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DeltaHeavy

I have no friends and I just want to die.

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I can't take my own life, I don’t have it in me, but I also don't want to live anymore and it's destroying me.

There's nothing good in my life and I feel as though I'm nothing but a drain and burden on the few people in my life. Some of the people in my life even tell me that I'm a waste of space, thus providing me with more validation that I just don't belong in this world.

I have so many mental, physical and social problems, I've just had enough.

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for many years, even longer than I initially thought as I just didn't realise at a younger age that it was depression that I was experiencing.

My childhood was friendless and traumatic due to bullying and a few humiliating situations I ended up in, which caused me to hide away and avoid people and eventually as a teen I turned to marijuana to allow me to escape reality and temporarily at times be rid of the feelings of depression.

Over the years I've learnt that It's not just depression and anxiety that I suffer from, but something more. (I believe it to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

I feel I have no identity and therefore no self-esteem and I spend much time disassociating, I engage in reckless behaviour, I also spend quite some time contemplating harming myself again (I haven’t actually harmed myself for a little while though). I hate pretty much everything about myself, in particular how I look, to the point that I can't even look in a mirror and I absolutely hate it when people try to take photos of me.

I hate life and humanity in general so much, I seem to feel everything so intensely and I can't stand it. I just don't want to be in this cruel world where nothing is fair and where there is far more evil than good.

I'm so sick of struggling to survive and getting nothing in return other than feelings of resentment, anger, disappointment, emptiness, detachment etc. I just don't see the point trying to survive in a world where I feel so unwanted and don't want to be.

Over the past ten years I've tried getting help through the doctors and I've been on several different medications and none of them have helped. I've been sent for CBT, which hasn't helped in the slightest and now I just feel like a lost cause and that I'm just waiting for the end to come. The painful thing is not knowing when the end will be. Every night I go to sleep hoping that I will not wake the next morning, but when I do, all I can think is "well, I'm another day closer to the end, better luck tomorrow".

To make things worse, about three years ago I suffered some nerve damage and I've been in nappies since then as I can no longer hold my bladder for any sustained period and I already had an over-active bladder and was visiting the toilet literally every ten minutes and now I really don't want to make any friends as I don't want to suffer the embarrassment of having an accident and having to explain that I must wear  nappies or explaining my depression. I just can't see the benefits over the disadvantages of making 'friends' that could potentially, but un-intentionally hurt or abandon me, as I just can't cope with the feelings of hurt or humiliation due to how intensely I feel things and I'd rather protect myself from it all by staying away from people. I also don't want to put the burden of my problems onto someone else, as I feel that would not be fair on them, but at the same time I feel so alone and that all I need are some friends to help support me and the contradiction of this is crippling.

I just wish someone could get on and put me out of my misery and end it all.

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Hi, thank you for taking those hard first steps and registering and posting. 

I'm so sorry that you feel this way, I know you may not feel it at the minute but you are special and I wish you all the best for now and the future.

Regarding the Bladder issues, have you looked into/considered a Urinary Stoma? Is that a possibility you could look into? 

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Hi Ratvan,

Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it.

To be honest, I've only recently been seeing a urologist about it all as it took me a while to speak to the doctor about it in the first place due to the embarrassment and anxiety. I finally managed to get a referral to a urologist but then had to wait quite some time for an appointment. So far I've had a CAT scan on my kidneys and a cystoscopy, both of which have shown no issues and I am currently waiting for another appointment with the urologist to see what the next steps are, but I will see what he says about a stoma.

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Welcome, you will have friends here to support you and encourage you. You will be surprised to know that you are not alone, and for all the various physical symptoms we are here not to judge you but offer guidance. Virtual friends are not the same but maybe could be ideal for you right now whilst you  try to rebuild some small pieces of your life so you can grow again from there.

 

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Hi Extremebeginner,

Thanks for the welcome.

Any support or encouragement is very welcomed right now, as I feel I'm in such a dark place in life. 

Virtual friends/ real friends, I currently have none, so any would be a good start, the problem is that I don't like myself, so I can't understand how or why anyone else would like me, especially when I feel I have no identity, what is there to like?

 

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Welcome!

I can tell by your writing that you are very intelligent. I have felt many similar feelings as you in regards to humanity, life, and the world we share. As someone with deeper thoughts and feelings, your observations do not meet your expectations -- even your self-image falls short. I'm so sorry you going through this. I hope you find your mental state of this existence where you can feel content in acceptance. You are special and you have friends here.

 

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Perhaps the first step to liking oneself is to declare a temporary truce with yourself.

A truce can always be extended with the goal of an eventual peace treaty.

We don't give up on our forum members so please don't give up on yourself.

Personally I am a big believer and advocate for self help with metaphors.

Keep posting and check out some other posts.

You can unload your concerns here because we have all  through hell and we can take it.

Oscar

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Well said, we dont give up on forum members, so dont give up on yourself!.

Delta Heavy, we don’t judge what you think is wrong with yourself either, the friendships on here, are trying to help each other. Often when we talk about other situations we see ourselves and can actually self help. For me helping somebody in any small way is important, it guves me positive feedback, so your thanks are sincerely appreciated by me.

 

 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Oscar K said:

Perhaps the first step to liking oneself is to declare a temporary truce with yourself.

A truce can always be extended with the goal of an eventual peace treaty.

We don't give up on our forum members so please don't give up on yourself.

Personally I am a big believer and advocate for self help with metaphors.

Keep posting and check out some other posts.

You can unload your concerns here because we have all  through hell and we can take it.

Oscar

 

This. Especially this! I've been through several attempts at my own life too and can definitely agree that this was a major part in my recovery.

I had to let myself feel bad, separating feelings of guilt and shame for doing so, dividing and conquering. Self-hate is okay to let yourself go through. Let it happen and run its course, acceptance of one's feelings bears one's attention and focus to them for insight.

If you like self-help books, my favorite one so far has been "The Language of Emotions" by Karla McLauren (sp?). It uses metaphor too! Anyways, cheers and best of wishes 🙂 !

 

Edited by OtherKin
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1 hour ago, OtherKin said:

 

This. Especially this! I've been through several attempts at my own life too and can definitely agree that this was a major part in my recovery.

I had to let myself feel bad, separating feelings of guilt and shame for doing so, dividing and conquering. Self-hate is okay to let yourself go through. Let it happen and run its course, acceptance of one's feelings bears one's attention and focus to them for insight.

If you like self-help books, my favorite one so far has been "The Language of Emotions" by Karla McLauren (sp?). It uses metaphor too! Anyways, cheers and best of wishes 🙂 !

 

In Japan when something of sentimental value is broken it is repaired with gold. The flaw now makes that object unique and of more value. Its beauty is amplified and celebrated. Like @OtherKin I'm starting to use this as how to cope when something has gone amiss. 

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Thanks all for your messages of support.

It is nice to know that there is still some kindness in humanity and some decent people out there.

I found out today that my doctor had actually referred me to another counselor and they have just offered me an appointment for two weeks from now.

Hopefully they can help and not just offer me CBT as I've been worried I may end up getting sectioned due to becoming a risk to myself with the thoughts of harming. I suppose time will tell.

Thanks for the referral of "The Language of Emotions" OtherKin, I'll see if I can get hold of a copy of this.

 

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There is some good stuff available on YouTube as well, For guided meditation which can help divert your attention for a few minutes....

one of my favourites is The Anxiety Guy, which is strange because I prefer the calming voice of a woman in most cases, but this YouTube channel has a lot of really good, some short, some long, guided stuff...... close your eyes and escape for 10 seconds or minutes.... helps me if I get into crisis level anxiety or other uneasiness.

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Hi DeltaHeavy,

    Somehow I missed seeing your post yesterday.  I'm so very, very sorry that you are suffering.  It is so awful and so tragic what you are enduring and my heart really goes out to you.  You express so beautifully so many things I have experienced or am experiencing.  Thank you for posting what you did.  It helps me feel less alone with my own personal grief and anguish and that is no only a healing gift, but a life saving gift.  Thank you so much.  I hope that we here on the Forums can be as helpful to you as you have been to us.  Depression is so brutal ! ! !   - epictetus

    

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Hello Delta Heavy, welcome to DF! I am so sorry you are suffering. We care very deeply for your plight because by varying degrees, you represent us all. Your honesty is so courageous; putting all your troubles here is a very brave and cleansing first step. Go easy on yourself, as you are already overcoming things I couldn't imagine dealing with. Your "friends" who tell you that you are a waste of space should be flogged in the public square. Those types of people suck the life out of everything around them like vampires. If you can and are able, sever all contact with them, or at least greatly reduce your contact with those types. Positive self-talk is another good place to start, as there are lots of decent videos on YouTube in this category. Please return here often, as your continued perseverence brings hope to us and to yourself, whether you realize it or not. Peace, new friend. 🕊🦋🌷 

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Hi All,

Sorry I've not posted recently, I've just been so busy with work and home life that I've just not had the time. I suppose in a way, this has been good as it's helped to keep my mind occupied, but anyway I had my first new counselling session today.....

The anxiety leading to the appointment has been awful, I think mainly because I've been worried that it would be a waste of time due to previous experiences with counselling and being offered no help other than CBT. ( I don't have anything against CBT, but in my present mental state it's not what I need and when that's all I'm offered it just ends up frustrating and angering me.)  Thankfully although the counselor mentioned that I could have CBT, she also said that if I felt that it wasn't what I needed, then I didn't have to go through it. This lifted some of my anxiety, which was nice until after discussing my problems briefly she's decided she wants to look more at the route causes of everything. This has now left me worried not only about re-living the traumatic experiences from my past, but also what else may surface, along side the problems I have talking to people about anything, let alone my personal problems/issues. The counselor does seem to want to help me, but as I don't ever talk to anyone about my problems, I struggle to articulate the way I feel, get frustrated with myself wishing I knew how to explain it all and then end up feeling like an idiot. When I'm in situations where I have to talk to people, I can't deal with being or feeling like the center of attention, so I always turn the spotlight on them, but I can't do this with counselling and I think this is why I struggle to talk about anything, but I don't know how to get past the horrible feeling I get when I feel like the center of attention. (This is partly why I don't celebrate my birthday.)

Anyway, I have another session next week, so I'll see how that goes, but If anyone else has this problem with attention any advice on how to try and overcome it would be appreciated?

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DeltaHeavy,

Your post really resonates with me. Thank you for sharing. 

On 3/7/2019 at 3:21 AM, DeltaHeavy said:

I hate life and humanity in general so much, I seem to feel everything so intensely and I can't stand it. I just don't want to be in this cruel world where nothing is fair and where there is far more evil than good.

I think this is one of the main causes of depression related to empaths. It is a new age term to say you are an "empath" but there is a lot of science behind it. Mainly, people that can intensely feel the pain of the world are born with more mirror neurons. This means that we feel everything! The opposite, a narcissist or sociopath, for example, are born with a deficiency of mirror neurons making them unable to feel others, thus they are capable of doing horrible things without being affected. The new age world will tell you that it is a "gift" but really!? It sure doesn't feel like a gift. The problem is that humanity is in a state of great suffering and us feelers get to feel all of that. Yipee! 

I believe this is also the cause of the intense fear of being hurt we feel. With this "gift" we are capable of feeling states of love very intensely but as the scales balance the hurt that comes with the loss of such states can be very intensely felt, more than what most people feel. 

Another paradox about being an empath is that we have a very hard time being alone and at the same time we are very cautious about who we let in, fearing the pain of being hurt and find it difficult for us to be out in a world where we feel everything. This is where the virtual world can be helpful. I hope you can find comfort through the great virtual outlets available. 

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Hi DeltaHeavy, I want to be your friend. I understand your feeling about  life and humanity. when i go to somewhere crowded i feel really awful.I wasn't like that. these people make me crazy. yesterday  I went to a Imam Zadeh(it;s a very crowded place) and I just feel i didn't belong there. I just wanted to get back to my bed and cry.

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