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Why does it feel like things just work out for most people yet not for certain others?


GAJ123

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28 minutes ago, Tears_Always said:

Sorry to tell you I have no problem dating a shy guy. Please do not ghost this woman she already knows enough about you to know you are shy if that has not stopped the conversation what would it hurt to go out with her. You may not find a lover or whatever but you could gain a friend. You have no idea what she as faced in her life, just as she has only seen bits of you. 

Well, I likely screwed it up anyway if she was still interested since after mentioning if I was shy I pretty much stopped replying after. I already feel she views me as weak already. I know how it is based on my own history that the vast majority of women just dislike shy guys. If they didn’t I should have been in at least 1 or 2 relationships at my current age. I’m a guy in his early 30s that’s only been on 1 date in his whole life. And I don’t consider myself bad looking either which women would likely think I’m crazy if I told them I’ve never had a relationship. I’m just so screwed due to health issues ruining my life. I don’t see a way out of any of this anymore. I’m beyond tired. 

Edited by GAJ123
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I love shy guys! I don't see it as weak, I see it as lots of emotion simmering under the surface. It's super-hot.

I'm not discounting your fears, OP. I know what it is to be crippled by fear. Literally unable to act. That's real. I'm just saying, don't imagine you know what this girl is thinking. You're putting your own beliefs about yourself off on someone else. 

And yes, I know the feeling of "why are things so easy for other people?" I actually do believe life literally is easier for some people. Same in the non-human animal kingdom. Some creatures perform "better" in the context of their clan or their way of life. I don't know what to make of that but it's a belief I have. In a way it's freeing to know I "couldn't" have become some awesome, social winning-career person.

We are sold a bill of goods in the Western world that we can "be anything we want to be." That puts TREMENDOUS pressure on those of us who WANT to be a certain way and literally can't. I think it's a fallacy.

There's this song right now..."Mama said don't give up..." He always had high hopes "for a living"...and now he's succeeded. I HATE that song, LOL. Because if what his Mama said was true why isn't SHE some rich, famous person? She gave him a truism (according to the song, I don't know if the songwriter's actual mother literally said that) that holds true for some lucky people. That means it doesn't have validity.

Panic at the Disco (I love that group, BTW, LOL...usually) - collectively, because I don't know which of them wrote the song - happened to have a musical talent that they were able to build on (v. the average person of average talent who can only build on that), happened to hit upon a pop-ish sound that was going to just happen to become super popular at this exact moment in time, and voila, success. It WASN'T because of a positive attitude although the reverse probably is true - if they hadn't had ANY hope they wouldn't have gotten anywhere. But think about all the *chance* and *inborn* things that had to happen *before* the drive and ambition in order to put them on top...at least for now. Tomorrow they could be on the bottom again.

It's just not true that everyone can achieve, all the time, with a little elbow grease and a positive attitude. It isn't even true of legitimately talented people. Think of all the artists throughout history who weren't even recognized until well after they were dead. *We are not all born equal and we do not all have an equal chance* and even when there is talent there in some way, socially, career, art, whatever, it *still* has to coincide *exactly* with what the greater population happens to want at that exact time in order for us to be "on top." So how can anyone imagine life is equal? It isn't even equal for an identical personality born in a different generation. If that makes sense.

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to not feel continuous guilt that I must be somehow "underperforming" (despite a lifetime of hard work getting nowhere) because I'm not at the level of the luckier people, or the more genetically healthy (particularly neurologically). Then I think: isn't that like a person in a wheelchair wondering why she isn't winning foot races, and blaming herself for underperforming?

Edited by Summer896
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1 hour ago, Summer896 said:

I love shy guys! I don't see it as weak, I see it as lots of emotion simmering under the surface. It's super-hot.

I'm not discounting your fears, OP. I know what it is to be crippled by fear. Literally unable to act. That's real. I'm just saying, don't imagine you know what this girl is thinking. You're putting your own beliefs about yourself off on someone else. 

And yes, I know the feeling of "why are things so easy for other people?" I actually do believe life literally is easier for some people. Same in the non-human animal kingdom. Some creatures perform "better" in the context of their clan or their way of life. I don't know what to make of that but it's a belief I have. In a way it's freeing to know I "couldn't" have become some awesome, social winning-career person.

We are sold a bill of goods in the Western world that we can "be anything we want to be." That puts TREMENDOUS pressure on those of us who WANT to be a certain way and literally can't. I think it's a fallacy.

There's this song right now..."Mama said don't give up..." He always had high hopes "for a living"...and now he's succeeded. I HATE that song, LOL. Because if what his Mama said was true why isn't SHE some rich, famous person? She gave him a truism (according to the song, I don't know if the songwriter's actual mother literally said that) that holds true for some lucky people. That means it doesn't have validity.

Panic at the Disco (I love that group, BTW, LOL...usually) - collectively, because I don't know which of them wrote the song - happened to have a musical talent that they were able to build on (v. the average person of average talent who can only build on that), happened to hit upon a pop-ish sound that was going to just happen to become super popular at this exact moment in time, and voila, success. It WASN'T because of a positive attitude although the reverse probably is true - if they hadn't had ANY hope they wouldn't have gotten anywhere. But think about all the *chance* and *inborn* things that had to happen *before* the drive and ambition in order to put them on top...at least for now. Tomorrow they could be on the bottom again.

It's just not true that everyone can achieve, all the time, with a little elbow grease and a positive attitude. It isn't even true of legitimately talented people. Think of all the artists throughout history who weren't even recognized until well after they were dead. *We are not all born equal and we do not all have an equal chance* and even when there is talent there in some way, socially, career, art, whatever, it *still* has to coincide *exactly* with what the greater population happens to want at that exact time in order for us to be "on top." So how can anyone imagine life is equal? It isn't even equal for an identical personality born in a different generation. If that makes sense.

Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to not feel continuous guilt that I must be somehow "underperforming" (despite a lifetime of hard work getting nowhere) because I'm not at the level of the luckier people, or the more genetically healthy (particularly neurologically). Then I think: isn't that like a person in a wheelchair wondering why she isn't winning foot races, and blaming herself for underperforming?

I never responded to her after asking if I was a shy person. I just asked that it’s noticable through text? And she just said yeah kinda. Than I never talked to her since. We were supposed to go out to dinner one day soon but once someone mentions me being quiet/shy I just know they get turned off. Women find me boring I think. I also have a bunch of health issues where I feel like I’m at a stand still. So many people at my job moved on to bigger things & I’m still there feeling left behind with not being able to do much more due to all my problems. I also feel like I can’t date since my anxiety just goes into severe overdrive where I can’t calm down. Than I won’t even be able to be myself on the date due to the stress of it all. It’s like the one date I went on I was pretty much just waiting for the end of it due to it being so awkward. I can’t be comfortable meeting someone for the first time so I’ll never be able to have a good first date with anyone. It’s like I’d have to organically meet someone somewhere to stand any chance. 

I read your entire post & appreciate what you’ve written. I just feel there’s no hope for me anymore.

 

 

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8 minutes ago, GAJ123 said:

I never responded to her after asking if I was a shy person. I just asked that it’s noticable through text? And she just said yeah kinda. Than I never talked to her since. We were supposed to go out to dinner one day soon but once someone mentions me being quiet/shy I just know they get turned off. Women find me boring I think. I also have a bunch of health issues where I feel like I’m at a stand still. So many people at my job moved on to bigger things & I’m still there feeling left behind with not being able to do much more due to all my problems. I also feel like I can’t date since my anxiety just goes into severe overdrive where I can’t calm down. Than I won’t even be able to be myself on the date due to the stress of it all. It’s like the one date I went on I was pretty much just waiting for the end of it due to it being so awkward. I can’t be comfortable meeting someone for the first time so I’ll never be able to have a good first date with anyone. It’s like I’d have to organically meet someone somewhere to stand any chance. 

I read your entire post & appreciate what you’ve written. I just feel there’s no hope for me anymore.

 

 

 

I think you really like this girl.

I think you should reach out once more, just really casually. No need to jump forward to worrying about a date...just say hey.

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21 minutes ago, Summer896 said:

 

I think you really like this girl.

I think you should reach out once more, just really casually. No need to jump forward to worrying about a date...just say hey.

Not sure there’s really a point. We haven’t talked in 2 days after the whole shy thing. Probably better off just not even bothering since she would have reached out to me by now I think if she were still interested. 

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I dont think being shy or an introvert is necessarily seen as a generic negative thing anymore. 

I dont talk much at all, to anyone really in real life. The internet gives a lovely layer of anonymity. So when I do choose to talk it usually goes down well as people tend to listen. 

Sometimes I come across deep and mysterious, which I can assure you I am not. Just another guy trying to give his best. It's not always good but it's always how much I have in me. 

I could also go on about the psychology of silence and attraction but I wont.

In my opinion go for it. Ask her out on day 3 since the last text

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On 3/19/2019 at 3:44 PM, JD4010 said:

Yeah. Same here. I had optimism about my future when I was young, even though I've always been weird.

Same here as well. I used to think I'm on the path towards something purposeful and meaningful, which would inevitably come. At some point I realized that no, this is probably all there is, and it's not good. I'm also dreading what's to come, feeling a sense of impending doom.

The world itself has also turned out in ways I never expected. From PewDiePie to ISIS, it's baffling and painful in so many ways. It seems just about everything can be explained by evil, stupidity, or quite often a combination of both.

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19 hours ago, Summer896 said:

We are sold a bill of goods in the Western world that we can "be anything we want to be." That puts TREMENDOUS pressure on those of us who WANT to be a certain way and literally can't. I think it's a fallacy. 

 

I think you nailed it right there. That seemingly simple belief underpins most of the society we live within and completely discounts the background (and health, and location, etc.) of an individual. "Luck" is a real thing; sometimes the odds are for a person, other times they are against. And some people have much more misfortune than others.

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Old guy advice: Just be friendly...want to be her friend. I learned at some point that I liked having female friends, whether romance was in the cards or not. And friendship can often lead to romance...it's a great place from which to have it bloom.

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Didn’t have it in me to message her again. It’s been 3 days now. I just take it as a loss & figured if she were still interested she would have messaged me again. I just knew when she asked if I was a shy person out of nowhere that she pretty much viewed me a certain way. I’ve said it for years now & expect to be alone for life. I honestly had this fear as a kid that as I got older I’d never meet anyone & it’s unfortunately coming true. 

Edited by GAJ123
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On 3/19/2019 at 3:36 PM, JD4010 said:

Here's the thing...there are some women who appreciate guys who aren't loud, assertive douchebags. Like you and I, those women are out of the mainstream so we don't encounter them that often. But I assure you that they are out there.

YES! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. My husband is quiet and low-key. Thank God. I couldn't deal with a partier or an "everybody look at me!!!" guy. I'M quiet. Why would I want a loud guy?

As for assertive, same thing. I mean, standing up for oneself is one thing (even I manage to do that at times, LOL). But the pushiness, the "I'm an Alpha male" thing literally makes my panties dry up like overcooked toast...just no. Ick.

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On 3/22/2019 at 8:31 PM, GAJ123 said:

Didn’t have it in me to message her again. It’s been 3 days now. I just take it as a loss & figured if she were still interested she would have messaged me again. I just knew when she asked if I was a shy person out of nowhere that she pretty much viewed me a certain way. I’ve said it for years now & expect to be alone for life. I honestly had this fear as a kid that as I got older I’d never meet anyone & it’s unfortunately coming true. 

It's not a sure thing. The longest relationship I ever had started as a chance meeting on a bus. It was a fluke, but it happened.

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

The longest relationship I ever had started as a chance meeting on a bus. It was a fluke, but it happened.

I am told that my parents first met by chance on a train, so maybe there's something about public transportation. Nonetheless, sometimes I sort of wish they opted for different ways of getting to wherever they were going.

Edited by anon22ae
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3 hours ago, anon22ae said:

I am told that my parents first met by chance on a train, so maybe there's something about public transportation. Nonetheless, sometimes I sort of wish they opted for different ways of getting to wherever they were going.

For those who are a bit older things like that was common, mine met at a curling match 🤷‍♂️

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On 3/21/2019 at 4:31 PM, GAJ123 said:

I also feel like I can’t date since my anxiety just goes into severe overdrive where I can’t calm down. Than I won’t even be able to be myself on the date due to the stress of it all. It’s like the one date I went on I was pretty much just waiting for the end of it due to it being so awkward. I can’t be comfortable meeting someone for the first time so I’ll never be able to have a good first date with anyone. It’s like I’d have to organically meet someone somewhere to stand any chance. 

you know something to consider is that a lot of people feel anxious during dates because there's this sense that the "goal" of the date is to weed out riff raffs or figure out whether that person is compatible. it's not necessarily wrong, but... 

first and foremost a date should be fun!  you know what the best first date is? an arcade! 🙂  (but maybe not Dave n Busters cause that place is the worst😅.  places to avoid on first dates: movies (super awkward! and can't converse), restaurants (or anywhere the only activity is conversation!). 

the point is - all that stuff about expectations and compatibility isn't important in the beginning. first figure out whether you can truly have fun together. go somewhere or do something you genuinely enjoy and don't take it too seriously 🙂

 

Edited by sleepystupid
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