Jump to content

How Do You Feel Right Now #10


Recommended Posts

After a month of this, I've about forgotten what it's like to wake up without being in the throws of an anxiety attack.  I dread the feeling of adrenaline coursing through my body and hearing my heart pound in my ears.  All it signals to me is yet another damn day of waking torture from which I have no escape.  I have no control over my body any more.

Edited by MarkintheDark
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

After over a month of this, I've about forgotten what it's like to wake up without being in the throws of an anxiety attack.  I dread the feeling of adrenaline coursing through my body and hearing my heart pound in my ears.  All it signals to me is yet another day of waking torture.  I have no control over my body any more.

Oh Mark hang in there. Anxiety attacks suck more so as you wake up. I wish i had the ability to take away everyone's anxiety so that it is one less emotion to go through. Keep moving forward Mark we are here for you!:flowers: 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, shio said:

Oh Mark hang in there. Anxiety attacks suck more so as you wake up.

This probably rates its own thread, but how the hell does anyone ever find a way out of this?  DOES anyone ever find a way out?  Breathing and "good thoughts" are just useless platitudes.  All I have is trazodone.  Pdoc's reluctant on xanax.  I'm on the cusp of tears quite often during the day.  I feel like I'm truly now at the mercy of this and have no way out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well...I'm going to pull the plug on this opportunity that's been hanging out there for me. It's too much of a leap from my current situation. I'd also have to unload some of my responsibilities in order to make it work. My conscience would not allow that.

Once again, the universe conspires against me. I get something tantalizing dangled in front of me, something I would really really like...and I have to turn away.

Same as it ever was.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm hanging in there trying not to think too much yet I have a hard time doing that. When I think of what is ahead, I just want to cry and hide away somewhere. I do have a little time yet it will go fast I'm sure. Then my world will be shaken up and I'm don't think I can handle all that will happen. Life is hard enough now with my illness. I just want to go home (heaven).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I'll never see heaven.  I don't deserve to go there so I will never see mom again.

Except if it exists, you will be going there. How could you not? You have a pure heart.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Except if it exists, you will be going there. How could you not? You have a pure heart.

That made me cry.  That was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.😭💗I know I have to get myself back together and fight.  You really helped me when I desperately needed it and I appreciate it more than you will ever know.  You have been a very good friend to me and have helped me find the light in me at times when I thought the light was burned out forever.:hugs: 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

They said live as long as you could. I live. But we have to admit that the organ called the brain is the body that controls the body. You're the organ that made you. The brain can no longer perform as a manager if it is damaged by an irreversible failure. Sometimes a forced slave returns. Breathing, the body needs most of the orders. But he can't do some of his duties. The tasks that he cannot do carry the human to another world. The ultimate search for peace is the brain.


You want to go when this other world is your only reality. You can't do two things together. The real world and the brain will be lost. When the brain's quest for peace prevails, there isn't much to do.
 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes I was given the worst fate possible.  I found out exactly what would make me happy in life and I know I'm too screwed up to ever be able to get it.  I wish I never found out what would make me happy.  For many years I've wondered if all of this is hell or maybe one of the bad car wrecks I was in put me in a coma and this has been a nightmare ever since.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Yes I was given the worst fate possible.  I found out exactly what would make me happy in life and I know I'm too screwed up to ever be able to get it.  I wish I never found out what would make me happy.  For many years I've wondered if all of this is hell or maybe one of the bad car wrecks I was in put me in a coma and this has been a nightmare ever since.

You will find something else that will make you happy.

Right now I feel: tired and angry, lonely, confused, not wanting to go forward. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@sober4life I haven't been on here long but from what I have read from you, you are an incredibility strong person, who has fought back and survived more than anyone should have to. I can guess that you are tried of fighting and want to find some peace and I can understand that. But I also see that you have a lot to give. You have lessons for people to learn and advice that can guide so many. Just because your immediate physical world does not appreciate you as it should does not mean that you should clear everything and go. I also have to say that if there is a heaven and your mother is there and that is were you want to be you will be there, you have already walked through the rings of fire and there is no need for you to prove your place.

Me tonight: a bit sad and tried (but I am always tried)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, PurpleStorm said:

"Life is what you make it" they say.  Doesn't quite work that way if you don't have the capabilities to make it what you want 😞.  Reflecting on what might have been if I'd had the confidence.

Nostalgia, regret, and living in the past are dead ends, fictions, and designed, by our inner demons (our ego) to destroy us.  

Screw that, Purple, my friend - who I so often miss on here!!! (I'm always so happy to see your postings!!!)

The past is gone and exists only in our egoic mind!

Our mind's story is not objective - and therefore, not TRUE!!!  Our mind's story is one written by a pathetic hack writer.

You, at core, are not that tedious, predictable and overly regurgitated story you mind (pain body, ego) keeps reciting!!!

So, what's next, Purple? 

That's the key!

Edited by salparadise6132
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel surprised and tentative.  In the past I've noticed that when I've inadvertently forgotten to do my AD that day, the day goes better.  And last Friday the pdoc asked if I thought the Prozac might be contributing to my anxiety.  I didn't have any answer I could quantify at the moment.  Today's experience tells me he may have been onto something.

Though this should go in the Meds forum, I'd appreciate anyone's input.

tbh, I was so desperate for some peace Tuesday (yesterday), as I posted, I thought I'd probably do ANYTHING for some peace.  So I "neglected" to take my AD today, took a full tab of the Trazadone script (pdoc says 1-2 daily is ok), and put myself to bed for the afternoon.  When I woke up and for the first time in weeks, I did NOT have an anxiety attack in progress.  Tonight I've had only brief, fleeting anxiety that's quickly dissapated.

My inclination, that I'm mostly ignoring, is to second guess myself.  Izzit the Prozac?  What, then, do I do about the depression?  Do I try it tomorrow with only 10mg instead of 20?  Etc.  At the moment I'm just enjoying the indescribable contrast and, for that matter, peace.

Again, pls, input from anyone with a similar experience.

Edited by MarkintheDark
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

Nostalgia, regret, and living in the past are dead ends, fictions, and designed, by our inner demons (our ego) to destroy us.  

Screw that, Purple, my friend - who I so often miss on here!!! (I'm always so happy to see your postings!!!)

The past is gone and exists only in our egoic mind!

Our mind's story is not objective - and therefore, not TRUE!!!  Our mind's story is one written by a pathetic hack writer.

So, what's next, Purple? 

That's the key!

 Aww, thanks Brian, coming in here is like visiting old friends. 

There's a saying  'Don't look back, you're not going that way', and I really try to live by that, but sometimes those inner demons rear their ugly head and invade your mind with what could have been. 

You're right about our minds story, it wants you to believe that your life could have been perfect if only........, but who's to say that what you really wanted to do back then would have worked out and made you happy anyway.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, sober4life said:

Yes I was given the worst fate possible.  I found out exactly what would make me happy in life and I know I'm too screwed up to ever be able to get it.  I wish I never found out what would make me happy.  For many years I've wondered if all of this is hell or maybe one of the bad car wrecks I was in put me in a coma and this has been a nightmare ever since.

Hi Sober, one thing I've learned over the years is not to think that one thing will make me happy --- meaning, something outside myself or something that I need to obtain to make me happy. Happiness comes from within and doesn't need to be based on anything external. So, you can have less than optimal circumstances, yet be happy enough with what you've got. In order to truly be happy, we need to accept what we have already and feel Ok or comfortable with that.

For those of us who have struggled with mental health issues, it's a bit harder to feel OK with what we've got. But basically I'm saying it doesn't need to be based on something external. Feed yourself sunshine and good feelings and please don't give up! 

Edited by RiverLight
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If that's how it has to work I have to be happy first to get the things I want to make a happy life then it's over.  I've never just been happy in my life not once.  I've always felt happy because of external things.  It's the only way for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, RiverLight said:

Hi Sober, one thing I've learned over the years is not to think that one thing will make me happy --- meaning, something outside myself or something that I need to obtain to make me happy. Happiness comes from within and doesn't need to be based on anything external. So, you can have less than optimal circumstances, yet be happy enough with what you've got. In order to truly be happy, we need to accept what we have already and feel Ok or comfortable with that.

For those of us who have struggled with mental health issues, it's a bit harder to feel OK with what we've got. But basically I'm saying it doesn't need to be based on something external. Feed yourself sunshine and good feelings and please don't give up! 

Try telling this to someone who is having mental health issues BECAUSE of job loss then having his bank account emptied of every last cent

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, iWantRope said:

Try telling this to someone who is having mental health issues BECAUSE of job loss then having his bank account emptied of every last cent

I've been through these things and then some recently, and I know that I have to contribute to my own happiness if it's going to exist. I know this, because I've experienced depression off and on since I was about ten. When I contribute according to evidence-based practices, I get a handle on it and actually use it to fuel my goals. 

Like many things, seeing is believing. I have years of evidence backing it up for me. It's not easy, but it works. I used to be afraid of being happy because of other people's expectations and fear of failure. Now I'm grateful that I know I have some say over how my life looks.

The first therapist I had to really get through to me was a tough-lover, no punch-pulling Italian man from NYC. He's probably in the top three health providers I've ever had. Depressed or not, dying, then dead parent or not, he didn't allow excuses. People who truly care about us don't let us roll around in this shit indefinitely. They have expectations of us and believe in us. There is a way to be sympathetic and not enable depression at the same time.

Radical acceptance is a term used for acceptance of a situation with the understanding that you don't have to agree with it or want it to exist. The world sucks. Many people in it suck. Being happy doesn't invalidate those facts. It means you've stopped giving those facts power of your mind and body and life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, moodyjuniper said:

Lost. This is precisely why that doesn't work for me. I don't want to be this woman anymore.

moodyjuniper l feel the same way - I'm tired of being this woman as well. This is not life....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...