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I'm pregnant and struggling already

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Hi everyone, 

I struggle being comfortable talking to people hence my post here. I'm around 8 weeks pregnant and just started all the various appointments etc. One of the doctors made a big thing about assessing the risk of my citalopram (at present I'm diagnosed with anxiety and depression though not had much treatment. I only started talking about it 7 years ago and it took a long time to get to the doctors) 

To cut a long story short I felt a little guilt tripped into coming off it and so have been off of it for 2 and a half weeks. The midwife was annoyed at the doctor as she said my health is what matters but did explain if I go back on it I become a high risk pregnancy so won't be able to give birth in the suite I wanted to but instead in the high risk part of the hospital which sounds awful and makes me worry. 

I thought I'd see how I go but after quite a difficult weekend trying to hide it all from my big family (as its so early) something snapped and I felt an episode start on Monday morning and I've been off work since. I don't know what to do. I feel so bad. I wasn't ecstatic about the pregnancy of truth be told. It clashed with a lot of things I had planned which I'm no longer able to do. I'm also overweight at the moment which doesn't help as I was just about to kick start some hardcore fitness which I can't do either. I feel fat and depressed and teary all the time. I don't want to feel like this for 9 months but I'm scared of the small risks with citalopram in the first trimester and the fact I'm going to end up on the high risk ward. Even the midwife says the experience there will depend on what kind of day they're having. 

I don't know what to do. I've mot had an episode in 18 months and I feel like I'm back to square one and hurting my husband in the process. 

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