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Ratvan

It maybe time to walk away

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I just need to get this off my chest. 

Most of this will be ranting, rambling and not make a lot of sense (welcome to the inside of my head) 

I have been in a relationship with my better half Megan for nearly 11 years, for about 5 of those we have been engaged. However the last 3-4 years, I don''t know, and especially the last 6 Months. I know I am going through a rough time and need to be kind to myself and I know that I have changed since i lost my family,  and I know Megan has as well since she lost her father 3 years ago and her mother came to live with us as she could no longer support herself.

We have been talking about our marriage for years now, and to be honest each time I get a little less excited, I don't know what the issue is. I love her, but I think she needs to find someone else to start a family with. I don't want Children, Megan has known for years now that I don't want Children but it seems that she's trying to change my mind. A little back history is that Megan wanted Cats, I didn't like cats and in the end we got cats and I honestly love them both so much, I'm worried that it's the same with Children, however if I don't form an attachment like i did with our pets (i find animals so much easier to get on with than humans). 

Now I started a New Job in November, and honestly I love it. December was very difficult due to it being the first year's anniversary but I managed to make it through without too many issues/public melt downs etc and managed to go out to the Christmas Party (for an hour, but I still made it - people exhaust me) however it does leave me exhausted and I know that when I walk in i'm not smiling (another thing that annoys me - but I digress - again!) so when I get home it's usually interpreted as I'm in a foul mood and things usually rapidly deteriorate from there with an argument. I've tried faking it, but that leaves me in a bad mood, whereas I'm neutral (probably best word for it) it comes across that i'm down/angry/moody. 

I spent the little time I had to myself this weekend searching for flats and trying to make sense of my finances so that I can afford this move. I know that financially it will be for the best as really I only need a place to sleep and 3 shelves for my fish but I know that Megan isn't currently working (she's really struggling with anti depressants) so this makes me worry for Megan, Anne (her mother) and our pets that I won't be able to take with me (2 Cats - don't want to separate them brother and sister, Rabbit, Dog). She's my best friend and I know that I'll lose that when I go. This is heart breaking but I feel like I can't carry on as it is

 

 

 

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I'm sorry you feel stuck like that. Is she able to get on any financial assistance at all? Or her mother?  Maybe let her know how you feel so she can start to figure out how to support herself? Would you be able to keep all the animals if she was unable to? 

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6 minutes ago, ICanDoThis said:

I'm sorry you feel stuck like that. Is she able to get on any financial assistance at all? Or her mother?  Maybe let her know how you feel so she can start to figure out how to support herself? Would you be able to keep all the animals if she was unable to? 

She's been out of work for about 4 months now, her job was SO stressful and changed her personality a lot. It's only now that she's feeling able to pick herself up and go job hunting. She'll get work eventually she just needs to find her confidence again. Her mother is a more difficult situation, she is over retirement age and because she was born in the Uk she is entitled to State Pension but that is it, she'll have to find her own money or apply for some assistance to live by herself. Also she's recovering from a Surgery to remove Colon Cancer so not really all that up to strength and everything gets left to me and Megan. 

Animal wise, my fish (all of them) will come with me, other than that I have no idea. We can't split the Cats and to be honest I wont have time or space for the Bunny. In all honesty this is whats causing me most of the issues, I love them all (including Megan and Anne) I'm just not happy, and I am terrified of walking away because that means I will start again with precisely 0 apart from my Fish.   

We've talked about this several times, I just get the impression that Megan thinks that once a kid comes along i'll change how i feel. I just can't see that and what makes matters worse for me is that I know she'll be an amazing mother seeing her with her friends children

 

 

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im sorry i can understand the cats because they are animals, but children are a big issue. i don't think its fair that she is pushing you to consider if you know deep down you aren't that that type of person who does not want children. that's something you need to really think before you do, it's life changing.

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4 minutes ago, Ratvan said:

She's been out of work for about 4 months now, her job was SO stressful and changed her personality a lot. It's only now that she's feeling able to pick herself up and go job hunting. She'll get work eventually she just needs to find her confidence again. Her mother is a more difficult situation, she is over retirement age and because she was born in the Uk she is entitled to State Pension but that is it, she'll have to find her own money or apply for some assistance to live by herself. Also she's recovering from a Surgery to remove Colon Cancer so not really all that up to strength and everything gets left to me and Megan. 

Animal wise, my fish (all of them) will come with me, other than that I have no idea. We can't split the Cats and to be honest I wont have time or space for the Bunny. In all honesty this is whats causing me most of the issues, I love them all (including Megan and Anne) I'm just not happy, and I am terrified of walking away because that means I will start again with precisely 0 apart from my Fish.   

We've talked about this several times, I just get the impression that Megan thinks that once a kid comes along i'll change how i feel. I just can't see that and what makes matters worse for me is that I know she'll be an amazing mother seeing her with her friends children

 

 

It seems like you really care for Megan, and I admire the fact that you are standing by her side and her mothers side while they are going through such difficult changes. But in my opinion I know you love her, and she's your other half, but you need to be happy too. If there are things you can't and aren't willing to do to make her happy, she needs to realize that and accept it if you want to remain together. Otherwise the relationship will have problems, and a child is a big issue. Can you go to couples therapy ? or talk to someone there? or is that not an option..

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Don't look at it as walking away with nothing...look at it as a fresh start. You never know after awhile she may see you two are better off being friends. You see people differently when you're not in a relationship with them. 

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12 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

It seems like you really care for Megan, and I admire the fact that you are standing by her side and her mothers side while they are going through such difficult changes. But in my opinion I know you love her, and she's your other half, but you need to be happy too. If there are things you can't and aren't willing to do to make her happy, she needs to realize that and accept it if you want to remain together. Otherwise the relationship will have problems, and a child is a big issue. Can you go to couples therapy ? or talk to someone there? or is that not an option..

Well we've been together for 11 Years, and yes I love her a lot. She's helped me out so much and made me want to be a better person. She's saved my life literally a couple of times and figuratively a lot more. She helped me get clean from a horrific drugs habit and has pushed me into a job that I love (after a lot of years studying and getting knocked back). 

I don't like Therapy, I have had years of bad experiences. We tried earlier when my family passed to go together so she could try and understand and help what I was feeling but I have never found someone I feel comfortable speaking with or want to see more than the once. 

Speaking to someone else is another issue, sadly one that I have made myself. I don't do friends. I work in a team of 6 people and to be honest that's enough people for me for any day, I was probably only really close to my Brother but since he now lives in NZ its more difficult. All "Friends" around me are more Megan's then mine, which leads to issues speaking to someone as I don't want Chinese whispers and that getting back to Megan making things worse

4 minutes ago, ICanDoThis said:

Don't look at it as walking away with nothing...look at it as a fresh start. You never know after awhile she may see you two are better off being friends. You see people differently when you're not in a relationship with them. 

I hear what you're saying but for me that's how I see things. Everything in that house we bought and I wouldn't want that memory

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Your perspective may change as you start getting new things. I get what you're saying I was just trying to put a positive spin on a crappy situation.  

 

BTW. Completely off topic.  You are the only person I've ever talked to that has loaches like mine. (Pretty sure I saw they were like mine. I couldnt find the post again)Most people have the ones that look similar to Cory's. I thought that was kind of cool. 

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4 minutes ago, ICanDoThis said:

Your perspective may change as you start getting new things. I get what you're saying I was just trying to put a positive spin on a crappy situation.  

 

BTW. Completely off topic.  You are the only person I've ever talked to that has loaches like mine. (Pretty sure I saw they were like mine. I couldnt find the post again)Most people have the ones that look similar to Cory's. I thought that was kind of cool. 

 Khuli Loaches? Yeah they're definitely different lol. Cannot use under Gravel heaters any more 😞

Although in fairness i do have both Pygmy, Salt and Pepper and Red Aenus Cory's as well 

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fwiw, it sounds like you need an ear that's outside your (Megan's) social circle.  Does NHS permit you to "shop" for therapists?  I know you don't like them, but that's the best advice I have.

I was struck that you've spent five of the eleven years engaged.  Was there a reason you never tied the knot?  From the outside looking in, that seems a warning sign.

Children are, imo, definitely off the table in any discussion.  They're not pawns or solutions for relationship or personal problems.  To be candid, I believe she needs to get off of that...for the child's sake.

That you're evaluating your situation in these terms says a lot about your recovery.  Heck, of course you'd want to make the most of it and yourself.  One litmus test I've used is whether a situation will adversely affect mine and what I can do about it.  "Courage to change the things I can" doesn't even begin to describe the emotional effort involved.

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Yeah I have one that is striped and three black. I used to have golden dojo loaches when we lived in CA but havent been able to find them again. They're probably my favorite fish. Fun to watch when they decide to be active. 

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3 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

fwiw, it sounds like you need an ear that's outside your (Megan's) social circle.  Does NHS permit you to "shop" for therapists?  I know you don't like them, but that's the best advice I have.

I was struck that you've spent five of the eleven years engaged.  Was there a reason you never tied the knot?  From the outside looking in, that seems a warning sign.

Children are, imo, definitely off the table in any discussion.  They're not pawns or solutions for relationship or personal problems.  To be candid, I believe she needs to get off of that...for the child's sake.

That you're evaluating your situation in these terms says a lot about your recovery.  Heck, of course you'd want to make the most of it and yourself.  One litmus test I've used is whether a situation will adversely affect mine and what I can do about it.  "Courage to change the things I can" doesn't even begin to describe the emotional effort involved.

I agree with others... If you feel like its time to move on and its bringing you down. I would move on. Plus the fact that you spent so much time engaged, not getting married, and just being together, maybe that's a sign?  I guess if you feel that its time to move on, and she's stuck on children, and won't change her mind. maybe it's time to move on and like Mark said look outside Megan's circle

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2 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

fwiw, it sounds like you need an ear that's outside your (Megan's) social circle.  Does NHS permit you to "shop" for therapists?  I know you don't like them, but that's the best advice I have.

I was struck that you've spent five of the eleven years engaged.  Was there a reason you never tied the knot?  From the outside looking in, that seems a warning sign.

Children are, imo, definitely off the table in any discussion.  They're not pawns or solutions for relationship or personal problems.  To be candid, I believe she needs to get off of that...for the child's sake.

That you're evaluating your situation in these terms says a lot about your recovery.  Heck, of course you'd want to make the most of it and yourself.  One litmus test I've used is whether a situation will adversely affect mine and what I can do about it.  "Courage to change the things I can" doesn't even begin to describe the emotional effort involved.

5 Years Engaged, yeah. Just life kept getting in the way

Essentially whenever we'd save up enough and get excited about setting a date something would happen. The 1st was about 4 years ago Megan's father passed away, they lived in Zimbabwe at the time so no hesitation packed Megan off to Zimbabwe for a few weeks to help with the funeral and look after her mum.

3 Years ago, I had an accident while travelling. Stupidly I did not take travel insurance so the operation wiped out the wedding fund again.  

2 years ago I decided to set up my own business, after 1 year so much hard work I broke even and then the UK made it mandatory for me to provide a workplace pension. I didn't want to do this as it was far too complicated so I shut the business.

The latest was last year, I had to pay for 3 Funerals in quick succession (Mothers, Grandfathers, Grandmother's) sadly my family is not good with money and I had to use the meagre savings to pay off my mother's debt after she passed. Also we got Megan's mum across from Zimbabwe so she could get some decent NHS care for Cancer treatments

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6 minutes ago, Ratvan said:

5 Years Engaged, yeah. Just life kept getting in the way

Essentially whenever we'd save up enough and get excited about setting a date something would happen. The 1st was about 4 years ago Megan's father passed away, they lived in Zimbabwe at the time so no hesitation packed Megan off to Zimbabwe for a few weeks to help with the funeral and look after her mum.

3 Years ago, I had an accident while travelling. Stupidly I did not take travel insurance so the operation wiped out the wedding fund again.  

2 years ago I decided to set up my own business, after 1 year so much hard work I broke even and then the UK made it mandatory for me to provide a workplace pension. I didn't want to do this as it was far too complicated so I shut the business.

The latest was last year, I had to pay for 3 Funerals in quick succession (Mothers, Grandfathers, Grandmother's) sadly my family is not good with money and I had to use the meagre savings to pay off my mother's debt after she passed. Also we got Megan's mum across from Zimbabwe so she could get some decent NHS care for Cancer treatments

maybe life always getting in a way is another sign? i mean i don't want to judge ( i never dreamed of a big wedding, my family isn't that wealthy either..) i would have married my fiancee at the city hall but i realized we didn't match after living together..

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A more practical note as an addendum.  Unfortunately, when/if you get married, their problems DO become yours.  If things are this rough now, I don't see how marriage would improve those problems.

I don't want to come across as flippant or shallow.  I've had a situation with my elderly mother the past several months that, to some more codependent eyes, made me "the bad guy."  But she's (mostly) out of my hair, getting the care she needs and, most importantly, my sanity is coming back.  But I've had to fight like hell to keep it.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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5 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

A more practical note as an addendum.  Unfortunately, when/if you get married, their problems DO become yours.  If things are this rough now, I don't see how marriage would improve those problems.

I don't want to come across as flippant or shallow.  I've had a situation with my elderly mother the past several months that, to some more codependent eyes, made me "the bad guy."  But she's (mostly) out of my hair, getting the care she needs and, most importantly, my sanity is coming back.  But I've had to fight like hell to keep it.

yes I definitely agree. thats why i decided to live with my boyfriend/fiance before getting married and serious. when you live with someone (even studies say it sometimes its better you do that before you tie the knot..) you see such a different side of them.  not that i am perfect (we all have our faults) but he changed and expected me to do everything around the house as the woman of the house, and with work, school, i couldn't deal with it. i started noticing things and i couldn't imagine myself spending the rest of my life with this person so i decided to end it.

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20 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

yes I definitely agree. thats why i decided to live with my boyfriend/fiance before getting married and serious. when you live with someone (even studies say it sometimes its better you do that before you tie the knot..) you see such a different side of them.  not that i am perfect (we all have our faults) but he changed and expected me to do everything around the house as the woman of the house, and with work, school, i couldn't deal with it. i started noticing things and i couldn't imagine myself spending the rest of my life with this person so i decided to end it.

That sounds like some really good advice 

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48 minutes ago, Ratvan said:

5 Years Engaged, yeah. Just life kept getting in the way

Essentially whenever we'd save up enough and get excited about setting a date something would happen. The 1st was about 4 years ago Megan's father passed away, they lived in Zimbabwe at the time so no hesitation packed Megan off to Zimbabwe for a few weeks to help with the funeral and look after her mum.

3 Years ago, I had an accident while travelling. Stupidly I did not take travel insurance so the operation wiped out the wedding fund again.  

2 years ago I decided to set up my own business, after 1 year so much hard work I broke even and then the UK made it mandatory for me to provide a workplace pension. I didn't want to do this as it was far too complicated so I shut the business.

The latest was last year, I had to pay for 3 Funerals in quick succession (Mothers, Grandfathers, Grandmother's) sadly my family is not good with money and I had to use the meagre savings to pay off my mother's debt after she passed. Also we got Megan's mum across from Zimbabwe so she could get some decent NHS care for Cancer treatments

What you have just described shows that you are a conqueror when things arrives in your life and this means that you are ready for anything that comes up in your life.  

You’re ready for the next best thing in your life.  But only you can decide what the next best thing is going to be in your future.  I wish you nothing but the best as you move forward with your life.

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8 minutes ago, Ratvan said:

Thank you all, I will sit down and try and have a heart to heart with her tonight, we need to talk about our tenancy which runs out in March, so this could be a good time.. i hope

Best of luck my friend 

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Ratvan it sounds like the two of you have a lot to process.

Marriage is a big deal, and yes I believe its a critical component of healthy adulting.  Don't position yourself against marriage and there will never be a perfect time to take the plunge.  I don't necessarily share the idea that's it's time to split with your girl, but I do think it's time for a change--marriage or split.  I can't help but think that you two might compliment each other so don't throw this relationship away lightly.  And marriage does not equal children, that's commitment on another level.  Don't take anything like that on until you can commit to each other.  And that's the rub isn't it.  Being vulnerable with someone is tough, if you can't do that with her after all these years you're going to need to steel yourself to do that with a future girl.  It's the next step bro.  Prayers.

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Ok so we had a long chat last night,

Long story short, we've agreed that I need a short break and I'm going to be taking a bit of time to myself. In all honesty I have not really taken a break since everything happened with my family (Dec 2017) so this weekend I am temporarily moving into a serviced apartment for a couple of weeks, i'll see how I do and feel. I will be popping back every now and then to see the pets, sort the fish, maintenance etc but the focus is going to be on relaxing and reflection on both myself and our relationship. 

Megan really wants to get back to work, I think that spending so much time with her Mother isn't good for her (I know she's had surgery but I feel that she milks it) so tonight I'll be helping with her CV and signing her up to some job agencies, if the worst happens and I do decide to leave I don't want to land Megan in any financial troubles so going nowhere until that's sorted (This is in my mind no-one knows of this outside of here). I also finally managed to persuade Anne to venture out of the house, she only went down the road to the shops but that's probably the furthest she has walked since June/July (when she had the surgery) I've also set her up with a phone call today from a NHS service that looks at getting some more support for her post cancer care. 

This morning I have spoken to my GP and made an appointment to speak with him again, we usually do not get on well (i.e. he gives me pills, I tell the truth and don't take them get told i'm doing better and he reduces the dosage while I still don't take them and round and round we go in this stupid circle of pretence - I hate feeling medicated, I like to be in control of me and have done for the last 9 years of being clean and sobre) I also got bitten by one of the local cats last night (my fault completely - I was hand feeding treats and git got too excited and chomped my finger) I think my last Tetnus shot was in 1994 so need a shot as well. YAY.

I also started drawing/sketching again last night, something I have not done in a few years. I have wanted anotehr Tattoo for a long while now and think that now is probably a good time to start the process and give me something to look forwards to, didn't go down too well with Anne but at the end of the day, it's my body and it's how i want to decorate it. I'm roughly 50% covered and have not regretted a single tattoo (well since i had the cover ups lol)

One really big positive from last night is that I hope that Megan understands that she is not responsible for my emotions or happiness, we've both been looking after each other for so long I think that we both have forgotten to take care of ourselves, hopefully moving forwards we can both stick to that at the very least. 

Thanks for listening

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36 minutes ago, ICanDoThis said:

Glad you were able to talk things out. I hope things start getting better for you. Ink therapy is always good too. 

Ha yeah, just need to find some space to squeeze a new one in, might have to bite the bullet and get my stomach, feet, neck or armpits done yay the really sore parts. 

I'm happy that at the very least we both know where we stand, it's not all one sided (obviously) and Megan brought up some things that I definitely need to work on regardless of whether we stay or go our separate ways. I'm looking forwards to a few weeks away from everyone and everything (apart from my Fish) and am really looking forwards to being TV and WIFI free and just focus on myself and lose the distractions. I'll have access to the Swimming Pool, Sauna and Gym while I stay there so i am going to make the most of that. 

In other news I have also signed up for some Muay Thai and Akido Classes that take place on a Tuesday (yay tonight) and Thursday so I am slowly filling up my diary with events and hopefully meet and make friends or at least acquaintances so now i'm busy every evening and have the weekends all alone to relax, I am also going to be looking for some Apartments/Studio Flats that are up for rent, just so that I have an idea of the costs of moving and also the size of property that I can afford and still have enough left to save for my own place or if i emigrate like i secretly want to

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