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OtherKin

Life Feeds on Life, EDNOS

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Posted (edited)

Hello everyone, I'm still pretty new to the forums but long story short, I've come here to depression forums for support with several mental illnesses, including high-functioning autism, schizophrenia, and bi-polar (perhaps borderline personality) disorder. Pleased to meet everyone here in eating disorders and I hope I can find others who have had similar struggles with eating. It's a very embarrassing topic and hits close to home, but I'm at the end of my rope almost and hope for support.

 

The dynamic of the members of the natural order being mutually dependent on each other by eating each other drives me nuts, and it has for the most part gotten worse since childhood (I was practically born with this fixation, having what is known as vorarephilia since I was in diapers still). Even with vorarephilia, I haven’t come across anyone who has problems with eating because of it, and I am still easily triggered and shaken by anything related to food. Being intimately caught up in this process but at the top of the food chain is an extreme erotic frustration, multiplied by the fact that I am love shy and still a virgin at almost 30, never having even hooked up. It’s a terrible burden, it has no release, and I’m pissed to have been born in a time before something like matrix-style virtual reality where such a thing would be possible.

I love the sensation of hunger, my body having to eat itself, and I almost inadvertently starved myself to death as I went into psychosis in my early 20’s. I am at a healthy weight now thanks to sedating medicine, but still, every time I eat it is a shamefully erotic experience, and now more than ever I can feel so much of what’s going on inside of me in the GI tract, nutrients going through my bloodstream, and even metabolism, as though I am “tasting” the food not just with my tongue anymore but especially with my stomach and my entire body. How can something so bad feel so good?

Thank you, living things, for your life essence, but I have absolutely no joy or rejoicing in the gift, but vicarious feelings of discomfort and shame and remorse. I don’t want your gift; it’s a horrible thing to take from you. I want to give of myself in return, but I just can’t stand taking. But we are supposed to do this or die, which is suicide. I absolutely loathe having to eat, yet I am really turned on by it out of an obsession with death somehow. I pray and pray and pray each time that, somehow, I may experience the same in return. The afterlife seems to be the only way, and I know it will be if my self-hate doesn’t ruin me first, but I have to wait so damn long to die, day in and day out filling that bottomless void where everything dies so that I may live. Maybe all this will go to God, if he accepts my hate too. I’ve got a Dr. Jekyl / Mr. Hyde thing going on.  

I’ve realized this is a most spiritual thing for me; perhaps what goes on down here is an imperfect, even crude reflection of what happens above, and I would never part ways with it in hopes if this fantasy being realized somehow. I feel that in a way this is a most wonderful blessing to have, except it has been a most difficult thing to handle. Perhaps about the core of myself that causes these problems and my other neuroses is vorarephilia, wherein I have erotic fantasy of being eaten whole and consciously experiencing being broken down and absorbed and used as nourishment, and as a consequence of the process I experience an annihilation of personhood and identity. 

I don’t understand how others can take and feed seemingly without with what seems to be any discomfort or enjoyment from the sensual digestive sensations within themselves and the reality that even plants and bacteria are / were once alive and that “you are what you eat.” My shame simply overcomes my thanks for the food. It seems to be either a non-factor or perhaps an accepted and loved thing (someone who’s dealt with this I haven’t come across), as though the thought doesn’t occur (eating is pretty base and fundamental, people don’t concern themselves with this when they’re busy living life perhaps) or they have the self-esteem and acceptance of the way things are to not be bothered at all by it and cope with or even enjoy the necessity of sacrifice of other living things. Life is hell for me even on this basic fact. It seems I have great trouble with not just food, but having an appetite for the intangibles too.

 

How can I love eating without feeling shame and dysphoria, or can these emotions be lived with and transformed into something positive (I'm drawing from Karla McLaren's "The Language of Emotions" book)? Google has had no answer for me on this on my specific case, am I alone with this particular flavor of Eating Disorder NOS? 

Edited by OtherKin
logical flow

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Posted (edited)

I am now in the best of moods. Euphoria. It's been a fantastic day so far. I am in a mindful, forward-oriented mindset now. Lets see if I can unravel it...

I now have a high-performance computer from falcon northwest, that is bleeding edge top tier. Here is my a part of my review of it so far,

"
...I use this computer a lot, and moving from my old computer, getting used to the instantaneous speed of this one has actually transferred to speeding up my life in general. I think more quickly, am more efficient at every task, and am happier in general.

"

I am in the best physical health that I have ever been in, I have limitless energy to accomplish anything, and I only need 4 hours of sleep a night (I am a short sleeper), and I am generally a happy and empathic person. I should have plenty of time to prepare and train for some kind of career I can do from home. I want to and see that I can pursue my dreams and not depend on others for happiness. But now at least, my life is absolutely amazing, except that I don't know how to cope with two things:

1. I wanted to be/have xyz... What was the point of all the pointless suffering that I had to endure to get there? I posted about it in:

2. I'm fasting and not hungry right now. It's so much easier for me to be happy when I'm not having to cope with vorarephilia.

So, it isn't all bad. I don't think I'll ever be suicidal but I don't want to jeporadize my relationship with God with such depressed/self-loathing / angst with God moods that come and go as though a switch were flipped. They both seem real while I'm in these moods.

Edited by OtherKin

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