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Greetings, fair (potential) Bean Sídhe's

At last (maybe) I found a place to discuss and vent my feelings..

I don't know if I'm in the right forum (or sub-forum) yet, but I'm hoping someone can direct me t'wards the correct one if not.

I'm 35 years old now, and I found my 2.5 older brother in 2011 dead, on the morning afore my birthday, and I still haven't gotten over it.
I could provide you with a longer, more detailed description of everything that occured, but unless someone asks about it, I won't.

I recently found out that I have cancer, and have been in treatment for it for a while, but shortly before completing my first semester of civil engineering found out that it had spread.
I'm really not sure how to feel about it. I mostly want to be with my brother because  I miss him oh-so-very much. I struggle with alcoholic problems on a daily-to-bidaily basis aswell, and while it's bad for the medicin I'm taking, I really don't care much, or even think about it anymore.

If i was to pick between sticking with my mother and seeing my brother again, I would rather sacrifice myself, since I've always been the "black lamb" in the family, and I still feel really strongly about my brother's death, and how I could have prevented it.

I'm still very new to this.. "sharing".. thing, but was told by a psychologist that it might be good to share with third-person-people.

I'm really sorry if this ends in a wrong place.


Kind Regards,

Tina (I spent a few hours on writing this.... and forgot what I chose for a nickname... oh well!)

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Welcome new friend to our forum family. Sorry to hear about your problems.

This is a great place to post your concerns.

We try to be as helpful and supportive as possible.

Keep posting and check out other posts.

You won't be alone with us.


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Hi and welcome to DF!  

You posted in exactly the right forum 🙂   

As Oscar said above you won't be alone here.  You're going through a lot now, and I'm glad you decided to share with us.  Believe it or not there are many here who can relate to what you're feeling now and will do their best to help you or even just listen to what you have to say.  

I hope DF helps you as much as it has helped me for nearly 6 years now.

Take care,


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You're certainly in the right place.  I'm glad you found us, even if the reason, as it is for most of us, is pretty awful.  You're safe here.

I'll add that some of us, like you, are facing life-threatening diseases and have experienced feelings similar to yours.  I've lived with HIV for 26 years and things have gone downhill the past few years despite treatment.  I get where you're coming from.

Tell us more about your situation as you're able.

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I am so terribly sorry about your great loss and the enormous burdens you are carrying, Tina.  Reading your post was just devastatingly heartbreaking and brought me to tears.  I cannot even imagine what you must be going through.  I hope you find these Forums to be of some use to you.  I wish I knew what to say but words fail me when I consider the pain and anguish you must be going through.  My heart goes out to you, Tina.  

- epictetus

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Welcome aboard--Like the others have mentioned, I think you came to the right place--I am so sorry about all your dealing with right now, I hope this website will be helpful to you...is good to talk about things and get different perspectives on things..8-]]

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It took a tremendous amount of courage for you to share yourself. It is so heartbreaking about your brother and your struggles, I'm so sorry. You are definitely in the right place, as we have a special bond here. We live in the abyss, yet we continue the fight to escape its clutches. Please keep coming back, and may light, peace and healing find their way into your shadows. 

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Hello Lyceile,

I too am very sorry to hear of your battle.  And also troubled to hear your cancer has returned.  I hope you're doing everything your body, spirit, and mind will allow to get your cells to slow down.  I was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma of the base of tongue about nine years ago.  The state handbook for disability coverage I was looking over at the time characterized my type and location as a "very poor" prognosis--gotta love those unnecessary intensifiers.  I was stage 3, spread to lymph nodes on one side. 

Took the regular regimen: infusion, radiation, and clean up surgery.  Got a number of late arrival type side effects working on me now, but, I'm o.k.  I don't go for check ups now, I just do the finger scan of armpits, along jaw line etc., and try to keep an eye on myself, so hold off on asking us to start keening for you just yet, we're still rooting.  I certainly don't know the score on how your brother died, but you sound like someone blaming themselves for something they were not actually the cause of.  I think your brother would want you to stay with us as long as you could. 

When in treatment I only had one thing hanging on any of the walls in my small apartment.  It was a blow up of a epithelial cell in the base of tongue area, a healthy one.  I meditated on it twenty minutes a day, saw it making more like itself.  I don't know if it did any good, it was my idea, my medicine, and it relaxed me for twenty minutes a day at the least. 

Do the best you can, as long as you can, or can will.  Like with me, things do happen, and you have to be ready to happen with them. 

I'll be thinking of you, Bulgakov

Edited by Bulgakov
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