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Firing my T?


MarkintheDark

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1 hour ago, SqueezeWax said:

I even wrote him a lengthy, unsigned e-mail a few weeks ago that I ended up not sending describing how difficult the experience was. He probably would of figgered I was simply attention seeking.

Y'know, I don't think there's any "right way" to do it.  In all my run on sentences, I haven't mentioned I spent much of the past week googling "how to break up with your therapist."  Oh, the articles give a few examples, but, as you and I know particularly well, the relationships with our Ts can be complicated.

About the best advice I had was from @sober4life.  I like it b/c she tends to cut to the heart of things quickly.  In short, if I felt I couldn't trust him, it was time to dump him.  And I've been monitoring my reaction the past 12 hours.  Primarily it's been relief and a significant drop in my anxiety.

I've also almost concluded, since you and I discussed the nature of this relationship, that it's a lot like breaking up, say, with a boyfriend simply b/c I'd trusted him with intimate details of my life and felt he betrayed me.  The speed of it, too, has thrown me off.  A few weeks ago I gave him a hug when I left...and I'm NOT a hugger.  Took me months to be able to do that, when I'd come out of the hospital last fall.  Now it's like we're complete strangers.  I feel like I didn't know him at all.  My typical long-winded way of saying that this has elements more in common with a boyfriend breakup, despite having no attraction to him in that way.

Frankly, I also don't know if I'd be handling this, ah, reasonably well if I didn't have all my DF buddies.  Y'all have no idea....

Edited by MarkintheDark
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I'm very proud of you and I'm glad you handled things so well.  I'm glad you're feeling better and things are over.  My answer I'm not sure I would have been able to do it that way.  I felt it was the best way at the time but that was one of my manic days where I felt extra tough.  I probably would have done things the way you did to be honest.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I felt it was the best way at the time

That speaks volumes, imo.  Probably something on which I'll have to latch as I go thru "buyer's remorse"...well, ok, second-guessing myself.

Interesting I haven't given a lot of thought to the pdoc appt in the morning.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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Mark --

These are phone sessions, yes?  Are they monitored, the way our posts are monitored here?  (I know DF isn't a professional site.)  Maybe he's been required in some large or minimal capacity to report on his cases and trickle down some foolish and/or damaging new rules in order for the organization to cover its ass for whatever reason(s) (i.e., funding, etc.).

It's been my experience that therapists, too, experience transferance and countertransferance and your leaving the relationship may be a good thing, or it may be the same response you've had in similar, past non-therapeutic relationships.  And isn't it true that in some schools of therapy (Cognitive Behavioral, for instance) the goal is to be able to recognize our debilitating behaviors and change them?  Yes, you may (and hopefully will) feel vindicated by dropping him and looking elsewhere for help, and I want that for you if you feel it is best.  This thing requires kaleidoscope vision, and you seem to have that. 

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10 minutes ago, womanofthelight said:

This thing requires kaleidoscope vision, and you seem to have that. 

Only b/c I'm a child of the 60s :mad1:

These were office sessions, but when I got sick last fall he encouraged me to use phone sessions as needed.  This case was a little different.  I was deliberately distancing myself from him.  Though he's not an intern, he does consult with his boss.  I don't see that it would be particularly useful to go over his head.  I have my pdoc tomorrow, same office, and I'm leading off with the breakup.  That's enough for me right now.  Heck, it may even confirm the experience of others with this T.

If you and I are talking about transference, I guess that makes us a couple of vets, huh?  During the couple weeks I had to digest this, that was one thing foremost on my mind.  The rift came about b/c I'd just days earlier dumped a PCP who'd blindsided me by being dismissive and adversarial on a particularly personal medical issue.  The similarities were immediately obvious to me.  They made me uncomfortable.  That's one reason I laid it all out here on DF.  I know I can get some solid, experienced outside opinions/insights like yours.  And, yeah, I'm acutely aware it's most definitely similar to other rifts I've had.

In examining them, I noticed a delineation.  Some behaviors were so egregious there was no question I had to cut someone off immediately.  In one case, my friends rallied to me for having a pair.  The other side is that other times when I attempted reconciliation, the person didn't respond or, worse, as with the T, doubled down.

One assertion the T had at the time was that I was lonely b/c I cut people off.  In hindsight, I think he was grabbing at straws.  IF I'm lonely, it's because of depression and the weight of having to put on a face to cope socially.  Otherwise, as it's been most of my life, I prefer the solitude and quiet of my own company.

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Jus' a quickie that it went well with the pdoc, despite little change on the dosages.  He's low key and wants to move cautiously, taking into account that, heck, I'm at least well enough to consistently show up for all my appointments and that I'm particularly good at advocating for my own medical care.

I approached the T matter cautiously, as I told him, treading carefully b/c he was his colleague.  He said no worries, tell him as much as I felt comfortable sharing.

I had the distinct impression I'd be vindicated, that my pdoc was concerned - given the timing - my T's actions may have exacerbated my depression and anxiety.  He agreed with me on discernment and that a T should have a good handle on whether or not a client really poses a hazard to someone else.  My sense was he was surprised the T had doubled down on the threat "to tell" while ignoring the gestures I'd made towards reconciliation.  He indicated perhaps that was something he should address and review with the rest of the mental health staff.

As an aside, the ex-T was just behind the check-in staff, saw me and quickly turned away.  Interesting that his presence didn't bother me in the least.  Having faced this kinda situation in the past, it was refreshing NOT to be the one ill at ease.  Nice end to a lousy couple of weeks.

Edited by MarkintheDark
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