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SP_E3ZY219

Don't feel like I have anyone to turn to

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I am a recent college graduate who has been working for about 1.5 years. I struggled with school my entire elementary/middle school/high school life, but managed to turn things around in college. I worked hard to receive good grades and began accomplishing a lot. My parents had previously gotten divorced while I was in High school, and it didn't take a toll on me until my college years. My father went off and got married and forgot about us. He didn't even care about what any of my siblings and I were doing, what schools we went to, or what we were doing with our lives. He didn't even know my college major/my school/where I work/where I'm going next. I honestly feel like he doesn't even care if I were to die, rather he cares more about his other family and making a lot of money. This has hurt me a lot, and has continued eating me away for the past several months. 

My mother has struggled her entire life to provide for us, so couldn't really be there very often. She also had a lot of emotional problems which she would take out on me, so her and I are not that close anymore even though I still live with her and my siblings. 

My youngest brother sits and plays video games all day (high school), my sister is always in her room away from everyone else, and my other brother takes a lot of recreational drugs like Xanax. Honestly I don't even know what to do anymore. I have no one to talk to, as I feel that my friends are not there for me when I'm in a crisis, rather they only talk to me when I'm in a good mood. 

In about three months, I am starting Medical School and moving away which already feels like is going to take a toll on me. However, I don't know how I'm going to cope with it knowing my brother takes drugs, my mother isn't close to me, my friends aren't there, and my father literally doesn't care about me. 

 

What should I do? I have had so many negative thoughts about myself, humanity as a whole, and my true purpose. I keep jumping into a wormhole where I think about what humanity really is....a species that keeps on breeding...but for what? I question existence as a whole and have turned to nihilism recently. 

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Welcome to the Forums!

It sounds like you essentially feel that there is no one who is there for you or even sees that you need help. Have you thought about going into therapy? The nice thing about a therapist is that they are there just for you - and their needs and wants do not come into the equation. It also sounds to me like you should try to move out - perhaps find a roommate who is also in medical school. People who have similar burdens can sometimes be great support for each other, because they know what you are dealing with. It would also give you the opportunity to spend some one on one time with your siblings and give your Mom a break. You can be support for each other two - because you have had similar difficulties in you childhoods. It may take some time, but I can tell you that it can be very helpful.

I also have a mother with her own emotional issues and I was the oldest in the family. In the past decade or so, my siblings have become very supportive to me. I hope that you can find your tribe - and that you can find some solace here.

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Welcome to DF.  You'll find there are plenty of us who can relate to some, most or even all of your story.  I'm glad to hear you can recognize your accomplishments despite outrageous odds.  That's nothing to sneeze at.

So many of us have had to deal with families who are toxic.  And there really isn't any other way to describe them.

I really can't add a lot to what @JessiesMom said.  So I'll just reiterate that getting help for yourself is the priority, even with only  a few months left before medical school.  That help may take the form of a therapist or even a psychiatrist.  If you can, just go for it.  It sounds like you've largely been able to detach from the drama in the family environment.

I suppose you could white-knuckle it for those few months, but professional help, imo, would ease your transition.  Please keep posting as often and as much as you wish.

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@SP_E3ZY219 , much of what MarkintheDark says is accurate; except for siblings, our stories, yours and mine, are quite similar. I am so sorry you are struggling with abandonment and existential crises. However I was also encouraged by your ability to keep your accomplishments in the forefront. Great on you for what you have - and will! - achieve. There are lots of folks here who will relate to you and give support and encouragement. Please peruse the boards and, if/when you're feeling up to it, post when you find things that interest you. I am glad you found this place of refuge to work through that which troubles you. Peace. ✌️🕊

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Hi. I'm sorry you feel so alone. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for many years since I was a teenager and never felt I could confide in my family. My parents divorced as well, though my experience of it probably wasn't as bad as most people's. Your siblings sound troubled as well, each escaping into their own world (which I can also relate to). It's great you've managed to accomplish so much, honestly.

With a big life change coming up, I think that for right now, you have to focus on yourself. I don't wonder that you feel down about your family, and you'll have to deal with your feelings about them at some point and decide what role you want to play in their lives. But I'll just say that if you feel that you need their lives to get sorted out before you can move ahead with your own, that will keep you stuck. I myself have wasted so many years on the thought that if if I went off and thrived apart from my family, I would be evil/ungrateful/heartless. And none of those things need to be true. As I've gotten older I've also realised that with all my anxiety and depression problems, I was always too exhausted to be of much use to my family. And it is a bitter experience to feel powerless to help someone else in pain.

So in a nutshell, help yourself first - find sources of support outside your family - and then you can be the stabilising influence for your siblings, if that's what you want. This isn't the same as feeling personally responsible for their lives, because a lot of that will be out of your control. But you can at least try to do what your parents couldn't. I second the suggestion to get therapy, or counseling of some sort. Ideally you can deal with the hurt your parents have caused you, feel it fully, and then move on instead of feeling stuck and hopeless. Meanwhile, maybe you could prep for your move so as to mitigate the stress that will be involved. Catch up on rest, organise your stuff, google fun activities or social groups (if that's your thing) in your new city, and set up regular online meetings with your friends to chat and catch up? And of course you can keep posting here. If you're having a crisis, there's almost certainly someone here who gets it.

12 hours ago, SP_E3ZY219 said:

What should I do? I have had so many negative thoughts about myself, humanity as a whole, and my true purpose. I keep jumping into a wormhole where I think about what humanity really is....a species that keeps on breeding...but for what? I question existence as a whole and have turned to nihilism recently. 

Here's my take on the question of meaning. I've spent a lot of time feeling really pessimistic about humanity. Very much so when I was in my teens and twenties, and even now in my late thirties. I've had to accept that if I try to single-handedly grapple with all the big and small miseries, and senseless cruelty that exists in the world, I will drown in it. Any single person would. Why do humans breed? Well, if you want my personal take on it, the breeding is going to happen regardless 🙂 and then afterwards every person gets to grow up and either 1) coast through life, or 2) determine what is meaningful for them. It sounds like you're in the process of doing the second right now. As with all searches, it begins with the sense of what's wrong in your life, and feeling the lack of what you want. If you know what causes you pain, that also means you know that you desire the opposite in your life. I will say this, I think it's hard to try and determine what's meaningful solely by thinking through it. Because the kind of experiences that we live for are always the kind that are felt. And I think everyone has to be a kind of detective of their own life. You have an experience of wonder or happiness, that's a clue. You read something deeply fascinating in a book, that's another clue. You watch a video of someone living life in a way you hadn't thought of, and you feel a vicarious sense of freedom. All clues. But I wouldn't count on finding any 'pre-packaged' source of meaning, whether it's that one career, philosophy, or relationship. You find bits of meaning and then you piece them together into a life that's yours.

I guess all this is to say that if you haven't figured out the meaning of your life yet, that's fine because it's a very big ask of someone just out of college. I'm sure there are some people out there who have it all figured out at that age, but trust me, they are unicorns, and even then they will almost surely encounter experiences that force them to take life detours like anyone else.

This turned out really long. Hope some of it was helpful. And welcome!

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Welcome! Glad that you reached out and found us. Thanks for your honest sharing. Toxic people are so hard to live with. Hope you can have the boundaries you need. We will be here for you as best we can. Keep reading and posting.

BW

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I felt that way once, afraid to leave friends and family. It is hard, but Im glad I did, Started a new life. Thats what I wish for you.

Go to Med school, put your energies into something positive. You will meet new friends and leave the toxicity behind.

No one said depression is easy, you have to work at staying above water every day. Stop thinking about humanity,

when you go to Med school, save one and you save the world.

 

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Hey, @SP_E3ZY219, I am just wondering how you have been doing lately? Hope things have improved. You have been in my thoughts today. Please let us know how you have been getting along. We care about you!! 🌈✌️

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Hi there---This brings tears to my eyes...It reminds me of when my mother told me about her father, not being around when she was a child..so, I sort of get what your talking about..I am so sorry that you are going through this and just know that you have friends here and you can talk to us anytime, we are here to help...Is excellent that you are going to medical school, people always need good doctors--I wish you much success with that!!! Okay, I will stop babbling now, please just feel free to come here to talk anytime!! --Paris43 8-]]]

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I also want to welcome you to the Forums,

    Wish I had some great wisdom to offer you, but sadly I am a loss for thoughts and words.  I sure hope you find these Forums to be helpful to you.  They have helped me a lot !   - epictetus

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I can relate to you so much. I also struggled a lot through school, I was always very shy and insecure. I failed my A levels (last exams) and lost my offer for veterinary, at first it was devastating but then it gave me a new leash on life. I wanted to resit the year and have fun, be confident. I managed to do all of those things, I was really happy. Until I was let down by my Aunt. I know our relationship wasn't as close as a son and father relationship. But she tried to destroy me, it's a weird story but she did a number of things like call the police on me, write a letter to my psychiatrist diagnosing me with autism, OCD, Social issues and all sorts. It took me a long while to get over the sadness, anger, and self pity. None of those feelings helped me move on. I thought I could trust my Aunt, just like I could trust my mother. Bu there are people in life who will disappoint you. It was better for me to lose my Aunt because she was toxic. But I know it's harder to lose a father. Having to deal with bad people helps you see the good in other people. It makes you care for them more - trust me. You just need to find that person that you can trust. And you will truly come to appreciate them. - for me that person is my Nan, she went through a nasty divorce and several years of depression, so she knows me better than anyone. 

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Sounds like you don’t have the support system you need and given the family situation, you may find yourself having to support them in somewaybut not getting anything back from them. After awhile that takes a toll. It sounds very lonely in distant in your home even though everyone is living under the same roof.

My mother had emotional problems also and I had to stop talking to her years ago because she was too toxic. Still is from what I hear. I just couldn’t take it.

I think getting away from the house and over to med school may be what you need.  It will open doors for you and show you that there’s a lot of great things out there to look forward to. I think this is where you can also make some deep and profound connections with people who will be accepting and supportive.  

Right now I’m sure  you feel overwhelmed and nihilism might seem like a logical step but keep an open mind as you embark on this new journey.  

You have  a purpose and a place in this world.  Never let anyone or yourself tell you otherwise.  

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