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MarkintheDark

WTH Is Wrong With Me?

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Posted (edited)

I haven't started a new thread in a while.  Today has scared me so badly, I'm desperate.  I'd had twinges of anxiety the past few days until it started to blow up yesterday and became unrelenting today...to the point I feel like I'm losing my mind.  This is about the only outlet I have right now.

I thought Mom's move to assisted living on Friday, even with all the help I received, would be a relief from being on-call to her craziness.  (Even congratulated myself for the foresight to track down our state's power of attorney for vehicle sales, which I actually got her to sign).  Took Saturday off, too.  I thought I was pacing myself on clearing out her apartment, selling some items, lining up a charity to take some furniture, and arranging someone to clean.  Heck, I have a whole week yet.

I was thrown an unexpected loop late Friday when my regular computer crashed.  I have a shop to fix it.  In particular, it has my photo processing programs all nicely configured.  But I also dropped an external drive full of personal data, pictures, etc., that may cost me hundreds to recover.  Every time I think about it I feel like I've been kicked in the gut.

So I've spent the day today tortured in an almost perpetual state of physical anxiety symptoms.  Tried naps.  Unconscous. Tried a cooler to calm me down.  Headache.  Hot bath is next.  But, honestly, I don't know what to do.  Several times today, even while driving, I've been on the verge of tears.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Wow, you have done a lot lately and now to have computer issues, it makes sense that you would get triggered. So, sorry, Mark. I so feel for you. Can you call your psychiatrist to maybe give you something to get through this? Maybe journaling could also help?

BW

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15 minutes ago, BeyondWeary said:

Can you call your psychiatrist to maybe give you something to get through this? Maybe journaling could also help?

The pdoc isn't until the 24th.  tbh, I've been using DF for journaling, dumping, etc.  Have the T on Thurs.  I do have a neighbor with Xanax .5 that's helped me a few times in the past month.  At this point, hell, whatever works.

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Posted (edited)

I may have a partial answer to today's hell.  I dug up info on the Ambien script I took last night and, yeah, anxiety can be a side effect.  I ran it b/c I was about to take one before bed.  I'm gonna skip it...and toss it, frankly. 

I have a Trazodone script that hadn't particularly helped for sleep, but credible sites indicate it's also useful for anxiety.  I'll give it a chance.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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3 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I haven't started a new thread in a while.  Today has scared me so badly, I'm desperate.  I'd had twinges of anxiety the past few days until it started to blow up yesterday and became unrelenting today...to the point I feel like I'm losing my mind.  This is about the only outlet I have right now.

I thought Mom's move to assisted living on Friday, even with all the help I received, would be a relief from being on-call to her craziness.  (Even congratulated myself for the foresight to track down our state's power of attorney for vehicle sales, which I actually got her to sign).  Took Saturday off, too.  I thought I was pacing myself on clearing out her apartment, selling some items, lining up a charity to take some furniture, and arranging someone to clean.  Heck, I have a whole week yet.

I was thrown an unexpected loop late Friday when my regular computer crashed.  I have a shop to fix it.  In particular, it has my photo processing programs all nicely configured.  But I also dropped an external drive full of personal data, pictures, etc., that may cost me hundreds to recover.  Every time I think about it I feel like I've been kicked in the gut.

So I've spent the day today tortured in an almost perpetual state of physical anxiety symptoms.  Tried naps.  Unconscous. Tried a cooler to calm me down.  Headache.  Hot bath is next.  But, honestly, I don't know what to do.  Several times today, even while driving, I've been on the verge of tears.

Almost always have a back up drive dude.

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Posted (edited)

Sorry to hear that MarkIn,

I moved my mom into a partial care facility twelve years ago and it was indeed stressful, even though it went well enough.  No one likes to move out of a house and life they're used to and I'm sure you'll hear about it sometimes.  My mom adjusted and found some friends she wouldn't have made unless put in a communal situation.  Hope you mom does also.

As a non medical specialist in no way, shape or form, your two main stressors sound temporary as I'm sure your mom will adjust, and the computer will be fixed.  So, like you, I'd opt for any pharma help I could get, and trust, for the short term. 

As for your computer.  It's not uncommon for a computer to no longer "see" an external drive after a crash.  The problem ranges all the way from a loose cable to a bad external hard drive.  But, if it's a problem of recognition, the shop techs have ways to narrow that down, so it doesn't necessarily mean all the data has been lost, and even "lost" data is sometimes retrievable.  So, let the shop work, and hope for a little luck and you may get all or some of your stuff back.  (Unless it's already been determined that the drive is fried, and nothing to retrieve.)

 Best of luck with mom's move, and the computer.  Good reason to believe both problems will improve. 

Bulgakov

 

Edited by Bulgakov
editing never ends

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Though I've overposted, I'll keep going on this thread.  I'm doing better.  Some of the anxiety has subsided today, though I feel like it could potentially again crop up almost any moment.  Feels like I'm shell shocked, that is, fragile...and a bit shaky.  I effin' hate these rides.

Seems likely to me that the Ambien script was to blame for some of this.  Did not have a problem with the Trazodone script last night.  For that matter, it may have helped.

Addressed some issues today, basics like groceries.  Got a handle on the ailing lappy that sounds as if it will be resolved in a few days.  Hopeful on data recovery - at least partial - for the external drive with a service I found.  I chose NOT to address anything with Mom's apartment today nor, for that matter, my laundry.  I consciously decided to satisfy myself with progress I felt was unthinkable even 24 hours ago.  I don't wanna f**k this up.

Oh, I napped, too.  Twice.

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On 1/7/2019 at 10:41 PM, MarkintheDark said:

I may have a partial answer to today's hell.  I dug up info on the Ambien script I took last night and, yeah, anxiety can be a side effect.  I ran it b/c I was about to take one before bed.  I'm gonna skip it...and toss it, frankly. 

I have a Trazodone script that hadn't particularly helped for sleep, but credible sites indicate it's also useful for anxiety.  I'll give it a chance.

Anything that helps us sleep can cause anxiety.  It will knock us out but when it wears off our brain will want more which will cause the anxiety in the morning.

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Go figure that, to me, it seemed like it took 24 hours for the Ambien's contribution to my Monday anxiety attacks to subside.  At the end of that I did the Trazodone that helped me sleep.  I was, that following day, able to manage some errands and feel like I was getting back on track.  Took another Tuesday night and actually had a good - dare I say almost normal? - day Wednesday.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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That gradual recovery continued.  Tues was groceries, etc., and getting my IT guy to examine the bricked lappy (RIP).  Wed was heavier than expected activity on cleaning out Mom's place, but it worked out since I was waiting on a potential furniture buyer.  Also started a few hours' research into a replacement lappy's configuration.

It physically caught up with me today, unsurprisingly.  Except for the T early this morning, after which I went back to bed for a few hours, I'm laying low.  Charity pickup is schedule for Monday, exactly the day I needed it and they'll take EVERYTHING, and have a couple people to interview to clean the place Tues.  There's nothing I NEED to do today.

I'm surprised I'm a bit ahead of the game on this project.  Gives me breathing room through the weekend.

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Sounds like the medication is partially to blame - but I would also say that the major stressors of the computer crash and possible loss of data and the transition from being primarily a caregiver probably contributed. From what I am hearing, you are going from a situation where your time was filled with caring for your mom's needs to one where the only needs you have to worry about are your own. Please consider that this transition may not be the relief that you expected, and that may have contributed to your recent troubles. 

When I had little kids at home, their needs dominated my daily life. I looked forward to when both of them would be in school all day, and I would have time to myself (this was before the third child was born). When that blessed day actually arrived, I found myself experiencing more anxiety than I had expected. Not anxiety about my kids being in school - but anxiety caused by the fact that I did not know what to do with myself. All of a sudden the day stretched before me - and I needed to modivate myself to get things done. Compounding the problem was the fact that I had expected to feel freed, but what I really felt was a sense of the emptiness of time and the fact that the things that I had to fill it were not fulfilling (dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc.)

Anyway - I am glad to hear that things are improving - hope it continues!

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Thx JM.  My T and I only just started to explore the reasons today.  You're giving me additional insight.

fwiw, her car still needs a new battery and to be sold.  I'll still have her taxes to do come April.  Otherwise, her care - housing, meals, medical, social - is being met 24/7 by others.  I'd already delegated a lot.  Perhaps taking a slightly different tack on what you're saying, I no longer have to be on-call for whatever emergency/drama she creates.  Cold as it sounds, she's someone else's problem now.

I'm barely a week out of the cray-cray zone and feel like I'm adjusting to the quiet, as if I've been conditioned the past year to expect a "disaster" at any moment.

In that same vein, ironically, avoiding her dramas, particularly in the past 12 months, spurred me to tackle my own stuff as an alternative.  So, yeah, I'll be losing that incentive.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Hi MarkintheDark,

I can relate a little with the mother situation. I took in my mother after I found out she was in an abusive and deceptive relationship. Unfortunately, she doesn't make enough via Social Security and Disability to move into assisted living, and I can't afford it, so eventually I moved her into an apartment for seniors (because her living with my family was way too much on us). Thereafter it was constantly running errands and being "hit-up" so to speak with text messages, and I noticed it was causing me a great deal of stress, so my new years resolution was to eliminate things that cause me stress and she was one of them. So again it sounds cold, but I gave her all the resources she needs to get things done on her own and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I only want to see text messages along the lines of "Hi" and "How are you doing?" from here on out.
I glad your getting through this and I hope things continue to get better out of the disaster zone.

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15 minutes ago, ItsNeverEnough said:

I glad your getting through this and I hope things continue to get better out of the disaster zone.

First, INE, welcome to DF!

That's exactly the kind of reassurance I STILL need.  Thank you.

Seems like you not only recognized the stress it was causing early on, but you DID something about it.  That's worth, like, five stars in my book.  One thing pointed out to me was that Mom would have significantly increased socialization with folks her own age.  I hope the same is true for your mom so it lets you off the hook.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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There is nothing wrong with you. You had so much to deal with. You have done a great job helping you mum to move and deal with the cleaning up. God bless you for that. Not all mother gets blessed with precious daughter to be there for then when they need them. I think you need a break to relax. Am sure I will also be worried if a crush my laptop and have to deal with unbudgeted expenses. Come to think of the data and information that one might lose. That is enough wreck your nerves. Give yourself a treat and see if that might help in any way.

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