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SqueezeWax

I feel like I was ‘accidently’ born gay

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I don’t look like a model from a cologne ad, I don’t have a gift for home decoration/fashion design/hair styling, I don’t have a flashy, high-paying career, I’m not acerbically witty. I’ve never been given a second glance by any of the other gay guys I went to high school or college with. 

I know this sounds terribly self-pitying, but what I am really frustrated with is the way gay men are portrayed on Bravo TV, or anywhere else for that matter. They make ‘us’ out to be nearly superhuman, and I sometimes half-jokingly wonder why I wasn’t given any of the wonderful attributes every other gay man supposedly has. 

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Posted (edited)

Same reason that women on TV are made out to big big-breasted sex vixens... It's all just stereotypes that people want to see. Being gay has no sway on your personality or looks, it's just random chance and the ones that get people's attentions are the flamboyant good looking ones. Just like no one notices the wall-flower but everybody pays attention to the Pamela Anderson types. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner

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I feel like gay men are loved and accepted as long as they’re good looking, successful, and will entertain you by putting everyone around them down. I hate when Kathy Griffin goes on about ‘My Gays! My Gays! Where are my Gays! I love my Gays!’ because I have a pretty good idea of which ‘gays’ she is speaking of. I have zero interest in being any heterosexual woman’s ‘gay’. So many gay men seem to love being treated as a fashion accessory. 

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Still trying to figure out why Kathy Griffin is even relevant anymore. That woman is NOT funny. I still laugh at how she immediately pulled the victim card after the severed head incident... I'm a comedian, I should be able to say and do whatever I want. How dare you hold me accountable? Misogyny! 

Just be yourself... If some gays want to be fashion accessories and token gays that's their choice.Stay true to yourself, no point in pretending to be something you are not. Average people have always faced an uphill battle, whether gay or straight. 

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Posted (edited)

I don't think this sounds self-pitying at all.  I hear frustration and annoyance.  Eff Bravo, imo.  And, good lord, the gay rags.  Well, those are nice graphics (some of which I'm guilty of producing in my career), but life's not a circuit party.  As @lonelyforeigner said, it's stereotypes.

Unfortunately, so many of us have been subject to so much abuse for so long, the acerbic defense mechanism can become second nature.  The wit's funny to a point, until it becomes a contest to see who can be the nastiest.  Quite often that's exacerbated by booze or drugs.  You can Google it...our rates of drug use are often cited as double that of straight people.  Well, that's no good for anyone.  Since I'm an old fart, I just walk away from that sh#t.

I'm wondering if you have outlets available to you that, for example, don't involve clubbing.  Personally, over the years I've been in a gay running club (yes, we called ourselves "The Frontrunners," after the novel title), participated in organizing various Prides, etc.  Oh, the viciousness can still rear its ugly head, but I DID find real people, too.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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Posted (edited)

I’ve never been to a club...I’ve never been involved in the gay community period, aside from being around plenty of gay guys at the art school I go to. I’ve never felt any more welcome around them than I have with any heterosexual person. Being gay isn’t a lot to have in common, I guess. I resigned myself to the fact that I may never have a physical ‘encounter’ with another man when I was only about 10 years old, when sex Ed was being taught. Over the past year I’ve been getting increasingly frustrated with having no ‘outlet’ aside from masturbating. 

 

P.S. I know it isn’t all about sex. Don’t get me wrong.

Edited by SqueezeWax

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I’m not really looking for love anyway or even friendships. I’m not resistant to either, I just figure they will come along if they are meant to. I’m far more concerned with figuring out what my own strengths are, if I have any, and how to live as a functional, independent adult if I decide to stay on earth long term. Therapists and family often figure my issues revolve around loneliness, but my first priority has always been to find out what I need to be here for. I have developed strong feelings for my therapist, but I don’t entirely understand what is motivating them.

I’m sure my own reluctance to even attempt to engage with others is to partly blame for my lack of a sex life. Some of that does have to do with the fact that the gay male community is so often portrayed as being vicious and hierarchical. And I don’t feel shame over the fact that I’m a virgin at 29 going on 30. If others lack interest, theres not much to be done about that unless maybe I do engage myself. But as much as I think about sex, it’s not my #1 priority. 

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I don’t want to continue to be such a miserablist on this matter, but it’s honestly hard for me to be around other gay guys even when they’re not catty. They’re almost invariably attractive-to-gorgeous, which results in a combination feeling of envy and rejection from their lack of interest. I don’t know if heterosexual people could feel this same way. I wonder if this feeling  is not atypical among gay men. 

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Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, SqueezeWax said:

hey’re almost invariably attractive-to-gorgeous, which results in a combination feeling of envy and rejection from their lack of interest. I don’t know if heterosexual people could feel this same way.

Why would it be different for heterosexual people? I find it very painful to see how attractive people are treated better and to realize that no woman ever has been or will be attracted to me. I see how their body language and demeanor change around attractive men, how they adore every word they say whereas I am always treated with complete indifference. 

I very much doubt that the feeling is atypical for gay men, the ones I've known weren't very attractive and they definitely seemed to struggle with loneliness. Thing is, you might be paying more attention to the attractive ones who have it easy. Same way hetero guys will only pay attention to pretty women and lament that they have it so easy completing forgetting about the wallflowers who may be struggling as much as we do. 

Edited by lonelyforeigner

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Nobody is ever attracted to me or interested in me in any way.  I'm treated like a stray dog by everyone.  The times I ask someone out their reaction is usually the reaction you would expect a real dog to get.  I hate this life more every day!  I get angrier every day.  Some of us have no chance.  God might as well have made me a monkey or maybe he should have just not wasted his time with me in the first place!

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5 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I get angrier every day.  Some of us have no chance.  God might as well have made me a monkey or maybe he should have just not wasted his time with me in the first place!

Same here, I could have been born a different species and would be no less attractive than I am now. Actually, forget that, some animals at least get cuddled... I don't even remember the last time someone hugged me. 

I wish I could just accept the loneliness but right now I can't. It's only going to get more difficult with age, if I live long enough I have to look forward to being one of those miserable old people who slowly rot in a retirement home and never get any visitors, having to watch as others at least have family coming over for their birthday and the major holidays. 

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When anyone looks at me it’s with this expression of unease and confusion, as if I’m this crazy bum who suddenly walked in off the street. To myself, I’m just a trembling leaf of a waif, but for some reason my presence makes people uncomfortable. 

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11 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Same here, I could have been born a different species and would be no less attractive than I am now. Actually, forget that, some animals at least get cuddled... I don't even remember the last time someone hugged me. 

I wish I could just accept the loneliness but right now I can't. It's only going to get more difficult with age, if I live long enough I have to look forward to being one of those miserable old people who slowly rot in a retirement home and never get any visitors, having to watch as others at least have family coming over for their birthday and the major holidays. 

The people in the "retirement home" are alone because they play divide and conquer with your life when you are in that stage of life.  Most people will stop coming and the ones that do show up will be convinced you're the craziest person they have ever met because that's what they will be led to believe.  It's all so you're left alone with the "help" so they can get away with abusing you and draining your medicare and you won't have anyone to stick up for you because nobody believes a word you say.  It will be a case like my grandma that had bruises all over her every time I went to see her and they said oh she must have fallen out of bed again!

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I have realized though that looks truly ‘aren’t everything’, nor are brains or success. There are many not especially attractive, not especially bright, and not especially successful people who not only have had sex at least once in their lifetime, but get married and have children. Most people are content with settling down with someone who is less than a perfect ‘10’. Personality and a certain amount of charisma I suppose count for a lot. I know these are pretty obvious statements, but I think knowing that is what has kept me from beating myself up too badly overly lacking sexual experience, and becoming a raging lunatic ‘incel’. It’s more the envy and admiration handsome men attract that I long for. 

Edited by SqueezeWax

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I don't think you were born gay by an accident. We are the way we are for a reason, and everyone chooses to be a certain way that they want to live their life by once they are born. You may have not found or accepted how genuine you are yet. You, like everyone else, have a uniqueness to them, and when you are ready to embrace it and understand what that is and what it means to you, that's when you understand and notice your own attributes. 

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from one gay to another

you dont need to be insanely sexy, wealthy, or stereotypically ~fabulous~ to be gay. u are u and u are a cool gay dude

if youre having worries that youll just never find the one or whatever -- well everybody's been there regardless of orientation

anyways ily bye

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