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MaepleSyrup

I don't think this friend thing is working out.

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I know some of you are aware that I've been talking to two people- as I still struggle to call them my friends. But the thing is, my family found out about them recently. I will say that it's a group of LGBT people. So the group consists of trans, pans, and non binaries. Totally not the kind of people I ever saw myself talking to as much as I do. But I'm nothing like them. I'm not attracted to people of the same gender, I'm not trans, and I'm not non binary. I'm not attracted to anyone.

But with my family knowing that I talk about them often and that I always mention one in particular (because I see them more often than the other), they've come to think that me and the other person has something between us going on in that kind of way. I know I've mentioned to them that they are already in a relationship with another trans, and that I don't want to ever be in a relationship, they keep suspecting things. And honestly, it's getting to the point where I'm bothered and stressed by it.

They've already asked me if I was dating one of them, and of course, I said no. Which I'm not. But they keep thinking I'm involved in those kinds of things, and it frustrates me to the point that no matter what I say, they're not going to believe me. That's how they're making me feel. And I'm already at that point where I just...want to close off this bond I've been growing between those two.

If I'm not improving with my trust issues and if it's really making my family that curious, then I don't think I can continue the bond I've been building. They are nice people, trust me. But...with how things have been, I'm stressed about it now. I can't keep dealing with this unnecessary suspicion my family's been having.

I tried telling them it's not like that, but it just pushes their curiousity further. And I hate it. I already know I'll start avoiding those two now because of this. But it keeps my stress at bay. Nothing else has worked out.

Any thoughts or feedback are much appreciated

Thank you for reading

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What you describe, Maeple, reminds me of nosy neighbors who, whatever the reality is, will nevertheless construct their own gossipy narrative.  In my own experience that could apply to some far-off family members.  Either way, to my point of view, it's petty and disrespectful.  And I'm sorry you're faced with it.

I'm wondering, too, if their perceptions come from a place of not even knowing anyone whose sexuality is different from their own.  Some of the most outrageous statements I've heard come from those people who'd ask a gay couple, "Who's the boy and who's the girl?"  Same thing can be said for racial stereotypes.

Most importantly, I cannot emphasize enough that YOU choose your friends.  You don't need anyone else's approval, doubly so if your friends' feeling are mutual.  I'd surmise, especially among the trans community, your friends could probably relate and even provide some useful feedback since some have probably really been in the thick of it with their own families.

I don't know the situation with your family, whether you're living with them, whether there's a history of emotional blackmail, etc.  Perhaps you could fill us in.  On the face of it, what you describe as "curiosity" could just be woeful ignorance...and I don't know how to advise you.

Since I'm from the Stonewall era, I tend to be more in-your-face on the issue (i.e., bachelorette parties at gay bars are NOT cool) and my inclinations probably wouldn't be helpful.

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On January 10, 2019 at 9:12 PM, Epictetus said:

Are you very close with your family?  Do you enjoy spending a lot of time with them?  Knowing that might help me better understand your situation.

I am very close to my family- and I always spend time with them, 24/7. They also know I never really talk to anybody, knowing how antisocial I am. And they know I never have or never want to be in a relationship. So that's probably what's pushing them to think those things

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On January 10, 2019 at 9:40 PM, MarkintheDark said:

Perhaps you could fill us in.  On the face of it, what you describe as "curiosity" could just be woeful ignorance...and I don't know how to advise you.

I'm a huge introvert and my family knows that. They know I have a hard time even wanting friends- I'm already close enough with my coworkers. I guess after hearing about these two people so suddenly are making them wonder what's going on. I've told them it's nothing like that, and just the thought of anything like that really bothered me- I told them this.

They told me they weren't suspecting anything, they were just wondering because I've been down a lot. I told them it was just me being tired and stressed, since they don't know about my depression, but they keep pushing it. And even though I told them and they still seem to think something is going on, it just bothers and irritates me.

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17 hours ago, Atra said:

Would inviting two friends over to meet your family be helpful (since they seem so curious), do you think?

I can't bring them over- I live out of town and my schedule is always full so I don't have a free night. My family briefly met one of them recently. But it didn't really seem to help much with their thoughts

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I'm getting a clearer picture.  Thx.

Sounds like these friendships have been a way for you to isolate less and they're obviously beneficial to you.  Again, I'd hang on to them.

As for the folks, it sounds like they're still "parenting" and haven't quite accepted you're no longer a helpless little child.  imo, they'll have to adjust, not you.  They'll have to accept you have your own life, your own friends, and that they're not supposed to be involved 24/7 any more.  That being said, their reaction is not uncommon as they struggle to understand the "baby" is now an adult.  (fwiw, I'm probably a lot older than them and have seen a little more life)  My two bits....

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8 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I'm getting a clearer picture.  Thx.

Sounds like these friendships have been a way for you to isolate less and they're obviously beneficial to you.  Again, I'd hang on to them.

As for the folks, it sounds like they're still "parenting" and haven't quite accepted you're no longer a helpless little child.  imo, they'll have to adjust, not you.  They'll have to accept you have your own life, your own friends, and that they're not supposed to be involved 24/7 any more.  That being said, their reaction is not uncommon as they struggle to understand the "baby" is now an adult.  (fwiw, I'm probably a lot older than them and have seen a little more life)  My two bits....

One of the hardest things in life is to accept that your love ones are growing up and

no longer need you to hold there hands

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The whole no relationship-thing can be hard for parents to understand. I've been single my whole life and whenever I would mention a female friend my parents would start thinking that there must be something going on, it was annoying as hell. It took a LONG time for them to really accept that I was never going to be bringing home a girlfriend...

Most people cannot comprehend why anyone would want to stay single so some will start thinking that you must be in the closet. Not sure there's much you can do, people will think what they want. Don't let this ruin your friendships though, at some point your parents will realize that nothing is going on. 

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13 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Sounds like these friendships have been a way for you to isolate less and they're obviously beneficial to you.  Again, I'd hang on to them.

I still hang out with my family every single day- I spend a lot of my time with them. If anything, I never find chances for me to hang out with those other two.

It's weird when it comes to those two people. Sometimes I enjoy spending time with them, while other times, I just feel the need to keep some distance away from them. I suspect they don't like me sometimes, or I'm too boring to talk to. We don't relate to each other all that much, and it's just hard believing I'd mean something to them. And my thoughts stress me out- hence why I purposely avoid them sometimes.

As rude as it is to say it, but sometimes I wish I was a loner again. Where I didn't have anyone to talk to in my personal life. Having to worry and being stressed was one of the reasons why I avoided making friends in the first place

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31 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

The whole no relationship-thing can be hard for parents to understand. I've been single my whole life and whenever I would mention a female friend my parents would start thinking that there must be something going on, it was annoying as hell. It took a LONG time for them to really accept that I was never going to be bringing home a girlfriend...

Most people cannot comprehend why anyone would want to stay single so some will start thinking that you must be in the closet. Not sure there's much you can do, people will think what they want. Don't let this ruin your friendships though, at some point your parents will realize that nothing is going on. 

My mom is very understanding on why I wish to stay single my entire life. My grandparents, not so much.

My grandmother keeps thinking I will find somebody. But whenever she complains about her marriage, I always say "There goes another reason on why you should stay single" and it always pisses her off XD And then my grandfather thinks I'll have a family and it sickens me that he thinks that.

Other people see me differently because I want to stay single. That's what makes it hard sometimes to tell other people. Though I'm glad you can relate to this- I haven't met other people who've been single this long. I don't know if you wish to be single your entire life too, but that helps me feel better. So I appreciate you sharing your connection!

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15 minutes ago, MaepleSyrup said:

It's weird when it comes to those two people. Sometimes I enjoy spending time with them, while other times, I just feel the need to keep some distance away from them. I suspect they don't like me sometimes, or I'm too boring to talk to. We don't relate to each other all that much, and it's just hard believing I'd mean something to them. And my thoughts stress me out- hence why I purposely avoid them sometimes.

I think there are more than a few people here on DF who can relate to that, me included.  otoh, feeling the need to keep your distance I think goes with almost any friendship.  Third, considering isolation, this is a fresh experience for you and understandibly you might feel it's pushing your abilities, so you take a breather.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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who

11 minutes ago, MaepleSyrup said:

I don't know if you wish to be single your entire life too, but that helps me feel better.

Consider you've just met someone (me!) who's been (mostly) happily single for 25 years or so.  Like you, I prefer it.  My depression may have something to do with it, but I treasure the ability to make my own day, with as few pressures from others as possible.  An extreme example, but being caregiver to my elderly mother the past year has wiped me out.  Now that she's in assisted living, I'm just starting to recover my equilibrium.

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39 minutes ago, MaepleSyrup said:

Though I'm glad you can relate to this- I haven't met other people who've been single this long. I don't know if you wish to be single your entire life too, but that helps me feel better. So I appreciate you sharing your connection!

I'm not single by choice but it's for the best. I am definitely not relationship material, I have way too many issues that would lead to constant conflict. Knowing this I don't make an effort to meet anyone, not that I wouldn't want to but I just can't see anyone being interested in me, and even if, they would lose interest once they got to know me. 

So different circumstances but same end result, a lot of people not understanding how I can be single and why I don't even try to find love. 

41 minutes ago, MaepleSyrup said:

My grandmother keeps thinking I will find somebody. But whenever she complains about her marriage, I always say "There goes another reason on why you should stay single" and it always pisses her off XD

lol, sounds familiar. Mine was always on my case because she wanted great-grandchildren. She too has many psychological issues and has been miserable in her marriage and yet she kept insisting I need to get married and have kids. My brother took care of  the great-grandchildren thing so I'm off the hook 😂

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When my sister-in-law and mother bring up the subject I used to react emotionally, shut them both down with retorts like "yo check it out: I have two mental illnesses that tap all my energy, I have no job, I can barely maintain in social situations and I eat more pills each day than most grandmas - so yeah, who could resist gettin them somma that?" 🤣

I came to realize that they didn't mean to apply pressure, they just want me to be happy and loved and not lonely.

But then when I was spending time with a depressed friend who also isolates, my family asked me and asked her why we hung out so much (there was a subtext to that question of course). It's nice that they take an interest in my life but that was some kinda nosey to be asking us both. 

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On January 12, 2019 at 11:57 AM, MarkintheDark said:

I think there are more than a few people here on DF who can relate to that, me included.  otoh, feeling the need to keep your distance I think goes with almost any friendship.  Third, considering isolation, this is a fresh experience for you and understandibly you might feel it's pushing your abilities, so you take a breather.

These past two days, I've been avoiding them like crazy. Yesterday I didn't spend time with them and I called in today, so this will be the second day I won't talk to them.

I know it sounds mean, but I haven't really been in the mood to socialize lately. I've really been wanting some time for myself, and I'd be lying if I told you some people in our "group" didn't irritate me

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On January 12, 2019 at 12:04 PM, MarkintheDark said:

who

Consider you've just met someone (me!) who's been (mostly) happily single for 25 years or so.  Like you, I prefer it.  My depression may have something to do with it, but I treasure the ability to make my own day, with as few pressures from others as possible.  An extreme example, but being caregiver to my elderly mother the past year has wiped me out.  Now that she's in assisted living, I'm just starting to recover my equilibrium.

That quote was directed towards @lonelyforeigner 🙂

Im glad I've met another person who prefers it. It's nice knowing that you also prefer staying single for a couple of the many reasons I wish to stay single too. I really don't like putting up with people and their bs, along with having to deal with whatever they feel the need to say.

Honestly, it's rare for me to want to make time for people

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On January 12, 2019 at 12:42 PM, lonelyforeigner said:

I'm not single by choice but it's for the best. I am definitely not relationship material, I have way too many issues that would lead to constant conflict.

I completely understand, despite me staying single by choice. I know how you feel- even if I actually did believe in love and romance, I wouldn't be good material either. I'm too independent and closed off from everybody to even open up. I can be a complete brick wall, if anything

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