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shortmuse323

I"m new at this :/

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Sorry if this end up reading weird but I have never talked online about my issue like this. I just don't really know where else to go since people that don't have bipolar disorder don't really understand what it's like to have this. I have hit a pretty low low recently and am seeing my dr on Monday for yet another med adjustment. I am so sick of adjusting my meds because I always find a new set of side effects waiting for me as well. I was hospitalized in November 2018 with  involuntary self harm thoughts as well as severe depression and anxiety. I was a mess to say the least. A walking zombie for the lack of a better analogy. When I got out of the hospital, I was excited for a fresh start but now I am at yet another low after med adjustments and side effects overcome. I'm sick of fighting my illness. I"m sick of people telling me how strong I am. You can only be strong for so long before the weight becomes too much and you give in. I have given in. I'm not fighting the symptoms of my depression anymore. If I want to sleep, I'm sleeping. If I want to eat, I"m eating. I don't care anymore. This is a new thing for me because I always have fought it. I have a tattoo on my arm that says "It's not about finding a cure, it's about learning how to live." There is no cure for my illness but I just don't know how to live with it. I feel completely out of control. And I'm angry. I'm angry that I can't just be normal and live my life without this demon that follows me everywhere I go. I have heard a lot of people call the depression side of bipolar the darkness and it is so true. It's like a black blanket that enfolds you until it decides to go away. My new low that I'm in is different than what I'm use to. I have had a lot of sex with my fiance and I just can't seem to be satisfied. I don't feel like I can sleep enough and I have no motivation to do anything at all. I can't keep my thoughts straight in my head either. It's like a complete fog. I smoke pot to help with my anxiety which thankfully has not reared its ugly head yet but I'm having to smoke to get my head to slow down and keep my thoughts at a sane rate. I'm also eating too much. It's like all I can think about is food (sober or not). I'm use to having just the tiredness as well as the lack of motivation but not the eating and the sex drive. I'm on three different meds right now for my illness and have even more as needed drugs and it all still doesn't seem to be enough. I' m just lost which is I guess why I have ended up here. Please only kind words if you comment. I can't handle anymore negativity in my head right now. It's too hard tune out.  

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