Bad struggle today. Just need to put it here. Very triggering maybe.

[lp44]

I know this isn't a unique post...but I'm just so sad and feel so alone in my struggle.  How do you keep going when you've done so many hard things yet the fight isn't over?Feels like it will never be over. 

It's too much. I'm hurting so bad today I'm struggling with thoughts of sh because physical pain helps distract from other pain that's worse. The short reprisal feels worth it. 

That is so messed up I realize. 

But I'm hurting and don't know where to turn. So I place it here in hopes atleast someone gets it. 

😔 I'm so broken. People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 

[MarkintheDark]

You're right, yours is not a unique post.  What's important is that you're in distress.  What's also important, as if I have to remind you or anyone, you reached out to your sisters and brothers here.  Messed up?  According to whom?  You're hurting and doing the best you can with it.  Perhaps those points can be a smidge of comfort.

Instead of sh, is there something else that will help distract you?  My go-to lately to sidestep the torturous physical symptoms of anxiety attacks has been binging Netflix.  Yep, I'm serious.  Oh, I've so wished it was something that would get me outta bed, but sometimes that's the best I can do.  Nope, it's not enuf, but it just has to do.

48 minutes ago, lp44 said:

People think I'm so very strong but I'm so tired of being strong. 

For some reason I've noticed so many of us posting the same thought here lately.  It's effin' exhausting to keep up appearances. 

idk that's it's a solution, as such, but I just avoid putting myself in situations in which I have to wear the facade.  Heck, I'll even just lie to get myself clear of a situation that's stressful.  It's important I respect MY limitations, even if no one else understands my actions.  Again, not necessarily the solution I want, but it's often the best I can do at the moment and, frankly, the best I can manage on self-care.

 

Edited March 31, 2019 by MarkintheDark

[Epictetus]

I'm so sorry you are suffering, LP ! ! !  You deserve so much better than you have received in life.  I would like to write more to you but unfortunately pain in my hands prevents me from typing for very long.  I do want you to know that you are in thoughts ! ! !   - epictetus

[sober4life]

Yeah I'm tired of being strong too.  The people around me have forced me to become an award winning actor in my life.  How dare they put me in such a position where there is no trust whatsoever and I feel I have to keep up appearances.  All of this is hard enough as it is and then "family and friends" have to put us through this.  It's absurd!  Today they had the nerve to ask me are you sure you are well enough to drive home?  They couldn't keep me from leaving if they tried!  I keep fighting because I know I'm leaving soon.  That's about it.

[BeyondWeary]

So sorry you have been in a lot of pain. I can relate. How are you doing today?

BW

[lp44]

On 3/31/2019 at 6:26 PM, MarkintheDark said:

You're right, yours is not a unique post.  What's important is that you're in distress.  What's also important, as if I have to remind you or anyone, you reached out to your sisters and brothers here.  Messed up?  According to whom?  You're hurting and doing the best you can with it.  Perhaps those points can be a smidge of comfort.

Instead of sh, is there something else that will help distract you?  My go-to lately to sidestep the torturous physical symptoms of anxiety attacks has been binging Netflix.  Yep, I'm serious.  Oh, I've so wished it was something that would get me outta bed, but sometimes that's the best I can do.  Nope, it's not enuf, but it just has to do.

For some reason I've noticed so many of us posting the same thought here lately.  It's effin' exhausting to keep up appearances. 

idk that's it's a solution, as such, but I just avoid putting myself in situations in which I have to wear the facade.  Heck, I'll even just lie to get myself clear of a situation that's stressful.  It's important I respect MY limitations, even if no one else understands my actions.  Again, not necessarily the solution I want, but it's often the best I can do at the moment and, frankly, the best I can manage on self-care.

 

Thank you so much for your response. It's hard to give myself compassion enough to say I'm doing my best. That doesn't come easy for me. 

I appreciate you taking the time to respond. 🙂

[lp44]

On 3/31/2019 at 7:15 PM, Epictetus said:

I'm so sorry you are suffering, LP ! ! !  You deserve so much better than you have received in life.  I would like to write more to you but unfortunately pain in my hands prevents me from typing for very long.  I do want you to know that you are in thoughts ! ! !   - epictetus

Thank you. This means a lot. I appreciate your response. 🙂

[lp44]

On 3/31/2019 at 7:16 PM, sober4life said:

Yeah I'm tired of being strong too.  The people around me have forced me to become an award winning actor in my life.  How dare they put me in such a position where there is no trust whatsoever and I feel I have to keep up appearances.  All of this is hard enough as it is and then "family and friends" have to put us through this.  It's absurd!  Today they had the nerve to ask me are you sure you are well enough to drive home?  They couldn't keep me from leaving if they tried!  I keep fighting because I know I'm leaving soon.  That's about it.

Thank you. 🙂 Yes it is super hard to constantly try to fake it through so many days. 

[lp44]

6 hours ago, BeyondWeary said:

So sorry you have been in a lot of pain. I can relate. How are you doing today?

BW

Things are still a little intense. It's been a while since I've gone through such an intense streak. 

Thanks for your response. 🙂