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thehope

Fighting inner battle

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I was bullied a lot growing up from which started at age 7. I first had my weight related comment at that age. We were weighed in class and someone said I was biggest.

I was well fed and my mother and grandmother regularly took me to McDonald’s. I had no idea of what I was eating was too much. I ate large meals but ate healthy. I ballooned around age 8/9 and was bullied continuously throughout school to high school. I wore clothing intended for teenagers and adults. I had buttons pop from my pants as well. When I was 9/10 I went to a health camp which made me lose not much at all. They were disappointed. I wasn’t allowed seconds but basically ate the same as others. 

At age 15 I decided on a diet. I ate minimal food and lost weight fast. I can’t state numbers of any sort here so I can’t say how much. One day I gave up and suddenly had a binging episode after about two months. I was at a healthy weight for my height after this diet. But what I did was dangerous. The bullying of my weight stopped. But I still was bullied for other reasons. I forgot to mention a teacher also made me feel bad for my weight. 

I left at age 16 as I couldn’t take it anymore. My self esteem plummeted, my grades and all sense of myself went. I believe my school years destroyed me. 

Weight crept back on over the years and I was overweight. I became obese, I ate whatever I wanted. I tend to gain easily so this was an issue. 

I got abuse shouted from a car twice, laughed at and felt ugly.. ashamed and awful. This went on for years. I felt constantly ashamed of my looks. 

In October 2017 I decided on a diet. I was 25. This was hard and I didn’t understand or could calculate calories. I lost weight but at times felt near to collapse. I thought I was doing ok in my own mind... I didn’t cook but had shakes or basic non cooked food or meals made for me. I find calories difficult to measure and estimate so I go under what it says. I felt a loss of control if I felt I was overindulging and hated myself I couldn’t stop. 

I got to a healthy weight but went back in my mind to get to. I didn’t like being at the exact number of being overweight or normal so made a goal to go a few kgs under that for “safety”. Which was ok. 

It then was my number I was at when I was 15. This is recommend for my height by a dietician. I wasn’t aiming to go under this. This was some time end of last year. I noticed I was sad, mad and annoyed at gaining quick and losing slow. I noticed I was becoming obsessed. 

I cut red meat last year around June but had on relapse (iron fear) once around August. I cut chicken around December. I eat pescatarian now (no dairy except if I have needed it) and no eggs. I became very interested in veganism and no oil, no sugar or chemical eating (extremely hard) 

I  weigh regularly at home and in public I did sometimes and noticed I become underweight. Despite this being a minor worry I felt pleased and super proud, . I also then set a new goal to weigh the same as a kpop Star who has my height. 

Last month I noticed I began vomiting.. I tried a few times to not much avail. I also noticed weakness and body symptoms. I have been under tremendous stress so I think this all has contributes. I went to a respite and noticed I threw away food and hid food. People started noticing. Around this time my mother noticed my ribs were showing and people started making comments. (Around Dec/Jan especially last month) 

i also noticed I was making fasts as compensation if I ate too much thr day before. 

I am not well and hate eating. I’m terrified of calories and have no energy to cook... I hate chopping and peeling. If I do eat I halve a banana, eat nuts, fruit. bread or crackers. I’m scared of calories and I’m terrified of gaining weight. 

Since coming home from the respite about two weeks ago I’ve been in a trance. I’ve been traumatised by the experience I went through with police, my suicide attempt and what went on there. 

I was referred to an eating disorder clinic. 

I am a few kgs under weight. I can’t sleep, I have tingling pains, eye pains, yellow skin, low blood pressure (always been an issue but worse now), headaches, worsened depression, can’t feel much, palpitations, can’t move due to severe fatigue, leg pains (I do take vitamins) and 

I have been forcing myseld to eat but can’t cook so have eaten microwave rice, microwave vege soup, bread, bananas, nuts, dried fruit etc as mentioned before. This makes me feel very guilty. I hate carbs as they add up quick and don’t like eating nuts much due to fat and how quick they add up with calories. Crackers were another staple for me. I felt bad if I overindulged as yesterday I couldn’t stop myself eating raisins. These are carbs and I know anorexics hate carbs and fats but these were easy foods for me to eat. 

Last night was the “end all” for me. I was in this mental battle in my mind of “eat don’t eat eat don’t eat” and felt I was going insane. I felt I was losing my mind. 

I got out of bed and had salmon and rice till I was full. I felt guilty and wanted to make that up by semi fasting today but it didn’t work out for me. I felt I needed food. 

I today had quinoa porridge, two bananas,half a cup of cooked microwave rice, a nectarine, a slice of toast, microwave soup, two slices pineapple.... Half a cup of almond milk. I didn’t weigh all of it. I feel guilty and have it in my head to fast and get control back. But I’m too tired and exhausted to try. I want to do a day fast or two day fast. The longest I have been able to do is over a day. 

I also had vitamin pills 

I gained from today’s food and feel mad I didn’t weigh my rice. 

Where to from here? I like being this weight. I feel pretty .. even my mother has complimented my looks now and never did before (she is a borderline narcissist and gives mikes signals whether she likes me being this weight or not.. but doesn’t honestly care I feel she knows what is going on) and feel I need to keep the control. I’ve hated my eating issues all my life.. I’ve hated being called “fat” continuously and known as “fat (my name)” by a girl who endlessly tormented me. I find I can’t stop when I’m eating and I’m full and that is a big issue for me. I feel I need to learn control or control is a huge issue for me. I’ve read it is for many people with anorexia. 

I had a binging episode recently for two days. My mind and gut weren’t satisfied. I gained about a kilogram in two days. I feel slightly irritated about that still but at the same time not. Is this normal? Have I given up on guilt? 

Ive become completely numb to sadness since the respite. I don’t feel much at all anymore. I can’t cry or feel anything. Is this anhedonia? I can’t function at all. I have no energy or life. I last night badly wanted to die. I’m so empty and unhappy. 

I feel a weird sense of pride of being underweight. To me it is a sick but sad pride. I feel no true happiness about it but feel like I succeeded I guess.. I’ve been underweight, normal and obese now. It feels like I’ve been at every level and experienced it all. 

Part of me even wants to gain weight as weird as that seems. I feel very unstable mentally and feel dissociated... I lose track of time and feel the world isn’t real.. I feel I have lost “me” . The world feel unusual to me. It’s scary and awful. I’ve been told I could have cptsd. Which I relate to due to my painful upbringing in various ways. I feel no true love from my mother and she heavily enmeshes me, infantilises and verbally and even psychogically and emotionally abuses me to this day. My stepfather also abuses me. Since no hands are laid on me there is no system of support on how to flee them. I ended up at the respite after my mother abused me. I tried to take my life and a huge scene unfolded.

where to from here? 

 

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Hi TheHope,

     I'm so glad you shared your story.  Reading it helped me and I think it will help the hundreds of people struggling with weight issues who read it.

      I wish I had advice to offer, but unfortunately I don't.  My self-esteem was tied to weight issues for a long time, but as I reached the fifth and sixth decade of my life I let go of that and anchored my self-esteem in something else.  That really disqualifies me for giving advice.

   I have read many posts here written by those struggling with their weight and I hope they will have something good and helpful to say.  I am so sorry for all the abuse you have suffered and still suffer.  That is just horrible and just heartbreaking ! ! !   - epictetus

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Hi TheHope,

You have been on quite a ride.   I'm sorry to understand that your life has had lots of tough spots.  You should be proud you've gotten your weight under control, and are no longer chronically overweight.  Still, it seems the success has come with considerable anxiety.  Too, I am unhappy to hear you've tried to harm yourself.  I and everyone here urge you to find some calmness in your mind and life and not go in that direction again.  You have shown impressive control and discipline in your battle with your weight, and the hope you have now will, I hope, move into an area that will allow you to address what might be the issues driving and still punishing yourself, now bullying yourself. 

No mention of therapeutic treatment or counseling?  Or prescribed medicine?  Tell us if you can if you have seen mental health professionals.  It would be good to talk with a professional now, and find out how to feed your hope, as you have learned to feed your body.  Your sense of unreality, and trauma, need most to be addressed now, and I'm hoping for you and with you.  Come back, and tell us what you will do, who you can see in your area for helpful talk and counseling.  You have shown determination and discipline, and talk honestly.  Time to nurture your hope.  

best, Bulgakov

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Not doing very good I’m extremely depressed. Got referred today to eating disorder clinic due to my low weight. I’m several kgs underweight. I am extremely weak and tired and feel very emotionally unstable. 

I love feeling like I’m worthwhile being underweight...my weight and waist size is my dream waist size and I feel wonderful.. this was the 1950’s “ideal” and also I’m about 2 inches off a model my height. I’m less than her waist size but maybe I’d be accepted as a model now as I was declined before. 

Edited by thehope

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