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Ra7eN

Is this depression?

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I"ll try to keep this short.

I am one of the few that have been able to keep my bi-polar in check. Of course, back in the day you were diagnosed as a "manic depressant" (times change right). In the last 10yrs I visited a counselor, just mostly to get a professional opinion on my condition. You see, I am able to go through life without the ups and downs and mood swings, I know BP cannot be cured, so I can only assume that I am able to control it - well these days, second nature. The counselor I had, said if I could bottle up that skill  - I would be rich :-)

OK I digress.. Now something I cannot control, that has been becoming and increasing big issue for my.

Crying...

But not randomly crying. I've narrowed it down to mostly selfless acts from people I see, either someone I hear about, to me, or even movies & TV (which I do not watch much). It is uncontrollable for the most part. It is very humiliating sometimes. In the past I would have a boss do something that is very nice - and/or selfless. I would say maybe a few years ago, it would be more like a gut feeling, like you feel it creep up, but I was able to force it back.

However, these days - wow. Numb3rs, Pretender, Jag, and even the Guardian, the endings tear me up. I know why.  I wanted showed a girl a poem I wrote many many years go - blam!! Full water works. I can't control it now. I do not know if the mentally abusive, destructive marriage is finally getting to me, and when I encounter something "nice" and heartfelt, I come apart. My personal opinion, that "love" like emotions from anywhere, get to me, as it is lacked on the home-front. But I am not a Dr, so cannot assess that.

And it is hard to look macho when the boss (a mean one) is actually being nice for a change, and then you well up. arg! LoL

Is this depression, or some repressed part of my BP?

As a side note, is BP the name as MD(manic depressant)? The only other issue I have is ADD, however I think that is unrelated.

 

I tried to keep this short.

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Welcome to DF! I think that could be related to depression and can happen when one gets older. Maybe you are just more sensitive because of the illness that you have been controlling all this time. Maybe it just needs some release?

Hope you keep coming back, reading, and posting. We will work at supporting you as best we can.

BW

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Hi, thanks for the quick response. Like I mentioned, it is not random. it is specific. The most common one is the selfless. I know some people (like my wife who has many mental illnesses) will cry at random things. that is why I am puzzled

but thanks again.. I'll keep stopping by. Maybe I can offer suggestions on the BP. One issue I realized that works, is just stay out of situations the cause it to flair up. While many may think that is common sense, but trust me. it is hard - example keep getting into bad relationships

thanks again...

 

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I'm kinda the same except I'm able to keep the tears back and swallow the lump in my throat. 

Sometimes even commercials can get my eyes watery. I'll bet there'll come a day when I can't force them back. Or don't want to  

I think it's due to repression of emotion. My theory is, like water, emotions will find their way out through a crack or seam. If that tiny gap happens to be selfless acts and/or people remembering that they're basically good and acting accordingly, I suggest it has got to do with these things resonating with your core values. 

Like BW suggests, your inability sometimes to control tears could be related to the rigorous discipline and control you exert over your illness. All of us need to let go of control over emotions some time. The more we repress, the greater the need. 

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Yes - bi-polar disorder is the new term for what used to be called manic depressive disorder. I agree with Atra that trying to control your emotions at all time could be causing the emotional outbursts. Another this to think about is that your disorder may have changed over the years. Also, stress could exaserbate sysptoms, which could mean that the crying is the result of a depressive episode. My Uncle is classic BP. He was diagnosed in his early 20s and had several breakdowns as a result of stress and not taking his medication in his youth. Now (at 50+) he is med free, basically stress free - and living well. My father has BP with rapid cycling - which basically means that he has several episodes of cycling each year. He lived undiagnosed until his 40s. He managed his mood swings with extensive exercise (20 miles on the bike a day and 100 miles on a weekend was normal) until he could not manage it anymore. Stress in his work situation also contributed to his diagnosis and treatment. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that the fact that you have been able to control the disorder for so many years is commendable - but I would consider that the disorder changes with your stress levels, hormone levels and other age related changes and your ability to control it may change as well. My dad is so much happier since he went on his medication.

One of the my major indicators that it was time to go back on mediation for my depression was a lot of crying. I would be sitting in church, or at the office, or really anywhere and my mind would take me into places that I could not get out of. My fears for explode, my regrets, my sadness for past wrongs - and the tears would flow. Crying can be good, but not when you cannot control it.

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I get what you're saying about your marriage maybe being part of the reason why. I get the same way and my marriage is the same. I think it does play into it some. I think the way my marriage is has made me very empathetic, even to things I know aren't real(like TV). It is hard to explain how different I see things since realizing how crappy my marriage is. Its almost like a jealousy I guess? Because like you said you see the love like emotions everywhere and it is lacking at home.  Its hard to explain but I understand how you connect your marriage and your reaction to emotional moments. 

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Hi guys

You all have some amazing insite

@Atra Mine (crying) i've narrowed down to not so much happy ending movies - but they are like "selfless" acts. thinks like a tough guy would never do in a million years, "bends the rules" so to speak, and other issues like this. Or a strong emotional event as such. Nothing else. Nothing random. It is hard to explain. I was diagnosed when I was 10 (abusive family, friends and even teachers - so as a child, in my mind. I had no one to go to), manic. As I got older, I did not want to be like that, so I took a look as what wa causing it, and made sure (almost)not to get into the situations. while it is more complex than that, it is the gist of it. These days it is almost impossible to swallow the lump I used to. I think you are right, it is looking for a crack. And the dam is starting to break.

@JessiesMom Hey we are neighbors LOL (MN), I never used medication. I did back in the 90's - Lithium - hated it. And flat out stopped. I understood what the meds were trying to do, and over the years, I made an effort to "mimic" the effects. As time went by, it became second nature. The other issue I was told (I survived 3 serious suicides) and one doc was able to tell me that the other reason I suffer these issues, is my lack of eating (you guys prob know about starving yourself LOL, not a good idea). He informed me that it depleats mey brain of a chemical that perpetuates depression, so I am in a vicious circle, I am depressed so I don't eat, when I don't eat, I get depressed and so forth. So the second MAJOR self help , is I force myself to eat. Now I eat like people eat "comfort food". I am happy things worked for your father. People and friends haven't a clue that I suffer these symptom. They believe I live a happy life. 

@IcanDoThis I believe you may be correct. I noticed this crying issue over the last couple years. my (soon to be ex) wife suffers really bad mental issues - they flared up a few years ago due to many deaths in her family over the course of a short perioud. If she goes off her meds, she is increadibly violent. that was 8yrs ago. Now there is nothing. We are two people living in the same building, just in different rooms. So maybe deep inside, I miss those days. Days that will never return because of her illness. We cant be together - extremely toxic (police several times, and I recently had to put a restraining order on her, which has been modified a litle while ago to allow her to stay here - I just could not kick her on the street). so ya, those fabricated TV stories, the acting is so good (thanks to the casting), that I cry on those becaues of "...ya, I understand, and know how you feel" - Like @Atra, I am very empathetic person. So I become those people on TV, and even worse, in real life when someone does somthing out of character (i.e. a rude S.O.B.) , I can barely hold it in.

Really sux, and it's embarrassing.

 

Thanks guys.. it is nice to know that others can relate.

 

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