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HopeBoi

Why do I keep running away from it

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I have had anxiety and depression for about 3 years now, basically started 9th grade and lasts till now. I moved and lost my old life, could not cope with it but somehow made new friends, moved again, and the rest is history. 

I am in the 4th highschool of my high school "career". And well, I just realized how I have a habit of running away from bad thoughts/ suppressing them. I have developed various obsessions that I am convinced that if I solve, will make me all better. Once I either get used to them or end up solving them, I get another obsession.

My obsessions delve around existential crisis, like "if we are going to die, whats the point", and my current obsession, "if we are living through 1st person and we know for a fact others perceive us a whole lot different than we are, then do we perceive everyone around us wrong?" and I spend hours a day ruminating and trying to solve these obsessions. I even had one which was about biology- "If emotions are just neurotransmitters and hormones, and hormones dictate personality to some level, then what is a human? What are emotions? Are we just....things just going through motions, like how are we different from a rock we are just matter".

I have had 6 of those obsessions. In addition, I realized that I will never be as happy as I was in my home town. The demographics, the city, the air, the vibe, the buildings, the....people....all was perfect. Everyday was pure, magical. I really do think that I was unique, I had quite a polar personality and really attracted people because I loved life and had 0 social anxiety. Now, I am a wreck. I do nothing all day but school and work, and have been for the past 2 years. 

I have always put away this thought, and whenever I get a negetive thought or regret moving, i research weight training videos because my delusion is that the more attractive I become, the more I will get friends and get back my life. I put away so many of these negetive thoughts, and one night a month or 2 months I accept my dark side, and cry my eyes out. For hours. The next morning I am like "well that happened, what an idiot" and get back to weight training videos, social skills videos, etc etc and envision myself having friends, having fun, being rich, just because I will become somewhat muscular.

Oh, and I have also developed obsessions with my body. I am overly obsessed with my asymetrical face, partly because after moving I did nothing but what tv, and slept on one side of my face for a whole lot of time, and chewed food only on one side because of my warped jaws. I am obsessed, and cant stop noticing my asymetry. I feel inferior, I feel like shit, even though I know its barely noticeable.

I just felt like getting some stuff out. Please do  comment whatever comes to your mind.

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On 2/19/2019 at 1:39 AM, HopeBoi said:

whenever I get a negetive thought or regret moving, i research weight training videos because my delusion is that the more attractive I become, the more I will get friends and get back my life.

on the surface, there is nothing specifically negative about this thought. you're not wrong? the more in shape you are, the better you will feel. the more attractive you are, the more confident you will be and it will allow you engage in social encounters more easily.

but...are you actually following through with this, or simply watching the videos without taking action?

for what it's worth, those "obsessions" you talk about are some really deep philosophical questions. it sounds like your a very prolific thinker! there is nothing wrong with that. are you writing down your thoughts? you should! FYI, an obsession isn't necessarily negative either. it only becomes negative when those thoughts prevent you from regulating your day-to-day life.

the other thing i can say with certainty is that high school can be very discouraging for many types of people. things get MUCH better when you become an adult, go to college, etc. trust me 🙂 

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I had the same thought that @sleepystupid has regarding your "obsessions." You are really thinking outside of the box and that can be very powerful and allow you to see behind the bullshit of our world. High school is a really difficult time and in no way resembles the real world. What most high schoolers worry about and think about probably seems kinda dumb and pointless to you. I know that it always seemed kinda pointless to me when I was that age (wow, well I sound really old there). I would definetly consider writing these thoughts down somewhere, weather that is a blog, a diary or notebook or just in a special place on your phone or computer. I use the memo function on my phone when those thoughts come to my mind - and it is really interesting to look back at the things I thought and how my perspective on them might be different now. You may find that when you get beyond the hell that is high school - you will find your people (or your tribe) and things will change. Until then - hang in there and we are here for you.

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You could possibly have body dysmporphic disorder. It involves obsessive thinking over minor or imaginary physical flaws. I struggled intensely with the same issue in the two years following my high school graduation. 

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I'm sorry you've been going through this kinda stress.  If you'll permit an old fart's perspective, this is a particularly lousy time in your life to have to endure this.  Your mind/body have already been going through enough changes without this additional sh#t, like all the moves.  fwiw, so many moves in a short period are stressful for anyone.  Good lord, of course you want your old life back!

Sounds like you don't even have a chance to come to grips with one loss before you're thrown into another upheaval.  I really hope things calm down for you.  And, yeah, of course you'll have tears.  Good.  Get 'em out of your system when you need to.

I realize it may not be much comfort, but I'll go with @JessiesMom on this.  Her points and perspective are dead on.

imo, good that you're interested in the videos.  You don't necessarily need to do anything about 'em today.  But you're laying the groundwork in your mind to make changes, as you're able.  It's ok to go easy on yourself.  Keep us posted on how you're doing.

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Sorry you’re going through this.  I would encourage you to consider reading the book brain lock by Jeffrey Schwartz it’s about obsessive thinking and ocd. Very insightful. It really helped me to learn how to redirect my thoughts when I’m ruminating . 

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As others have said, these thoughts alone are not wrong. It's pretty deep stuff and things people have long asked (and mostly don't have answers to). But if they are obsessive then that is a problem. Any thought, good or bad, that becomes obsessive reflects a problem. OCD was also a thought i considered.

I would not attempt to take action on anything until you can get an official diagnosis, though. No one here can give you any sort of accurate diagnosis and therefore not wisely or knowledgeably advise you on what to do. Merely guide you to possibilities to have looked into under the right conditions by the right people.

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