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lackluster

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Hi. Loneliness does suck. Dating can help with that but the process can be be tough on self-esteem. If you've thought it over and decided you'll risk rejection for a chance at finding a special somebody, it is a good idea to build up your confidence. 

I find it is helpful to buy some new clothing and put together an outfit I think I look amazing in. This helps me feel like I'm presenting my best self even when I feel pretty craptastic on the inside. 

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47 minutes ago, Atra said:

Dating can help with that but the process can be be tough on self-esteem.

Stay away from online dating unless you're very good looking, it's super competitive and if you're average or below-average it'll most definitely crush your remaining self-esteem. 

I haven't had any success dating but one thing I learned from trying to meet women when I was younger is to hide your depression, at least initially. Nothing will make them run for the hills like admitting that you're suffering from it, even when they have depression themselves. There's still a very strong societal expectation for men to be strong, vulnerability generally isn't viewed as sexy. Just speaking to the general population, there are always exceptions but they're hard to find. Once someone likes you enough you can bring up your issues, at that point they're more likely to overlook it. Just be sure not to fall into the trap of treating them like a therapist, so many stories on here of partners despairing because the depressed person takes everything out on them.

Low self-esteem is a bit more difficult to hide... It's very hard to convince someone that you're the best match for them when you don't believe in yourself. I guess there isn't much you can do other than what @Atra already suggested, get some really nice outfits to make the best of your appearance. This can also include hitting the gym, a guy with a bit of muscles is automatically perceived as more confident than someone scrawny or chubby. 

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Just be honest but not too revealing.

It's so ironic to live on a planet with billions of people and still be lonely.

When I was single years ago I joined a hiking club and got exercise and met many single women.

Just a thought.

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2 hours ago, lackluster said:

Anyone have any advice for dating with low self esteem and depression? Being lonely all the time sucks 😞

Apologies to answer a question with a question. How would you deal with it in your day to day life?

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I actually disagree with the statement of staying away from online dating and hiding your depression. 

Online dating is not just for super good looking people. On the contrary i think it has helped people who have felt that they werent good enough or good looking find someone. to be frank i have an "ugly" friend who has been more successful on the only dating game then my "pretty" friend . Dating is not how it used to be anymore. Online dating is extremely common and normal and most people use it in place of actually dating the old fashion way so I honestly think online dating is for everyone and anyone that wants to try it. It does require some stratigies though to make ones profile stand out since it is indeed competitive. but give it a go and just remind yourself no to take the experience to seriously and not be hard on yourself based on someone response. 

Hiding depression is also something I dont personally agree with. Many people are struggling with depression and its more common now then ever before. Opening up about ones struggles helps people connect more and create a bond and more comfort with one another. Vulnerability is when true connection is built is people feel more connected. the only thing would be is that I think dont talk about it right away and make it out to be like depression is all you are because youre not 

finally establishing friendships with the opposite sex is so important. being around the opposite sex and just getting used to being around them . i think that hinders the dating game too that some people are not used to being around the opposite sex and desensitizing yourself would be helpful 

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14 minutes ago, Emmilyyy said:

to be frank i have an "ugly" friend who has been more successful on the only dating game then my "pretty" friend .

Just out of curiosity, is that friend female or male? It's an entirely different experience. Pretty much all my average looking male acquaintances gave up on it and ended up meeting women through friends or work. Though I admit it may be a matter of age since they're all in their 30s and 40s.

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10 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Just out of curiosity, is that friend female or male? It's an entirely different experience. Pretty much all my average looking male acquaintances gave up on it and ended up meeting women through friends or work. Though I admit it may be a matter of age since they're all in their 30s and 40s.

Both. and im going to continue to be more frank since its not like they are going to read this lol but the guy was even more "uglier" then my girlfriend and im closer to the guys brother and he was the one that said it up front too how his brother is ugly and was able to find a healthy relationship from online dating. they are still together too and i believe that is one of his more serious relationships ever. His brother is better looking but he is actually single right now. but he always recommends online dating or at least trying it out because "hey if my ugly brother can find a nice girl on there so can you " lol is what he tells his mates. My friend too her bf is wayy  better looking then she is and her relationship is also doing well. both of them are and they are from only dating apps. Again its my "pretty" friend that seems to be struggling more on there but i think that has to do with multiple things which is why just like real life dating there multiple people struggling with it regardless of how ugly or good looking they are theres just a lot of factors to it. 

Edited by Emmilyyy
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13 minutes ago, Emmilyyy said:

Both! and im going to continue to be more frank since its not like they are going to read this lol but the guy was even more "uglier" then my girlfriend 

Ouch 😂🙈

I'm not saying it can't work for average or ugly people but they need a thick skin, that's why I wouldn't recommend it for someone with low self-esteem. At the end of the day it's a number's game. Same in real life too but you can better gauge the other person's level of interest before approaching so the rejections are more avoidable. 

Good to hear that it worked out for your friends!

13 minutes ago, Emmilyyy said:

Again its my "pretty" friend that seems to be struggling more on there but i think that has to do with multiple thing

You can even be too pretty for online dating. If a woman is very attractive some guys will think it's a fake profile or that she's just looking for validation so despite being interested they won't contact her. Unless it's Tinder, lol

Edited by lonelyforeigner
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2 hours ago, Emmilyyy said:

Hiding depression is also something I dont personally agree with. Many people are struggling with depression and its more common now then ever before. Opening up about ones struggles helps people connect more and create a bond and more comfort with one another. Vulnerability is when true connection is built is people feel more connected. the only thing would be is that I think dont talk about it right away and make it out to be like depression is all you are because youre not 

Women are attracted to men with superb self-confidence. Won't letting a person know you struggle with depression or self esteem make 'em run for the hills?

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1 hour ago, iWantRope said:

Women are attracted to men with superb self-confidence. Won't letting a person know you struggle with depression or self esteem make 'em run for the hills?

You know its interesting because I hear that a lot as a women myself that men find women most attractive when they are confident. Ive been told that I need to Fake confidence in order to attract men and that men find that quality sexy. Heak Ive seen videos with men giving it as advice to women and sell the whole confidence bit. 

But I just dont buy it. "Women are attracted to men with superb self-confidence" is not any more true or false then Men finding women with "superb" self-confidence attractive. Im sure if we look online we can find scientific studies that say as a whole People like that quality Of confidence in other human beings. But idk about you but I dont think ive ever even met a Person that has "superb self confidence" but I met plenty of people that are not confident and have low self esteem. 

Letting someone know you struggle with two of the most common mental health disorder wont make a women run to the hills especially when Every women I know has struggle with self esteem issues. The only thing that I think turns off most people would be to show that we drown ourselves in self pity because of those two things.

Personally as a women I tend to stay away from people that seem to have everything all together and are always happy and NEVER express any insecurity or self doubt. Those people usually make me think they are hiding something. I like it when A guy is able to be vulnerable and tell me stuff they are struggling with because then I feel more comfortable sharing my own struggles as well.  

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1 hour ago, SouthernSolitary said:

Everyone tells me to wait until I get myself together. At 31, that’s not so easy. 

Yeah I think at some point that gets to be a little redundant. I agree with the concept that we should for the most part learn to be ok on our own and have a stable foundation where we are able to be ourselves without needing another person. But then its like were never going to be 100% ok . Were aways going to be a bit rocky and all over the place so at what point do we say ok Ive done the solo thing for a while now when Im I so called together enough to be with someone else ? you know.

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I have over ten years of experience online dating. It has changed considerably during that period. At first it was a novelty--everyone was doing it and I dated a lot, actually found someone who became the love of my life (she's gone now, and I don't mean dearly departed). As the years went by, the women became more discriminating, and not without just cause in some cases, as many men choose to take the coarse and vulgar approach. Past that, however, it seems people aren't just looking to date and meet people anymore--they seek what they consider perfection even before responding to a message. I suppose in the case of women, why shouldn't they? An attractive woman often receives over 100 messages a day, and the less attractive might receive a dozen or so. Yes, the competition is fierce. I am now 48 and still single, despite the fact that I'm in good shape and  health, employed, stable and living in my own home, and not horrible looking (above average for my age, not fat or wrinkled). Nevertheless, I'm lucky to get a date every couple of months or so, and the drought at present is longer than most. The f*cked up thing is that I'm not trying to date out of my league; I prefer women roughly my age, 40's to early 50's. But since it's stylish to be a "cougar" who screws younger men, I can't even get dates with women my own age anymore. Online dating these days is a dead end for all but the most handsome and rich--those dumb enough to flaunt their cash or posers who create a persona. It's still possible to meet someone, but the odds for an average man have skyrocketed. Take the advice of the gentleman above and join some sort of special interest club if one is near you. I'm looking to join a hiking group myself when the weather warms up. Keep up an online presence, certainly, just don't expect success. If it happens, it happens. But other dating options are looking better and better as time goes on and the public becomes ever more jaded regarding online dating.

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On 1/20/2019 at 2:44 AM, sober4life said:

I've pretty much accepted it's over for me.  I don't want it to be but I don't have a choice.

Same here, I think. Tried actively looking for love. Tried passively looking for love. Just can't seem to figure out what the rules are.

I've heard so many people say "I had completely given up the search for love, then one day, when I was least expecting it, pow! There he/she was!"...How many times have we heard this anecdote? Suffice it to say the 'least expecting it lover' has yet to make an appearance. Actually, I wonder, has anybody on here been graced with a 'least expecting it lover'?

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The word online dating, may be the same meaning as e-dating. E-dating- having online relationship only. In the gaming realm, I see a lot of that, some ended up in real relationships. Some went dark as to even having e-ffairs. It’a funny male gamers become super nice to women in-game and try to hit on them.

Call me old fashion, nothing beats the real life dating because there’s no physical boundaries.

i think to find someone you wanna date is someone you mutually click with and share the same attraction.

I am not an expert about dating so what I say is bases on experience, and what I believe.

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49 minutes ago, Stand_alone said:

The word online dating, may be the same meaning as e-dating. E-dating- having online relationship only. In the gaming realm, I see a lot of that, some ended up in real relationships. Some went dark as to even having e-ffairs. It’a funny male gamers become super nice to women in-game and try to hit on them.

Call me old fashion, nothing beats the real life dating because there’s no physical boundaries.

i think to find someone you wanna date is someone you mutually click with and share the same attraction.

I am not an expert about dating so what I say is bases on experience, and what I believe.

It is true there have to be some physical attraction as well as the ability to understand one another and to appreciate one another as a person.  With some of these attributes it gives a person something to build off of in a beginning relationship 

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On 1/22/2019 at 7:52 PM, Stand_alone said:

E-dating- having online relationship only.

This reminds me of a song lyric:

"And you've got your love online
You think you're doing fine
But you're just plugged into the wall"

- Superman by Lazlo Bane 

E-dating is really a convenience for gamers who want someone special in their life but don't want that someone to disrupt their occupation with gaming. I did try it many years ago and what a disaster it was. I learned the painful way that you can never really know someone until you see them IRL, interacting with the real world.

Edited by Atra
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On 1/22/2019 at 6:35 AM, Mark250 said:

I've heard so many people say "I had completely given up the search for love, then one day, when I was least expecting it, pow! There he/she was!"...How many times have we heard this anecdote? Suffice it to say the 'least expecting it lover' has yet to make an appearance. Actually, I wonder, has anybody on here been graced with a 'least expecting it lover'?

Yes, poems and songs have been written about this, and maybe it works out for many people... I wouldn't know, as I've kept hearing this advice all my life and suspect I'll still be hearing it on my deathbed...

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To all on this site who are still looking for love or who have just given up on love, I have a beautiful love story to share with you. I hope it will give you hope and inspiration not to give up on one of life's greatest blessings. It does not start out well, but it ends well. As a child, I was severely physically abused by my mother. My father dealt with emotional issues and was always angry. All of us kids were terrified of him too. I spent my childhood taking care of my siblings and trying to protect them. I also tried to get my mother to see that what she was doing was wrong, and that there was a better way. Which she hated me for. I was also the fat kid. The kid that nobody likes or wants to be around. I spent life trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I never thought anybody would love me, ever!  My life became a desperate search, trying to find somebody who would love me and accept me for who I am. And I had given up too. Until a miracle happened. But I will get to that later. So I went on to go to high school. Still the fat kid, I struggled to find the right diet to lose weight, hoping that if I lost weight, then I would be acceptable. I developed an eating disorder and spent six weeks in a psych ward on suicide watch. Then I discovered something I came to love, exercise. It wasn't just about losing the weight anymore, but it became a part of who I was. It was a part of who I was. I loved to run, dance, and lift weights, as well as many other activities. I finally felt free, for the first time in my life. I went on to college and I was studying to be a psychologist. I wanted to take what I had experienced and what I learned to use it to help others. Then before I could finish college, I was in a car accident, that would forever change my life. In the blink of an eye, my life was forever changed. The injuries I sustained were so severe that I had to learn how to walk again. I suffered back damage, neck damage, and severe nerve damage. I spent years in physical therapy and have never fully recovered. I tried to go back to college three times. But every time I went back, physically I got worse. So I had to let go of that dream. Also during this time, I lost a friend to cancer and another to suicide. The boyfriend that I was in the accident with decided it was not worth the trouble to stay with me. Talk about feeling like it was hopeless! So what changed? Many things actually. I never gave up hope. I continued to try to get stronger. I kept going to physical therapy and kept doing what I could do to get stronger. Then when I was in my twenties, I went on a woman's retreat at our church. I had been told that God loves me. I guess I always knew in some capacity that He was there. But with all the pain and suffering in my life, I guess I wondered how could He be. And if He was, then why was He allowing so much suffering in my life. So I started to pray and read the scriptures. I learned about my faith. I also never gave up my desire to help people. I started volunteering at my church wherever I could. I was still struggling with much physical pain, but I did what I could. And in it, I discovered worth and a purpose. As difficult as life is, I learned through my friend's suicide to value life and find meaning in it. I was not going to give up! Although I was feeling better inside, I still held on to that old belief that nobody would want me. Especially with the added complications of my physical disabilities. I had all but given up. Then my miracle came along. My two sisters and my brother were going to Whitewater University. They would attend a campus ministry spaghetti dinner each week. It was free, so many attended. Among them, my now husband, Frank. He was friends with my sisters and brother. He said over time in listening to their stories about me that he came to believe that I was someone he should meet. Now keep in mind that he was always aware of my physical disabilities. But it didn't matter to him. He told me after we were married that he believed God was answering his prayers for a wife, and he wasn't going to question the package I came in. So he asked my siblings how to get a hold of me. We started e-mailing each other. He was in Mexico because he was studying abroad over the summer. He received my first e-mail on his birthday. Now I didn't know it was his birthday then.The day before he had gone to the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Mexico City, where he later told me, he prayed for a wife. At the same time, he was praying for a wife, I was praying a novena for a husband. Of course, I didn't really think God would send me one, especially in my condition. So I e-mailed him and we continued to e-mail each other through the summer. When he returned to the States, we met. On July 8th, 2001 we had our first date. On July 5th, 2002 we were married. On May 19th, 2003, our miracle baby was born. You see with my injuries, it didn't look like I could have children. But on May 19th, 2003, our daughter, who is now almost sixteen, was born. Frank and I will be married 17 years this July. We have an amazing relationship! We love and respect each other above all else. Believe me, we have been through many struggles throughout the years, but it has only made us and our family stronger. And Frank has never allowed my physical limitations to affect how he feels about me. He just loves me, warts and all. And at the center of our relationship and the center of our family is our faith. It is our relationship with God and each other that sustains us gives us strength and grace to face all of life's circumstances. Now I still struggle with my past . I still struggle with learning to love myself. And I'm still in therapy. I still can't run or dance or do many of the things I used to do before my accident. But besides my faith,  I spend my life trying to love and give of myself as much as I can. My husband, daughter, and I volunteer in our church and community as much as we can. I will never be the psychologist I wanted to be, but I still want to help people as much as I can. I understand pain and suffering both emotionally and physically, at its deepest levels.I understand what it feels like to get to a place where you have no hope, where you want to give up. But please don't. For those of you reading this please don't give up. And if you feel like you have already, please reconsider. There is always hope in life, in whatever it is you are hoping for. I know this is true. But not just for me, but for all of you as well! I hope my story will help to give hope and inspiration to those who need it. If I have been able to come out of my life's circumstances stronger and happier, believe me so can all of you. Take care and God Bless you! You will all be in my prayers. Sincerely, Someone who understands and cares.

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