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Hello all.  I guess this post serves as both an introduction, and a chance for me to vent.

At this time, I'm not comfortable giving my name, even if it's just my first name, so I'll leave out that part of the introduction.

I'm 41 years old, and I know in my head that depression and sadness doesn't have an age limit, but I still keep beating myself up thinking that I am behaving like an angst ridden teenager, just like I did when I was an actual teenager.  I chose my username because as a teenager, I used to wax poetic about all my pain with terrible, terrible poetry.  It didn't really help then, except to convince myself that I could share my emotional pain with others through flowery words.

Where to begin?  Well, let's start with my age, and health.  As I said, I'm 41, and I have been diabetic for 30 years.  A good portion of that time I did not take care of myself, and I am paying for it now.  If you looked at me, you'd never know, so thank goodness for small favors there, but internally, I'm a wreck.  I am on dialysis, and I have been for two years.  I am suffering from diabetic neuropathy in both my feet, and it's agony to walk, especially when I first stand up after sitting or lying down for a while.  I am so tired all the time.  I mean, I can sleep 16 hours out of the day if left alone.  I can't do anything that I used to be able to do, I get out of breath so easily and feel like I am going to pass out.

Despite this, I drag myself out of bed every day and force myself, however bad I hurt, to go to work.  I want to be a success, but I know that this will never happen for so many reasons.  It's a running theme in my life.  I get an incredible job with an outstanding salary, I work, but I can't keep it up for long.  It shows mostly in my tardiness or absenteeism.  My supervisors will love my work, but they can't take the constant lateness and sick days, so I get fired.  This was going on long before the dialysis and neuropathy.  I was just always so tired and didn't want to wake up.  The past few years I have managed to fight through some of the exhaustion and make it to work on time, but other aspects of my health get in the way of performing my job.  I have to leave early for dialysis, and I know for a fact I've been fired for my health, but there's no way that I an prove it.  I've even spoken to lawyers, and since they basically didn't come right out and say that was the reason, there's no way to dispute the reasons they did give.

I'm pretty isolated. I have been in a relationship for 17 years, but I am so unhappy. I love the woman I'm with as a person, and I don't want to hurt her, but I feel no romantic attraction to her at all.  Any intimacy is always forced, and I get no real enjoyment out of it.  I am also very resentful towards her.  She makes a big production to everyone about how she takes care of me, and I play along in public, but in reality nothing ever gets done.  It's all a facade.  And when I call her on it in private, there's always an excuse or claims that she did do such and such, but I know that she was sitting at the kitchen table until 3AM watching YouTube, or having a screaming argument with her mother over one thing or another.  She would fight with her mother over anything, and her mother, who suffers from BPD, is more than willing to come up with reasons for an argument.  The next thing you know, the whole day is wasted and we're into the wee hours of the morning, so she'll end up sleeping the entire day away.  I know she's depressed, too, but won't do anything about it.

Nothing is done right in my house.  Nothing is ever cleaned, things are breaking or broken.  We don't sit down to dinner until midnight or later most of the time, and even then, it's usually fast food because no one wants to, or sometimes even can, cook in the house.  Right now, she said she was going to cook dinner for me because I am completely broken, but she's busy fighting with her mother instead.  I came home from work a little early today, exhausted as usual, limping through the door because my feet, my knees, and my back were ******* me.  This was at 4PM, she said she was going to the grocery store to get something to cook for dinner.  Well, she didn't leave until 8PM, and was gone until 10.  I know I must sound like a monster, getting upset that she isn't cooking dinner, and I feel bad for that, but it's like running a marathon just trying to survive the day without collapsing.  And because of everything, I usually don't get to bed before 3AM, and have to be up at 7AM, which isn't helping with anything.

I also have no other friends.  Between my physical and mental health, I have lost contact with everyone.  I have no support system, no family to speak of, so I always feel so alone.  

I guess I'm a horrible person for doing this, but I've created online dating profiles, trying to meet women, not to have affair, but as sad as it is, to talk to, flirt with, maybe get a little attention.  While I don't want to be with my girlfriend, I can't leave her because I don't want to hurt her.  That will leave her alone with her mother, who has destroyed any other relationship she has tried to have her entire life.  She also has done a lot for me, sacrificed so much, that I can't bring myself to leave.

I did start speaking to someone, and I got along really well with her and I was very attracted to her.  We would text throughout the day, and talk, and flirt, and it gave me some illusion of happiness.  She kept wanting to get together, and I kept coming up with excuses as to why I couldn't  The other day she suddenly grew very distant, and said we need to take things slow (they had the appearance of moving very fast, except for meeting in person).  The texts were colder, and nothing like what they were.  The last thing I texted to her was that if she wanted to talk to me, she knew my number, and if she wanted to get together, to let me know when.  She wrote back that she'd like to grab dinner next week, and I said sure.  No date, no plans were set.  I've deleted all her texts, and her contact information from my phone, except for one mention of her phone number.  I'm trying to bring myself to delete that so I wouldn't be able to contact her if I want to, and if there was any more communication it would have to start with her.  She hasn't written since, and I'm wishing she would.  I miss talking to her, and on top of that, I miss feeling like there might be a chance for me to be at least a little less sad.  I'm half tempted to go meet her if she does write.  I am so tired of feeling like this.  I feel like I am living my life, waiting to die.

That doesn't mean I'm suicidal.  Heaven knows why not, but I have no desire to **** myself.  But I feel like I am going to be miserable, and there is no changing that, and my only escape will be that one day when my health catches up with me and kills me.

I'm sorry for the long post, and I appreciate anyone who has read through the whole thing.  I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to do.  I've talked to therapists and psychiatrists, and that doesn't help at all.  Talking doesn't seem to make me feel better in the long run, or give me insight into anything that changes my life for the better.  I've taken just about every kind of anti-depressant there is out there, right now I am on Wellbutrin 300XL, and Xanax every now and then when I need it, but it doesn't seem to be able to keep up.  I've tried Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, you name it, and nothing seems to work.  I just don't know what to do.

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Hi, I just happened upon your post and wanted to let you know you are in my prayers. It's hard to not have friends you can talk over your problems with. You are going to have to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. Forget feelings. They have you trapped! Do something you wouldn't normally do and tell yourself it doesn't matter if you fail, at least you tried . Stop feeling guilty for the things you can't control.You are no worse than anyone else in this world.Pray and ask God to reveal what you need to do to get on the right track and regain your health. Listen for the answer.God cares about you and wants you to feel better. Ask and you will receive. Don't give up! I don't know you but I will be rooting for you! You are discouraged and that's a hard place to be but you can find the answers you need. Surround yourself with other healthy positive people and get the toxic people out of your life. You owe them nothing! Good luck. Take care!!

 

 

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Hi xwaxpoeticx and hi numberonezee,

    I want to welcome you both to the Forums. 

    I would like to write more to each of you but right now I am suffering a terrible bout of painful tendinitis in both hands so that will have to wait.  You both deserve better than my poor welcome so I hope others here will respond to your posts ! ! ! 

  - epictetus

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I love that this is a place where all different people can come together and find pieces of people’s stories that resonate with them. I am a young woman blessed with good physical health but still have the same struggle of wanting so badly to be a success but being stifled by physical and mental pain. Getting fired for bad attendance due to these factors is a sad reality that we face and I can’t stop beating myself up over it. It’s simply impossible to hold a job and I had to be home schooled for the same reasons.  

I think you should communicate with your girlfriend and let her know some of these hard things before you really do hurt her with going behind her back. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and speak 100% truthfully with her about how you feel might even bring up feelings for your gf you haven’t felt in a long time. (Of course I don’t know how the conversation would go)

I understand feeling lonely and needing someone to turn to, and in those times it is always important to remember you have YOURSELF. You can be your own worst enemy but I promise you are also the only person who is going to pull yourself up. I wish I could take the pain from those who don’t deserve it. I hope you find comfort and content in your life and I wish you the best of health (

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Posted (edited)

Welcome to DF and you're certainly in the right place to be a mess.  Having faced a few long term medical issues of my own and the frustrations of not being able to do what I used to do, it's been a rough haul.  fwiw, I'm struck by the resilience you have. 

1 hour ago, xwaxpoeticx said:

my only escape will be that one day when my health catches up with me and kills me

Yep.  I get that.  So often I just feel like quitting.  I can't imagine, however, how utterly stifling the home situation has been for you.  Nor, frankly, am I in any position to advise.

This is probably woefully inadequate, but, at the least, you've just found a support system.  Sometimes this has been all I've had.  Honestly, just keep unloading as much as needed.  Browse the threads, too.  I can virtually guarantee you'll find bits of your own story among us.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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11 hours ago, numberonezee said:

Hi, I just happened upon your post and wanted to let you know you are in my prayers. It's hard to not have friends you can talk over your problems with. You are going to have to step out of your comfort zone and try something new. Forget feelings. They have you trapped! Do something you wouldn't normally do and tell yourself it doesn't matter if you fail, at least you tried . Stop feeling guilty for the things you can't control.You are no worse than anyone else in this world.Pray and ask God to reveal what you need to do to get on the right track and regain your health. Listen for the answer.God cares about you and wants you to feel better. Ask and you will receive. Don't give up! I don't know you but I will be rooting for you! You are discouraged and that's a hard place to be but you can find the answers you need. Surround yourself with other healthy positive people and get the toxic people out of your life. You owe them nothing! Good luck. Take care!!

 

 

Thank you for your prayers. It's easy to forget that sometimes there are people out there, complete strangers, who are legitimately concerned for others.

I wish I had faith in something that could perhaps being me some comfort. My entire life I've found it impossible to believe in any higher power, and often I find myself jealous of people that do. I want to, but I find it impossible to reconcile with what I believe. 

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Thanks for the warm welcome.  I'm at dialysis now, and I will be here until 11PM tonight, after a full day of work and I am so tired.  I think even though I am so physically tired and everything hurts, I am even more tired emotionally.  I am trying to keep hope that I might be able to find a little solace here.

I feel like I want to cry all the time, it's just bubbling under the surface, and that if I could cry, I might feel a little bit better.  There's a block that prevents me from crying and I don't know what it is.  I know the last time I cried was the night my mother passed away.  It was a bad time, I was 22 and I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with an ex, and I just lost it.  And I haven't been able to cry since.  

I know I am jumping all over the place, but have you ever just needed a really good hug, and there's no one there to give one?  I've felt like that all day.

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Hello, @xwaxpoeticx and welcome to these forums. Someone else said it eloquently, this is the correct place to be a mess. We all have reasons to be messes, although our reasons are different, but the result remains the same. I am for one so glad you have found this refuge to shelter in place from the brutal world. Please return often and mill around, you will happen upon lots of good advice and camraderie here from those who truly understand. Peace, new friend. 🕊👍✌️

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