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DeltaHeavy

I have no friends and I just want to die.

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On 7 March 2019 at 10:21 AM, DeltaHeavy said:

I can't take my own life, I don’t have it in me, but I also don't want to live anymore and it's destroying me.

There's nothing good in my life and I feel as though I'm nothing but a drain and burden on the few people in my life. Some of the people in my life even tell me that I'm a waste of space, thus providing me with more validation that I just don't belong in this world.

I have so many mental, physical and social problems, I've just had enough.

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for many years, even longer than I initially thought as I just didn't realise at a younger age that it was depression that I was experiencing.

My childhood was friendless and traumatic due to bullying and a few humiliating situations I ended up in, which caused me to hide away and avoid people and eventually as a teen I turned to marijuana to allow me to escape reality and temporarily at times be rid of the feelings of depression.

Over the years I've learnt that It's not just depression and anxiety that I suffer from, but something more. (I believe it to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

I feel I have no identity and therefore no self-esteem and I spend much time disassociating, I engage in reckless behaviour, I also spend quite some time contemplating harming myself again (I haven’t actually harmed myself for a little while though). I hate pretty much everything about myself, in particular how I look, to the point that I can't even look in a mirror and I absolutely hate it when people try to take photos of me.

I hate life and humanity in general so much, I seem to feel everything so intensely and I can't stand it. I just don't want to be in this cruel world where nothing is fair and where there is far more evil than good.

I'm so sick of struggling to survive and getting nothing in return other than feelings of resentment, anger, disappointment, emptiness, detachment etc. I just don't see the point trying to survive in a world where I feel so unwanted and don't want to be.

Over the past ten years I've tried getting help through the doctors and I've been on several different medications and none of them have helped. I've been sent for CBT, which hasn't helped in the slightest and now I just feel like a lost cause and that I'm just waiting for the end to come. The painful thing is not knowing when the end will be. Every night I go to sleep hoping that I will not wake the next morning, but when I do, all I can think is "well, I'm another day closer to the end, better luck tomorrow".

To make things worse, about three years ago I suffered some nerve damage and I've been in nappies since then as I can no longer hold my bladder for any sustained period and I already had an over-active bladder and was visiting the toilet literally every ten minutes and now I really don't want to make any friends as I don't want to suffer the embarrassment of having an accident and having to explain that I must wear  nappies or explaining my depression. I just can't see the benefits over the disadvantages of making 'friends' that could potentially, but un-intentionally hurt or abandon me, as I just can't cope with the feelings of hurt or humiliation due to how intensely I feel things and I'd rather protect myself from it all by staying away from people. I also don't want to put the burden of my problems onto someone else, as I feel that would not be fair on them, but at the same time I feel so alone and that all I need are some friends to help support me and the contradiction of this is crippling.

I just wish someone could get on and put me out of my misery and end it all.

I understand how it feels to be in that position - to want to die, but to be completely and utterly unable to do anything about it. It's absolute hell on earth. 

1. Those people in your life that tell you your a waste of space need to go. They are toxic. Better to be lonely than to be around people like that. You should cut them of for your own well-being.

2. Every one of us has an intrinsic value that we are born with. And every one of us has a right to be on this earth, just as much as anyone else. You are not less than, just because other people tell you you are. 

No one has the right to deem how valuable a person is. That self value you want to feel, comes from you. However I understand that when in 'the dark pit' it's impossible to feel any positivity towards yourself and towards life. 

I read that you've tried several different medications, have you had a proper diagnosis of your illness ?. Maybe as you said earlier you should be diagnosed with BPD instead. 

The only other advice I can offer you is talking therapy, I started it this year and (although it's a slow process) it's helped me change my perspective on things a lot. 

The last thing I have to say is.. your suffering from an illness, and illnesses can be cured through treatment. I know how hopeless it feels. But you probably just haven't found the right treatment for you yet. I promise, life without depression is worth living. It's worth getting through this hell hole. So keep fighting, and keep looking for that treatment that will help you. 

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Thank you everyone for your responses so far and I'm sorry I don't get to come on here as often as I'd like to. Although I've not made much progress with any of my problems, it is nice to know that there are people out there who seem to have an understanding of how I feel and that in itself provides me with comfort and I find myself longing for another reply. It does also make me feel quite sad to realise how many people feel so awful and I hope we all manage to find some kind of peace in life.

 

Hi Raven Wolf,

That makes so much sense and I can confirm that it certainly isn't a gift to be an empath. I can see why those that are in the middle of the spectrum would think of it as a gift and see empaths as special people who care about everything and everyone and think that it's lovely and a gift, but for me, I can't even drive past a piece of roadkill without shedding a tear thinking about what was passing through the animal's mind in the last few split seconds of it's life and how scared it must have been etc, its horrible and it seems to dictate and rule my so called 'life'. Everything I do leaves me feeling guilty and I appologise for things that aren't even my fault and in the situation of seeing roadkill, I feel as though there should have been something that I could have done and in some way it's my fault. I suppose to an outsider, this would seem almost laughable, I mean how could it possibly be my fault? but I just can't help feeling like this. The counselor I'm currently seeing asked me in my last session, what it is that I actually want to achieve from our sessions and I think what I want, is to learn how to overcome this fear of letting people in and learning to take the risk of trusting in people. Ultimately I would love to no longer feel alone in this world, maybe even feel loved and feel capable of loving, but until I can learn to take the risk of letting people into my life I don't think much would change on this front. Unfortunately this is very hard for me to overcome, especially when I spent most of my life feeling like this and then put my trust in someone a few years back, who then eventually broke that trust, let me down and left me feeling abandoned and like I should have never taken the leap of faith in putting my trust in them. I really hope I can change things as I don't think I can go on feeling like this, as even this is making me feel guilty for feeling like this. Aaaaargh it just wont stop!!!!

 

Hi Snow47,

I can really relate, I always try to avoid going anywhere that may potentially be filled with people as I just can't cope. Unfortunately at times, it's just not possible to avoid some of these situations and the experience is awful, to the point of having panic attacks etc and the first thing I always do in these situations is look for the exits! I feel that I haven't belonged anywhere for several years now, including my 'home',  which I now refer to as "The place where my bed is" as it hasn't felt like a home to me for a long time. 

 

Hi JustAnotherSufferer,

I know what you mean, it seems that no matter what I do there's always someone making me feel shit for it, it doesn't seem to matter what it is, I can do something and think I've done something really kind for someone, for them to just say "Why have you done that? I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself!", or "Why have you done that, it's all wrong and I'll have to re-do it myself!". These responses to me can leave me ruminating for days, even weeks and it's awful to the point that it makes me feel like harming myself because my self esteem is so low.

 

Hi Sober4life,

I can really relate and I'm sorry to hear you also have no friends, feel that you should be a better person and feel unlovable, but I'm sure you are a good and very lovable person (just being here trying to help people like me makes you a good person in my eyes and someone deserving of being loved), but I also think in a way we are all 'freaks' and that's what helps to make us individuals. I think the world would be even worse than it already is if there weren't 'freaks', so I actually want to thank you for making my world that bit more bearable where we can be freaks together.

 

Hi Epictetus,

Thanks for asking, but to be honest I've not been that great recently. Many of my problems at the moment appear to stem from my living situation, which unfortunately due to circumstances I can't really do much about right now, but I have future plans to make changes on this front, so for now I just have to try and bear it. I've been regularly attending counselling sessions and it seems to be helping a little so far, so I'm hoping that it continues this way and that the other problems in my so called life become a bit better, but I'll keep you all posted on this.

 

Hi Floor2017,

Thanks for asking, it's nice that this many people seem genuinely concerned about me after feeling so alone for so long. To be honest I don't really have 'good' days, just days that aren't as bad as others, but even these 'good' days I spend masking my problems for the people I have to interact with and still spend the day wishing I wasn't here. Maybe one day I will have a proper good day and I'll be sure to let you know if/when this happens.

 

Hi Soarsie18,

Thanks so much for your post, I must say that the counselling I'm currently attending does seem quite positive so far and I'm really hoping it continues this way and does help me. Unfortunately due to my current circumstances it's not quite that easy to cut these people out of my life, but I do have plans to do so in the future and I'm looking forward to that day so much. I've not had an official diagnosis and all the mental health 'professionals' that I've seen, when I say that I'm trying to get a diagnosis, they have all responded with "Oh, I don't diagnose", but I do strongly believe it is BPD. I'm happy to continue to see the counselor that I'm currently seeing for now and hopefully I'll get to the point of not feeling like I just want to die, but as with everything, this is going to take time, patience and perseverance.

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On 4/7/2019 at 12:53 PM, Floor2017 said:

 

Well, I hope that everything is well with you today Delta Heavy

Thanks my friend and I’m off to a good day and I hope the same for all of you 

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2 hours ago, DeltaHeavy said:

Hi Soarsie18,

Thanks so much for your post, I must say that the counselling I'm currently attending does seem quite positive so far and I'm really hoping it continues this way and does help me. Unfortunately due to my current circumstances it's not quite that easy to cut these people out of my life, but I do have plans to do so in the future and I'm looking forward to that day so much. I've not had an official diagnosis and all the mental health 'professionals' that I've seen, when I say that I'm trying to get a diagnosis, they have all responded with "Oh, I don't diagnose", but I do strongly believe it is BPD. I'm happy to continue to see the counselor that I'm currently seeing for now and hopefully I'll get to the point of not feeling like I just want to die, but as with everything, this is going to take time, patience and perseverance.

I'm so glad that counselling is working out for you. It can be so hard to find a councillor that you click with, so thats really good and positive !

And the fact that you feel that early on in your treatment is really good too, things are bound to get better with time X

I get that it's hard cutting people out of your life, I unfortunately am in a similar situation myself. The best I can do is try and avoid those people as much as possible, and spend lots of time around other people that make me feel happy - to balance the negative out. Find people that make you feel good and confident. Even if you'r not able to open up to them about the bad things. It' still good just to have company, and someone to talk to. 

Yeah i'm not surprised about the diagnosis. It's hard to get any help these days. Unless it's a straightforward diagnosis and you're able to pay for it. It's not fair. It's good that you have some understanding of what's wrong though. And I'm also really happy to see that your positive about getting better. That's a really good sign - you will get there I believe in you. 

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