I want to end my life

rsk · February 17, 2019

Hi everyone,

Today, for the first time in my life I seriously considered suicide. I had never done so before, sometimes I just joked around saying things like “oh shoot me” or “just end me now”, but it’s only now that I realise that it’s been no longer a joke for a while. My sister said today that I only “make her miserable and ruin her life”, my brother said that I’m a “bad sister” and my parents think I’m an embarassment to this family. And honestly? They are right.

You might read this and think I’m an exaggerated idiot, but this episode is only what pushed me over the edge.

My family loves me, I have great friends, good health and I’m financially stable. So why do I want to **** myself?

I don’t want to die because I hate life, I LOVE life, I love what I’m studying and I’m full of projects and dreams to make come true. But the thing is, what’s the point in doing anything of all of this if it brings pain and sadness to my family? I know they love me and I know they would mourn me and be sad for a while, but I’m sure they would heal, move on with their lives and in the end be thankful to me for making their lives easier by disappearing once and for all.

I’m really really scared. I never had such dark thoughts before; I even traced out different plans on how to end my life!!! And I can’t talk about this with anyone I know because I would jut make them feel even worse with all my depressing nonsense than I already am by being alive.

Sorry for this buzzkill post, but I needed to share this with someone, even if it’s random people on the interntet.

Edited February 17, 2019 by rsk

Oscar K · February 17, 2019

Welcome friend to our forum family.

We aren't " random people " on the internet .

We are here to help each other out of the depression darkness.

Please make yourself at home with us.

We have awesome members who will listen and help as best we can.

Stick with us and of course stick with yourself.

Oscar

Tearz · February 17, 2019

Hello rsk, I am so glad you decided to reach out instead of the permanent alternative. Because we never see things clearly in the midst of a depressive episode, I sincerely urge you to find the post which mentions if you are suicidal right now. There is an 800 number to call, which will put you in touch with someone who can give you a real person to speak with and resources which may be immediately available in your local area. Please do not wait, I urge you to call today, right now. I promise they are there to help. Check back in with us also, as I for one am so grateful that you are on this planet and still valiantly fighting against that bastard demon of darkness. Please let us know about you. We care a lot.

Tearz · February 17, 2019

1-800-273-TALK.

SleelingAtLast · February 18, 2019

This is the place for you,and we may be random people but behind the screen know that there is a real human being, taking the time to listen carefully and help talk with you about your problems bc we are here bc we care. I'm sorry you've experienced this thought,I wouldn't speak on this unless I've had experience in the matter and alot of it trust me. The truth is that you are worth more than the value you are given,you mustn't let the opinions of others define your mindstate. There is no standard to uphold here...for a mother and father to treat you as if you are "not enough" or a disappointment is terrible. I know you will feel an obligation to uphold their ideals but your life is yours to live...and you should live it,as long as you do not hurt anyone in the process then why not. Perhaps you could try a few "good deeds" to people here or there in daily life...I've felt the effects of this. It makes you feel like you matter again and it's just evidence for something that is true but we as what we are...cannot see easily. My advice here...don't do anything like that,yes it would hurt your family and friends and tbh they will "get better" in years to come but never truely recover from your loss,but this matter is about YOU and how YOU feel and why YOU feel this way. Don't feel shameful for these terrible thoughts bc they mean you have heart,and that you are a sentient being that feels love,compassion and hurt. That's something to be proud of...spend some time to find yourself over a period of time...try to at least gain these three things

Something to do. Something to look forward to. And someone to love.

Mind you, someone to love doesn't mean "romantic" necessarily but just another to share your thoughts with. It's ok to have these thoughts though,just don't act on them...it's a tragic undefinable thing that can only destroy everything and everyone involved.... we're here for you when you need us,you just pop in and share anything you like and we can talk about whatever and whenever...

This place is a sanctuary for those in need of help, compassion and friendship...

I hope I have helped you at least some and if you decide to stay,from us all...I say welcome and if you need us we're here anytime

littlestarsmum · February 18, 2019

Welcome aboard, rsk.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I appreciate your willingness to connect with us here. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Your life is precious no matter what issues you’re facing. Suicide is not the answer to life’s problems. Such a decision would be tragic beyond words. Have you tried contacting the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline? They operate toll-free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Just call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Remember that you deserve to feel better and you don’t need to carry your burdens alone. You can always come here to share, and we’re all here to support you. Sending hugs & prayers your way!

rsk · February 18, 2019

6 hours ago, Oscar K said:

Welcome friend to our forum family.

We aren't " random people " on the internet .

We are here to help each other out of the depression darkness.

Please make yourself at home with us.

We have awesome members who will listen and help as best we can.

Stick with us and of course stick with yourself.

Oscar

Thank you so much

rsk · February 18, 2019

6 hours ago, Tearz said:

Hello rsk, I am so glad you decided to reach out instead of the permanent alternative. Because we never see things clearly in the midst of a depressive episode, I sincerely urge you to find the post which mentions if you are suicidal right now. There is an 800 number to call, which will put you in touch with someone who can give you a real person to speak with and resources which may be immediately available in your local area. Please do not wait, I urge you to call today, right now. I promise they are there to help. Check back in with us also, as I for one am so grateful that you are on this planet and still valiantly fighting against that bastard demon of darkness. Please let us know about you. We care a lot.

Thank you so much for writing, I’ll call once I get back home. Thank you

rsk · February 18, 2019

5 hours ago, SleelingAtLast said:

This is the place for you,and we may be random people but behind the screen know that there is a real human being, taking the time to listen carefully and help talk with you about your problems bc we are here bc we care. I'm sorry you've experienced this thought,I wouldn't speak on this unless I've had experience in the matter and alot of it trust me. The truth is that you are worth more than the value you are given,you mustn't let the opinions of others define your mindstate. There is no standard to uphold here...for a mother and father to treat you as if you are "not enough" or a disappointment is terrible. I know you will feel an obligation to uphold their ideals but your life is yours to live...and you should live it,as long as you do not hurt anyone in the process then why not. Perhaps you could try a few "good deeds" to people here or there in daily life...I've felt the effects of this. It makes you feel like you matter again and it's just evidence for something that is true but we as what we are...cannot see easily. My advice here...don't do anything like that,yes it would hurt your family and friends and tbh they will "get better" in years to come but never truely recover from your loss,but this matter is about YOU and how YOU feel and why YOU feel this way. Don't feel shameful for these terrible thoughts bc they mean you have heart,and that you are a sentient being that feels love,compassion and hurt. That's something to be proud of...spend some time to find yourself over a period of time...try to at least gain these three things

Something to do. Something to look forward to. And someone to love.

Mind you, someone to love doesn't mean "romantic" necessarily but just another to share your thoughts with. It's ok to have these thoughts though,just don't act on them...it's a tragic undefinable thing that can only destroy everything and everyone involved.... we're here for you when you need us,you just pop in and share anything you like and we can talk about whatever and whenever...

This place is a sanctuary for those in need of help, compassion and friendship...

I hope I have helped you at least some and if you decide to stay,from us all...I say welcome and if you need us we're here anytime

Thank you so so so much. I’ll try to do as you say: find something to do, something to look foward to and someone to love. You have no idea how much your words mean to me right now. Thank you

rsk · February 18, 2019

3 hours ago, littlestarsmum said:

Welcome aboard, rsk.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I appreciate your willingness to connect with us here. Please don’t be hard on yourself. Your life is precious no matter what issues you’re facing. Suicide is not the answer to life’s problems. Such a decision would be tragic beyond words. Have you tried contacting the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline? They operate toll-free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Just call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Remember that you deserve to feel better and you don’t need to carry your burdens alone. You can always come here to share, and we’re all here to support you. Sending hugs & prayers your way!

Thank you for writing, I’ll call when I get home.

**Epictetus** · February 18, 2019

Hi rsk,

I also want to welcome you to these Forums. I am so very sorry you are feeling so poorly. Sadly, I cannot offer any better words than those already written to you by others here.

I do want to share something with you that I've learned from being here on the Forums for over 6 years.

Many, many people have told me that posts like the one you wrote have not only helped them feel less isolated and alone with their own personal anguish and pain, but have actually saved their lives.

I was surprised by this at first since I assumed that only those offering advice to others saved lives. But I have received so many messages from people who have told me that just sincere and heartfelt posts [like yours] have literally saved their lives. And I have experienced that myself.

So to me, you are a great person.

There was a man named Oskar Schindler who had family problems. But he rose above these by saving lives.

Saving a life is one of the greatest, if not the greatest thing a person can accomplish in life and I know your post will save lives.

There is an old saying that goes: "Whoever helps saves a human life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world." So I see you differently than your family does. I see you as a hero and can only look up to you and feel lucky to have met you.

Please do not do anything to harm yourself. It would be a profound loss to us and to the universe!

I hope you will post again. Your posts will help so many people, especially me! It is an honor and privilege to have met you ! ! !

- epictetus

rsk · February 18, 2019

27 minutes ago, Epictetus said:

Hi rsk,

    I also want to welcome you to these Forums. I am so very sorry you are feeling so poorly. Sadly, I cannot offer any better words than those already written to you by others here.

     I do want to share something with you that I've learned from being here on the Forums for over 6 years.

    Many, many people have told me that posts like the one you wrote have not only helped them feel less isolated and alone with their own personal anguish and pain, but have actually saved their lives.

   I was surprised by this at first since I assumed that only those offering advice to others saved lives. But I have received so many messages from people who have told me that just sincere and heartfelt posts [like yours] have literally saved their lives. And I have experienced that myself.

     So to me, you are a great person.

   There was a man named Oskar Schindler who had family problems. But he rose above these by saving lives.

     Saving a life is one of the greatest, if not the greatest thing a person can accomplish in life and I know your post will save lives.

There is an old saying that goes: "Whoever helps saves a human life, it is as if that person had saved the entire world." So I see you differently than your family does. I see you as a hero and can only look up to you and feel lucky to have met you.

     Please do not do anything to harm yourself. It would be a profound loss to us and to the universe!

     I hope you will post again. Your posts will help so many people, especially me! It is an honor and privilege to have met you ! ! !

- epictetus

Thank you so much for your kind words. You have no idea how nice it is to hear something nice about myself for a change. Thank you for reaching out

rsk · February 18, 2019

Edited February 18, 2019 by rsk

rsk · February 18, 2019

On 2/17/2019 at 3:11 PM, rsk said:

Hi everyone,

Today, for the first time in my life I seriously considered suicide. I had never done so before, sometimes I just joked around saying things like “oh shoot me” or “just end me now”, but it’s only now that I realise that it’s been no longer a joke for a while. My sister said today that I only “make her miserable and ruin her life”, my brother said that I’m a “bad sister” and my parents think I’m an embarassment to this family. And honestly? They are right.

You might read this and think I’m an exaggerated idiot, but this episode is only what pushed me over the edge.

My family loves me, I have great friends, good health and I’m financially stable. So why do I want to **** myself?

I don’t want to die because I hate life, I LOVE life, I love what I’m studying and I’m full of projects and dreams to make come true. But the thing is, what’s the point in doing anything of all of this if it brings pain and sadness to my family? I know they love me and I know they would mourn me and be sad for a while, but I’m sure they would heal, move on with their lives and in the end be thankful to me for making their lives easier by disappearing once and for all.

I’m really really scared. I never had such dark thoughts before; I even traced out different plans on how to end my life!!! And I can’t talk about this with anyone I know because I would jut make them feel even worse with all my depressing nonsense than I already am by being alive.

Sorry for this buzzkill post, but I needed to share this with someone, even if it’s random people on the interntet.

UPDATE!

Hi everyone,

It’s been a very very intense, emotionaly draining day and I want nothing more than going to bed but I feel like I owe you an update on my situation since I already threw all of my sadness your way, might as well now give you some good news.

Thank you so so so so much for all of your kind words, encouragement and advice. I took this day for myself and called the number of the hotline you gave me but it told me it’s only for people from Australia. Notwithstanding, it inspired me to look for my country’s own suicide hotline(which I didn’t know existed in my country) and had a great talk with one of the professionals that volunteer there that lasted for like two hours. They helped me realize that although my pain is very valid, ending my life would be a cowardly move, the easy way out, and I might be a lot of things but I for sure ain’t a coward. I need to face my problems head on. Ending my life it’s just a way from running from troubble, and it won’t actually solve everything; it would only lesve behind sorrow and unresolved problems for the rest of eternity.

After that enlightning chat I just layed in bed for a while listening to music and googling songs that matched my gloomy/reflective mood. During that time I found a Tim McGraw song called “**** myself” (I know that when I post this the name will seem very odd because of the dots that will appear instead of the word), and I thought it perfectly matched my mood. As I listened to the lyrics something clicked. The song didn’t talk about him actually physicaly commiting suicide but of getting rid of his old self, his worst version and to become a more worthwhile human being.

And this is what I want to do with my life. I’ll try my damn hardest to be the best version of myself and to bring more light into the world because God knows I can’t do that if I’m dead; I can’t help people if I’m dead, I can’t contribute to society if I’m dead, I can’t be there for my family and friends if I’m dead and I can’t follow my dreams if I’m dead.

Another thing I listened to today was a beautiful poem about suicide that it honestly made me cry. I never heard a poem so strong, inspiring and beautiful before. It really helped me and I’m sure it will be useful for anyone going through what I’m going through.

One of you guys told me that I should work on finding something to do, something to look foward to and someone to love. I found this advice truly helpful and I’m really trying to do it. I even wrote a list with several items under each category.

I wouldn’t have made this progress today without your help and your kind words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. Honestly, the most inspiring and uplifting thing that happened today was not getting your lovely answers to my post but just the mere fact of learning that there are more people out there in the same situation as I am or that where in the same situation who are willing to take some time of their day in order to help strangers facing the same struggles they are facing or used to face.

Of course that the progress I made today doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly happy and purposeful, I know that I still have a long way to go until I heal, that I have a lot of pending conversations to have with those closest to me (eventhough they’ll suck) and some many more tears to shed until I can get this ugly demon that is depression out of my heart and head.

It will be hard. I know that. But eventhough the road ahead I see right now might not be very smooth and sunny, at least now I can see a road to follow. An ugly path is better than no path at all.

I’m sure the sun will shine for me again. After each storm the sun always returns, so why would it be any different for me? It’s only natural for the sun to return once the storm passes. I just have to hold on until it does.

TRIGGER WARNING - POSSIBLE TRIGGERING VIDEOS

'K*ll Myself' Tim McGraw - YouTube

'Please Don't K*ll Yourself' Spoken Word - YouTube

Edited February 20, 2019 by 20YearsandCounting
remove YouTube links to songs @ or discouraging suicide

rsk · February 18, 2019