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How To Get Over What Others Say?


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Okay so let me know if this is the wrong spot for this. I have been bullied my whole life, you'd think I'd be tough to this stuff now, but reality is that I wasn't given a very strong sense of security as a child and being constantly bullied hasn't left me in a good place. I'm now an adult, and the bullying hasn't stopped or even slowed down, I still get a considerable amount of harassment. For example, the other day my car broke down in the parking lot, and as I was fixing it perfectly fine by myself some guy walks past me and says out loud, "I would help you, but you're ugly, sorry!" and he keeps walking. A) What the **** B) Why did this guy think I had to hear anything he just said? I deal with things like this all the time, people just making comments on what I'm doing or wearing or what have you. I have also been targeted by my peers in my field when I've been nothing but accommodating and polite.

Is everyone bullied every time they leave their house or is it just me? If the latter is the case, why is it that people are so interested in making me a topic of conversation? Are people really so bored that they have nothing to talk about except for the boots I'm wearing or the "character" of my face? I try to frame things that way but it honestly still bothers me so much. I can remember things people said about me years ago that I still think back to and wonder why I had to hear them say such a trite, stupid thing, and yet it still affects me. I've been told that I need to "build resilience" but I'm not sure what that even means considering I have been bullied for my entire life and I'm apparently still not resilient enough.

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You are not alone.  I've been treated this way my whole life.  People can be awful.  I've said it before that there are some of us in this world that everyone seems to target.  It happens our whole lives!  This world creates all of the outsiders and time bombs and when they go off they say I don't understand what happened every time!

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I believe insecurity and self-hatred is what drives some people to say such nasty things. Such people need constant reinforcement that they're among the in group not among the out group. Abusing someone just to feel tall - lasting but for a moment - is one of humanity's weaknesses.

"And I'll never try to give my life meaning by demeaning you"

- "32 Flavors" by Ani Difranco 

It's greatly to your credit that you maintain some civility when this world's show you so much hostility.

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1 hour ago, Stubb said:

Okay so let me know if this is the wrong spot for this. I have been bullied my whole life, you'd think I'd be tough to this stuff now, but reality is that I wasn't given a very strong sense of security as a child and being constantly bullied hasn't left me in a good place. I'm now an adult, and the bullying hasn't stopped or even slowed down, I still get a considerable amount of harassment. For example, the other day my car broke down in the parking lot, and as I was fixing it perfectly fine by myself some guy walks past me and says out loud, "I would help you, but you're ugly, sorry!" and he keeps walking. A) What the **** B) Why did this guy think I had to hear anything he just said? I deal with things like this all the time, people just making comments on what I'm doing or wearing or what have you. I have also been targeted by my peers in my field when I've been nothing but accommodating and polite.

Is everyone bullied every time they leave their house or is it just me? If the latter is the case, why is it that people are so interested in making me a topic of conversation? Are people really so bored that they have nothing to talk about except for the boots I'm wearing or the "character" of my face? I try to frame things that way but it honestly still bothers me so much. I can remember things people said about me years ago that I still think back to and wonder why I had to hear them say such a trite, stupid thing, and yet it still affects me. I've been told that I need to "build resilience" but I'm not sure what that even means considering I have been bullied for my entire life and I'm apparently still not resilient enough.

My friend try to change the way you 

process things, instead of letting it get 

to you.  Start saying something nice to 

them like have a nice day or I know and 

try to laugh about it or joke about it.

people cannot stand it when you use

kindness and you refuses to allow them 

to get under your skin.  They will eventually 

leave you along and find someone else 

to pick on

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4 hours ago, Stubb said:

I've been told that I need to "build resilience" but I'm not sure what that even means considering I have been bullied for my entire life and I'm apparently still not resilient enough.

I don't think it's about resilience. Resilience just means that you won't let comments like that bother you but normal people don't have to put up with them in the first place. 

I used to get bullied in school too and while it's gotten much better I'm still a target when there's a group of young people, it's not unusual for someone to feel the need to make a joke at my expense so they can have a good laugh with their friends. Complete strangers who know nothing about me.

Personally I think it is the way we carry ourselves, people can sense weakness and that makes us an easy ego-boost for them. They would never pick on someone who looks like they might make a huge scene or fight back. If you feel like a victim people will victimize you, it's not fair but it is what it is. So basically the solution is to work on your self-esteem so you appear confident and strong. 

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Yes we shouldn't have to build resilience or be tough all the time.  People should just stop being abusive.  It's absurd to tell someone that's been a human punching bag their whole life to be a stronger punching bag.  We aren't what's wrong.  They are the ones that are wrong and need to change.

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I think bullies are bullies because they want to make themselves feel better by being an ass to to others---The best thing to do is just ignore them and not give them the satisfaction in seeing that they have upset you..it would piss them off I think if you didn't give them the time of day!! 

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4 hours ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Personally I think it is the way we carry ourselves, people can sense weakness and that makes us an easy ego-boost for them. They would never pick on someone who looks like they might make a huge scene or fight back

Amen.  I'm not a strapping, 6-foot-something, 200-some-pound gorilla, but I now usually tend to look people straight in the eye.  Trust me, it's an acquired skill.

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Hi Stubb,

Sorry you have to put up with the meanest form of human communication.  The sort of lack of humanity you describe quite simply cold cocks human evolution.  Resilience for you means you still feel it, still object to it.  Maybe to not notice is the way, but I'm not sure that's possible.  To put it in asteriskal short hand, Some people just need ki**ing. 

I remember a few years back, walking along a sidewalk.  A middle aged guy walked the sidewalk on the far side of the street.  A car slowed down, and a cute teen girl leaned out the window, addressing the man, "Hey, nice rug, jackass," she commented in passing.

His toupee was a bit heaped on top, so what.  I have a hope for comments and commentators such as those.  I hope that one day they will realize the harm they do, and will feel the shame and guilt that should come with dishing out barbs simply for the sake of hurting a  stranger.  That would in fact, be karma, the unavoidable natural consequences of committing indefensible acts. 

I don't know if we can grow skin thick enough or a memory short enough to  let such meanness roll off our backs.  I don't know that we should.  I do believe that there are more people who are not ***holes, than people who are.  Current digitized social interaction fosters such "hit and run" degradation.  If I knew where this person lived, and I were in the area, I would go to their house, put a water hose into a window, and open it to medium so as to escape notice, before strolling on.    As the Grateful Dead said, "Mean People Suck."

Best to you Stubb,

Bulgakov

Edited by Bulgakov
editing never ends
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10 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Amen.  I'm not a strapping, 6-foot-something, 200-some-pound gorilla, but I now usually tend to look people straight in the eye.  Trust me, it's an acquired skill.

Yeah, people can just tell when someone will put up a fight. Even when you're not super strong it's still a risk that they don't wanna take. Most bullies are cowards.

I used to be friends with a woman from work, she was drop-dead gorgeous and you'd think she would've faced a ton of sexual harassment from men. Nope, not once. She had an aura of "try it and you will regret it" so guys knew not to test her. Whether it's bullying, sexual harassment, or pickpockets looking for a target, they will almost always go for the easy prey. 

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On 1/5/2019 at 10:04 AM, lonelyforeigner said:

I don't think it's about resilience. Resilience just means that you won't let comments like that bother you but normal people don't have to put up with them in the first place. 

I used to get bullied in school too and while it's gotten much better I'm still a target when there's a group of young people, it's not unusual for someone to feel the need to make a joke at my expense so they can have a good laugh with their friends. Complete strangers who know nothing about me.

Personally I think it is the way we carry ourselves, people can sense weakness and that makes us an easy ego-boost for them. They would never pick on someone who looks like they might make a huge scene or fight back. If you feel like a victim people will victimize you, it's not fair but it is what it is. So basically the solution is to work on your self-esteem so you appear confident and strong. 

My friend there probably not a perfect answer to this type of question because I’m a strong and very confident  in my role at work and I get picked on to try to draw me out of my character so that they can double, triple team me and get me wrote up on the job and possibly Fired.  Bullying show it self in many ways my friend but the key to it is not to Bow Down to it.  There are some things that you can not change in life and you just leave this world with them.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 1/5/2019 at 9:04 AM, lonelyforeigner said:

Personally I think it is the way we carry ourselves, people can sense weakness and that makes us an easy ego-boost for them. They would never pick on someone who looks like they might make a huge scene or fight back. If you feel like a victim people will victimize you, it's not fair but it is what it is. So basically the solution is to work on your self-esteem so you appear confident and strong. 

I agree the way we carry ourselves may have something to do with it.

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On 1/5/2019 at 11:51 AM, Stubb said:

Okay so let me know if this is the wrong spot for this. I have been bullied my whole life, you'd think I'd be tough to this stuff now, but reality is that I wasn't given a very strong sense of security as a child and being constantly bullied hasn't left me in a good place. I'm now an adult, and the bullying hasn't stopped or even slowed down, I still get a considerable amount of harassment. For example, the other day my car broke down in the parking lot, and as I was fixing it perfectly fine by myself some guy walks past me and says out loud, "I would help you, but you're ugly, sorry!" and he keeps walking. A) What the **** B) Why did this guy think I had to hear anything he just said? I deal with things like this all the time, people just making comments on what I'm doing or wearing or what have you. I have also been targeted by my peers in my field when I've been nothing but accommodating and polite.

Is everyone bullied every time they leave their house or is it just me? If the latter is the case, why is it that people are so interested in making me a topic of conversation? Are people really so bored that they have nothing to talk about except for the boots I'm wearing or the "character" of my face? I try to frame things that way but it honestly still bothers me so much. I can remember things people said about me years ago that I still think back to and wonder why I had to hear them say such a trite, stupid thing, and yet it still affects me. I've been told that I need to "build resilience" but I'm not sure what that even means considering I have been bullied for my entire life and I'm apparently still not resilient enough.

I've put something into place to deal with this. It is not perfect by any means. It boils down to two things.

Does it affect my ability to pay my Bill's? Do I value this person's opinion? 

If either answer is no I pay it no mind. Essentially words are just noises in the air. See their words as a slight breeze. Would a slight breeze upset you?

If the answer is yes, it gets more complicated and I often have to reflect for a while. This is the non perfect part that I need to work on. 

I hope that makes sense.

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4 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

That's' a great way to look at it! 

It has its downfalls and has caused friction a few times but it made me realise I could do better than the people I was with and my former work environment

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  • 11 months later...
On 1/5/2019 at 5:51 AM, Stubb said:

Okay so let me know if this is the wrong spot for this. I have been bullied my whole life, you'd think I'd be tough to this stuff now, but reality is that I wasn't given a very strong sense of security as a child and being constantly bullied hasn't left me in a good place. I'm now an adult, and the bullying hasn't stopped or even slowed down, I still get a considerable amount of harassment. For example, the other day my car broke down in the parking lot, and as I was fixing it perfectly fine by myself some guy walks past me and says out loud, "I would help you, but you're ugly, sorry!" and he keeps walking. A) What the **** B) Why did this guy think I had to hear anything he just said? I deal with things like this all the time, people just making comments on what I'm doing or wearing or what have you. I have also been targeted by my peers in my field when I've been nothing but accommodating and polite.

Is everyone bullied every time they leave their house or is it just me? If the latter is the case, why is it that people are so interested in making me a topic of conversation? Are people really so bored that they have nothing to talk about except for the boots I'm wearing or the "character" of my face? I try to frame things that way but it honestly still bothers me so much. I can remember things people said about me years ago that I still think back to and wonder why I had to hear them say such a trite, stupid thing, and yet it still affects me. I've been told that I need to "build resilience" but I'm not sure what that even means considering I have been bullied for my entire life and I'm apparently still not resilient enough.

For most of my life I heard and believed the term 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.  It took me until my mid-30s to realize what at absolute crock of b*llsh*te that is...

And to realize that 'What doesn't kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a sick sense of humor'. 

What makes you stronger is encouragement and inspiration.  What makes you stronger is knowing what you have to offer and being at peace with your shortcomings. 

Yeah, I'm a long way from that, too.  :blush21:

 

Focus on encouraging yourself, finding out what you have to offer, and what inspires you. 

You are worthwhile, you are unique, you are irreplaceable. 

These concepts will be laughable at first. 

Don't be surprised if you have to challenge some of your long-held ways of seeing yourself and seeing the world in the process.  :console:

 

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  • 5 months later...

I also have been bullied my whole life also, I get emotionally abused everyday in person mainly by religious people. Religious people, especially Muslims dont like me. 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There will be people that will find you attractive and other people that wont. It goes the same for me with girls. Sometimes, guys call girls that they fancy ugly. I really cant tell myself, when its a playful gesture. I think that you will have to harden your heart to things like this and not care what people say or think unless it is positive criticism. Its hard to do but i think you should renew yourself mentally everyday. That way it has less of an effect on you. 

What those guys did is not good either way. You have 2 options, either you can spit fire back or let it go in your mind , both options have their positives and their negatives, but It is really is up-to you. All the best in your life, and i wish you success always.

 

 

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  • 11 months later...
On 1/5/2019 at 11:04 AM, lonelyforeigner said:

I don't think it's about resilience. Resilience just means that you won't let comments like that bother you but normal people don't have to put up with them in the first place. 

I used to get bullied in school too and while it's gotten much better I'm still a target when there's a group of young people, it's not unusual for someone to feel the need to make a joke at my expense so they can have a good laugh with their friends. Complete strangers who know nothing about me.

Personally I think it is the way we carry ourselves, people can sense weakness and that makes us an easy ego-boost for them. They would never pick on someone who looks like they might make a huge scene or fight back. If you feel like a victim people will victimize you, it's not fair but it is what it is. So basically the solution is to work on your self-esteem so you appear confident and strong. 

I agree with you to a point.....for many years of my life I had really bad low self-esteem because of my anxiety and depression, and I still do, but it's gotten better. Certain people bullied and picked on me at school. I was the weirdo to many people who couldn't understand my struggle.

It does not help that society still holds the stigma and will judge you based on mental illness. Personally, I think more people need to be more open about their mental illness, without having the fear that it might impact their daily life, but in this society that we live in it sadly does, and people do not open up freely about it. I feel bad for especially men who do not open up about these type of issues, because they are seen as weak, so it makes it harder for a guy to talk about it openly and freely and reach out to help, compared to a woman. On the other hand I've been called weak as well too, and that didn't help my self-esteem. 

Also it does not help that you could be talking to a co-worker, classmate, etc, about a certain type of illness like "diabetes" (not to pick on diabetic people, just using it as an example) and that's seen as it's okay, but how comfortable do you think the other person would feel if you start telling them about your mental illness? Plenty of times in my lifetime I have tried to see reactions from people that I worked with, and went to school with regarding mental illness/ how would they react about my depression and anxiety?? And so I pretended to start a conversation regarding mental illness, and their responses were like "Oh please those people are weak, it's all in their head, just take vitamins, exercise, I don't believe it, psychology is a joke, etc" were many of the things they said to me.  Given the fact that it's on the top 10 disabilities for the US and probably around the world, you would think people would be more understanding, and society itself would be more open about it. I shouldn't have to be afraid to tell someone I am taking a medication if it's helping me with my anxiety, and depression so why is it okay for others who take a blood pressure medication to say it and not be judged?  Again I'm not picking on those who have other illnesses, because no illness is easy, but why are they seen as "normal" patients who health struggles and we are not??

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  • 3 months later...

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