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I'm in over my head for the final time.

As burdens and deadlines mount and the stress overwhelms, I am making the final preparations to leave.  I can't handle it anymore.  I just need to execute a couple straight forward things, and leave this world behind.  My best to all of you.

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Just now, gandolfication said:

I'm sorry JD.  

I like how you describe things.  Its easy to relate to.  I do hope you feel better.  I hope that for everyone here.

Thanks. You doing any better?

 

On 1/6/2020 at 10:43 AM, gandolfication said:

Once again, I feel I just can't keep going.  I'm really having trouble trying to hold thoughts simultaneously of my kids whom I love, but knowing that each day, I am hurting them with things at home, and lack of stability, financially, relationship-wise, or otherwise.  I know that my death of course would only make things worse, but at least I would cease to be a part of its ongoing cause, or would no longer be a part of it.

I can't manage.  This week will need a decision and some action by me.  I'm crumbling under the pain and anxiety.

^^^^^^^ So much this.

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Just now, gandolfication said:

I'm in over my head for the final time.

As burdens and deadlines mount and the stress overwhelms, I am making the final preparations to leave.  I can't handle it anymore.  I just need to execute a couple straight forward things, and leave this world behind.  My best to all of you.

HEY! No, wait...PM me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wanting to help your kids and knowing you're not able to, must be 9ne of the loneliest feelings in the world.

 

I've really appreciated some amazing encouragement from some friends here and elsewhere the past week+.

Can't say thanks enough.

New therapist was worth seeing.

Can't seem to get myself better though.

Feels like there's no chance.....I just can't get the $ or business or relationships salvaged.  I'm just hanging on.

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9 hours ago, gandolfication said:

Wanting to help your kids and knowing you're not able to, must be 9ne of the loneliest feelings in the world.

 

I've really appreciated some amazing encouragement from some friends here and elsewhere the past week+.

Can't say thanks enough.

New therapist was worth seeing.

Can't seem to get myself better though.

Feels like there's no chance.....I just can't get the $ or business or relationships salvaged.  I'm just hanging on.

Keep hanging, bro. Or better yet, grasp that bar above you and start climbing up. I know that sounds hollow coming from the likes of me, but I'm trying to convince myself to do the same.

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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

eep hanging, bro. Or better yet, grasp that bar above you and start climbing up. I know that sounds hollow coming from the likes of me, but I'm trying to convince myself to do the same.

Nah, it doesn't sound hollow.  Especially not coming from you.

It is daunting.  I get so worn out from life.  It hurts so much, and so much of the time.  I'm really trying stay, for my kids.  That's all.

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17 hours ago, gandolfication said:

Nah, it doesn't sound hollow.  Especially not coming from you.

It is daunting.  I get so worn out from life.  It hurts so much, and so much of the time.  I'm really trying stay, for my kids.  That's all.

Yes. 100%. That's why I'm sticking around too. I also feel obligated to take care of my ex more and more because of her worsening condition. It's a very strange life that I live.

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that is what I'm doing I guess.  Holding on second by second.

In the past 6 weeks, thoughts of suicide, often with specificity, have been increasing to the point of near constancy.  And behaviorally, essentially most all my actions are an attempt to deal with or block them out, and/or try to grapple with the reality that I feel very close to running the final lap and going through with ending it. 

I don't want to write about this.  god, I know its endlessly boring.  This morning, I wrote kind of a funny poem about Nick the Destroyer of Worlds, also cuddly monkey.  He wanted to color it, so I made him a photocopy.  He told me colored it, but didn't like it, so he had thrown it away (hence the copy).  His smile and laugh are enough to make a thousand suns jealous.  My girls too, are brilliant lights in a dark world.

I want it to be enough.  But I'm not being a good father or provider, or example.  Rather, I'm being an example of what happens when someone suffering with depression at the end, disintegrates into sad, pathetic mess.  I don't want them to see this any more.  It is the most natural and strongest force I know of that they'll follow in my footsteps as long as I am around with them and like this.  I understand they're also likely to follow my example if I end my life, although not necessarily.  They may just as likely react against that and determine, whatever else life brings, they'll not inflict that same pain on others.  Well, this is fruitless.  The more I think, the more I confirm my thinking is useless.

I have not been helping things.  I have another therapy appointment tomorrow, which I'll go to because it usually is a respite (is this what therapy should be, or should it be more a wakeup call for the need to change things?)  Other, unanswerable questions.

I feel and believe, now that I have means available, its' just a matter of time before I take the inevitable course.  I have lost confidence that I can help myself.  that may be self-pity talking, but history seems also to bear it out.

I thought I was making progress dealing with the ever-present negative inner critic....but as things gets worse, its credibility and impact become easier to believe.  One thing I've been trying is to actually dialogue with it to better uncover and realize that the inner critic (perversely) actually emanates from a desire to protect me.  The 'aware ego' can realize this and dialogue such as, oh, you're telling me that in such harsh terms because you don't want me to be hurt, vulnerable, etc..  It allows for the possibility of common ground.  Accepting that (again, perversely and in disordered or exaggerated fashion), it actually is motivated by my best interests.  I still would like to **** it, but there have been moments, when I realized how it is actually trying to help, and in those moments, was able to imagine an improved state.  Then they pass, like vapor.

Right now, for example, I don't know if its the inner critic, or just a rational part of me asking/saying, gag, get over yourself and get on with it one way or the other.  Just decide already...get busy living or dying, but get off the fence.

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2 hours ago, gandolfication said:

 

Right now, for example, I don't know if its the inner critic, or just a rational part of me asking/saying, gag, get over yourself and get on with it one way or the other.  Just decide already...get busy living or dying, but get off the fence.

Make sure you jump off the fence in the right direction. If you jump off the wrong way, it's the very last thing you will ever do. If you jump the right way, you might land in a cow pie but at least that can be cleaned off of your shoe. And then you can walk away from the fence with your head held high.

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32 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Make sure you jump off the fence in the right direction. If you jump off the wrong way, it's the very last thing you will ever do. If you jump the right way, you might land in a cow pie but at least that can be cleaned off of your shoe. And then you can walk away from the fence with your head held high.

This is the kind of pithy, resonant kind of metaphor I've come to expect from you, J.D., thanks.  Even the cow pie, can be cleaned off of you if you just live one more day.  Truly, words to live by.

My thanks to you.

 

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One thing I would suggest is that if you are truly trying to live second to second right now, then as soon as a negative thought come in shake it out. You have no need to keep those. I sometime physically shake my head, but have also been using a mantra, it is not much help for you because it deals with the guilt that I feel but what I say is "I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you" at least for me it deals with the apin and guilt in that second. Hugs 

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13 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

One thing I would suggest is that if you are truly trying to live second to second right now, then as soon as a negative thought come in shake it out. You have no need to keep those. I sometime physically shake my head, but have also been using a mantra, it is not much help for you because it deals with the guilt that I feel but what I say is "I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you" at least for me it deals with the apin and guilt in that second. Hugs 

That's a great suggestion. I should adopt that method. I often "talk to myself" (sometimes out loud!) so I'll attempt to add this to my repertoire. 🙂 

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14 hours ago, Tears_Always said:

One thing I would suggest is that if you are truly trying to live second to second right now, then as soon as a negative thought come in shake it out. You have no need to keep those. I sometime physically shake my head, but have also been using a mantra, it is not much help for you because it deals with the guilt that I feel but what I say is "I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you" at least for me it deals with the apin and guilt in that second. Hugs 

Yes, thanks.  My initial go-to, phrase when negative thoughts start to overwhelm, is to just say, "stop."

Then, I try to replace or reframe with something more positive and hopefully accurate (a la CBT), although this is really hard during this time.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

That's a great suggestion. I should adopt that method. I often "talk to myself" (sometimes out loud!) so I'll attempt to add this to my repertoire. 🙂 

I talk to myself out loud all the time (some, what say too often, but they shouldn't be eavesdropping).  🤕  This includes, audibly saying, "stop!"  Every once in a while, my wife is unbeknownst to me nearby, and will say, "what?"  And I'll just say, I was talking to myself.

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43 minutes ago, gandolfication said:

I talk to myself out loud all the time (some, what say too often, but they shouldn't be eavesdropping).  🤕  This includes, audibly saying, "stop!"  Every once in a while, my wife is unbeknownst to me nearby, and will say, "what?"  And I'll just say, I was talking to myself.

With me - it is usually the dog "talking" to me, in my own voice. 

As to your question about therapy - it can be whatever you want it to be. It can be a place of truth telling - where it is ok to say the things you are really thinking. Those things can weigh on you and become overwhelming.

In the early parts of my marriage, when the inner voices of worthlessness would get too loud - I would call my husband and ask him for a "perspective check." I would then tell him what was going on inside my head. Sometimes it was negative self talk wrapped around something that my mother had said. Other times, it was anxiety, out of control and becoming paralysing. It helped me a lot to say things out load and have them denied ("no - you are not a crappy mother. your mother is just nuts") or confirmed ("yes - it is find for you to be angry about that dumb thing that happened"). This always helped me to let it go. 

Another thing that therapy can be is a safe place to vent. When things are going wrong, it can be very helpful to have someone who already knows you available to just let it out. When the great New York Times catastrophy happened - I spoke to me brother and my sister almost every day. We were able to support each other and listen without judgement or arguement. 

Hang in there friend - the world is a better place with you in it. 

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22 hours ago, iWantRope said:

@g is it possible to ask your therapist how does those suffering depression (e.g. us) become powerful enough so that others will think twice before contemplating to bully us?

You know it's 'funny' in a dark, bent, distorted kind of way (so not very funny then), I'm the only one I let bully myself.

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I'm stressing from being woefully behind in my practice, and being out of money (what else).  I ramped up quickly because I had to, and took a lot of cases in various courts and areas of practice.  Most of these clients were able to pay the initial retainer to get started, but then pretty quickly run out.  I advise them of this on the front end, but getting more money as a solo attorney could be its own full-time job, and at least for now, I don't know where I'll get the energy and guts to get through them all, or even one at at time.  I'm stuck with the cases... and  am either avoiding and/or behind with clients, my co-counsel, and soon with courts.
 
I had a good therapy appointment yesterday....Talked more about the importance of impeccable self care, with some specifics I'd outlined, and about how one just has to do what they can little by little, living one second at a time, etc.    I know it's the only way.  I don't know if I have the courage or energy left.  (Maybe that's the point of courage...acting even toward what you're not sure you'll succeed at).  I guess that's the point of one second at a time as @Tears_Always mentioned above.  Now I'm in that mode, where I'm hiding from clients, still working, although not with enough focus, endurance, or efficiency.  Everything is so fear-inducing.  I don't think I'm looking for any particular answer...I know we don't have magic answers.
 
I just don't know how people do it.  You're still doing it.  I know you feel like you're usually hanging on by a thread.  I know it's not really any use comparing myself against others (as if I could fully quit).  Still, I just don't know if I can keep going.    I'm having trouble finding the will, and I guess am posting this here as a form of connection.  I feel like the only reason I haven't acted on plan or impulse to leave all this behind, is because I've used my one, incomparable skill of procrastination for that too.
 
I wish I could see these cases as physical steps.  Physical steps I think I could climb one at a time, even if they appeared to extend infinitely....that is, if I was passing other reference points to feel the experience of progress.  I know I'm supposed to be motivated by money.  I'm not and never have been.  It seems utterly meaningless to me.  Even a couple things I have ready to bill, and desperately need to, I'm not.  (Yah, I'm not well).
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Very familiar sentiments in that most recent post, @gandolfication Before I left for work this morning, I was feeling glum and despondent about all of the projects at work that are quickly falling behind because I can't light a fire under my own ass. I wanted to go back to bed and sleep the rest of my life away. But then I saw my cats sleeping together in this little pumpkin-shaped "cat house". It was so damned cute that I started to tear. It hit me then that I need to keep them fed, healthy and happy. They bring me a lot of joy in an otherwise gray and dismal-seeming life. So I trudged off to work and got one task done earlier today.

However, I am procrastinating on another one that will require more of my limited brain power. I promised our interim manager I'd have it done today and the hours are slipping by. It's starting to overwhelm me. I'm "making" myself feel this way of course, but that knowledge is academic rather than practical.

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8 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

It's starting to overwhelm me. I'm "making" myself feel this way of course, but that knowledge is academic rather than practical.

Man, that is so very true.  Sometimes I feel like I’m unable to put that academic knowledge to any good use.  : /

And JD...  to use your phrase, grab hold of that bar today and climb.

 

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38 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Very familiar sentiments in that most recent post, @gandolfication Before I left for work this morning, I was feeling glum and despondent about all of the projects at work that are quickly falling behind because I can't light a fire under my own ass. I wanted to go back to bed and sleep the rest of my life away. But then I saw my cats sleeping together in this little pumpkin-shaped "cat house". It was so damned cute that I started to tear. It hit me then that I need to keep them fed, healthy and happy. They bring me a lot of joy in an otherwise gray and dismal-seeming life. So I trudged off to work and got one task done earlier today.

However, I am procrastinating on another one that will require more of my limited brain power. I promised our interim manager I'd have it done today and the hours are slipping by. It's starting to overwhelm me. I'm "making" myself feel this way of course, but that knowledge is academic rather than practical.

JD, this is so poignant and relevant to me.  Unfortunately, while I kept trying to get myself up this morning, I did not.  And the same kind of sentiment you express regarding seeing your cats, I also have toward my kids (lessor toward my cats); I don't know how to describe he fact that this desire to help my kids is both motivating and burdensome, and often the burden (and fear and guilt over it) seems to trump my motivation.

I set about a plan to prioritize cases, tackle one at a time, and get done as much as I can.  It's going painfully slowly.  I'm struggling now too.  Back to it I guess.  It is the only way through.

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31 minutes ago, adamrparr said:

It's starting to overwhelm me. I'm "making" myself feel this way of course, but that knowledge is academic rather than practical.

....

Man, that is so very true.  Sometimes I feel like I’m unable to put that academic knowledge to any good use.  : /

And JD...  to use your phrase, grab hold of that bar today and climb.

 

exactly my thoughts and feeling too.  Last few days, I've become reacquainted at how in terms of at least the feeling and the negative self-sabotaging actions (now that I've been spiraling in depression), my god, I'm doing most of this to myself (again)!.  I know that provides an opportunity for hope....if I can stop/change.  I'm working at it, but it feels like the proverbial climbing up a waterfall.  And then, sometimes I come to a moment and briefly realize, oh, right now, I can improve this moment, and just now, all is well, all is well.

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