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I'm Confused!


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Hi All

I'm going to refer him as M. 

M and I dated on and off for one year. Became friends then started seeing each other again. M is an introvert. Has depression and anxiety. Scared of commitment. Many people feel he has aspergers. His always been hot and cold in our relationship. Put the barriers down as soon as I wanted our relationship to progress. As soon as I got close and began to fall in love with him. Which he knew I did. He swore we would never get back together. Seemed to highly resent the fact that I got to close. He would say hurtful things towards me whenever I tried to communicate and try to sort things out. Just kept pushing me away. Put up a wall around him. It hurt seeing him like this as he stopped going out. Hid away in his shell. He started to become his own enemy.

Everytime he was around me. He resented me and made it known. Stopped replying to my texts. Stopped hanging outside of work. So one day, I thought telling him that I don't love him would make it easier for him especially as he seemed to resent the thought that I love him. Made things worse. He held a grudge towards me for it. I couldn't seem to win either way.

I was leaving for a new job. I decided to be open and tell the truth about my feelings. I was living in denial if I wasn't been open.

On my final week of leaving my old job. Things between I and him seemed to improve. I finally decided that having a friendship with him was more important than having a one sided unhealthy relationship with him. I informed him that I am happy to have a friendship with him. It would be great to meet with up every couple of weeks to hang out. On my last day at work. I and him agreed to go out for a drink and meal.

When my last day came, he rang me and bailed out going for a drink. Informing he wasn't feeling better with having a cold recently. Informed he has given what I said about meeting up and maintaining a friendship some thought and he would like to meet up in a couple of weeks to go out for Sunday lunch. Kept referring me as mate and laughed numerous times. I felt we had patched things up and things would get better.

A couple of weeks passed. I started my new job. I didn't hear anything from him. No texts. No phone calls - just nothing.

I texted him to ask how he was? But I got no reply back. I left it but later saw him on Facebook. I sent him a message but he seemed fairly distant. Not wanting to talk much. So I reminded him about going out but he didn't answer me. 

I had noticed his facebook activity appeared less active much less since I left.

A week later, I texted him him on his work phone wishing him to have a good week. He replied but not much.

On Thursday this week, it was my 30th birthday. My sister shared a post reminding people about it. When it came to my birthday, he didn't even text me to wish me a happy birthday. So I texted him reminding that it's my birthday. He replied 90 mins later saying "have a good one"........ I was a little upset but got over it. I would have thought us being friends - he could have at least texted to wish me a happy birthday.

The next day (last night) the whole team met up for leaving drinks for the contract manager at the pub. As soon as I and he saw each other. His face lit up. He appeared extremely happy to see me. Offered to buy me a drink. We both hugged each other. I was feeling a little anxious but I kept my cool.

When I got up to head to the bar, I caught him looking towards my direction smiling. As soon as he saw me looking, he quickly looked away. He commented on wanting to share the same table I was sitting at to which he did.

I sat down and started talking to previous work colleagues. I observed him quite a lot. He appeared very quiet most of the evening. Seemed like he had gone further into his shell since I last saw him. It took a while before we started to talk - me and him. He asked me how the new job was going? I informed him about what has been going on. 

I then asked him how he was? He didn't speak much. I asked why has he been quiet in terms of not getting in touch especially as we had agreed to remain friends. I also enquired as to why he hasn't replied to my texts when I have texted him. He informed he knows but wouldn't talk about it. I informed that I would love to see him outside of work. Please not to shy away to which he promised he won't anymore.

After that conversation, he went to put on his jacket and leave. I persuaded him to stay. To which he did.

One of our colleagues sat next to us and asked me about my birthday? I informed I went out with friends. My colleague looked at M and asked as to whether M had gone to celebrate with me. I asked my colleague why would they think that? My colleague informed they know and anyone can see that M and I are close. I informed my colleague that it took me to remind M that it was my birthday to which my colleague jokingly said to M. "Oh M, why didn't you text and wish a happy birthday". At this point, I was drunk. M looked slightly drunk.

Twenty minutes later, the room got louder. When trying to talk to M, he kept asking me to repeat myself as he couldn't hear me. So I went to move my drink over to his and as soon as I got up to sit next to him in order for him to hear me. He grabbed hold of his jacket and went to run out of the pub. I enquired as to why he was rushing out. I was completely speechlous. I didn't know what in the world just happened.

He came back in to say goodbye to a few colleagues. I saw him come back in and tried to find out what the hell is going on? To which I followed him around the pub as he kept on trying to run away. Colleagues saw his behaviour and tried to figure out what was going on. To which he informed he needs to go and then left. 

I followed him outside of the pub to which he asked me to leave him alone. I kept asking him what is going on? To which he said to me, "You need help. You need psychiatric help. You really do. You need therapy. Just f*** off and leave me alone". To which he walked off and I stood outside the pub. He walked back to me and said, "The police are going to be on to you". Then he walked away.

I managed to sober up but remember everything that happened. I'm incredibly shocked and confused as to what happened.

I won't be contacting him again. 

Maybe someone can explain but I'm extremely confused.

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I'm so sorry this happened to you, BennieEddie !  

Relationships can be so rocky and messy at times and I am not good enough at them to offer advice to others.  

It can take decades before two people really know each other.  In the beginning couples often relate more to the "image" they have of each other than to the deep down real person.  So sometimes when a person is rejected, it is the image of the person who is rejected because the real person was not known.

People also bring all kinds of unconscious desires, fears, dislikes to a relationship . . . stuff from their childhood . . . stuff from parents.  A person can be moved by a powerful fear or desire or dislike which they are not even aware of.  Sometimes these aspects of a person can come out when they are intoxicated.

Sometimes the infatuation phase of a relationship will not yield true love and so when it passes there is nothing there to hold things up.  Ideally, when one loves a person, one finds one's own happiness to be linked to the other person being happy.  Such love can weather many storms.  But love is seldom ideal.   What passes for love often is just "selfishness for two or one."

It can be difficult or even impossible to figure out why things happen in a relationship because of all these things.  There is a stage in love, the infatuation stage when a person idolizes another person almost as if they were a god.  Some people want this to go on forever and when it doesn't things can fall apart.  There are just thousands of reasons why people can stay together and why they can't.  And there is so much tragedy and heartbreak sometimes.

Since I am so poor at relationships I wouldn't even dare to give advice.  Hopefully others here will be able to helpful to you.  I know it isn't much, but all I can say is how very, very sorry I am for what has happened to you ! ! !    - epictetus

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I see a bit of my own self in M. But I won't project that here.

I would say that you're probably best off in another place without M. And I think that you made the right choice to leave the relationship were it was. 

I tend to find that sour regret feeling means I've learnt a hard lesson. 

Edited by Ratvan
Dis not consider my quote. Sorry
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