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DepressedBadass

I've hit an all time low

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I needed an anonymous place to vent and just talk to people about my issues and I came across this site. I have no idea if it will help or not. I guess I'll start with some key facts. 

I've been severely depressed for about 8 years now. I was off and on meds for the first couple. Then just off. Now I've been back on steadily for about 2 years or so. I take Cymbalta and Wellbutrin. I recently medically retired from the US Army after almost 12 years. And no, I don't have PTSD before anyone asks. I never saw combat or any bad gruesome stuff. I'll be 31 years old in April. And I'm currently in school for metal fabrication. 

I’ve been dealing with my depression for what feels like an eternity. Every now and then I’d hit a plateau and just feel neutral. Neither happy nor sad. That would go on until something would come along in my life to change it. Whether it was work related, personal, love, money, or even just an accident. If it was good I’d obviously feel better, but that was only for a while until something happened again to change it. Usually when that happens I would basically feel shitty for a bit and then get back to that plateau. But recently I was dumped by what I can only describe as "the woman of my dreams" and it has caused a new all time low for me. It may be because of how extraordinarily happy she made me or maybe just that I don’t know what went wrong or what cause her to leave me. Maybe it’s because I still have to see her all the time at school which in turn just reawakens all the feelings day in and day out. I don’t know. But since all this shit happened my mind has been flooded with all the bad shit I’ve dealt with in my life. I try to drown it out and just stay high all the time but It just keeps repeating itself in my head like a broken record.

On Tuesday night it was so bad that I almost ended it all just to stop the pain. I made plans to have my dog taken care of, wrote a ****ing note, had a plan and all that shit. But i just couldn’t do it.. i can’t say that i didn’t do it because i had too much to live for. But i guess more so because i was too scared. I skipped school on Wednesday because I just couldn’t bring myself to face everyone. Even if they’d never know what I’d almost done. This was the 4th time I've been that close in my life. As I sit here writing this I realize that putting an actual number on it suddenly makes me wonder if I'm just delaying the inevitable. 

I've known for a while now that there's only one thing that could ever "cure" me of my depression and that's to have someone to share my life with. Someone that would love me as much as I would love them. It's the thing I've wanted above all else since I was 15. I tried to fill that void in my life with materialistic items. I own my house, my own truck, a badass workshop that most would **** to have, and yet none of it comes close to making me happy. 

 

I think I'm done sharing for right now. 

 

 

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Welcome friend to our forum.

This is a great place to share your concerns.

This forum has helped me and countless others.

My perspective tells me depression is not something to cure rather it's something to put to use.

I invoke a cave metaphor to give me useful strategies to deal with my deep, dark, dangerous depression.

Check out other posts here.

We all try to help each other find the way out of the depression trap.

Oscar

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Welcome to the forums DepressedBadass, its good that you came here to vent, that means that you are hopeful which some of us that have been through depression seem to lose from time to him, and the fact that you recognize that you have to much to live for also is a good sign. Everyone goes through depressive times in life, ups and downs, but we make it through. I think that after a break up like that it's good to take some time to focus on yourself, feel better, and slowly move on.

I hope that you get to feeling better soon. 

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On 1/20/2019 at 9:02 AM, Oscar K said:

Welcome friend to our forum.

This is a great place to share your concerns.

This forum has helped me and countless others.

My perspective tells me depression is not something to cure rather it's something to put to use.

I invoke a cave metaphor to give me useful strategies to deal with my deep, dark, dangerous depression.

Check out other posts here.

We all try to help each other find the way out of the depression trap.

Oscar

How do you put it to use? And what is a cave metaphor?

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Metaphors don't actually exist yet are super powerful.

Metaphors are tricks we play when we insist one thing IS something else when obviously it isn't.

Depression obviously isn't a

cave but METAPHORICALLY it sure is.

It's a deep, dark, vast emptiness within all of us.

Not everyone falls into the depression trap but I believe we all have the metaphorical depression cave within.

My depression cave is good for temporary shelter but not long-term residence.

My depression cave is useful to consign unneeded and unwanted negative thoughts and emotions to deep pits.

Maybe you get the idea and this can be food for thought.

Anyway I'm always willing to talk about how metaphors can help us.

Oscar

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Welcome @DepressedBadass.  You're in the right place.

Can't  tell you the number of times I've written The Note, made arrangements for the furball(s), etc.  This is the time of year (in the South) where I'm usually neutral, as you described.  Although it was 30 years back, I can still recall the breakup feelings and how it would completely ruin my day to see him.  idk if this is useful, but someone mentioned "living well is the best revenge" and I used it with at least a little success.

Good that you've got the scripts, whether from your GP or a psychiatrist.  If you haven't already, I'd encourage you to seek out a psychologist.  Pdocs (psychiatrists) are useful for me vis-a-vis scripts, but I've found a less formal relationship with a therapist more useful as things come up.  It may take some shopping to find the right fit.

And I'd encourage you to post stuff here as it comes up.   Sometimes it's just enough to vent.

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