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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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Natasha - I certainly don't know you as well as many others, but I'd offer that you wouldn't be bothered by your transgression if you were a horrible person.  You have a conscience.  It's obviously working.

Good lord, we all eff up - sometimes royally - at one time or another.  I understand if you can't talk to us about it.  But let me gently suggest you talk to someone about it, just to let it out for some fresh air.

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57 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Natasha - I certainly don't know you as well as many others, but I'd offer that you wouldn't be bothered by your transgression if you were a horrible person.  You have a conscience.  It's obviously working.

Good lord, we all eff up - sometimes royally - at one time or another.  I understand if you can't talk to us about it.  But let me gently suggest you talk to someone about it, just to let it out for some fresh air.

I was just thinking the same thing. A conscience is a beautiful thing. It means you're not a monster, Natasha. I agree here, also, that talking to someone - the sooner and more often you can, the better - will really help to keep this weed from taking root too deeply for you for the long term. Anonymous hotline? You can start there. And stay there if you need to. You can even write it out before you call and read it, just to dip your toes in the water at first to show yourself that everything will be okay if you talk about it. 

I bet you could think of at least ten really amazing things you've done for someone. Might be healthy to try. 🙂 

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Gushing with gratitude but can't express it the way I want to.

Tired and sore. My feet are swollen.

Hopeful, happy.

I'm trying not to feel like I have to rush getting well. It's not like I'll wake up one morning and have no more little bugs in my body and be able to declare that they're all gone. This kind of thing stays. How much room it occupies and how much it darkens the space is what we have control over, I think. I'm grateful that I'm the kind of flower who thrives in light and climbs to find it. I've seen people wither for years without sunlight or the will to reach it. It's sad.

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From my experience we can't rush getting well.  Every time I rushed to get well I relapsed again.  I have to understand that I need to get a little better each day and trust me that has been the hardest part of my recovery.  The addict in me struggles with this so much.  I want to be better right now.  It's so hard to see the big picture for me.  A good life is possible for me but I endlessly have to hold myself back because rushing leads to mistakes and rash decisions for me.

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14 hours ago, Natasha1 said:

You and many others if not all on df would never want to speak to me again. I can never speak of this.

Thing is i acted in such a way that is not me. I made choices. But it was me. I was not brought up to be that person. Yet for a time i was

 

Well...no. You underestimate us...you're family to most of us.

I've done some horrendous stuff over the decades. My conscience has swollen to the size of an oil tanker. I wasn't brought up to be that person either, but here I am being that person anyway.

As others have said, you have a conscience. That proves you're not a sociopath or whatever.

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I started taking Vitamin B12 over the weekend, on the recommendation of a depressed friend of mine. It's supposed to help "mental health" so I'll give it a shot.

I'm doing OK today. Not letting work get me down. I'm dreaming of living out of an RV so I can travel whenever I want to. The cats could easily come with me that way.

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Posted (edited)

Looking for the off ramp.  Trying not to go over the edge.  Dunno if I can hang on.  This is more than just a bad reaction to this morning's monthly injections (that I've taken for two years).  One medical office being short and rude to me this morning.  A realtor who was a no-show.  I'm in physical pain.  A continuous anxiety attack since I woke up that won't go away.  I've tried to sleep (just to turn it off) and can't.  Now one of the church ladies is nagging me about Mom's health care.  And her bank has ignored me for weeks despite the Durable being on file with them. 

I cannot effin' take this anymore.  WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE CARIN' ABOUT ME?  Honestly, I'll be surprised if I'm still around tomorrow.  Anything's better than living in this unrelenting hell.  I can't keep fighting all these people who want to destroy me.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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19 minutes ago, MarkintheDark said:

Looking for the off ramp.  Trying not to go over the edge.  Dunno if I can hang on.  This is more than just a bad reaction to this morning's monthly injections (that I've taken for two years).  One medical office being short and rude to me this morning.  A realtor who was a no-show.  I'm in physical pain.  A continuous anxiety attack since I woke up that won't go away.  I've tried to sleep (just to turn it off) and can't.  Now one of the church ladies is nagging me about Mom's health care.  And her bank has ignored me for weeks despite the Durable being on file with them. 

I cannot effin' take this anymore.  WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE CARIN' ABOUT ME?  Honestly, I'll be surprised if I'm still around tomorrow.  Anything's better than living in this unrelenting hell.  I can't keep fighting all these people who want to destroy me.

As a gearhead, I like that terminology..."looking for the off ramp". I've slowed down a few times to exit, but somehow I always managed to drive past the ramp and continue on to...what? Ageing and bad health. Oh, and being chronically broke.

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feeling well, getting ready to clean my bathtub, & the rest of the bathroom. 

walked around 4 miles in the rain today!

got a handful of weathered glass dahn the crick. ate nutritional yeast & salt and earthbalance butter on my popcorn. forgot to buy olive oil, i'll pick it up tomorrow or friday. 

missed my first car payment, saturday, they said they have a 10-day grace period, slick!

i'll be paid friday, that's that, but where does the rent come from if the paycheck is paying the car payment, and then theres enough to get food and gas to put in the car, so, uhhh. 

totally fu*ked. yay!

ssd paid my rent, during that era,  i've attracted a-holes who didn't have a clue about pulling weight. 

i dont welcome the next scumbag i encounter, male, female, or otherwise!

still shaking in my head back n forth, while at rest, i dont think this will be addressed tomorrow at the neurosurgeons, but i have a goal, to find a friend to come with me, I've got less than 24 hours i ought to ask someone......nobody comes to mind....bah. 

this makes me think of a song by elliott smith, everybody cares, everybody understands. 

thanks for listening as i reread my post its just a place I've been so many times, but...ready to turn to a new adventure. 

slowly getting stuff done. 

❤️

m

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2 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

Looking for the off ramp.  Trying not to go over the edge.  Dunno if I can hang on.  This is more than just a bad reaction to this morning's monthly injections (that I've taken for two years).  One medical office being short and rude to me this morning.  A realtor who was a no-show.  I'm in physical pain.  A continuous anxiety attack since I woke up that won't go away.  I've tried to sleep (just to turn it off) and can't.  Now one of the church ladies is nagging me about Mom's health care.  And her bank has ignored me for weeks despite the Durable being on file with them. 

I cannot effin' take this anymore.  WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE CARIN' ABOUT ME?  Honestly, I'll be surprised if I'm still around tomorrow.  Anything's better than living in this unrelenting hell.  I can't keep fighting all these people who want to destroy me.

I feel the same way you do.  As soon as mom's estate is settled I'm out of here!

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Posted (edited)

Continuing with the thread of bad things happening to good people, I just found out my mom's cousin --the most genuinely sweet, positive woman you'll ever meet who overcame drug addiction in her past to become a teacher-- has cancer. On a lesser note, my great uncle is no longer coming next month either so that makes everyone canceling when it was their idea (well, not my great uncle's, he was talked into it and then everyone else backed out on him). So I'll add this all to the pile of self-pity and burning anger I'm already feeling today.

Edited by 20YearsandCounting
remove a name by request of poster

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4 hours ago, evalynn said:

Continuing with the thread of bad things happening to good people, I just found out my mom's cousin --the most genuinely sweet, positive woman you'll ever meet who overcame drug addiction in her past to become a teacher-- has cancer. On a lesser note, my great uncle is no longer coming next month either so that makes everyone canceling when it was their idea (well, not my great uncle's, he was talked into it and then everyone else backed out on him). So I'll add this all to the pile of self-pity and burning anger I'm already feeling today.

I’m sorry to hear about your aunt and all the things that are happening to you and your family.  I’ll keep you in my prayers my friend and I’ll lift up your family to Him.

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8 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I cannot effin' take this anymore.  WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE CARIN' ABOUT ME?  Honestly, I'll be surprised if I'm still around tomorrow.  Anything's better than living in this unrelenting hell.  I can't keep fighting all these people who want to destroy me

You said it yourself. All of us need to care about ourselves, because NO ONE ELSE WILL. Other people on this world are thinking Only of destroying us.

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On 3/24/2019 at 7:44 PM, MarkintheDark said:

Nah.  My skin's prettier and I use contractions.  Nor is my Spot a female tab.  That said - I rarely admit it - that indeed was the source of my inspiration.  The kicker is that I didn't know at the time his personality was so canine.

I'll never forget this, but about 4 years ago I had my kids camping in a beautiful park and on the boardwalk from our campground to the rock grotto on Georgian Bay, we came across this older couple walking their big old cat - leash and everything, kitty leading them on just like a dog.  I couldn't believe it.  I do understand that a cat can be trained to accept a leash, but any cat I ever had has been so territorial - small African Wildcats (house cat ancestors are not at the top of the food chain, like wolves (dog ancestors, of course) are - and so there would be nothing but fear, out and about, outside of their own territory.  Heck I hold them and walk outside into the sun and their hair starts shedding like it's snowing from fear.  That cat on the boardwalk had a lot of dog in him LOL.

I'd be interested to hear from you how your cat is a dog at heart, Mark!!

Hugs, my friend.

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I feel very relieved. My boss took a big client off my plate, one that was stressing me out, and I have felt less anxiety and much relief ever since he did this on Friday. 

Not only that, but I made some major headway with an older client of mine, and I am starting to see the fruits of my work! I am SO excited!!!

This particular client has been a massive challenge because of their technical website issues, and I got them a major ranking that they had lost exactly one year ago! Their traffic is now nearly close to what it was last year as well as their revenue.

Four people from my company have worked on this account to resolve their technical issues, and we still haven't resolved them. I am not good at technical, but I am good at getting web pages to rank, and I did it!!!! I can hardly believe it!!! 

I need to believe in myself FAR more than I do. I keep proving to myself that I really DO know what I am doing, even if I doubt myself along the way. So I feel good on this Tuesday morning heading into work. 

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Life is going out into the world and dealing with a bunch of wild animals that pass themselves off as people that want to take everything I own and break all of my bones and I'm supposed to want to be a part of this?  I have lived my entire life in the jungle where I have to watch out for the next predator that is hiding around the corner.  It won't be an obvious lion or hyena though.  They will be wearing gazelle or zebra suits and they will be so nice in the beginning just to trick me into letting my guard down and then they pounce on me.  

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9 hours ago, iWantRope said:

You said it yourself. All of us need to care about ourselves, because NO ONE ELSE WILL. Other people on this world are thinking Only of destroying us.

Hang in their my friend because we are all one link of this chain and each length of us

helps makes the next one stronger.  We got you my friend because you are one of us.

Hang in there and all of my prayers go out to you and other suffers who are going through.

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57 minutes ago, sober4life said:

Life is going out into the world and dealing with a bunch of wild animals that pass themselves off as people that want to take everything I own and break all of my bones and I'm supposed to want to be a part of this?  I have lived my entire life in the jungle where I have to watch out for the next predator that is hiding around the corner.  It won't be an obvious lion or hyena though.  They will be wearing gazelle or zebra suits and they will be so nice in the beginning just to trick me into letting my guard down and then they pounce on me.  

Girl, that is so true but you are the hunter and not the hunted and I know that you will

be able to slay every dragon that comes your way.  "Sober 4 life the Dragon Slayer"  :hugs:

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