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Maxx55

I think I found out what’s wrong with me...I’m a loser

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Hi everyone,

I feel like had an epiphany and finally figured out what’s wrong with me....I’m a loser...allow me to explain.

 

Ive never been a popular person. Back in school I spent more time sitting from afar because I wasn’t part of the “cool” crowd. I wanted to be on the football and hockey teams. Did I make it? Nope, cut after tryouts. Oh was some what athletic, marched in the high school marching band playing a big, heavy tuba.

 

after high school, I wanted to be a police officer. Never did. Why? Well here’s that story.

In order to be a law enforcement officer in my state you need to have a letter from the state board saying you can. In order to get that letter, you have to go to college an earn a criminal justice degree. Once you have your degree, you take the state mandated test, and if you pass, you receive this letter.  Oh, and the letter has a three year expiration date on it. If you don’t get a cop job after three years, you have to take the test over again.  

So ive taken the test a couple of times, applied to about 130 different departments and NONE of them offered me a law enforcement officer position.   

 

So so what can I do with my degree? Well how about security management. Sure, sounds simple enough and would be a guarantee to move up, but oh no, it’s not that simple. When the promotion is announced and you think with a criminal justice degree and three years seniority you are a perfect fit, the hiring manager pulls the rug out from you and gives the job to a person who has no experience in security, no relative college degree, and never even thought about being in security the world, and doesn’t even possess the skills listed as “requirements” on the job posting. 

 

Thats my professional/job related thing.  My personal life is this.  

Dating life in high school was non-existent. Only girlfriend cheated on me with a guy in the senior class.  

Didnt date in college.

Started dating after college. Met a girl, dated her. Proposed, she accepted, we moved in to an apartment together. Month and a half later she cheats on me then demands that I vacate the apartment...so I take my stuff and leave. 

A year later, meet a new girl, start dating. Get engaged and we move in together. Get married and after two and a half years later, we divorced.  Only been on three dates since then (3 dates in 5 years)

 

So what do you think? 

 

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Honestly it can be very hard to find a job also don’t mean your a loser 

people who cheat are losers who can’t even leave same one if there not happy

high school so called cool kids don’t have menu friends after school at least at mine it worked that way

dateing or not don’t really matter I was married one and only once hade to kids he left me why because he thought I would cheat on him well like hell I would 

sorry for going on about that

so what am saying is your not s loser but me saying that probably isn’t going to make you think your not 

so I hope all is well

 

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Maxx,

It is heartbreaking how much misfortune you have suffered in your life, but I don't believe you are a loser.  I could never believe that.  Your posts here on the Forums have helped me in a profound way and I know I am not alone in that sentiment.  

When I first joined these Forums I thought that perhaps those who gave advice helped to save lives and I found that to be true.  But what I found and was shocked to find was how many people told me that posts like the ones you have written have saved lives.  And then I discovered this from personal experience.

No one who saves lives can ever be a loser, not matter how many misfortunes befall them.  Saving even one human life is one of the greatest if not the greatest achievement a human being can accomplish in life.  It can redeem a person's entire life.  So to me, far from being a loser, you are a hero, someone I can look up and respect deeply.    - epictetus

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58 minutes ago, Epictetus said:

Maxx,

It is heartbreaking how much misfortune you have suffered in your life, but I don't believe you are a loser.  I could never believe that.  Your posts here on the Forums have helped me in a profound way and I know I am not alone in that sentiment.  

When I first joined these Forums I thought that perhaps those who gave advice helped to save lives and I found that to be true.  But what I found and was shocked to find was how many people told me that posts like the ones you have written have saved lives.  And then I discovered this from personal experience.

No one who saves lives can ever be a loser, not matter how many misfortunes befall them.  Saving even one human life is one of the greatest if not the greatest achievement a human being can accomplish in life.  It can redeem a person's entire life.  So to me, far from being a loser, you are a hero, someone I can look up and respect deeply.    - epictetus

I....I'm a little taken back. I don't really have the proper words to form a response. Part of me is venting....I guess when you feel you hit rock bottom....there is nothing but up. Thank you for your words, although I feel that I am not worthy of them. 

 

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I can understand venting we all need to do it. Like you, I get frustrated with outcomes. It seems like I mostly held the poo end of the stick in spite if my best efforts. 

I'd like to share with you some of what I'm learning about acceptance, I hope it might relieve some if your burdens. The general idea is that we cannot control outcomes, in particular those that are determined entirely by other people. The specifics you mentioned seem to agree with this:

You mentioned you weren't accepted by the cool kids in school as many of us here weren't. I don't see it as evidence of us being losers, it wasn't a test. It was a lottery of acceptance we couldn't win. It had confusing and arbitrary requirements that could not be satisfied by any amount of effort.

You wrote how you weren't selected for the school athletics programs you tried out for. Your effort means you weren't afraid to try but the outcome was determined entirely by coaches. Is this evidence that you're a loser? Rather, it suggests that the competition for spots on those sports teams was pretty high.

Some other person would've thrown up his hands and given up trying for anything again after that but you made the decision to try for a spot in the school marching band and you were selected. This wasn't "plan A" and yet you were able to move on, learned to play tuba which ain't exactly the easiest musical instrument - to play or carry. 

You finished high school, got accepted to a college and finished with a degree. These are examples of outcomes you could control - and they happened, not due to luck but because you made them happen. That doesn't sound like the story of a loser, don't you think? 

When you wrote about the law enforcement officer test, I noticed that you omitted something of importance: you passed. Twice. Some other people didn't. Another outcome that was within your control and again, achievement.

But you weren't offered a position in any of the departments you applied to. I don't know the reasons why you weren't but as you said you made about 130 attempts, lack of effort certainly isn't the reason. Perhaps another outcome not in your control?

After the effort you made, someone else might have thrown it all away in anger and frustration but instead of doing that, you asked:

8 hours ago, Maxx55 said:

so what can I do with my degree? 

Again, it wasn't "plan A" but I'm seeing a pattern that isn't adding up to what I picture a loser to be. 

Promotions aren't really outcomes we control, our mostly effort is. Learning the sour lesson that advancement in the workplace isn't based on merit alone (or sometimes, at all) puts you in the club of the most of us.

When I read about your love life, my takeaway was here's a guy who met two women that wanted to marry him and I've yet to be married. I was in a 12 year relationship once, she cheated and left with the guy - who was already married - so I can relate. I'm not sure what this says about us, loser doesn't seem right maybe fools? 😋

I read your other posts before I wrote this to see whether I might uncover some damning loser evidence. But all I found were more examples of a guy who's seen some tough times, got some bad breaks, had and lost some loved ones, achieved nonetheless and the descriptor that came to my mind was resilient.

Resilience is a distinguishing quality, especially for we who dare to try to live with mental illness. Some couldn't take it and sadly, some didn't make it but @Maxx55 all-in-all stands pretty tall. I'm sorry, I can't agree with you about being a loser. 

Also, sorry that this post went on longer than a Senate hearing but you did ask,

9 hours ago, Maxx55 said:

So what do you think?

 

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21 minutes ago, Atra said:

I can understand venting we all need to do it. Like you, I get frustrated with outcomes. It seems like I mostly held the poo end of the stick in spite if my best efforts. 

I'd like to share with you some of what I'm learning about acceptance, I hope it might relieve some if your burdens. The general idea is that we cannot control outcomes, in particular those that are determined entirely by other people. The specifics you mentioned seem to agree with this:

You mentioned you weren't accepted by the cool kids in school as many of us here weren't. I don't see it as evidence of us being losers, it wasn't a test. It was a lottery of acceptance we couldn't win. It had confusing and arbitrary requirements that could not be satisfied by any amount of effort.

You wrote how you weren't selected for the school athletics programs you tried out for. Your effort means you weren't afraid to try but the outcome was determined entirely by coaches. Is this evidence that you're a loser? Rather, it suggests that the competition for spots on those sports teams was pretty high.

Some other person would've thrown up his hands and given up trying for anything again after that but you made the decision to try for a spot in the school marching band and you were selected. This wasn't "plan A" and yet you were able to move on, learned to play tuba which ain't exactly the easiest musical instrument - to play or carry. 

You finished high school, got accepted to a college and finished with a degree. These are examples of outcomes you could control - and they happened, not due to luck but because you made them happen. That doesn't sound like the story of a loser, don't you think? 

When you wrote about the law enforcement officer test, I noticed that you omitted something of importance: you passed. Twice. Some other people didn't. Another outcome that was within your control and again, achievement.

But you weren't offered a position in any of the departments you applied to. I don't know the reasons why you weren't but as you said you made about 130 attempts, lack of effort certainly isn't the reason. Perhaps another outcome not in your control?

After the effort you made, someone else might have thrown it all away in anger and frustration but instead of doing that, you asked:

Again, it wasn't "plan A" but I'm seeing a pattern that isn't adding up to what I picture a loser to be. 

Promotions aren't really outcomes we control, our mostly effort is. Learning the sour lesson that advancement in the workplace isn't based on merit alone (or sometimes, at all) puts you in the club of the most of us.

When I read about your love life, my takeaway was here's a guy who met two women that wanted to marry him and I've yet to be married. I was in a 12 year relationship once, she cheated and left with the guy - who was already married - so I can relate. I'm not sure what this says about us, loser doesn't seem right maybe fools? 😋

I read your other posts before I wrote this to see whether I might uncover some damning loser evidence. But all I found were more examples of a guy who's seen some tough times, got some bad breaks, had and lost some loved ones, achieved nonetheless and the descriptor that came to my mind was resilient.

Resilience is a distinguishing quality, especially for we who dare to try to live with mental illness. Some couldn't take it and sadly, some didn't make it but @Maxx55 all-in-all stands pretty tall. I'm sorry, I can't agree with you about being a loser. 

Also, sorry that this post went on longer than a Senate hearing but you did ask,

 

Well, said and I do not see a loser but a "Achiever" , So be patient and good things will

eventually come to you because you are a, "Winner at the Highest Level"

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8 minutes ago, Maxx55 said:

Is this just self-pity??? 

I don't think so. Like @Floor2017 has already pointed out you are a fighter and have accomplished a lot more than you realize. It's frustrating when things beyond your control keep you from reaping the benefits of your hard work, nothing unusual about feeling the need to vent, just about everybody would.

Someone who has self-pity takes on the role of a victim and does not even try. They accept defeat without giving it their best and then complain about it. Your complaints are perfectly valid, you have given it your best! Life isn't fair and anyone going through what you have gone through would be upset.  Hopefully someday your efforts will pay off, I'm actually quite positive that they will. 

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15 minutes ago, Maxx55 said:

Thank you....I guess this is just me venting. Feeling as if I haven't achieved something truly worthwhile and meant something. Is this just self-pity??? I don't know. 

I don't either. I view my own life through the lens of depression. I compensate by challenging any perceptions minimizing my achievements, bloating every setback the same as I did for you in the above. I don't think you're a loser. But on existential matters like what gives your life purpose and meaning, I can't tell you if there's something(s) or nothing at all missing. I think you must search within yourself for the answer to that. You're totally able to do that. 

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I so agree with what has been said. I think you have lost a lot of dreams for your life because of circumstances out of your control. So you have a right to vent and grieve those loses. Yet you have persevered through a lot and that is what counts.

BW

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On 1/16/2019 at 10:29 PM, Maxx55 said:

"...So what do you think..."

In my honest opinion, what do you think Maxx? 

You're an intricate person, please don't doubt that. 

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True. 

Two things I left out.

1 - very wary of online dating as I was scammed out some money (should have known better).  

2 - I’ve started applying to new jobs to try and get myself out of my unhappy and deadens job. 

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So, mm- Have you ever thought of maybe teaching somewhere as a professor with your criminal justice degree?? I am sure there are colleges that need professors to teach some criminal justice classes...I am sorry about your romantic endeavors, sorry you have had such a hard time..Hope things start to get better for you soon..8-]] 

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DUDE!

You're not a loser. I was in the cool crowd in high school. I was the one guy that stood up for guys like you in school.

You're not dead, you're not in jail and you're not blaming anyone else for your problems, you my friend are not on the loser path.

I wasn't "don juan" with the girls, but I didn't have such a hard time either. People tend to cheat because they have low self esteem themselves. It isn't the end of the world, I say take control in the bedroom, respectfully of course and I hate to say it, but the facade us depressed people put up, should stay up to a degree in a relationship. People in general have a hard time dealing with needy people, because we are all needy people.

As for a job, a career doesn't define you. So you can't be a cop (america has been hating our police officers lately anyway), be a security guard or better yet start your own company.

I would never protect a loser and those so called popular people you looked up to, well many of them became losers. So don't beat yourself up.

I hope you have a better day.

clippedwings

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42 minutes ago, Maxx55 said:

True. 

Two things I left out.

1 - very wary of online dating as I was scammed out some money (should have known better).  

2 - I’ve started applying to new jobs to try and get myself out of my unhappy and deadens job. 

I've been cheated on too, even prior to my current situation. I just posted "should've known better". So its funny you said that in reference to dating.

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Hi @Maxx55,

Networking is the most important thing to do when looking for a job.  I have gotten most of my jobs from it.  Did you ever reach out to the police officers in the departments you applied to?

As for the girls they were not good enough for you.  And you never had to divorce them and did not have to risk getting taken to the cleaners in said divorce.

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Hello all.  As I mentioned I have started to apply for other jobs. Things are not very positive for me right now. Really struggling to maintain a positive attitude....

 

Clippedwings - you mentioned that perhaps I should be a security guard. Unfortunately that’s what I already do. Have been for a long time. Bottom line I’m tired of it, yet I know nothing other than this. I took a security guard job so I could gain experience working with the public, responding to emergencies like fire alarms and medicals, but all I am is treated as a “wannabe” by those in the field and a “too police-y” by the powers that be.

The people who come up for help isn’t really “legitimate” as far as I’m concerned. It’s not to escort someone, or confront a person who isn’t supposed to be in the building. It’s stupid stuff like not being able to find their car or to give them a temporary access badge for the day, simply because they don’t care and no one will hold them accountable. 

 

I guess the main reason I’m bummed out is because I received a reply from an out of state center about my training and if it was good enough for them. Short answer was “no...not good enough”, which my brain translates into them saying “you’re not good enough so don’t bother”.

 

i don’t know...with the lack of success I feel like an old abused hound dog that no one cares for anymore.

 

 

ps  I’m sorry if this post upsets anyone   

 

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Hi @Maxx55, I care. I care a lot. Bearing your soul on these forums takes tremendous courage and you never have to apologize to us for your feelings. 

You want to be an officer to help people, but at your job AND on these boards, you ARE helping people. The security officer at my building is a foul-mouthed creep who does nothing but spew curse words and hit on the ladies. Always asking for "a hug" from the ladies because he's a lech! (I told him "No, why don't you go ask my boss for a hug." He knows not to *$&% with me anymore.) I bet anything you are the type of security officer who takes his job seriously and actually makes people feel safe. What you do is vital!! Take pride that you are the type of person everyone would want in a dark parking lot to assure our safety. I am so grateful you are here with us. ✌️🕊

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