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HopeBoi

Too many things went wrong quick..and kept going downward

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Well, I was one of the happiest people around until the age of 15- really good grades, sports, friends etc. But I somehow became best friends with the only 2 exepctional people in school- both were really good at everything and I got social anxiety and insecurity and have never made a genuine friend ever since- I do not know how to have a convo. but, I had existing friends, so life was still fun af. My brother soon went off to college, and I realized I mooched of his friends, his hobbies, and his lifestyle so much that I did not know what to do myself, but again, I had existing friends so it was as bad.

But then, we moved. I spent an entire summer isolated. I got into the school year on a low, somehow made friends luckily, got a gf.............then moved again. Spent one month isolated again in a room because school timings did not match. I dealt with really bad depersonalization during that move because I had so much left up stress from school and anxiety. Then school came- I did nothing all day. I went to school, came back home, and repeat. Made no close friends the entire year, not even a single friend, and just gave up on grades. I felt so inferior because my friends back in my hometown became closer, succesful, had so much fun. I hated myself so much I would deprive myself of sleep and food. Every day, I think about killinh myself, because I felt so emtpy, but didnt, because my parents would break down internally.

Then yet another summer came up- spent it isolated. I spent 2 years in a row without a birthday party (it was a huge deal to me ok) and 2 summers in a row isolated.  I became so dead and empty on the inside. Now, junior year- I went from a straight A student in 9th to almost all C's and one D. Still 0 friends. 

My brother in college had  rough year, and went into depression and caused my parents huge stress. With me and my brohter both like this, my home life became fragile and each one of my family member is very much broken internally.

I tried making friends- I suck at it, and such severe anxiety and too much isolation has made me lose the ability to have a convo, and I have not felt loved for a good year and a half. I quit sports, because no clubs are around. I have no hobbies, and have tried talking to my family about this- my dad literally said suck it up, and my mom said stop being sad, because you are making me sad. 

Any tips/advice for me?  

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Hi HopeBoi,

Sorry to hear you are on an uncomfortable coaster ride.  I'm 70, but am very still in touch with who I've been.  If it's any comfort, and doesn't sound condescending, I'll start by suggesting that folks your age are constantly in and out of transitions, lots of changes, and social pot holes are a big part of it.  I mention this because I'd hope that some of it will go away in the next few years.  I remember crying in front of my older brother over a ride I'd promised a friend to get to a party.  My older was seven years older, more like your dad, and looked at me like I'd just landed from Mars.  A few years later, stuff like that no longer had such dire effects on me, and I didn't have to put in any effort to change it. 

Also about that time I got interest in a couple of the classes I was taking, mainly English.  That helped me a lot and has helped me all my life.  You sound like you do all right with friends, just have a bit of a hard time finding new ones.  And that's also hard, especially as you've bounced around a bit one way or another.  Everything sounds, and seems to you, like it's all conspiring against you right now:  mood an expectations effect grades, finding friends weighs on you.  But, you sound ok to me, though you don't feel that way. 

Give yourself a little time and space.  You've a long way to go, and things will be happening fast to you for awhile.  Try to separate class effort and social life as much as you can.  If you decide to go to college, those "down" years and resultant down spiraling grades will come back to bite you.  As from my experience, try to find something that interests you.  Something bigger than a hobby.  I think I started out on Greek mythology.  Could've been science, drama, making stuff.  The world is full of such interesting aspects beyond a boring routine.  Find something outside the ruts you've been stuck in.  It's out there.  Get another girl.  At your age, if you'll just listen to them--and my age, ha--they will already like you, cause boys don't do that.  

So odds and ends, pieces of wisdom maybe.  Keep yourself open, and give yourself a break.  Come back and read other's posts and throw in more of your own.  We'd like to help with bad days, and celebrate the good ones with you.

best luck,

Bulgakov

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Welcome, HopeBoi! Sorry you are having such a hard time. Making friends is difficult for me too. Sounds like depression as a illness might run in your family. Your mom and dad are maybe too stressed with your older brother to be of much help. Can you go and see your doctor about this? That would be a good place to start. 

BW

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I agree with Beyond - it sounds like depression runs in your family and I would definetly see you doctor about it. My younger son (17 like you) was struggling in school and making friends for a lot of his life. He rarely communicated with us about what was going on inside. He just went to school and played on his computer. He saw two therapists over the course of ten years - and some progress seemed to be being made - but not enough to get him out of the depression hole. Then, about six months ago, I suggested to his primary care physician that an anti-depressant might help him. He went on prozac and we went into "wait and see" mode. 

I have seen significant improvement in the last few months, and so has he. His grades are improving, he is finally making progress on his Eagle Scout work and he is planning for his future. He has even started opening up and we are having some great conversations about his musical tastes (heavy metal, not my taste - but I will listen) and his plans for the future. A few weeks back, he said, "Mom, I think that my anti-depressant is actually working." I asked why and he indicated that his cripiling anxiety about going new places seemed to be ebbing. 

I am sorry that it sounds like your parents are rather overwhelmed with dealing with your brother's issues and are not giving you the support you need.

Regarding the friends issue - I will give you the advice I gave my older son when he went to college and had trouble. You have not found your people there yet - but that does not mean you should stop looking, Are there any non-sports clubs at your school that you could check out? It does not mean you have to make a committment - but just go to a few meetings and see if there is anyone there that you can connect with.

 

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My step daughter went through this a few years ago when she was your age. Pretty much everyone told her suck it up or get over it and I didn't really have a solution for her since she didn't spend much time with us. She did start feeling better when she got her first job though. It got her out of the house, away from everyone who was negative, gave her purpose and helped with how shy she was around everyone because she couldn't be shy at work. She was able to make friends gradually with coworkers who were older that she realized she had more in common with. It may help you too? 

 

 

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