Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Frangipani_

Reestablishing friendship with depressed friend

Recommended Posts

Hi!

I had someone in my life that meant a lot to me and was a really good friend for a year when we decided to give a relationship a go. We were only together for 5 months but we loved each other and had met each other’s families. He spiralled into depression and we broke up. We moved way to fast and it triggered his anxiety and depression. Our break up was amicable. We tried to be friends afterwards, which I found difficult.  After a couple of months, he started to cut contact by blocking me on social media. At first I was upset by it but it has been a blessing as I have been able to concentrate on myself and heal. I sent a text in November and he answered straight away. This was the only text I have sent since September. We haven’t had a proper conversation since The beginning of September. I ended up sending him an email in November as my closure, which I had a couple of people read, who said that it was mature and amazing. I didn’t get a response but I wasn’t expecting one.

Unfortunately he has suffered from depression and anxiety for a few years. He self-medicated with alcohol during this time. He had a relationship that ended as his ex didn’t understand and she cheated on him. No doubt the alcohol abuse had something to do with it too. He only got help in 2017 when he started to have suicidal thoughts. This is when I met him.

I miss him a lot. He is a great person. I have no idea how he is going. I would like to reach out to him in a couple of months time. I am not looking at trying to rekindle a relationship as I don’t think I could go through that again with him. Plus he has a lot of demons that I don’t think he is facing.

Any recommendations on how to reestablish a friendship with someone that has previously cut contact with you?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Just tell him that you were thinking of him and hope he's doing OK. There really isn't much to it, either he'll answer or he won't.

There have been many times I cut people out of my life because I realized I wasn't good for them. Other times it was to sabotage my own life. Depression is difficult to live with and sometimes we'll isolate for a while, after that our pride and/or guilt can keep us out from reaching out to people again. Honestly, I would be more than happy if some old friends I cut contact with reached out to me... I miss them but I would never contact them on my own accord because I cannot fathom them wanting me in their lives again. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you so much. I have probably been overanalysing it because of our previous relationship and his actions afterwards. I believe that he probably would feel guilty. As much as it hurt me at the time, I have been able to learn a bit more about mental health and that’s helped me move on and understand. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, Frangipani_ said:

Thank you so much. I have probably been overanalysing it because of our previous relationship and his actions afterwards. I believe that he probably would feel guilty. As much as it hurt me at the time, I have been able to learn a bit more about mental health and that’s helped me move on and understand. 

 

It is easy to overthink.  I would approach slowly, tactfully and gently. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Rattler. I am thinking of baby steps as well. And boundaries are important too. Enough time has now passed that I won’t be mentioning our relationship and I think that starting fresh is the way to go.

Before our relationship, i was one of only a few people that knew and he has opened up to about his mental health battle so I feel blessed that he trusted me with that.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Frangipani_ said:

Thanks Rattler. I am thinking of baby steps as well. And boundaries are important too. Enough time has now passed that I won’t be mentioning our relationship and I think that starting fresh is the way to go.

Before our relationship, i was one of only a few people that knew and he has opened up to about his mental health battle so I feel blessed that he trusted me with that.

Hey @Frangipani_,

Glad what I said was helpful.  I try to be tactful and polite.  A kind word is never wasted and an unkind word can make an enemy for a very long time.  Just remember to keep the mental health as something that never was mentioned. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

imo, it was probably best that it ended and you handled it quite well from the sounds of it.  I suppose I'd caution that some of this is still relatively fresh...absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc.  It's perfectly natural that your curious, but I'd leave it alone.

You might consider that, yes, he blocked you on social media and that he didn't respond to the November letter.  For his part - whatever the reason...depression, booze - that sounds like pretty clear communication to me.  I don't mean to be insensitive or overstate, but it's not up to you to fix anything.  Sometimes it's best to do nothing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 1/8/2019 at 2:48 PM, MarkintheDark said:

imo, it was probably best that it ended and you handled it quite well from the sounds of it.  I suppose I'd caution that some of this is still relatively fresh...absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc.  It's perfectly natural that your curious, but I'd leave it alone.

You might consider that, yes, he blocked you on social media and that he didn't respond to the November letter.  For his part - whatever the reason...depression, booze - that sounds like pretty clear communication to me.  I don't mean to be insensitive or overstate, but it's not up to you to fix anything.  Sometimes it's best to do nothing.

Yeah, that’s something I have thought about as well. Despite me doing nothing wrong and not turning into the crazy ex, he has his own reasons not to want contact with me, and I might never know why.

A lot of people have told me that it was probably best that it ended, including mutual friends. I have to agree with them now. I think a lot of his problems would have been too much for me to have handled. He has a lot of personal development to do. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Frangipani_ said:

He did unblock me on Facebook sometime before mid November. I deactivated my account so I could keep focusing on myself. I am not reading too much into the unblock as it could have just been curiosity.

FB is just a time sink in a bad way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

MM, this is kind of a tough one--I would maybe just let it go since you already sent him an e-mail telling him how you feel...I am sorry you are going through something like this, wish I had more advice for you..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Paris43 said:

MM, this is kind of a tough one--I would maybe just let it go since you already sent him an e-mail telling him how you feel...I am sorry you are going through something like this, wish I had more advice for you..

Yeah, it is a bit of a tough one. What makes it harder was that he was a bit erratic after our break up. He lashed out at one mutual friend and has now burnt that bridge. Discarded a good friend of his who was oblivious to any problems within their friendship. He also wanted to come off his meds.

the last couple of times I saw him, he told me that his doctor said that he didn’t agree on him coming off his meds and he will find another doctor that will help him. The doctor also said that my ex’s moods are either “down here or up here.”. I wish I had asked more about that. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't see any harm in contacting him and letting him know you thought of him and hope he's doing ok. If he replies, you can continue the conversation and just be honest. That you enjoyed having him in your life and if he's comfortable with a friendship, that you'd like that. You two can still be a blessing to each other, especially considering you can tell how much you care for him as a person. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. Sometimes we're meant to be a part of others' lives, just not the way we maybe thought the first time through. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you Ruby. I really do still care about him. I also know that he could probably do with support and he told me after we broke up that he was scared of where his headspace takes him and having someone like me as a friend really helps.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...