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OtherKin

Somtimes I don't understand why I'm here. Maybe I'm a nihilist.

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Greetings everyone, I have been through much "self-help" mostly in the realm of spirituality, but with a good deal of balance in psychology. I try to make these wonderful source of knowledge, truth, and wisdom a part of me as best as I can when it seems my brain has no problem "remembering" scars in what seems to be an uphill battle. Hardly fair I say. Its like reading the magic words and then forgetting them, over and over again because they don't stick like years of trauma and dysfunction. I have suffered mainly emotional abuse and trauma growing up, and then again with mental illness. I have multiple mental illnesses: High Functioning Autism, Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar disorder, dissociative disorders, and plenty sexual ****ed-up ness that causes daily coping struggles as well. Things aren't bad for me all the time, I alternate between joy and happiness and a deep, dark side filled with self-hate. Here's that...

Being here even now, I feel like a space alien when around others. I grew up suffering because of this. I didn't know how I was supposed to behave or feel or think or be in order to be accepted by others. I didn't know how I worked, but my peers and teachers seemed to understand and take advantage of this. Now that I have an idea of my part in where I went wrong (being too self-absorbed), I'm pissed about having went through all that as though this were part of my life plan and there is Goodness in it. I'm pissed that I'm at least somewhat at fault for what I've been through. I know there is a personal decision for everyone to make in life at some time to reach a point of "maturity," "grown-up'ness" or "awakening" - a loss of innocence when we accept the real world. There is us, there is creation, and we're a part of that somehow - the good and the bad. Creation is messy and fraught with chaos, and trauma is a given fact of life. Trauma itself is said to not be bad but to be a tool for growth. So far, the system of "time and death" as Carl Sagan put it has been a success I'm sure with how far evolution has progressed here on Earth the beauty therein within the tree of life and each of us. The thing is, and I've always been this way, is that there are a couple of things I really, really hate about this state of affairs. First, it ****ing hurts and fighting it makes it hurt worse. Second, being under the thumb of authority for "something I didn't sign up for."  Why I was created the way I was I don't know - why I wasn't created like everyone else who accepts this state of affairs I don't know, I believe what I believe. Since I am the way I am, I'm super curious about hating my Creator sometimes.

How many times in my life I have been to the point of suicide without the courage to go through with it because I didn't have a painless means of death. Oh the frustration at the FDA... I am bitterly defiant of those times in my life where I cursed God for life and yet I am forced to be here. I have had good times that I've thoroughly enjoyed, but I hold grudges for being forced to be here. Nobody needs to tell me (unless it needs to be re-stated of course) that this is about as cry-baby as things get. To date I have not found the mental gymnastics or mindfulness necessary to get out of this thought trap besides those who say, "[So, this is your story?]. Admit your faults and grow up." Well screw that because.... I am of the mindset that I will never truly thank, never truly forgive, for the insults to my ego and pride as a human being for having to experience pain of many types from the vantage point of someone who was born to vehemently hate it. My research leads me to this "ego" being the problem but I can't seem to understand the concept well enough to tackle it.

But anyways, so, to recover I have to want to recover, right? This is the way I picture my life. If my life were a new car, at the first scratch from an unattended shopping cart I would have flown into an apoplectic tantrum, the pedestrian responsible would laugh and run off without a care in the world because of my reaction but without my knowledge that was the case, and this would repeat itself until, as the driver of the car, I move from my innocent and perfect loving self to road rage. Now, at this point, there is some wear and tear. Lots of it actually, a lot more than there should be because of my bad driving and nobody really offering to help. Now, here I am with a beat-up car that has irreplaceable parts and a team of mechanics willing to make repairs to make it get from point A to point B, perhaps with a turbo-charged engine and other nice features. Thing is, I'd much rather burn the car with fire and come back with a new one and THEN ask the mechanics to make it better. Looking back in a moment of reflection, it was never actually the car that I hated but the driver. What a nice thing it is to see others happy in their beat-up cars, what's their secret I wonder. Summing up, if my life were a CD that got scratched, I would throw it at the wall and shatter it - especially if it were of my own carelessness that got it scratched in the first place.

 

I will gladly give more information about myself but the above pretty much sums up the crux of my hangup in a nutshell. In a couple of questions, it would be "What is the secret to your acceptance of all things pain?" "How do people like me tick and how do people who get along fine tick?" Thanks in advance for any support and nice to meet everyone :) .

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I can relate to much of what you say. The questioning, the defiance, the frustration, the nihilism. Feeling trapped and tested by the forces that be. It's funny that I've cursed a god that I dont believe exists. I've been studying and practicing a secular buddhism and meditation for 4 years now. Its helped me accept the trauma and suffering that inevitably comes in life. It's still hard work. It's no magic pill. (Not trying to proselytize!) I like your car analogy. I'm new here. Others here will soon respond with hopeful messages. Just wanted to acknowledge you with a response. Hope you can find peace soon!

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Hi OtherKin,

     Welcome to the Forums.  Your post was very interesting and profound.  You are a philosopher at heart.   I was a philosophy and theology teacher and so your post was very interesting to me personally.  At the same time, I am very, very sorry you are suffering.  I hope you will get many responses to your very poignant post and I look forward to reading anything else you post here on the Forums.    - epictetus

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Hi BillyC and Epictetus, thank you very much for the warm welcome 🙂. I love Buddhist concepts of mindfulness and could definitely use some more in-depth study on the Eastern views of spirituality in general.

I'm currently experimenting with NDE research myself. I had a flight of fancy with New Age stuff (while trying to avoid it and only finding it by another name), but I'm still quite hopeful that one day I will understand to a degree the nature of reincarnation and how I ended up here as me. I've tried many times with some success to accept what I thought was true at the time about reality or myself, only to find I had somehow managed to accept an imperfect illusion of an even greater and more beautiful truth, which makes such an epiphany all the more succulent.

Not so with the above issue so far, though, which is coming more to the surface now as I've done my meditations. Its just as you say, there's no magic pill.  I wouldn't mind making the effort to  make happen what I want to happen (a new car and a new driver) if it wasn't for all the suffering that seems unnecessary to have gotten to this very moment now. I feel the frustration that, in metaphor, the Universe's way of teaching me to grow up was to effectively repeatedly beat me over and over with the same thing that made me cry in the first place until I relent (under now even greater odds than before), and then I get this warm-fuzzy feeling from the body Mother Nature gave me that things are all right now, for now, as though its love were as conditional as black and white - that the body can mean freedom or be a prison. Its beautiful when the system works for you, but when it doesn't then who would blame one for not wanting any part in it? I do not know what to think when I see the yin-yang sign, that every rose has its thorn, other than contempt rather than forgiveness.

Part of this isn't metaphor, I had a grandmother who was very much like this to me in my childhood. She would force me to punish myself, usually with hot peppers, then give me milk and warm hugs right after. Insanity... She lured me from my own mother and turned me against her in hate - my own mother. I can only hope that dealing with the issues I have now can be rooted in overcoming what I faced in here as a human being rather than some grand cosmic notion of angst that's far bigger than me.

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8 minutes ago, Epictetus said:

Hi OtherKin,

     Welcome to the Forums.  Your post was very interesting and profound.  You are a philosopher at heart.   I was a philosophy and theology teacher and so your post was very interesting to me personally.  At the same time, I am very, very sorry you are suffering.  I hope you will get many responses to your very poignant post and I look forward to reading anything else you post here on the Forums.    - epictetus

That's great to know, I hope to walk that path one day! Perhaps seminary / philosophy would have a place for me then 🙂 .

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Welcome new friend to our forum family.

You mentioned metaphors and I am maybe the world's biggest believer in the healing power of metaphors.

Sometimes I call them : MEDaphors.

I use a cave metaphor with all the associated implications to help me strategize a way out of the deep depression darkness.

Anyway I hope you find a supportive home here.

Keep posting your insightful thoughts.

Oscar

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Posted (edited)

Thanks, Oscar K :). Agreed, I will probably have to post in more specific forums over time to deal with my issues individually 🙂 . Still, though, its encouragement enough so far to see fellow kinsmen posting here in support 🙂 . Used to, the world seemed such a dark place. Whether I like to admit it or not, I have been a bit of a fighter and survivalist against the symptoms of my mental illness despite my endless complaining 😛. The world seemed dark and people mean-spirited from my paranoia, both in my perception and how my demeanor affected others, further reinforcing the delusions (delusions tend to be based partially in fact). So, I've learned to put on a happy face by dissociating from the self-hate I reckon, just in the spirit of wanting to be a part of the solution instead of the problem as much as possible. I would prefer to have lived a most well-lived life so I would have all the right in the world to complain to my Creator about the above...

 

 

Just another bit of thought. *WARNING, a bit dark and COULD BE TRIGGERING*

I thought I could think the world "forgive" and understand. If I can understand, say, an atom of gold in all its protons, neutrons, and electrons, quarks, energy fields, etc. and call it forgiveness, then what's beyond me is how to make that happen. Here I am seemingly without the technology and power to transform lead into gold.

For the most part I have not trouble with forgiving human error. I make mistakes, they make mistakes, we all make mistakes. Since civilization has existed we have had the knowledge to raise our own into their maximum potential in the given culture. Somehow, though, corruption creeps in and the system of government becomes a system of control by the elite. All that has come to me through others, and all from me to them, is kind of like an addictive cycle that repeats itself through history, though. If anything though we have a bit of light we're more like mirrors than anything, echoing karma that has echoed from ages past. Good begets more growth, bad begets more destruction, and ALL OF THIS SEEMS BY DESIGN *GASP*!

What would my better way have been? Simple - for me to have been born in more nurturing conditions so I could have learned and grown with guidance, insight, instruction, and wisdom instead of fumbling in ignorance and ignorance of ignorance. I don't doubt for a minute that my family loved me, even if my trip through public education made the whole thing like being blasted with fire and ice day in and day out, but I still feel very impersonal about myself and my family as my choice soul group to be with. So, yes, I don't quite understand how an omnibenevolent, omnipotent, omni... Creator could subject me to this. Why not a stronger soul have been in the place of my current body? It makes me feel that my love for Him is quite conditional. This is not the life I would have chosen to have up to this point, and should I become, say, "World President" or whatever, I feel that I will never be able to look back and appreciate how abc led to xyz. So, yeah... What do you want from me, my Creator? Probably to stop asking that question and get on with life, but still, though, I envision that there will be a present moment with God where my life on earth will have been as a speck of dust in the asteroid belt, and to Him I will remember thinking now, "HOW DARE YOU PUT ME THROUGH THAT! THE HUMILITY!!! Karma? HA! Who was I in a past life to deserve that? We finished? K. Thanks but no thanks for everything. **** me. Nothing. Now."

And that's like the deepest darkest part of me that whenever I even consider visiting that dark place it just feels like it consumes and taints my normally healthy sense of life essence and presence through my body. So, yeah, somehow I have to take that dark part of me and transform it into gold. Somehow... I really do know that these thoughts and feelings are only the product of an imperfect mortal mind.

Edited by OtherKin
just a hunch I should include that disclaimer

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Posted (edited)

I've been wanting to share a more positive self and see where we can go from there, but still on a roll in this negative mood and getting more clarity into it so I will try to wrap up things in this post because I'm not sure if any more complaining will accomplish anything (I still haven't gone that deeply into the content of my angst).

 

 

Edit: Again, possibly triggering.

So, the above is a pretty good structural representation of my defiance of God and who and where I happened to be in this life. The past can't be changed and it is too late to make such pipe-dream fantasies of what could have been. So, I have a hatred of having been made to the point that I wish my Creator to have regret for making me or anyone before me that has been in my position. I am ready to throw everything away to prove a point that there was a time in my life where I wished so deeply that I had never been born yet forced to go through whatever I'm supposed to go through "for my own good" that I am deeply insulted and too proud to move beyond that. What's so friggin important about the personality that it has to learn some friggin' lesson the ***-**** hard way, kicking and screaming, no matter how bad it doesn't want to.

I feel like a sore loser in a game full of relative winners, impatiently waiting to just drop dead and walk in the door in the next life / creation cycle as someone else more “fit.” Among many things, I never wanted to ever experience being “that guy” (in this instance, a sore loser). Thank God I at least (as far as I would expect) was not Hitler in a past life. That’s the **** I’m talking about and really pissed off about. What if I had such problems in life not because I have a “space alien” for a soul and was inexperienced at life on Earth as a human being but because of bad choices made in previous lives? What if every ounce of hope I’ve had for being created after the desires of my heart is false? Why not just die and start over a totally different being until it's happy with the way it was made? How much harder is it to be created happy than it is to be stuck with something for lifetimes that takes more effort and resources to fix than it did to create in the first place? "NO!" I vehemently contest. If this is my soul for this entire creation cycle such that I had so much karma that I had to incarnate in such circumstances, then I must have somehow screwed up really bad in a past life and that is what I wanted least of all to be stuck with (not just the hand of cards I was dealt in this life but as a soul), so I want nothing to do with it.

I do, to a degree, finally recognize the abounding of blessings in my life after being basically lied to about that by the world (as most everyone probably is), and I recognize just how much potential I may have to effect positive change in myself and in the world and to hopefully, perhaps learn from and encourage the same in others. I have been past the impetus to end my life prematurely because that is a weak argument against misery. It is said to be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it's more like making a more temporary problem more permanent. I fail to see the temporary nature of my angst, though, because I relate it to my eternal soul itself as best as I can conceptualize. I can end my body but only God has the power to erase my soul and then whatever happens after that - e.g. the next creation cycle, so I at least need to make a good effort at this. So, on the outside, in a word, success perhaps. But I have a bit of a trojan horse.

If I am to argue against myself, then I need to bring all to the table that my life energy and soul insists. I need to take advantage and forge every opportunity I can to make God's plan for my life a success. I'm set for eventually no longer being handicapped by my mental illness and really starting to get back on the grid of society where, maybe even, my passions will start to be made reality and make ripples that will realize my earthly dreams. And then, when it is my appointed time to go, reflecting back on a life well and unselfishly lived in my life review, being perhaps offered the most tantalizing of rewards for the deepest desires of my heart (I feel a deep primal hate emerge as I type this), I envision insulting my Creator the only way I know how - by having done a damn fine job of playing the game but then not accepting the reward.  If I can decline a reward but must face the karma of past lives or even perhaps this life, then I will simply pay out what karma I have to and be done with it. Again, as others seem to have lamented, I look forward to God making a miracle happen to change my mind. Its not necessary at this point because even when I die I have already done good as I have already done by now, but maybe I can find unconditional love before then. I would really be torn to miss out on the reward I seek, but I would because I'm that stubborn.

 

Edited by OtherKin

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Posted (edited)

Now, on the positive side, I can completely forget who I think I am and how my past beliefs and experiences shape my current experiences. This is especially easy when I am interacting with others and focusing on them, but I have a lot of alone idle time so its no surprise that negative thoughts can become negative thought patterns, then negative beliefs, negative worldviews, and even negative paradigms. I want to quote a journal entry I made a few days ago...

"

Today, I was able to share tears of joy to a sense of great peace. I was in a very good place spiritually, that I could die tomorrow and have lived a good life, that, perhaps indeed at this point I have experienced real growth and real success and done real good. I do admit that I have a yearning to “go home” like many people undergoing a psychic awakening experience to the 5th dimension do, but also changed and different having lived life as a human being. What a joy it would be if my first incarnation – my seeding experience for my soul – was as a human being who’s since he can remember wanted to have vorarephilia forever.

            I was able to speak deeply from the heart with my grandfather, tears streaming down my face, without breaking down, at just how much I felt that I had won at life already. Not at the finish line yet, I know, but hopeful, dedicated, and very optimistic at the least that I will one day cross it and many other markers like this one.

I have finally found peace in my heart while feeling a variety of strong emotions, positive or negative, and it was a feeling of both tremendous strength and surrender to the moment. Once again as before, I looked at my hands and body and marveled at being alive and present at that very moment in time, and I was able to share that feeling of being Here, Now, with my grandfather in those moments. Here it was, a real moment of love outside of the mere hope to do so in the world of fantasy. Finally, a moment where I wasn’t trapped inside helplessly. Thankfully, the ground this experience rests on isn’t completely new and shaky by now, I’ve had several of these transcendentally-open experiences in social situations over the past 3 months. With what little I am able to see of energy and spirit and [the etheric] aura, I am profoundly surprised at how well and wholesome I feel already.

"

Now, my sense of joy in that moment was conditional on either this being my first human incarnation as an explanation for my struggles (e.g. a "Crystal Child") or a (possibly angelic) starseed - but still, it was a good moment.

Thinking about this, though, has me a bit worried. My dark, hate-filled self seems more real than my positive self 😞 . I think my identification with it and the clingy beliefs I have to try to sustain my happiness otherwise demonstrate that unfortunately. Fortunately I can choose to ignore these thoughts (feeling the dark energy within but not active) and keep going in the meantime.

 

Edit: Update, and now it seems that the switch in my personality / mood is complete and I'm quite horrified at what I was thinking and lamenting above lol... It seems almost totally foreign oddly. Yes, maybe, this is just the nature of my bi-polar / dissociative illness. I haven't been officially diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder but I strongly suspect it based on this and other related symptoms irl. So, the main point of focus I have now is how to deal with this "dark personality / mood / essence" or whatever it is. Part of positivity is in it to keep it in check, and it is easily triggered when I am feeling good, among paranoid / gregarious / strong / maybe other personaity / moods.

Edited by OtherKin

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43 minutes ago, OtherKin said:

Update, and now it seems that the switch in my personality / mood is complete and I'm quite horrified at what I was thinking and lamenting above lol... It seems almost totally foreign oddly.

Glad to see your positive side! But I feel it's sometimes healthy and productive to get the darkness out and express it (without hurting anyone or yourself). You seem very self aware and very eloquent and poetic. Reading your posts at times is like nihilistic poetry or lyrics to a black metal song lol.🤘 I can dig it. You've expressed emotions that I've felt sometimes but were not able to put into words. I hope you can can harness your passion and energy to focus on the good. I feel your free will and determination can unbind you from the suffering you endure. 🙂

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Posted (edited)

Ya, definitely 🙂 . It's strange though, really letting all that negativity to the surface has made it both more identifiable and more intimidating. Writing about it more now seems to be making me more inventively contemptuous 😛 , so I'll take a break from that for now 🙂 . At the least, though, reading yours and everyone's stories here and watching the national news, it seems more reasonable for me to draw from yall's coping strategies as well (been to the end of the internet and back for self-help lol) and keep in perspective my blessings 🙂 .

 

Edit: Although what I am attempting to do is using light to expose the shadows, at the same time its possible to feed into the darkness while exploring it within. We gotta be careful when navigating those waters, ya? Scary, scary stuff for me to be so extremely polarized. I don't know which one is the real me because it seems so state-dependent. I find myself either cursing the Light for its authority or thanking it for its protection. Wanting nothing to do with it or casting myself into its depths. Extreme defiance of or complete surrender to. Somewhere in-between a good bit of the time too, but still this is quite neurotic. I'm not one to write off either though as not real because of imbalanced chemicals. Every moment is real, ya? Maybe one will have better reasoning than the other and more basis in reality (for some reason, positive seems to in general be more correct and the negative more prone to cognitive distortions), but the experience is real in time and has real effect on my well-being and relationship with all things spiritual (it seems pretty bold and serious to come from a position of such contempt to make a claim to something eternal through a mortal lens ).

Edited by OtherKin

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Posted (edited)

So what am I to expect looking back on my moments of deep contempt? Will I be offered yet another, but final choice to decide once and for all whether I as who I am want anything to do with this drama as I so intently have wished? What if I get to do both? What if there I just let everything happen instead of having to choose between one or the other then? This is my understanding of things outside of time as they are said to be in the hereafter. As long as I don't make such a decision here by ending my life prematurely, that is possible (otherwise, weak argument / karma / try again...). So, meh, life will go on and maybe the clerk will take note of my grievances. In a way, perhaps, this is to turn something over to God.

Edited by OtherKin

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"I have no complaints now, I have no complaints now, I have no complaints now..." echoed through my mind as I realized I really have no complaints about anything right now as the way things are. When I take my head from the clouds and have a down-to-earth perspective of what's bothering me now besides anything in the present moment, I see that I have no problems and no complaints.

I don't like that I probably qualify for more in addition to the few mental illness diagnoses I have already been officially diagnosed with. I'm even tempted to carry my wounds as badges of honor. But when I consider that I am in good health and am generally not in a state of distress except for mainly the above thought-cycle, and that I have a pretty much guaranteed future whatever I choose to do with myself, then I realize that I have absolutely nothing I even really need to change or do to make things better than they already are for me. Therefore, I can null and void my above complaints as per this perspective. I wonder what I might come up with next though if I keep trying to complain...

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Posted (edited)

I hope its okay to quadruple-post, but I just want to make another update to this make-shift blog 😛 ...

That was pretty tough sounding on myself. But with the epiphany what was angst just basically evaporated into complaints into nothingness. I was not expecting to be over this a day and a half after I posted about it here, but it's taken my whole life and years of medication experimentation, self-help, therapy, and being fortunate enough to be a part of a loving family here and at home to make that milestone epiphany happen. It's the biggest dent yet I've experienced in the recovery process on the road to becoming more wholesome and weller-than-well. I've learned that the general statistics and expectations don't have to matter when it comes to individual prognosis and the transformational journey of merely seeking. Now, next I need to get longer-term goals in motion for self-sufficiency and expressing the creative drive 🙂 . This venture of registering and posting here for help has been a tremendous success already! Thanks again everyone :D!

 

Edited by OtherKin
typo

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 I concur! I've been here less than a week and already gained some benefit from it. I've been able to express myself and get things off my chest that I cant say to people around me. I've also been able to hear others stories which has given me perspective on my own issues and not feel alone. It has helped me develop my empathy. I love this site! I'm so glad it exists!

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Hello, @OtherKin and welcome! You certainly have much to get out, and we are so glad you have found a safe place to unload your complex thoughts and observations. I can only speak simply, but my one thought on your grandmother is this; she was severely mentally ill and cruelly sadistic. I grew up also in a similar circumstances, equating abuse with love. It has taken me years to put that in its rightful place and move forward, and sometimes it does have a way of oozing out and tainting my current life. Forgiveness is tough, and not for everyone. But just giving it a name, for me, was a good place to start healing. Anyway, we are so glad you are here. ✌️🌷

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Life is absurd, and humanity's attempt to find meaning and purpose against the backdrop of an  indifferent universe is an exercise in futility. All we can do is accept the absurdity of existence and soldier on in spite of it, i.e., "revolt" against the absurd, as Albert Camus so elegantly stated.

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1 hour ago, LonelyHiker said:

Life is absurd, and humanity's attempt to find meaning and purpose against the backdrop of an  indifferent universe is an exercise in futility. All we can do is accept the absurdity of existence and soldier on in spite of it, i.e., "revolt" against the absurd, as Albert Camus so elegantly stated.

I'm not sure that the universe is "indifferent"...it seems openly hostile towards me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm placing way too much importance upon my own pathetic life to think that the universe has singled me out for bad treatment...but I've believed that since I was a little kid. For awhile I thought it was "God" who kept dishing all of the crap onto me...and sometimes I still do. I generally think of myself as a Gnostic (not agnostic) and will raise my fist in defiance to they Mean Old Man in the sky. Other times, I simply scream into the void.

I'll even beg TPTB in the universe to stop kicking me around.

I've posted elsewhere about my belief that I'm a bad luck magnet--I unwillingly take on more of my share of misfortune so that others can have more good luck. Or something like that.

Whatever. It doesn't matter in the slightest. One of these days my molecules will scramble and "I" will cease to exist. Good riddance.

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I know there's no purpose to me being here.  Everything around me is just random chemistry come together to create it all.  How could all of this wonderful stuff come out of nowhere people will say and I will say what's so great about any of it?  It's been a lifetime of not understanding why people are enjoying anything they do.  I haven't enjoyed any of it.  I honestly believe some people enjoy some of this but it doesn't make a bit of sense to me.  Everything people strive for and I'm told is so great is disappointment after disappointment.

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Posted (edited)

Thanks Tearz for the advice 🙂 , and I'm happy to see you BillyC, LonelyHiker, JD4010 and sober4life posting here with yall's perspectives!  This is so good! Thanks everyone for posting here 😄 !

I think the universe is a kind of self-organizing tapestry somehow, where we see the underside of it and things appear like they aren't working out for the greater good or at least in our individual interests (and I can definitely understand feeling like nothing is working for one, like being singled out). I wish I could express more just how much it felt like I had been dealt a poor hand in life and gotten the short end of the ****ty stick, because now it's like that's all behind me somehow. I've seen a bit of a tapestry to my life hindsight 20/20, and feel that if things had went differently I wouldn't have been as well introduced to collective suffering so as to be able to actually understand what its like from a first-hand perspective and be a light in a world that seems so dark.

As much as I hate it, learning happens through time by experience - the alternative would be instant-download instant-gratification instant-everything and there would be no place for time. And, that to me is problematic because it makes things less real, less earned, and less rewarding - a whole different order to reality that's less real. So, it seems its necessary to allow for good/bad duality because time itself being a necessity to existence seems to require it. As a created things in existence, we're having to play by the same rules as everything else, ranging from experiencing the beauty of spring to the catastrophe of an asteroid, and hopefully it will work out for us beautifully like evolution itself has for life. We're here and we're stuck with it so all we can do is do good and hope that it makes things better for others and us while we keep our trojan horses against the powers that be ready to unload when our time comes 😛 .

 

Reflecting back on how the I went through all of that above angst throughout my life, condensed it all here like fruit juice concentrate, it looks kinda like a Monty-python skit or "the story of Job" where I just broke the 4th wall or something at the end and do like something that seems totally random to tie things up. It was like the answer I came up with to my angst came almost out of nowhere, literally, where "being present" had not worked before and only seemed to make me worse in fact. It's as though there was a discontinuity between the problem and the epiphany but somehow I'm still going strong and haven't much returned back to the angst after getting the rest off my chest with some friends in discord and receiving support that healed the pain both spiritually for the angst and psychologically for the pain of life.

So, it seems the difference between how one person ticks or another when it comes to trauma is how one has learned to identify with it. As an example, athletes have to relish muscle pain from working out as a part of their discipline, but as someone who hated the hurt of pain I couldn't push through and be one. Still, though, now I feel that I can be an athlete with my perspective on pain now 🙂 . I'm even doing cool mind-over-matter isometric exercises where I'm constantly working my body out with isometric tension even at rest like wild animals do to stay in shape. When moving, I constantly flex my muscles for even better results. It's taken around 6 months to get into the habit, and I'm even seeing results on my yunmai scale with excellent muscle mass, bone density, and fat that's melting away. So yeah everything has been getting better and I think everything is connected, my physical health improving even and not just my mind, just by having sought the questions so that I could climb my way out of floundering in ignorant of ignorance.

 

Knowing the questions to ask is more important than and a pre-requisite to knowing the answers IMO. It's the questions that guide and define one's belief paradigm. It's the essential step of coming out of not knowing of not knowing.

 

I want to share a meditation I had and shared on discord. I think it pretty much sums the new thought-process I've had to address my existential angst.

I feel so content despite the fact that my illness has basically destroyed everything that I had worked for that I feel that I fail in connecting with other's pain. I suck at offering support because when I try to offer direct sage advice it seems to miss the mark and be directly wrong and unhelpful instead. Still, I try. I wish from the bottom of my heart good fortune for and from any circumstances for everyone, but my faith just seems too care-free about whatever the Universe may manifest to offer anyone who seeks a specific outcome anything that can quell anxieties about an uncertain future in the face of real dangers. No, you are not losing your mind or going crazy I think and try to convey. You are waking up to the realness and hardness of reality, and pain is about the most knocking sensation of reality there is. But there is hope in that tangibleness of reality somehow. The realness seems to be a gift itself. All i can recommend for a formula to contentment is hope that everything will work out in the end for everyone and everything no matter what or how things unfold in the interim. Peace and love to all! Keep the hope and fight the good fight!

 

Thanks for reading my stories too, cheers mates 😄 ! Keep the fight brothers and sisters!

Edited by OtherKin
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So, what have I realistically accomplished for myself, I ask to myself, in this thought process / epiphany? I haven't found the self-sufficiency to maintain even basic needs like shelter and food, but at least I think I've managed to find peace of mind in my current living arrangements and health and hopefully and mental preparedness for most any circumstances. Just thinking though that all I have to do now is breathe until I die, whether or not I end up homeless or permanently dependent on assistance, and then hopefully oneness again in the beatific vision. I think it's hell enough being here that there shouldn't be much asked of us but to bear through it.

 

Edited by OtherKin

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I sure hope I'm not going to say anything wrong here, I mean to be encouraging (or I want to be?). You have a very active mind! I feel like I'm reading something along the depths of C.S. Lewis. Have you ever read his book, Mere Christianity? It is my favorite book so if I've said anything discouraging...there's that.

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On 3/24/2019 at 11:42 AM, Rachelsmom said:

I sure hope I'm not going to say anything wrong here, I mean to be encouraging (or I want to be?). You have a very active mind! I feel like I'm reading something along the depths of C.S. Lewis. Have you ever read his book, Mere Christianity? It is my favorite book so if I've said anything discouraging...there's that.

Hi Rachelsmom 😀 ! I worry about the same thing when offering support, so, I'm totally cool with that, and you're spot on btw 😛 ! I have come across excerpts from C.S. Lewis's writings and been quite moved by what I've read (through much searching I have come time and time again back to Jesus as being the Son of God, though still I'm working through some unorthodox beliefs ). Even in the angst, on the other side of the coin are parallels to such a man of faith 😮 !? It's quite amazing how things can work out that way, so I'm quite inspired, Rachelsmom!

I've got a nightmare of a reading list / current books but I would love to start reading this book as soon as it comes in, I've went ahead and bought it to be sure! Surely, there's hope yet for me returning to college despite mental illness and medication side-effects, if I can find the right accommodations, this time to studies in comparative religion or seminary (both eventually I'm sure 🙂 ). I'll make sure to be well-prepared with prior readings 🤓.

Thanks again for the support and reading reference 🙂 !

Edited by OtherKin

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Otherkin- that's so awesome that you ordered the book!🤩 C.S. Lewis is so intelligent and, yet, a normal person at the same time. I don't know if that makes sense but I was in awe of him and his active mind when I read it. His thoughts were so abstract that, sometimes, I had to read the same sentence over and over before it sunk in. Like I said, you remind me of him (insert normal smiley that I can't find that isn't creepy).

Keep on keepin' on! Life would definitely be boring if we were all the same!

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