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I got Latuda approved by insurance for bipolar, and am not paying for it (it's like thousands per month).  I thought I started feeling better already, and may be (who knows what part is placebo early, and I don't care).  But things keep piling up in my business, and I'm not able to keep up and do all the different things I have to to maintain a professional practice.  Anxiety builds, and I'm just not able to do too many of the things that are most important like bill clients, keep up with my CLE, stay no top of work, market, and even get out what should be pretty simple proposals/business plans to some family and friends who are willing to help.

If I was helping someone else, I'd be able to do it much more easily, but because it's for me, and ego and self-loathing are involved, it feels like its going to **** me. I'm crumbling under the pressure, and its a sick feeling seeing it happen again in slow motion.  It's going to hurt my kids and family.  I've been trying really hard, but I'm overwhelmed and exhausted.  god, I wish I wasn't here.

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I have a bunch of voicemails today of prospective clients wanting to hire me, but I'm not up for it.  Even though we desperately need the money, I don't have any more bandwidth. So many of these are bad cases and in all different areas.  It makes it nerve wracking and hugely inefficient to take them, because there are sets of rules upon rules, upon statutes, caselaw, more rules, and then each court's written and unwritten more rules.  I'm one person without a paralegal, and each one of these is extremely demanding.  I feel cooked.

The Supreme Court just let me know that because I reactivated my license for a few months at the end of 2017, I'm responsible for the full two-year period's 24 hours of continuing legal education, which is now delinquent.  If I don't complete it by the end of March, they'll suspend my license.  Each hour of CLE credit costs, on average $100.  I'm just too tired from all of it.   The plan has been to hire a paralegal, which would help tremendously, but I'm scared sh*tless to do it, and take on that additional obligation, management responsibility, training, and then be able to market, and build up a caseload fast enough to keep paying them, etc.  I talked about disability with my therapist a couple weeks ago, and it went as usual - well, it takes forever and is a long shot, etc, etc.,  I told her I can beat the odds, I'm an attorney and solving these kinds of problems is what I do, but taking the time to assemble all the information again, complete the application (which SSA did not save from a year or two ago, and stupid me, I didn't either - it was an electronic form submission).

Meanwhile, I've got like 5 hearings coming up this week and next.  I know I'm a whiny baby here.   I just want out.  I don't feel up for this. 

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@gandolficationSh!t. We can get backed into the tightest corners because of finances & work load. I'm there now too. It's a sucky matrix they have installed us in (sorry for the bad grammar).

As for suicides...not only are the means ever easier to acquire, but there are an increasing number of desperate people (like us) who have been slaving for years only to make less money in the face of inflation. The hamster wheel spins faster and faster while we scramble to keep up. I"m tripping over the rungs now...soon I will fall against the wheel and it will probably chuck me out the side.

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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

@gandolficationSh!t. We can get backed into the tightest corners because of finances & work load. I'm there now too. It's a sucky matrix they have installed us in (sorry for the bad grammar).

As for suicides...not only are the means ever easier to acquire, but there are an increasing number of desperate people (like us) who have been slaving for years only to make less money in the face of inflation. The hamster wheel spins faster and faster while we scramble to keep up. I"m tripping over the rungs now...soon I will fall against the wheel and it will probably chuck me out the side.

Yah, @JD4010, that's also true you're right.  Try to stay ahead of that wheel or jam a metal spike it in it and slow it down if you need to.  That's usually my strategy - can't say it works well for me.

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A while ago I saw a short video online. It showed one hamster running and running on his wheel. The other hamster was lying on the wheel and riding it around and around, while his comrade ran and ran. Wouldn't it be nice if we running hamsters got to switch place with the riding hamsters once in a while? 

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18 hours ago, JessiesMom said:

A while ago I saw a short video online. It showed one hamster running and running on his wheel. The other hamster was lying on the wheel and riding it around and around, while his comrade ran and ran. Wouldn't it be nice if we running hamsters got to switch place with the riding hamsters once in a while? 

Ha. Yes. Of course, I resent being forced onto the wheel in the first place. Wage slavery is quite unpleasant--especially today.

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A month ago, I got a hardcore letter from the Ohio Supreme Court that I was 27.00 hours out of compliance, 3.0 for the 2018-2019 biennium, and the full 24 hours for the 2016-2017 biennium.  The 3.0 hours from last year, I was able to track down and get the proper certificate sent in without too much detective work.

Under multiple Governing Rules, blah, blah, I had until the end of this month, March 30th, to take all remaining 24 hours for 2016-2017, or else I would be sanctioned, to and including suspension.  I didn’t have the time, stamina or money to take 24 hours of CLE in March.  I did become active again in July 2017 so that I could apply for e-discovery/doc review jobs while in VA/DC (some allow working under any state license).  I thought it was incorrect, but it was hard to prove….sorta like proving a negative.  I did my best restraint, not getting overtly angry, since it’s the OHSC I’m dealing with, but suggested pointedly that they check with their IT, because this seemed incorrect….basically, doing a lawyer’s hail Mary when I didn’t know what I was talking about, and figured it was my mistake.  I did think I remembered clearing this with the Court back in 2017, but did I have anything in writing? Of course not.  Again, it would have been proving a negative in anticipation of a mistake.  Called them back today.  They said, oh you’re in compliance now.  I pressed the issue about 2016-2017, and they said, yah, we made a mistake.  We emailed you new notice that you’re in compliance a few days ago.  They didn’t.  I had them re-send it (that’s what’s attached).  So, I’ve been sweating, trying to figure out what the heck I was going to do.  Whew, now I get to turn back to my other list of seemingly intractable problems.  I worry too much, god.

I need to like remind myself to feel good about this.  Generally, I sometimes get a sense of relief.  

Edited by gandolfication
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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/21/2020 at 7:10 PM, el_zee said:

Today was a bummer. Spent all day in bed.

Sorry about that. (and also for just coming back her now and responding).  I hope you've felt a little better in the days since.  I did a lot of that this past weekend too.  I'm trying to change too, but also sometimes maybe we just need that.  Hey, it beats having been in a large public gathering these days I guess.

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5 minutes ago, gandolfication said:

Nothing like a world wide replay of the movie, Contagion to ratchet up those of us who already have anxiety disorders, huh?

(that was an attempt at maudlin humor).  Take a valium or klonopin before exposing yourself....to news. 

I haven't been wasting any green buzz on watching TV "news" BOOGA BOOGA. I'm binge watching the newer Battlestar Galactica--again. 🙂

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49 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I haven't been wasting any green buzz on watching TV "news" BOOGA BOOGA. I'm binge watching the newer Battlestar Galactica--again. 🙂

hahaha

"BOOGA BOOGA" i take to mean media boogeyman hysteria?

I'm binge watching the newer Battlestar Galactica--again

Flawless.

I'm going through watching movies with my kids and we're also 'bout to finish the 5-6 part Night On Earth Netflix animal documentary, which is great.  

Movie recommendation time:

Knives Out

and 

Dark Waters, both 9/10

Frozen 2 - 6/10, but still good with the kids.

Star Wars 9: Rise of Skywalker - 7/10, worth the watch.

My pocket book after renting and buying new movies: $1

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20 hours ago, gandolfication said:

I like how you've dialed in that green buzz is the way to watch stuff.

I like it to work out.  I'm not supposed to use it while on Latuda.  But I deemed that further data were required.

Wow. Did not know about the caution with Latuda. I hope any interaction would be for the better, not worse. 🙂

 

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