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53 minutes ago, gandolfication said:

By "pushing your buttons," what you really mean is being a worldclass ahole, and that you wish you could punch his buttons by punching him in the throat.  Oh, maybe that's me I'm thinking of.

No. I'm definitely thinking of my boss. You? I'd be looking to share a psyche delic adventure. 🙂

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18 hours ago, JD4010 said:

No. I'm definitely thinking of my boss. You? I'd be looking to share a psyche delic adventure. 🙂

Oh, yah.

I mean that I've had some bosses where I wanted to meet them in a dark alley away from the protections of boss-hood and see who the better man was.  Or at least tougher.

That probably sounds primitive and chauvinistic, but in fairness so were the bosses in question.

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While I was over in domestic relations court this morning, I won a motion for summary judgment for a personal injury client.  Now our case gets to proceed to trial.  Too bad it is a TERRIBLE, horrible, no-good, very-bad case.  I wish I was exaggerating.  This might help me upwardly increase a settlement offer from insurance.  Or maybe not.  That's how bad the case is.  Which makes it somewhat more gratifying that I won...and the judge only took 3 days from close of briefing to make a decision...it's about the first decision I've seen a court hand down in one of my cases in the 8 months I've been practicing again.  The opinion won't load properly on the docket, so I can't read the decision, but can see that I won from the docket entry notation.  Good result thus far.

The thing I get most nervous about still is managing the deluge of documents, in files, electronically, and exhibits in court.  It's literally the thing I'm most nervous about in court - keeping organized with documents so that I have what I need, when I need it and can find that exact words, and then go through the tedious process of authenticating, laying proper foundation, over objections, of documents, every one of which must meet 3 distinct evidentiary thresholds - authenticity (ability to prove they are what they purport to be), relevance (germane and not excluded by numerous policy exception rules), and non-hearsay, or admissible under one of I think 28 hearsay exceptions.  

I'll get better at this with time.  And if I get a good paralegal at some point, who can free me up to listen, and think and react and question witnesses.

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My grandmother died this morning.
She was 95.  Born in 1924, she saw a lot of change in the country and the world.
She was as lucid and sharp as ever.  A math major in college at a time when not many women went to college.
She helped my grandfather with his school work as an engineer at Georgia Tech.  (He passed away about 7 years ago).  He wasn't a good student.  Legend had it that he graduated with like a 2.3 gpa, about the lowest you could, and maybe part of that was because he was something of a track star and also he was in ROTC.  On Dec. 7, 1941, he was at Soldiers Field in Chicago, watching an outdoor Blackhawks' game, when the stadium announcer came on and told them that all military-age men were to report to their nearest military office.  They did.  I believe he went to GA tech and ROTC for 4 years, and then went to war.

Both of them always had an easy and hearty laugh.  My Grandfather went on to run his own business, a bleachery, which is like a laundromat, and then he worked as a staff assistant to Dennis Hastert, the (now-disgraced) Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.  When I was about 12, my older brother and I went with my dad to Washington DC, where he, as a naval reservist, was working in the Pentagon.  We toured the Pentagon, and then Dennis Hastert personally showed us around the capital - we thought it was cool, but probably didn't know how much so.  Then, we at 12 and 13, wandered around the nation's capital, ourselves, for 3-4 days, hopping the subway, and going around to all the monuments, museums, and curiosities there.

My grandmother had her 95th Birthday party in Houston earlier this year, and about 30 people attended.  I wasn't able to be there, and spoke to her by phone a couple of months ago.  I have often thought of 'legacies' as something of a fiction we do for ourselves, not for those who build them.  Maybe so, but both of them taught us how to live.  The hard work, cheerfulness, good humor, hope, unmistakable decency, acceptance of imperfection, family commitment, love of country and people.  That's what I'll remember and try to give my kids as well.

My aunt was with her at the time.  She called my dad.  They called the third sibling, my uncle, who was on the golf course several states away.  His phone was broken.  He apologized afterward, but they both told him she would undoubtedly have said, "play on."  Above all, their lives, to me, have symbolized, "play on anyway."
 

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I feel so listless and hopeless today.  It's been building for some time, for all the same reasons as usual.  Lack of money, security, hope, reasonable belief the future can be even as good as today, much less better, I've been gaining weight, and work will just continue to get harder.
I'm applying for a couple new(er) attorney positions.  A better paying position could at least take care of the numbers problem.  But for what?  Nihilism creeps in.

Getting ready for a telephone conference with the court and opposing party, fighting over some documents.  Not exciting stuff, but I wrote a 24-page memorandum in opposition why they shouldn't get them because of federal bankruptcy preemption and the constitution, which so far the court has accepted.  I'm really trying to care this morning.  Blaaaahhh.

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A touching tribute...

18 hours ago, gandolfication said:

My grandmother died this morning.
She was 95.  Born in 1924, she saw a lot of change in the country and the world.
She was as lucid and sharp as ever.  A math major in college at a time when not many women went to college.
 

 

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Posted (edited)

On the Nature of Sanity

 

In his book, A First-Rate Madness, Dr. Nassir Ghaemi weaves a narrative around his argument that "in at least one vitally important circumstance insanity produces good results and sanity is a problem.”  "When our world is in tumult, mentally ill leaders function best.” Or: “In the storm of crisis, complete sanity can steer us astray, while some insanity brings us to port.” 

What gets less play in book reviews, but was more thought provoking to me, was his narrative about one of the early acolytes who studied psychological deviance and dysfunction with Freud, but then went on to the U.S. to study and try to define normality, and had extraordinary difficulty in doing so.  Ultimately he settled on defining it with respect to human behavior within the 'normal' range on a standard deviation across a bell curve.  It seems that a measure of balance, all things being equal, is helpful to people.  Hardly earth shattering stuff.  Normal, in the final analysis meant 'average.'  And the only thing about 'average' as something to be desired, is that it also meant usually an absence of doing things that are 'special' in some sense, as in creating something or performing in a way that is exceptional, new, different, an outlier, or what we sometimes refer to as 'off the charts.'


While I was in the hospital last, completing an adult outpatient program, I became fond of occasionally quoting aloud (and more often to myself), an aphorism by Jiddu Krishnamurti:

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."
 

But being well adjusted to society is still what I think most people are, or at least aspire to in modern society as a measure and definition of sanity.  The dictionary definition of sanity is "the ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner."  A bit circular, it doesn't seem to help much.  Personally, I have usually liked to define sanity more with respect to one who comprehends reality as it actually is, although this is more a definition of truth, than necessarily sanity.

If you continue on in taxonomy from dictionary to wiktionary (wikipedia), you learn that the Latin, sānitās refers to soundness, rationality, and health of the human mind, as opposed to insanity.  Still not helpful.  But then, it says something more interesting, that in modern society, the term has "become exclusively synonymous with compos mentis, compos being Latin for having mastery of, and mentis, mind.  In contrast with non compos mentis, or insane, meaning troubled conscience.  Now, we're onto something new and interesting.  Today, sanity is conceived of as combining both rational and emotional wellbeing, but this idea of wholeness, or as I have long thought about it, being integrated, as opposed to the narrowness and brokenness of insanity.  I have long thought that among the most disturbing root causes and indicia of insanity, is moral inconsistency, believing one should act in one way, while actually acting in another.  (Again, it is hard to beat the Apostle Paul's description of this in Romans:  For the good that I would, I do not; but the evil which I would not, that I do.  Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.)

I'm going to borrow now from concepts of religious faith, which I'm more familiar with than their psychological (secular) analogues.  In theological/philosophical terms, a person is broken, factured, and apart from grace when there is something inconsistent in or about them.  Sin is that inconsistency, but it also perpetuates further inconsistency, as it gives rise to guilt, shame, fear, worry, and all manner of harmful emotion and action.  Adam and Eve hide their nakedness in the garden when?  When they become aware that they are deficient, inconsistent, non-integrated.  It is a fracture or dis-integration of a wholeness, or uniformity of substance and structure.  This is what I think insanity is.  Being double minded.  James 1:8 speaks of a "double minded man [being] unstable in all his ways."  Frightening and vividly familiar.

The gothic American writers such as Edgar Allen Poe and Nathaniel Hawthorne, and also I think writers as diverse as Fyodor Dostoevsky and Albert Camus, were obsessed with the way in which this moral disintegration tended to erode the foundations of one's sanity.  It is impossible to read their characters' inner monologues without noticing the damage they do to themselves as a result of consciousness of ulterior motives, hypocrisies, and the ways in which guilt, shame, and knowledge of one's own sin wreaks havoc upon them.  In The Fall (which I am reading right now), Camus gives a virtuosic display of a man at war with himself, working feverishly to self-justify something that he knows is terribly wrong.

When we speak of mindlessness, I really think we mean (at least I mean), blinking back and forth between more than one thought or impulse, often with 'judgment' of ourselves.  Not being able to hold one thought or point of focus in mind.  A fracturness of attention, purpose, and object.  It seems to me, that this comes from departing from nature.  Not just from the natural world, but from our nature as human beings.  We could say many things about our nature; I will focus on one.  It seems to me we were meant to be connected in pursuit of good.  This is just a hypothesis.  I see more human flourishing by people connected in doing good.  Connected to each other, even connected in something like, and including a religious tradition and community (the research backs this up).  Connected in work, marriage, family, civic institutions, time, space, perhaps values, and a hundred other ways.  And connected in mind.

I am sure that this fracture of the human condition is a major thing that has given such seductive explanatory power to the story of a saving god from which we emanated and should return to as the source.  It is a neatly symmetrical tale.  It is what I still think of, consciously or not, when I brood and ruminate on parallel worlds, and other fantastical theories of convergence and  connectedness of humans and all things.  The allsource.  Being one.  New agers and psychonauts alike speak of it as the goal.

It mirrors the nature of reality and truth, which is non-contradiction.  The idea that all things are part of a seamless web, where ultimately there are no contradictions, and--an important corollary--in the fullness of time, all questions have an answer.  This is the opposite for brokenness, or split ends.  Some will criticize this as a comforting children's fable, but strange how we can't seem to escape its gravitational pull so much later in life and regardless of experience.

F. Scott Fitzgerald is often quoted as saying that "the test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function."  He does not say, though that a mature mind claims or tries to believe that two opposed ideas are true simultaneously in the same way.  In fact his statement clearly implies the opposite - that the reason the intelligence is first rate is because it continues to grapple with and seek an answer to reconcile the ideas to the extent they seem to be in conflict.  Otherwise we are in the territory of Zen Koans (which are really semantic novelties) or non-reason; absurdity.

It is interesting that pure materialistic rationality usually devolves into absurdity as a last refuge for intellectual asylum seekers.

I don't know if absurdity is the same as insanity.  I often need absurdity, either to make sense, or to get through a day.
Insanity is such a broad nomenclature, and we don't like to use the word in mental health circles today.  It harkens of Justice Judge Potter Stewart's description of legal obscenity (which the Supreme Court actually defined) as something about which one says, "I know it when I see it."  I am not sure I any longer do though.  When I see someone on a park bench or lying on the ground, talking, even mumbling to themselves, after a moment of sympathy, I no longer think, "oh that poor mentally ill person."  Sometimes I think, "oh, perhaps they found a more sane way to live" than this incorrigible rat race I am still in.  It might be a 'grass-is-greener' phenomena, but still, talking to oneself in public, deciding not to live a 'normal' life only highlights the absurdity of all of it for me.  

This has focused mainly on whether and how we look outwardly to know if someone else within our gaze is sane or insane.  Perhaps more profoundly, and uncomfortably though, I really wonder how I would know about myself if I were slipping into the masterpiece of insanity.  And how would I care?  A friend of mine wrote a book of aphorisms titled, The Madman Laughs at Everything.  Doesn't sound so bad to be the mad man.

 

Edited by gandolfication

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Lost a decision on appeal today, which I was virtually certain we were going to lose, despite valiant (50-page) effort.

Went over to the trial court this morning on a domestic violence civil protection order case, and won by voluntary dismissal - I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed because I think I was ready to try and win it.

All depressed people will understand what happened next - I started feeling crappy about it because 'all I did' was handle it for a week after he came in and got it dismissed, even though the accuser showed up with her mom.  I started asking myself what I could have done better.

Client was overjoyed.  He was shaking with anxiety and kept shaking my hand and then hugged me when we left court.  That was a first.  He asked me while we were waiting in court, if I got nervous - I lied, bald-faced and said, "ah a little at first, in anticipation but it keeps me focused and alert."  Actual truth is "f*ck yes, I get nervous to the point of near panic" but then as long as I'm prepared (never feel like its enough), I calm down and actually go into a state of flow.  By the end, I am finding I actually have been pretty zoned in a state of flow that is quite rare for me these days.

I had to remind myself that this client called me out of the blue 5 days before his hearing, having fired and/or had a couple other lawyers turn him down.  They wanted continuances to have time to prepare.  He wanted it dealt with asap, because it was disrupting his job and life.  And I accomplished that.

One of the things I am still not used to, is how rapid-fire things happen in a modern courtroom.  The last trial I had the judge was an absolute machine.  I was there solo (not a good way to try a case), and I was hypervigilant - had to keep remembering to breathe.  It was a largely unwinnable trial; and what I was especially gratified about was that, I kept on pace, but took my time, deliberatively, and used the courtroom projector technology - we had about 90 minutes of video footage from police dash-cams - and used it to good effect, actually pocking some holes in the 8 police officers' case.  

anyway, little more work to do and then the weekend, thank god.

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1 hour ago, gandolfication said:

Lost a decision on appeal today, which I was virtually certain we were going to lose, despite valiant (50-page) effort.

Went over to the trial court this morning on a domestic violence civil protection order case, and won by voluntary dismissal - I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed because I think I was ready to try and win it.

All depressed people will understand what happened next - I started feeling crappy about it because 'all I did' was handle it for a week after he came in and got it dismissed, even though the accuser showed up with her mom.  I started asking myself what I could have done better.

Client was overjoyed.  He was shaking with anxiety and kept shaking my hand and then hugged me when we left court.  That was a first.  He asked me while we were waiting in court, if I got nervous - I lied, bald-faced and said, "ah a little at first, in anticipation but it keeps me focused and alert."  Actual truth is "f*ck yes, I get nervous to the point of near panic" but then as long as I'm prepared (never feel like its enough), I calm down and actually go into a state of flow.  By the end, I am finding I actually have been pretty zoned in a state of flow that is quite rare for me these days.

I had to remind myself that this client called me out of the blue 5 days before his hearing, having fired and/or had a couple other lawyers turn him down.  They wanted continuances to have time to prepare.  He wanted it dealt with asap, because it was disrupting his job and life.  And I accomplished that.

One of the things I am still not used to, is how rapid-fire things happen in a modern courtroom.  The last trial I had the judge was an absolute machine.  I was there solo (not a good way to try a case), and I was hypervigilant - had to keep remembering to breathe.  It was a largely unwinnable trial; and what I was especially gratified about was that, I kept on pace, but took my time, deliberatively, and used the courtroom projector technology - we had about 90 minutes of video footage from police dash-cams - and used it to good effect, actually pocking some holes in the 8 police officers' case.  

anyway, little more work to do and then the weekend, thank god.

It sounds like you did a good job.  Winning (it does sound like you won) especially in what seems to be a lost battle takes intelligence and heart. 

I can understand that you did not want to appear weak in front of the client.  Sometimes we all need to save face a little. 

Your last paragraph you did exactly what one of my favorite professors would have done.  Find an opening in an argument and use it to exploit the rest (Correct me if I am wrong but that is how it appears to me). 

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5 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

especially in what seems to be a lost battle takes intelligence and heart.

Thank you.

And what a description..  yah, that's perfect.  Thx

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5 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

can understand that you did not want to appear weak in front of the client.  Sometimes we all need to save face a little

Well, yah.  Days past, I would have said exactly how I was feeling...like pretty much exactly...like, "I'm eating a cough drop right now because I have dry mouth, but that's partly for medications, wait oops, I mean, don't worry, we'll be fine....". (thinking.... If I don't forget my own name..)

 

But I have learned, people need other people and professionals not only to be confident but to act confident.  So now I try to do that as often as possible, while working (secretly If necessary) to be thorough and smart.

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5 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

Your last paragraph you did exactly what one of my favorite professors would have done.  Find an opening in an argument and use it to exploit the rest (Correct me if I am wrong but that is how it appears to me).

Yes, that is a very apt and vivid description.

Why did you like the professor?  What subject?  Why?

 

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2 hours ago, gandolfication said:

Yes, that is a very apt and vivid description.

Why did you like the professor?  What subject?  Why?

 

He is a now retired senior geology professor with experience from petrology to volcanology, remote sensing and some other stuff.  A very soft spoken, extremely knowledgeable and humble gentlemen. 

I did my independent study with him and learned to be rather conservative with my arguments (I did not get my butt kicked when I presented and got an A). 

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What Bipolar II Feels Like
by Bassey Ikpi, nytimes 
July 6, 2019 12:38 PM


Imagine if you didn’t fit in anywhere, not even in your own head.

Ms. Ikpi is a writer.


This bipolar II. This many-sided creature. This life of mine. This brain constantly in conference with the racing heart, reminding me to slow down, stay calm.

Remember the first time you were ever on a Ferris wheel? Remember when you got to the very top and just sat there, the entire world at your feet? You felt like you could reach up and grab the sky. Your entire body tingled with the intersection of joy and indestructibility and fearlessness and that good anxious recklessness. So damn excited to be alive at that moment. You could do anything.

Now imagine feeling that every day for a week, or a month, or a few months. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, without a break. So that everything you do feels like THE BIGGEST MOST AMAZING THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE IN YOUR LIFE!

The first week or so, it’s great. Until it’s not.

Because then the insomnia sets in. And you’re stacking days on top of one another, adding a new one before the last one ends. And you have to write the entire book tonight before you can sleep or eat or leave the house or do anything. But first you have to call your friends and your sister and the guy you just met and tell them all how much you love them. Tell each one that you’ve never felt this way about any other human being in the entire world and you’re so lucky and so glad and so grateful to have such an amazing, magical person in your life. And you believe it because it’s true.

Until it isn’t. Until everything about them — the way their voices trail, the way their mouths move when they chew, the fact that he crosses his legs at the knee, the way she speaks about movies she’s never seen, the way they refer to celebrities by their first names — starts to make you feel like your blood is filled with snakes and you want to scream awful things at them about how the sounds of their voices feel like teeth on your skin and how much you hate their mother or their apartment or yourself. You want to bury your hatred in them, but you’re never quite sure who you hate the most. You, it’s always you.

You know how you can get a song stuck in your head? Imagine hearing that song even in your sleep — waking you up in the middle of the night to ensure you’re aware of the lap it’s running in your head. Then imagine you have to find out everything you can about that song and its singer. Where it started? Who wrote it? What inspired it? Why? You have to do all of this before there can be quiet in your head, before you can rest, before you can sleep.

Now imagine you do this with clothes. You can only wear 7 for All Mankind jeans or Citizens of Humanity because they were both created by the same people until one of them left because of a falling-out and started C.O.H. You know this because you researched and Googled and Wikipedia-ed everything there is to know about them and those are the only jeans you can wear now so who cares if they’re two hundred dollars?

And then Oprah gave her entire audience James Perse T-shirts. She said they were the softest things she’d ever felt on her body, and it’s Oprah so you have to have them too. So you stay up all night and you order these shirts because Oprah said they were the softest she’d ever felt and you want to feel them. You want to know what they feel like and online shopping is the worst thing and the best thing that has ever happened to you. Because if you can’t sleep because you can’t stop thinking of the perfect jeans or the shirts so soft they made Oprah moan, then you can just buy them and try them for yourself.

And imagine you do all of this each night for many nights. And then the packages come because of course you did overnight express and you feel crazy and stupid and silly and irresponsible and you’re exhausted because you know this isn’t normal. You know this isn’t how normal people are and you don’t know what’s wrong with you. And you don’t know what to do. And you don’t know how to live like this but you don’t know how to stop, and the need to persuade your body to give up is visceral — it crawls through your being and your brain wants to stop it but your brain can’t because your brain is tired.

Imagine you don’t fit anywhere, not even in your own head.

Bassey Ikpi is the author of the forthcoming book “I’m Telling The Truth But I’m Lying,” from which this essay is adapted.

 

 

I just read the above in the New York times and thought it was so good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

16 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

He is a now retired senior geology professor with experience from petrology to volcanology, remote sensing and some other stuff.  A very soft spoken, extremely knowledgeable and humble gentlemen. 

I did my independent study with him and learned to be rather conservative with my arguments (I did not get my butt kicked when I presented and got an A). 

Sounds like a good experience.

My law professors and early partners taught us to be conservative with our arguments too.  It adds credibility.

 

I don't always follow that now, because after all this client is only paying you to win for them, and I take it that if one stays polite, accurate (not misleading), and fair, a judge, at least ought to expect a little advocacy, and the client surely does.

If we're going to fight about something that matters, let's keep it professional, but let's really have it out 

 

I digress.

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18 hours ago, gandolfication said:

Sounds like a good experience.

My law professors and early partners taught us to be conservative with our arguments too.  It adds credibility.

 

I don't always follow that now, because after all this client is only paying you to win for them, and I take it that if one stays polite, accurate (not misleading), and fair, a judge, at least ought to expect a little advocacy, and the client surely does.

If we're going to fight about something that matters, let's keep it professional, but let's really have it out 

 

I digress.

That is true.  Thing is that there are things that seem unsoundly supported at the present (taking evolution as an example) and turn out to have more supporting evidence or sources that have not been found yet or lost.

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7 hours ago, Rattler6 said:

That is true.  Thing is that there are things that seem unsoundly supported at the present (taking evolution as an example) and turn out to have more supporting evidence or sources that have not been found yet or lost.

If I am understanding the import of that correctly, it adds a reason to argue Even for the improbable, which would be good because it is a situation I find myself in every day.

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@gandolficationOh for Pete's sake...I didn't read the post about your grandmother until just now. My deepest condolences for the loss of an obviously loved family member. I was fortunate enough to have a grandmother and great-grandmother who cared for me. If not for them, I'd be dead right now. No exaggeration.

I'm sorry I missed this originally.

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On 7/2/2019 at 9:24 AM, gandolfication said:

While I was in the hospital last, completing an adult outpatient program, I became fond of occasionally quoting aloud (and more often to myself), an aphorism by Jiddu Krishnamurti:

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Ah! That's who said it. I sometimes use variations of that quote but wasn't certain where it came from.

That needs to be my mantra as well.. I think I'll add it to my signature line. Thanks!

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

@gandolficationOh for Pete's sake...I didn't read the post about your grandmother until just now. My deepest condolences for the loss of an obviously loved family member. I was fortunate enough to have a grandmother and great-grandmother who cared for me. If not for them, I'd be dead right now. No exaggeration.

I'm sorry I missed this originally.

No worries man.  We just put stuff out here; there's no obligation.  (I'm not good about seeing others' updates if it doesn't tag something I'm writing in these days).  Wow, that's nice to hear you say of your grandparents.  I always have thought grandparents who help raise their kids' kids are heroic in a unique way.  I'm glad for you, and I bet your grands found it rewarding as well.

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13 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Ah! That's who said it. I sometimes use variations of that quote but wasn't certain where it came from.

That needs to be my mantra as well.. I think I'll add it to my signature line. Thanks!

As much as I like identifying with it also, it nags at me to answer whether it isn't he healthier to be poorly adjusted to a profoundly sick society... of which I am part.

Can't say I have much in the way of an answer.  I find some solace and hope I'm the subtitle here:

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.

Control what we can.  Try to be the best us we are capable of being in a given moment.  (paraphrasing Ghandi).  That sort of stuff.

 

 

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My daughter came home from camp tonight.  It sounds like she had a great week.  But then she started getting upset. First that her sister. Then at me.

The evening got very emotional.  I was tired.  I thought that I still tried to manage it, and calm it down.  Maybe, I don't know.

I have things, including myself, are fairly unstable right now.  There's no margin for error, and everything seems stressful.

I have a doctor's appointment early this morning.  I'll go.  This GP is helpful.  he makes suggestions and other than that is generally willing to follow anything I ask for within reason.  That's what you need when you know more about certain saline to aspects of your condition than any doctor would ever have time to.

Pressure is mounting.  I feel like I can't hold it together much longer.  I am virtually certain to run out of money again this month.  This was one thing my daughter got upset about... She heard me say that I might go to a friend's poker game at his house, and she started expressing that she was afraid and asking me questions about handling money and not wasting it gambling and so forth.  I tried to explain I don't gamble, and that if they used money at all it would be penny ante.  She persisted saying every dollar counts.  She's never had to earn her manned to dollar in her life, and I basically thanked her for her opinion, mentioned this, and said I really didn't want to have more of a lecture from her.  (also trying to hide the fact that she is not wrong to be worried about money even though her worry will do no good).  Anyway I think she was just emotional. Maybe from being tired from a long trip.  I shouldn't be surprised by it. I have virtually taught my kids if anything to be overly emotional.  They are reflection of me and the environment that I've created.  And this weighs very heavily on me.

With all of this together, and the grinding pressure work setting in more again, I feel like returning to the escape of thoughts of suic ide.  I don't want to go back there.  But I am also terrified of going forward.

But I am going.

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