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Summer896

45 Years of Depression

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I hope that doesn't depress people more - reading that title.

I am just in the pitts. I've been depressed since I was a little girl. Sometimes it gets better; sometimes it's awful, like this past year.

I am so so so so so so tired of feeling miserable. Why doesn't it ever go away? I'm way closer to the end of my life than the beginning. The whole time I've either been actively depressed or fighting it hard and crossing my fingers.

Why?

When does this end?

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12 minutes ago, Summer896 said:

I hope that doesn't depress people more - reading that title.

I am just in the pitts. I've been depressed since I was a little girl. Sometimes it gets better; sometimes it's awful, like this past year.

I am so so so so so so tired of feeling miserable. Why doesn't it ever go away? I'm way closer to the end of my life than the beginning. The whole time I've either been actively depressed or fighting it hard and crossing my fingers.

Why?

When does this end?

Similar story here, except I was a little boy instead of a little girl. I've had up and down times as well. Mostly down I guess. It *can* get better but I'm not sure how. Actually, I do know how but I can't advocate for the medication I use here.

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Oh man, I know where you are coming from. I am 44 years old - and I feel like my entire life has been a struggle. I was a strange child for various reasons, and this led to me being bullied for most of my elementary and junior high career. On top of which, my mother is something of a narcissist and her inability to help me and her lack of ability to validate my feelings made things worse. One of the worst things that I have ever heard is that to really be content, you have to get in touch with your authentic self. I call bullshit. If I ever had such a thing as an authentic self - it has long since been smashed into a million pieces and ground into the dirt. I just have to deal with the self that I have now - as damaged as it is and carry on. I don't have an answer to your question of "why?" All I can offer you is the knowledge that you are not alone, you are not the only one. Maybe that can offer you some comfort.

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Wow. Both of these replies REALLY resonate with me. Holy cow.

I was a weird child too, and my mother hated it. I too wonder who I actually am. I have no clue, I've been trying for four decades to be someone other people can like or at least understand. I don't even remember what my own voice sounds like anymore.

What I do remember is "being myself" and the torture I got for that.

This sounds like so much whining but it's simple fact...it's the way things have gone.

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I wanted to add that while I wish I could have simply been born normal and had a normal childhood, I definitely don't fall back on that as an excuse for my depression today. I took 100% control (or thought I did) of my own happiness once I became an adult and have been fighting all this ever since, in every single way I know how, from therapy to medication to foods.

Yet even that doesn't work. I sometimes wonder why I was born.

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I also ask that same question, when does it end?

I was also the sensitive girl, the one with only one friend at school, always scared and insecure of new people and places. 

I think I developed that from being the unloved daughter at home. My mother was never loving towards me, I never felt comfortable in her presence. Almost 40 years later and that is still the case. In fact I don't have any form of a relationship with her anymore and because she doesn't like me to have a relationship with my close family and feels jelous when I do have, I have decided to step away from them all together.

This really makes me depressed. To feel alone. Without a family. I wish it could be different. I wish I had a mother who could accept me for me. I have tried very hard to win her acceptance, but Nothing ever worked and someone else always did something better than me. (My mothers comments on anything I did well).

I think this is the biggest reason for my depression. But of course this experience boils over to every other part of my life. I'ts almost like a snowball effect.

Some days I just cry. Some days I feel better. At least my dogs think I'm a nice person and they truly give me some love and joy in life. 

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@Lilly333 - I wish that I had as much courage as you. I still have a sort of relationship with my mother. As a matter of fact I spent most of the day on Saturday with her and my sister. I did not leave feeling good at all. 

I have come to terms with the strangeness of my childhood. There were definetly good parts of it - but the result was that I did not really fit in with my peer group. Something that has helped me over the past few years is bonding with my siblings. We can laugh at the strangeness and comisitate at the craziness of our parents. Knowing that I am not the only one helped. 

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Jesus! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through this for so long. My biggest fear is that I’ll be lonely and miserable all my life, something tells me that I have to deal with this all my life. 

Ive had depression since I was young too, I’ve always felt insecure about myself, puberty definitely didn’t help.

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3 hours ago, Summer896 said:

I wanted to add that while I wish I could have simply been born normal and had a normal childhood, I definitely don't fall back on that as an excuse for my depression today. I took 100% control (or thought I did) of my own happiness once I became an adult and have been fighting all this ever since, in every single way I know how, from therapy to medication to foods.

Yet even that doesn't work. I sometimes wonder why I was born.

Same! It feels like I have to prove myself all the time because I feel like my existence is so pointelss

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2 hours ago, Lilly333 said:

I also ask that same question, when does it end?

I was also the sensitive girl, the one with only one friend at school, always scared and insecure of new people and places. 

I think I developed that from being the unloved daughter at home. My mother was never loving towards me, I never felt comfortable in her presence. Almost 40 years later and that is still the case. In fact I don't have any form of a relationship with her anymore and because she doesn't like me to have a relationship with my close family and feels jelous when I do have, I have decided to step away from them all together.

This really makes me depressed. To feel alone. Without a family. I wish it could be different. I wish I had a mother who could accept me for me. I have tried very hard to win her acceptance, but Nothing ever worked and someone else always did something better than me. (My mothers comments on anything I did well).

I think this is the biggest reason for my depression. But of course this experience boils over to every other part of my life. I'ts almost like a snowball effect.

Some days I just cry. Some days I feel better. At least my dogs think I'm a nice person and they truly give me some love and joy in life. 

It feels like my mother never wanted me, the things she did to me and still do is horrible. She manipulates me a and I fall for the same tricks all of the time. When she finds someone better she just goes away and then she comes knocking on my door so to speak when x person has left her, it’s so silly and mean at the same time.

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8 hours ago, Lilly333 said:

I also ask that same question, when does it end?

 

5 hours ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

My biggest fear is that I’ll be lonely and miserable all my life, something tells me that I have to deal with this all my life. 

 

8 hours ago, Summer896 said:

have been fighting all this ever since, in every single way I know how, from therapy to medication to foods.

Yet even that doesn't work.

I sometimes wonder why I was born.

A lot of common ground here... I hope we all can find some sort of answers. I'm at a loss myself, but won't give that up just yet.

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Funny thing is, my mother always told me that I am the one with All the problems... so I went to see a psychologist for about two years, every single week and as it was he knew everything that was deep inside my heart. I used to ask him if there is something wrong with me and if he thinks I need medication. He told me that there is nothing wrong with me and that in fact I am a very pleasant person with a lot of good qualities and that I don't need medication.

I decided that I needed medication anyway because sometimes the depression was just SO bad. 

So I was on and off medication for a few years until about 5 years ago when I went to see a new psychiatrist and he gave me antideprissants. One day during a consultation I asked him why he thinks that I am so depressed, because he also knew my life story after a few visits. And this is what he told me, he said that my depression is (circumstantial depression).

Meaning that there is nothing wrong with me and that there is a REASON why I feel this way. And that I am not the one with the problem (as my mother used to tell me).

This was just so profound for me to know. To realize that the person whom I trusted as a baby, as a child and even as an adult was wrong about me. Her perception about me is wrong. And it seems that even the professional people in this field has a different perception of me (as what my mother has).

And I have learnt that my mothers perception of me won't ever change. I still hope it does. 

But I don't depend on that anymore. I have come to terms with the fact that she doesn't like nor love me and that is ok.

I just miss the rest of my family. But they are all so intoxicated and indoctrinated by her and they now hold the same view of me as she does. 

But I still miss them. Especially my dad. I do miss him alot.

I am thankful for this community of people with whom I can share my story and feelings. 

 

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Another "weirdo" here. My parents tossed me into the hospital when I was seven years old for "tests". I was problematic as a kid. They put me into kindergarten a year early because I was supposedly smart enough. As a result, I was punier than the other guys so I regularly got beat up. Well that, and the fact I was/am such a geek. I have never fit in with the mainstream, which in some ways is a good thing. But it sure can be lonely.

 

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8 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Another "weirdo" here. My parents tossed me into the hospital when I was seven years old for "tests". I was problematic as a kid. They put me into kindergarten a year early because I was supposedly smart enough. As a result, I was punier than the other guys so I regularly got beat up. Well that, and the fact I was/am such a geek. I have never fit in with the mainstream, which in some ways is a good thing. But it sure can be lonely.

 

I felt just the same way! I was born 3 months early and had a hard time fitting in, I was truly a geek and was interested in stuff that my father wanted to show me (old stuff) which meant that I couldn’t relate to the things the other kids where watching or playing. It didn’t help that I had a weird ass surname. My father used to tell me that they where jealous of me, probably, but why? 

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There's a common thread here. Most or all of us (I have to re-read, my brain is kind of mush today) are saying we were weird and/or had parents with serious issues. 

I wonder if there's a neuro tie-in? Depression and being different socially? It doesn't necessarily sound like all of us are depressed BECAUSE we don't fit in, or at least initially that that wasn't the case. It feels like that now and we see evidence of it but many of us started out feeling different. Just from the very beginning.

I wonder?

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10 hours ago, JustAnotherSufferer said:

I felt just the same way! I was born 3 months early and had a hard time fitting in, I was truly a geek and was interested in stuff that my father wanted to show me (old stuff) which meant that I couldn’t relate to the things the other kids where watching or playing. It didn’t help that I had a weird ass surname. My father used to tell me that they where jealous of me, probably, but why? 

Wow. I'm a premie as well. 7 weeks early. I spent a lot of time in the incubator because of malformed lungs. They still plague me.

I enjoyed all of the old stuff my family shared with me as well. I still listen to old music and seek out old stuff.

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1 minute ago, JD4010 said:

Wow. I'm a premie as well. 7 weeks early. I spent a lot of time in the incubator because of malformed lungs. They still plague me.

I enjoyed all of the old stuff my family shared with me as well. I still listen to old music and seek out old stuff.

I’m surprised Imeven alive, I had to spend some time in a incubator as well. My mother has always denied that me being born too early has had any effect on me. Every time I mention that I was born that easy I always get shocked looks.

same! I listen to old music and old movies. Some of my favorite movies are from the 70s and I love 60s music. What’s your tastes in music and movies?

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1 hour ago, Summer896 said:

There's a common thread here. Most or all of us (I have to re-read, my brain is kind of mush today) are saying we were weird and/or had parents with serious issues. 

I wonder if there's a neuro tie-in? Depression and being different socially? It doesn't necessarily sound like all of us are depressed BECAUSE we don't fit in, or at least initially that that wasn't the case. It feels like that now and we see evidence of it but many of us started out feeling different. Just from the very beginning.

I wonder?

Yeah, you’re probably right. My father is exactly like me and understands me very well, the only problem is that he’s mentally abusive and drinks too much. He always says that his part of the family has always been like this.

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1 hour ago, desperateloser said:

If you're not poor and ugly, you've got a solution to all the negativities in your life. You deserve life, not me.

But how can this be true? Plus, there are lots of poor, ugly people. I'm not pretty and I'm aging, and although my husband makes money, I only manage about $500-600/month. That's not even groceries.

Why would only pretty people deserve life? I know some really awful pretty people and some really awful rich people. And great people who are rich...and the reverse...I can't say any one of these scenarios deserves life more than anyone else does. Do any of us deserve life, technically?

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30 minutes ago, Summer896 said:

But how can this be true? Plus, there are lots of poor, ugly people. I'm not pretty and I'm aging, and although my husband makes money, I only manage about $500-600/month. That's not even groceries.

Why would only pretty people deserve life? I know some really awful pretty people and some really awful rich people. And great people who are rich...and the reverse...I can't say any one of these scenarios deserves life more than anyone else does. Do any of us deserve life, technically?

If you are a beautiful looking person, the society will exclude you and value you. If you are ugly, society will consciously lead you to suicide. I'm sorry, but my eyes are open. This world is just for nice looking and rich people.

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On 3/18/2019 at 3:55 PM, JustAnotherSufferer said:

It feels like my mother never wanted me, the things she did to me and still do is horrible. She manipulates me a and I fall for the same tricks all of the time. When she finds someone better she just goes away and then she comes knocking on my door so to speak when x person has left her, it’s so silly and mean at the same time.

I can relate. My mother definitely didn't want me. She wanted another baby but she wanted it to be a normal baby. She didn't want this weird kid with no friends who cried too much.

She told me more than once, "You are the cancer of the family, and sometimes a cancer must be cut out in order to spare the healthy parts of the body." She told me, "If you were to have a tragic accident and die, even if they suspected me, all I'd have to do would be to quietly tell the police about you and they'd just dismiss the case. They'd say they felt sorry for me being your mother and they didn't know how I managed to hold back as long as I did."

A large part of what was "bad" about me was that I put up a fuss about my stepfather molesting me. She'd say, "if you don't like him touching you, then you don't like being touched, period, and that means you're frigid. 'Frigid' means you can't function sexually. Men leave women like that and then the women have nobody to take care of them and they starve." (She started telling me that when I was 11.)

My mother is dead now. Thank God.

 

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9 minutes ago, Summer896 said:

I can relate. My mother definitely didn't want me. She wanted another baby but she wanted it to be a normal baby. She didn't want this weird kid with no friends who cried too much.

She told me more than once, "You are the cancer of the family, and sometimes a cancer must be cut out in order to spare the healthy parts of the body." She told me, "If you were to have a tragic accident and die, even if they suspected me, all I'd have to do would be to quietly tell the police about you and they'd just dismiss the case. They'd say they felt sorry for me being your mother and they didn't know how I managed to hold back as long as I did."

A large part of what was "bad" about me was that I put up a fuss about my stepfather molesting me. She'd say, "if you don't like him touching you, then you don't like being touched, period, and that means you're frigid. 'Frigid' means you can't function sexually. Men leave women like that and then the women have nobody to take care of them and they starve." (She started telling me that when I was 11.)

My mother is dead now. Thank God.

 

Yeah, Thank God! She sounds like the devil himself, I’m sorry you had to deal with such an awful mother. My mother abused me mentally and pushed me down all the time, she basically left me in some weird ass place that provides night care for kids. She probably hates me because I remind her of my father or something, or she’s just a bitch.

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3 hours ago, Summer896 said:

I can relate. My mother definitely didn't want me. She wanted another baby but she wanted it to be a normal baby. She didn't want this weird kid with no friends who cried too much.

She told me more than once, "You are the cancer of the family, and sometimes a cancer must be cut out in order to spare the healthy parts of the body." She told me, "If you were to have a tragic accident and die, even if they suspected me, all I'd have to do would be to quietly tell the police about you and they'd just dismiss the case. They'd say they felt sorry for me being your mother and they didn't know how I managed to hold back as long as I did."

A large part of what was "bad" about me was that I put up a fuss about my stepfather molesting me. She'd say, "if you don't like him touching you, then you don't like being touched, period, and that means you're frigid. 'Frigid' means you can't function sexually. Men leave women like that and then the women have nobody to take care of them and they starve." (She started telling me that when I was 11.)

My mother is dead now. Thank God.

 

I am speechless. It sounds more like your mother was evil than you were "weird."

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