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Love is only for good looking people


desperateloser

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Definitely not true! Case files: Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant; Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher; Sandra Bullock and TooManyTattoos (I don't remember his name-I don't think anyone does); Madonna and everyone else on the planet. Love is a battlefield regardless of anyone's outside appearances. And what @watalife said is also true; I see lots of average-looking couples out there. It's what is in your heart that eventually shines forth, not your pearly white perfect teeth or how well you apply your make-up or how often you work out. Please hang in there, @desperateloser. We are all here for you in your dark hour. ✌️🌈✨🕊

Edited by Tearz
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1 hour ago, watalife said:

Not true. I see more ugly couples than pretty couples. I'm glad they have someone though.  

You guys think that way because you all are average looking people. I'm below average at everything.  I have recesssed chin and crooked teeth. I can't afford these things. 

I'm starting to think I'm autistic now.

 

 

an

I can definitely relate to this guy. I'm completely look like him. Everything he said is true.

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There's nothing true about that at all. Nobody's worth is based purely on their appearance and in any case there's no such thing as a unifined attractiveness, different people are attracted to different things, physical features, personal characteristics, shared interests etc etc etc - you must know that yourself? There's nothing black and white, cut and dry about human relationships at all.

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This sounds like a hasty generalization to me. Each of us hold on to a bias that's based upon our own experiences which we overvalue. Because of our bias, we seek other examples of that confirm what we already believe about ourselves, any examples that don't conform are placed in a mental file drawer.

This behavior is prominent among we who struggle with depression, it seems to me.

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20 hours ago, Atra said:

Each of us hold on to a bias that's based upon our own experiences which we overvalue. Because of our bias, we seek other examples of that confirm what we already believe about ourselves

totally this. well said.

but i can understand the desire to confirm our biases - because maybe it hurts a little less if you know it's not just you? i can see the (relative) comfort in that.

@desperateloser - sorry don't have any specific words of wisdom here. as you say, i'm an "average" looking guy, though i've had severe acne at points in my life that made me miserable. to be perfectly honest, the thought that got me through those times was: there's probably someone out there worse looking than me, but happy somehow  - what's my problem then?  i know that kind of just shifts the negativity in a different direction, but it made me look deeper into my emotional state for something other than just "looks" as the root of my depression.

 

 

Edited by sleepystupid
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Yeah, not true. Look around, 90% of the couples i see are made up of, at best, average looking people, and still a Lot of what, to me, are unattractive people. Shoot, i don't consider myself much to look at but i've dated... even some women way out of my league haha.

The people who are so focused on looks are not the kind of people you want to be with anyways. The people worth being with appreciate you, not your looks. And those people absolutely do exist.

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If it makes you feel better im not ugly and no one gives a shit about me, atleast if I was ugly I could blame not being able to build relationships with women on that. Instead of me being a mentally ****ed up person that can't maintain relationships with anyone. I see guys way uglier then me with women and it makes me feel like shit.

I know if I tried harder didn't fear rejection and or commitment I could have dated tons of women by my age(28). Yet I fear any  kind of closeness with anyone so have no friends only acquaintances my life will only go down hill with age. I never had sex either on my birthday I get no calls or cards from anyone. I have nothing to share with anyone anymore and part of it is my fault always finding reasons to dislike people or be judgmental because of jealously, I am a bitter lonely asshole more devoid of empathy then my father who abused me. I came on here to post because I feel trapped in my situation I just can't get over my fears of intimacy so find reasons to reject everyone 

It is better to be ugly on the outside then the inside like me and end up completely alone with you not giving a shit about anyone else, and no one else giving a shit about you. 

 

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23 hours ago, scienceguy said:

If it makes you feel better im not ugly and no one gives a shit about me, atleast if I was ugly I could blame not being able to build relationships with women on that. Instead of me being a mentally ****ed up person that can't maintain relationships with anyone. I see guys way uglier then me with women and it makes me feel like shit.

I know if I tried harder didn't fear rejection and or commitment I could have dated tons of women by my age(28). Yet I fear any  kind of closeness with anyone so have no friends only acquaintances my life will only go down hill with age. I never had sex either on my birthday I get no calls or cards from anyone. I have nothing to share with anyone anymore and part of it is my fault always finding reasons to dislike people or be judgmental because of jealously, I am a bitter lonely asshole more devoid of empathy then my father who abused me. I came on here to post because I feel trapped in my situation I just can't get over my fears of intimacy so find reasons to reject everyone 

It is better to be ugly on the outside then the inside like me and end up completely alone with you not giving a shit about anyone else, and no one else giving a shit about you. 

 

I could have literally wrote 80% of this post word for word. It sucks being alone but being so ****ed up pretty much doesn’t allow me to be with anyone.

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It has nothing to do with looks.  I'm not ugly.  I'm just a complete disaster.  The days I am confident and put on a show for the world I see people interested in me but after a conversation with me they run for the hills because I'm the wackiest person they have ever talked to.

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On 2/24/2019 at 7:38 AM, desperateloser said:

It's over.

Desperateloser, my heart goes out to you. I know the kind of pain you’re in. I know it like the very back of my hand. When you look in the mirror and detest what you see, and wonder “why me?” it just crushes your soul. You see how everyone else has it easier. They’re at least acceptable looking, and people accept them.

Bud, I’ve got the exact same problem as you, being ugly. I was born with a severe case of pectus excavatum. My body is one effed up looking pile of garbage. I’ve actually got several deformities. I’ve never had a girlfriend and still a virgin at age 28. So trust me I get your pain.

I know that I’ve been able to cope with it more by living alone on my rural land and doing hard work all day every day. I know this is not possible for most people, but maybe if you think you can’t succeed in normal life, you can detach from it somehow? I know that I very much enjoy the escapist life. But then again it’s easy for me because I hate people. Maybe it’s not for you though. Just a suggestion. But know you’re not alone.

Edited by IShouldLike
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On 2/25/2019 at 4:14 AM, RichW said:

There's nothing true about that at all. Nobody's worth is based purely on their appearance and in any case there's no such thing as a unifined attractiveness, different people are attracted to different things, physical features, personal characteristics, shared interests etc etc etc - you must know that yourself? There's nothing black and white, cut and dry about human relationships at all.

I’m sorry, I promise I’m not trying to antagonize or anything like that, but this is just not even remotely true whatsoever. I would love to tell the OP something positive and uplifting like this, but he needs to be told the truth. 

The truth is we’re born with a set of biological imperatives that are hardwired into us by evolution, and mating preferences are an evolved thing. It is a fact that women are hardwired by evolution to prefer particular traits in men, as they are signs of high testosterone, and are therefore good predictors of resources and a strong mate. These traits include a strong jawline, broad shoulders, and an alpha personality. So yes, you do have to be a handsome man to get a quality woman. There is no exception to this rule.

That’s not to say that ugly men cannot get women, but it won’t be what is considered by men to be an attractive or desirable woman. Men also have inborn biological imperatives when choosing women too. They overwhelmingly prefer the hourglass figure because it is a sign of health and fertility, and the ability to successfully bear children. Survival in evolutionary terms has a lot to do with mating success, and these mating preferences are hardwired into us because survival meant seeking out the mates most likely to produce viable and successful offspring. Therefore our preferences became cemented into our brains.

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2 hours ago, IShouldLike said:

Desperateloser, my heart goes out to you. I know the kind of pain you’re in. I know it like the very back of my hand. When you look in the mirror and detest what you see, and wonder “why me?” it just crushes your soul. You see how everyone else has it easier. They’re at least acceptable looking, and people accept them.

Bud, I’ve got the exact same problem as you, being ugly. I was born with a severe case of pectus excavatum. My body is one effed up looking pile of garbage. I’ve actually got several deformities. I’ve never had a girlfriend and still a virgin at age 28. So trust me I get your pain.

I know that I’ve been able to cope with it more by living alone on my rural land and doing hard work all day every day. I know this is not possible for most people, but maybe if you think you can’t succeed in normal life, you can detach from it somehow? I know that I very much enjoy the escapist life. But then again it’s easy for me because I hate people. Maybe it’s not for you though. Just a suggestion. But know you’re not alone.

That's a broad brush you're painting with, and all due respect, it's not fair of you to assume that you have it easier. Imagine hearing, "your pain isn't relevant because you're pretty" all your life. Think it might make you feel unimportant? Like your needs and feelings don't matter? I dunno. Sounds pretty lonely to me... 😉 

I am what I am
I am 32 flavors and then some
God help you if you are an ugly
Course too pretty is also your doom
'Cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room

-Ani Difranco

 

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I think even "beautiful" people can be ugly because some of them have a cold heart and they treat people like sh--...Looks aren't everything, I usually go for a man with a great personality, kind heart and is important to me if a man is smart as well--If the man happens to be attractive, then that is a bonus..looks are just not very important to me..8-]] 

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3 hours ago, Paris43 said:

I think even "beautiful" people can be ugly because some of them have a cold heart and they treat people like sh--...Looks aren't everything, I usually go for a man with a great personality, kind heart and is important to me if a man is smart as well--If the man happens to be attractive, then that is a bonus..looks are just not very important to me..8-]] 

I agree. Most important thing for me if I were looking for a relationship with anyone would be compatibility and how that person treats other people. Even if a person is drop dead gorgeous, if our personalities don't mix well or they're a total a**hole....it's a no from me! :no:

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19 hours ago, IShouldLike said:

I’m sorry, I promise I’m not trying to antagonize or anything like that, but this is just not even remotely true whatsoever. I would love to tell the OP something positive and uplifting like this, but he needs to be told the truth. 

The truth is we’re born with a set of biological imperatives that are hardwired into us by evolution, and mating preferences are an evolved thing. It is a fact that women are hardwired by evolution to prefer particular traits in men, as they are signs of high testosterone, and are therefore good predictors of resources and a strong mate. These traits include a strong jawline, broad shoulders, and an alpha personality. So yes, you do have to be a handsome man to get a quality woman. There is no exception to this rule.

That’s not to say that ugly men cannot get women, but it won’t be what is considered by men to be an attractive or desirable woman. Men also have inborn biological imperatives when choosing women too. They overwhelmingly prefer the hourglass figure because it is a sign of health and fertility, and the ability to successfully bear children. Survival in evolutionary terms has a lot to do with mating success, and these mating preferences are hardwired into us because survival meant seeking out the mates most likely to produce viable and successful offspring. Therefore our preferences became cemented into our brains.

Quite takenaback by you saying that there's no truth whatsoever in different people finding different things attractive - that's a cold hard fact. How much evidence do you need?

If it's such a concrete fact that women are "hardwired by evolution to prefer particular traits in men", why do lesbians exist? Why do men who don't have the strong jawline, broad shoulders and alpha personality still exist after thousands of years? Surely they'd have been wiped out by now. Handsome and ugly are both subjective. Sure there'll be people and traits I consider attractive that you don't and visa versa. How do people have different tastes and fetishes? There's nothing absolute about any of it. 

Edited by RichW
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Yes , there may be a general accepted notion of what’s attractive. But couples pair up all over the attraction spectrum. Strength of character in people is the most attractive thing. Strength and self belief. You may not have a choice in your genetics, but you have a say in how hard you work on yourself and improving. The video of the man emphasizes one thing to me. He has very little self belief. He sees himself as the world sees him. I hope everyone who feels like him, realizes, that by believing in yourself, you can change what the world thinks of you. Success in whatever form is attractive. 

 

In summary, genetic physical attractiveness is overrated. You can groom yourself, be active and fit, and most importantly have relentless self belief and give yourself reasons to think that you are strong. Easier said than done, but despite all my losses, I think it’s given me a good shot at a happy life

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There is no version of myself that people in real life like it's that simple.  No matter what I do it's over.  I wish I would just die and get it over with at this point.  I will be like grandpa.  I will be angry and bitter until the day someone tells me for sure I'm going to die and then I will smile because I know this is finally over!

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14 hours ago, RichW said:

Quite takenaback by you saying that there's no truth whatsoever in different people finding different things attractive - that's a cold hard fact. How much evidence do you need?

If it's such a concrete fact that women are "hardwired by evolution to prefer particular traits in men", why do lesbians exist? Why do men who don't have the strong jawline, broad shoulders and alpha personality still exist after thousands of years? Surely they'd have been wiped out by now. Handsome and ugly are both subjective. Sure there'll be people and traits I consider attractive that you don't and visa versa. How do people have different tastes and fetishes? There's nothing absolute about any of it. 

I think both of you are correct. The apparent disagreement can be explained by genetics as well. Some traits are universal, as when someone is "everyone's type," but it's also a question of a genetic match. Seemingly unattractive people may complement each other genetically to produce superior offspring, making them both feel a deep, special attraction and love when the biology translates to human terms.

Unfortunately, this has a flip side as well, as when apparently good-looking people can't find anyone. Potential partners may be subconsciously turned off by perceived genetic defects, limitations, or simply the lack of a match. I believe this goes a long way towards explaining the experiences of at least some "incel" people, many of whom are considered just fine in terms of looks, but who seem utterly unable to find anyone.

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We attract people like us and we are attracted to people who are like us, not only in terms of looks but also in terms of personality and character. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we would want to be with someone whom we are comfortable with, and we are most comfortable with people who are the same as us.

You may be “ugly” but if you find someone who likes your personality and character, or if you find someone who is “ugly” like you and is thus comfortable being around you, you will still manage to find love. 

And even when you find love, you’ll also find another set of problems. Most people want to find love, but not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings, the emotional psychodrama to get there. 

Love is like a never ending war to me. 

Just know that you are not alone. Being single can be awesome too. You can do more, travel, explore, build a better you, do what you want when you want, more time with family and friends. Less arguments, more freedom, no need to lose money on flowers, stuff toy and chocolates, no jealousy when she talks to other guys, more money to spend on yourself.. so just try to enjoy your single life for now.. as difficult as it may be..hopefully you’ll find your match soon.

It won’t be easy, but we are always here for you to vent your frustrations. 

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