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Scared and need to reach out

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I'm new here and hoping that talking to others may help. I went through a series of traumas and ended up with severe insomnia, depression and anxiety. I am into nutrition and natural medicine so taking medication is very difficult for me. I've been given many different meds and only had severe side effects. Recently started on mirtazapine, 15 mg. This will be my third night. Read everything here about it.  I panic all day debating whether to take it or not. So afraid to get dependant on another medication but I am so desperate. Benzos are the only thing that has helped so far but I'm developing a tolerance. I'm asking for support and reassurance in regards to this medication. 

It calms me but so far, does not help me sleep or nap. I have less anxiety for the first part of the day then the anxiety starts creeping back in with panic attacks especially when I try to nap. At night I end up taking temazapam, 15 mg, at least twice just to get a few hours of sleep. 

I'm just so tired but at least I'm calm at night on the mirt. I've lost weight due to anxiety and the mirt has allowed me to eat a little. I'm very malnourished.

Please don't tell me the negative aspects of this med. I've read up on it. I'm just so afraid to become dependant on it and afraid of gaining to much weight. I'm not having any side effects so far other than not being able to fall asleep without benzos. Before Mirt, I could sometimes sleep a bit on my own at the beginning of the night.

I tried a half of tablet, 7.5mg last night and feel a lot more anxious today.

I just don't know what to do. I've exhausted natural medicine so medication is my last resort.

Please talk with me. I'm just so scared. Thank you so very much.

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Hi Wirebutttired,

     I only just saw the post you made three hours ago.  How are you doing?

     I am currently Buspirone for anxiety and Clonazepam for breakthrough panic attacks.  For sleep, I am on Trazadone.  Sorry I do not have any personal experience with Mirtazapine.  The medicines I take have helped me so much.  I am currently 64 years old.  I recently learned that Trazadone was found to prevent and reverse Alzheimer's disease in some animal studies.  I sure hope the Mirtazapine helps you a lot.   I am on Citalopram for depression.  Medications have saved my life.  If you want to communicate with me, I will be online here on the Forums for awhile.    - epictetus

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I've noticed that you are there for a lot of people on this forum and I think that is wonderful. Thank you for being there for me as well. I hope that I can somehow help you.

I tried trazadone but it made me feel very Ill. I recently had a genetic test that shows what meds that you will react to so that was very helpful.

I finally slept last night. I don't know if it was because of the medication or Phosphatidylserine but I will keep taking both.  Clonzapam helped for a long time but I developed a tolerance. I'm on one mg of lorazepam per day and it helps a little with the anxiety. I'm feeling very anxious this morning.  Other mornings on the Remeron, I had less anxiety so I don't know why that has changed.

I just can't imagine living this way. I keep searching out natural means to rebalance my chemistry and provide healing but they are very expensive. I've thought many times about just giving up...just stop eating. Most days I spend in bed with a pillow over my head. I'm about to start another program with epsce.com. The owner and inventor of this company did extensive Labs on me and was able to explain the physical components that are contributing to my symptoms.

I long for my old self...creative, energetic, a healing practitioner. A life with purpose and meaning.

This, the way that I am, makes me feel like such a failure, a burden. I dread every minute whereas the real me used to have such a passion for life. 

I feel so sad for everyone going through this. 

It's nice to have someone to talk to. I hope that you and others will continue to communicate with me.

Thank you so much.


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Hi @wiredbuttiredI have been on remeron for 6 months for the second time now. At my worst I have had panick attacks, night terrors with panicked attacks upon waking and severe insomnia. Remeron helped with them. I am now coming off since I am fully functioning. Currently on 7.5mg.


How are you feeling ? Feel free to DM me.


mirtbuddy 🙂

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Hi Markovcred,

Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm glad that Remeron helped you. May I as how you were able to become fully functional again? That's my goal but I just can't visualize how to get there.

I've been on Remeron for about two weeks with some improvement in sleep but was still having significant anxiety. 

I saw a psychiatrist and she believes that a lot of my issues are due to benzos so she will be slowly weaning me off.

 She added Quietiapine and I have been sleeping soundly every night. I have less anxiety as well. The only side effects seem to be blood sugar issues in the afternoon that are very uncomfortable.

I'm happy to be sleeping and a little more functional but still feel torn and guilty about taking these toxic medications.

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@wiredbuttired I don't have all the answers. I can share what has worked for me and well as define "fully functioning".  I am no where near the place I want to be, but I have definitely improved over the years. The below looks like an essay now that I typed it out, but I felt a more comprehensive background may help put things in perspective. So often I see feedback online (Reddit, forums, etc.) and the person responding fails to mention pertinent details. 

I can relate to the feeling of "guilt" for taking medications. But, I realized that guilt for me was actually some false-pride saying "You dont need meds; you should be able to do this on your own; you are weak!" My inner critic is so harsh sometimes 😕 

By way of background, I am male late 20s and have suffered from anxiety and depression for the last 6 years. A few major life events occurred at the same time and sent me spinning into self-pity, fear, resentment and a deep depression. I have always had weird thoughts of suicide but never acted on them. I have always felt like the weird person in every group I have been apart of and I don't feel like I fit in anywhere (Except for my support group). I have taken Prozac, Ativan, Remeron, Trazodone, Ambien, as well as addictions to weed, ecstasy, alcohol and cigarettes (roughly 5 yrs each for the recreational drugs; the meds I took between 1 month and 7 months).

I am taking Remeron for the second time to cope with stress and sleep issues since I have been working a full time job and going to school full time. I am now done with school and coming off because I want to be myself again; not this placated, numbed out version of me. Remeron did wonders for my sleep but like all medications, I just have to come off. I'll spare you the side effects since you already read up on them.

Here is what has worked for me:

1. Support Group: I found a support group that I attend and serve at locally once per week; I share my deepest, darkest secrets with the support group and I have found unconditional love and support for the first time in my life. I just simply couldn't connect with my parents, old friends or co-workers about these issues; support group for me was an eye opener. The support group opened my eyes to spiritual & emotional health and a loving higher power. 

2. Connection:  I still really suck at this but I am getting better. I am on the phone with people in my support group daily or every other day. I also have found a few close connections with people I can trust. This is an area with the most benefit for me; I have a long way to go.  

3. Therapy: Still exploring this arena . I feel like talk therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be a trap; it just makes me feel better about the crappy things I think and do. I do feel better with my current therapist and have been seeing him weekly for 6 weeks. Someone recommended EMDR therapy so I might give that a try in the coming months.

4. Healthy Work Environment: I found through experience that an unhealthy workplace can reek havoc for addicts like myself and a healthy workplace can be great for my self-confidence and recovery. For years I was sitting in a "toxic" environment that led me into the worst insomnia of my life. I was sleeping 1-2 hours a night except Saturday nights I would sleep from 9pm to 11am the next day to "catch up."

5. Boundaries: I had to cut off relationships and people that were shitting all over me. I needed to start saying "No, I don't want to go to that event" or "No, I won't tolerate you talking to me this way."  For years, I was a professional and social doormat. I am not saying we need to be ruthless, but I needed to take a stand for me and define myself. I have a t-shirt of Grump Cat and it just shows his face and a big "NO" on it. 

I am relatively "Fully functioning" now relative to  feeling disabled for years with the insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks and depression. Fully functioning for me is being able to sleep at night for at least 5 hours; go to a social event and not have a panic attack or feel like I am having a heart attack; carry on a conversation with someone and be able to be present and experience emotions (laugh, gasp, chuckle, crack a joke, etc.); and lastly be able to perform or speak publicly without crippling anxiety. 



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