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Hey thanks everyone (and sorry I guess too).  I really didn't mean to alarm anyone.  I'm just having trouble coping.  With everything.  Work.  Home.  $.  Emotions.  Relationships.  Anxiety I'm struggling to deal with what seems like every moment.  Despair.  Loss of hope.  Everything, everyone here is intimately familiar with.

I don't really think I have means for wherewithal to take any final action...don't really have much of a plan right now either.  I don't have means around the house.  At work, I'm not sure if or how I can access the roof.  I feel like it.  I want to.  But I don't think I am close.  I wish I were.  I really wish I were.

I did see that the previous Today 2 thread was suspended, closed for further replies, I presume because there was concern.  Apologies again, I really didn't intend that.  I was just expressing the way I felt and feel.  Which is awful.  No one here needs it explained - you all know.  (because this is a new thread, I'm cc'ing those of you I can think of now from the old one)

Anyway, thank you all.  I got a number of messages, and even calls - and thank you all - I tried to respond to everyone who did.  If I missed anyone, please know how deeply I appreciate your concern and empathy.  I have been having trouble managing everything lately, and in a spiral I'm trying to get some control of.

Thank you

-g

@uncertain1, @LonelyHiker, @Sophy, @JD4010

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I had a better night and morning thus far.  I'm not looking back or ahead.  

This effing disease is so exhausting.  But I'm just grateful for even a short respite of sorts.  I made dinner, took care of the 3 kids, and helped my daughter with her homework and prepare for her science fair presentation.  Feel pretty good about that.  Even looked over my notes for court.

Getting ready for a court hearing.

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I prepared a bit, went down to a federal hearing in Cincinnati, and we won 2 of the 3 issues, with the 3rd to be determined in 3-4 months when the government processes the transcript and makes a decision.

That was pretty unexpected and feels good.  I still can't seem to wake up these days, but it feels good.  And feeling good about anything is really saying something.  I'll take it like a bandit.

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@gandolfication,  when's the last time you had a physical with blood work? I recall  @Sophy suggesting some tests, e.g. thyroid function. You're young, but is there any chance you could have sleep apnea? I just has a temporary  crown "sanded down" and slept past 4:00 a.m. for the 1st time in over a month. 

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2 hours ago, uncertain1 said:

@gandolfication,  when's the last time you had a physical with blood work? I recall  @Sophy suggesting some tests, e.g. thyroid function. You're young, but is there any chance you could have sleep apnea? I just has a temporary  crown "sanded down" and slept past 4:00 a.m. for the 1st time in over a month. 

I had blood with thyroid done I believe about 6 months ago...it showed mostly normal.  (I didn't know blood testing could help determine sleep apnea).
I do think it is likely that I have some degree of sleep apnea.  I've come very close to getting tested.  I am overweight now.  I allegedly snore (it has never been proven).  It's probably something I should do, along with a bunch of other medical stuff.  To some degree, I kind of have given up on health in general as long as I just feel so worthless and pointless and hopeless.  I know, I know, this doesn't help.  I should do it while I have private (gaughing) health insurance, etc.

I'll add it to my list of survival.

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9 minutes ago, gandolfication said:

To some degree, I kind of have given up on health in general as long as I just feel so worthless and pointless and hopeless.

Ditto. I cancelled two procedures I was supposed to have done earlier this year. I also have a mouth full of broken teeth that ain't gonna get fixed. Who cares? I certainly don't.

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3 minutes ago, gandolfication said:

I kind of have given up on health in general as long as I just feel so worthless and pointless and hopeless

I completely understand the feeling. However, you have a fan club to consider ;) I'm reading " Why We Sleep" by neuroscientist  Matthew Walker. (There are YouTube videos too). Meds, mental illness, and sleep interweave in complex ways, as you know. I just want you to feel better. 

(Didn't mean to imply apnea could be detected by bloodwork; 2 separate thoughts. Tried to take shortcut ... I'm slow on the phone)

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12 minutes ago, uncertain1 said:

I completely understand the feeling. However, you have a fan club to consider 😉 I'm reading " Why We Sleep" by neuroscientist  Matthew Walker. (There are YouTube videos too). Meds, mental illness, and sleep interweave in complex ways, as you know. I just want you to feel better. 

(Didn't mean to imply apnea could be detected by bloodwork; 2 separate thoughts. Tried to take shortcut ... I'm slow on the phone)

Oh, okay, no problem.

I think my older brother is reading or recently red that book.

he summed one broad conclusion for me.  I asked if we really know exactly why (scientifically etc.) why we do sleep...I'd always read we don't, and he said, per the book:  no.  But the real question is why we don't sleep more, when sleep makes EVERYTHING ELSE better.

Point taken.

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Argh...woke up at 2 a.m. this morning. Did any of you get a message from new member Honeyflower inviting you to click a link to some site? (I'm going to delete it). 

Hope everyone is doing ok. Taking a road trip to see friends for a few days. First time to take the dog. Cat sitter comes twice a day for my Marvin and the alley cats, but Marvin is such a love junky it's hard to leave him. I guess they have Internet in Arkansas (I'm joking, but I  am packing some vegan food).

 

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7 hours ago, uncertain1 said:

Argh...woke up at 2 a.m. this morning. Did any of you get a message from new member Honeyflower inviting you to click a link to some site? (I'm going to delete it). 

Hope everyone is doing ok. Taking a road trip to see friends for a few days. First time to take the dog. Cat sitter comes twice a day for my Marvin and the alley cats, but Marvin is such a love junky it's hard to leave him. I guess they have Internet in Arkansas (I'm joking, but I  am packing some vegan food).

 

didn't see the spammy message.  Have fun on the trip, even though it's to Arkansas.  :biglaugh:

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On 4/19/2019 at 10:24 AM, gandolfication said:

didn't see the spammy message.  Have fun on the trip, even though it's to Arkansas.  :biglaugh:

Watched the sunrise come up over the heavily wooded hills. I've slept until almost 6:00 a.m. 2 days in a row. I seriously doubt I'd ever be a country gal, but maybe nature (and no blue light from electronics) is good for helping one sleep. Miss the cats though. Hugs to all of you. 

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15 hours ago, uncertain1 said:

Watched the sunrise come up over the heavily wooded hills. I've slept until almost 6:00 a.m. 2 days in a row. I seriously doubt I'd ever be a country gal, but maybe nature (and no blue light from electronics) is good for helping one sleep. Miss the cats though. Hugs to all of you. 

Amen.

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5 hours ago, gandolfication said:

Who is my truest self? That is the question I want the answer to.

Check out the youtube videos "Introduction to Carl Jung - The Psyche, Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious" and "Introduction to Carl Jung - Individuation, the Persona, the Shadow, and the Self" by Academy of Ideas for a good summary/ reminder of Jungian first principles... The process of individuation/ self-realisation is what your question refers to... It's a deeply valuable, rewarding but also complex, challenging and confronting process. (Most people are stuck in their (societal) persona... It's a huge impediment to being/ becoming/ regaining your true self)

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5 hours ago, Sophy said:

Check out the youtube videos "Introduction to Carl Jung - The Psyche, Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious" and "Introduction to Carl Jung - Individuation, the Persona, the Shadow, and the Self" by Academy of Ideas for a good summary/ reminder of Jungian first principles... The process of individuation/ self-realisation is what your question refers to... It's a deeply valuable, rewarding but also complex, challenging and confronting process. (Most people are stuck in their (societal) persona... It's a huge impediment to being/ becoming/ regaining your true self)

Thanks, I will.  just put these into my queue.  Appreciate it.

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9 hours ago, Sophy said:

 (Most people are stuck in their (societal) persona... It's a huge impediment to being/ becoming/ regaining your true self)

Ding ding ding! I'm aware that I'm stuck in my societal persona, but becoming my true self would be disruptive to others. Unless my concept of true self is flawed.

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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

Ding ding ding! I'm aware that I'm stuck in my societal persona, but becoming my true self would be disruptive to others. Unless my concept of true self is flawed.

Well, you'd better not inconvenience other people, right...? 😉

Course it's a huuuuuuuuuuge f*cking inconvenience for others 😄

I've never copped more flack for anything, in my entire life.

Was it still worth it?

YES

Huge f*cking yes

Makes life worth living 😉

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I would say the process of becoming your true self is every bit as scary, challenging, difficult, intimidating as coming out is, if you are gay.

It's the same process, IMO.

Your real self is what people don't want to see/ hear/ know.

(Except for the tiny handful of people that truly like you as you are.)

Most people are like "OMG please no"

So being your true self takes the same kind of courage and willingness to sacrifice things like comfort/ superficial acceptance... to follow your own, true journey, as coming out does.

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3 minutes ago, Sophy said:

Well, you'd better not inconvenience other people, right...? 😉

Course it's a huuuuuuuuuuge f*cking inconvenience for others 😄

I've never copped more flack for anything, in my entire life.

Was it still worth it?

YES

Huge f*cking yes

Makes life worth living 😉

Thanks. Yeah. Sometimes I think along those lines. And then the endless litany of doubts begins (again).

I'm in a horribly deep rut. I can conceive of hoisting myself out of it, but at the same time, I conceive of causing the distress you mention. The result is staying in the rut and not really "living". Perhaps.

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Only one way to find out, right?

And there's actually *one* positive thing to despair... And it's that when you run out of road... You try something different.

When you have nothing left to lose, because a crappy life is no longer worth living... Then you can risk living your real life, cos all you've got left to lose is a crappy non-life.

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