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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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My boss has jumped into full douchebaggery mode. Again. I really don't want to blow up at him but he's pushing every one of my buttons.

One of my coworkers finally had enough and he DID engage the boss. I guess it was quite an argument. Wish I could have been there to back up the coworker.

I've had it.

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Being poor and ugly is the worst thing that can happen to human beings. I cry secretly every day and ask "why". Why do I have to endure this pain in the world we've come to once? In the last 2 years I have lost my mental health and self. I'm on the last exit before the bridge. And I know this will never end well.

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19 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

My boss has jumped into full douchebaggery mode. Again. I really don't want to blow up at him but he's pushing every one of my buttons.

One of my coworkers finally had enough and he DID engage the boss. I guess it was quite an argument. Wish I could have been there to back up the coworker.

I've had it.

I wish I could talk to your boss.  I would have a lot of fun.  At jobs I pretend to be ok and like everyone else for as long as I can and then one day I blow up like a bomb.  I've enjoyed all of those moments.  I've probably had 100 jobs by now though I don't recommend people being like me.  I don't have a choice.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

I hear ya. My BP has crept upward as well. So has my weight. I'm in the worst shape I've ever been. I've started walking again, a little anyway. I may get my bicycle out tonight or tomorrow as well. I have one of those bikes with an electric motor boost for the hills. I like riding it, but have to heft it up to my apartment every time I use it. The stairway is narrow and steep so it's a real chore to get it up there...the damned bike weighs 60 lbs. If I could leave it outside, I'd use it more. But it would get ripped off immediately in spite of the massive U-lock and chain I use to anchor it.

Thing is I LOOK healthy. I am in other respects healthy. I live a healthy life. Yet have all this crap.

Shoulder. Elbow. Wrist. Knee. Tendons. Hypertension(could be psychosomatic. I have a history of BP going up and down my whole adult life).

The nurse was like WTF when she saw my BP. It shouldn’t be happening.  Not the way I look. Not with my habits.Not with my blood screen. Even the cholesterol wasn’t too bad in her opinion.

I don’t need this. I have trouble finding reasons to live at it is. 

I don’t see the point. Life is BS. 

I just want to be done with life, 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, sober4life said:

The world will never break me.  My creator will never break me and I will never break myself.  Like you I live a healthy lifestyle and like you I'm endlessly filled with anger and rage.  My creator when creating me didn't have any love for me.  His thinking must have been I'm going to give this person a life where this person is sure to **** themselves.  You don't create someone that is the craziest person you would ever meet and put them in the wrong body and place them in rural Ohio where people's mindset is stuck back in the 50s and mean anything well for that person.  He meant for me to suffer.  He wanted to create me as a joke he could laugh about with his friends.  I will not give up though and I will not off myself.  I will do exactly the last thing god would want.  I will love and accept myself and get the life I want so I can rub it in his face!

Hmm..

I don’t believe in a creator, god whatever. 

Existence just..IS. If it wasn’t, none of us would be here in the first place. 

Coincidence. Luck. Or lack of wherewithal. Call it what you want. But there is no design or guidance in my opinion. No one to blame. Just a void. We just fill it with a desperate need of someone in charge.

It’s all fcking emptiness.

Unless one can give meaning to one’s existence.

I sure as hell can’t give meaning to mine.

 

Edited by samadhiSheol

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41 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

Hmm..

I don’t believe in a creator, god whatever. 

Existence just..IS. If it wasn’t, none of us would be here in the first place. 

Coincidence. Luck. Or lack of wherewithal. Call it what you want. But there is no design or guidance in my opinion. No one to blame. Just a void. We just fill it with a desperate need of someone in charge.

It’s all fcking emptiness.

Unless one can give meaning to one’s existence.

I sure as hell can’t give meaning to mine.

 

Come on there has to be a creator to blame.  Otherwise the whole story is I'm a complete nut and that can't be true.  From my time here you know I'm the perfect example of sanity.🙄 

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39 minutes ago, samadhiSheol said:

I’d k I’ll myself if I had the guts.

But you all know I am a p ussy.

 

😞 

Can you find a trail in the woods somewhere to take a walk? Just look around, listen to the birds, breathe in the fresh air. Doing that has never hurt me. Not once. It's like a refreshing womb. 

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5 hours ago, desperateloser said:

Being poor and ugly is the worst thing that can happen to human beings. I cry secretly every day and ask "why". Why do I have to endure this pain in the world we've come to once? In the last 2 years I have lost my mental health and self. I'm on the last exit before the bridge. And I know this will never end well.

 i hope you cross the bridge, or turn back, or just don't give in. 

i walked to a crisis center today, walked 3 more miles to my pharmacy, then took a bus back home..all the while my head shaking "no" pretty much uncontrollably. im relaxing with a mint ginger ale and watching the sunset over the part of the city out my window. 

can't post a photo, or i would show you. 

please stay. for many reasons. 

sending my ❤️ to you right now, i don't need it for the rest of the day, but it carries much pain, it soaks in like a sponge

or the way you don't want to eat soggy cereal, but just after you put the milk in always hurts the roof of your mouth, right? capn crunch always hurts. 

please stay

m

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Things went very well today even though things didn't go anything like I thought it would.  It was a productive day.  I did what I had to do.  I even made tomorrow easier but I'm still very worried.  I've done as much as I can for now to get control of my life.  That's all I can do but things are far from over.

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On 3/19/2019 at 1:57 AM, evalynn said:

Frustrated by how easily triggered I am, and how quickly I can begin to ruminate getting more and more angry and depressed. Sitting here in bed totally incapable of falling asleep and feeling increasingly awful.

Me too! I find my bpd makes me ruminate to the state of fatigued and reactive to the littlest of things

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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

My boss has jumped into full douchebaggery mode. Again. I really don't want to blow up at him but he's pushing every one of my buttons.

One of my coworkers finally had enough and he DID engage the boss. I guess it was quite an argument. Wish I could have been there to back up the coworker.

I've had it.

I'm with ya. In my younger days I didn't take shyt from my employers and would speak my mind.

Label - doesn't play well with others 🤣

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I constantly ruminate and obsess about things that "need to be done".  I run myself into the ground every day to quiet my mind so I can sleep.  Tomorrow my mind will have another list of things I have to do.  I'm a time bomb a pressure cooker ready to blow all the time and any extra stress at all is too much because my mind is constantly full.

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I fully understand how you feel sober. I avoid losing control now by just not giving a shyt about what others do to me. My bubble is so small that I believe I only let myself in, so shields up captain, and plough on straight through life, taking brief moments of pleasure as a reward for the enduring hard tines in finding them.

i should have been a gold miner, lol

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15 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I needed that.

It is so true, Mark!  In my experience, and I feel that others on here share it, our biggest problem is rumination and guilt.  Ruminating about how we "should be better than this, after all this time," and guilt for not being able to avoid the down times.

Damn, here I am again.  What a loser I am for not being able to overcome it!!!

I think we need to make peace with who we are. 

No guilt!  No judgement!!

Our upbringing, our past experiences, and our DNA have made us as we are.  So what?  What's next?  What's next for us if we give ourselves a break for our affliction - and not make it a moral judgement on ourselves?

There is nothing to be ashamed about in "falling" into the pit.  I will be there again, many times, I've learned that.   I think the key is surfing through the inevitable down times (because, they will come, it's natural and already written into the script) with nothing but pure love for ourselves!!!  It is OK to be down.  Love yourself EVEN MORE when your down!!  I also find it helps in those times to send love out to others, even just meditatively. 

It is OK to be anxious.  It is OK to be down.  It is OK to be anxious.  It is OK to be down... and on and on and on because, it is natural - and it will pass. 

It's just OK!!!

There is no shame when we fall.  In fact, there can be a purity of soul in those times, a recognition of what we go through and have transcended!!!!! These times are a reminder of what survivors we are.  You're damned right we deserve a hug in those time.  Most importantly, most empoweringly, a hug FROM OURSELVES!!!

Giving ourselves licence to be ill for a while, without the perfectionism of having to be 100% healed all the time, is what I am striving for.   It's my way of saying, F.U. world, and especially those who have abused me, I am loving myself in the deepest of times. 

Take that!!!! 

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7 hours ago, JD4010 said:

My daughter is 24 and will be attending grad school here in town this fall. She's visually impaired and can't drive. I pick her up from work almost every night as a result. She still lives with my ex, which can make things a little dicey at times.

A great dad, you are, JD... I heard Yoda say just the other day.  And, darn it, he was right!!!  That Yoda.  So wise!!!

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7 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Yeah. Something as "simple" of being out of bird food can send me spiraling down into the depths too. Or a stray cat that I can't bring home.

That's our disease talking - and the strange perfectionism we demand of ourselves that comes with it.  Recognize this in those times, please!!!  You are just a person - not Spiderman (for lack of a better superhero).  We can't save everyone or everything and we can't control every minute of our own lives and our emotions.  We just can't - it's that simple.  Give yourself some love in those times!!!

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23 minutes ago, salparadise6132 said:

That's our disease talking - and the strange perfectionism we demand of ourselves that comes with it.  Recognize this in those times, please!!!  You are just a person - not Spiderman (for lack of a better superhero).  We can't save everyone or everything and we can't control every minute of our own lives and our emotions.  We just can't - it's that simple.  Give yourself some love in those times!!!

It is that and also we think of how awful the world is to us and worry what the world will do to small animals that can't protect themselves.  We want to protect them and help them.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

It is that and also we think of how awful the world is to us and worry what the world will do to small animals that can't protect themselves.  We want to protect them and help them.

Hi Sober.

We do want to help the small animals, because we are VERY feeling people, by nature.  We are sensitive people.  And isn't that great?  We are the opposite of what's dominating in the world right now - with all the narcissism and division.  I have never heard any of that here, and that's why I love you all!

That said, basic physics and logic should tell us we can't save all the people and animals.  But we can save at least some of them if we don't beat ourselves up into submission and allow ourselves to be so guilty that we can't function.

We do what we can.  Not solving everything.  That's impossible.  But if we give ourselves a break by realizing we can't change everything, we can keep some inner-peace and change what we can.

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Overwhelmed after stirring up the dust. Sad and lonely.

Excited about and grateful for a gym membership that came at a good time. I'm going for my first workout this morning.

Starting to feel happier, but at the same time, I don't want to let go of the pain and depression. It's almost like I'm not acknowledging what happened to me if I do. Like I'm not validating it. I rarely talk about it in my day-to-day life, so when I do, it's because I've been pushed there by something.

Disappointed by being so hateful toward myself last night. But I came here for help and holding back won't do much good. I need to be more forgiving of myself for having expectations of other people. When I first left him, I was so grateful to have my own room, even, with a locked door, that I would've let anyone get away with anything. I guess I've adjusted to feeling more stable and comfortable, because I'm allowing myself to recognize how disappointed and hurt I am by people I didn't expect it from. I know my pain about it is disproportionate. I am and always have been more generous than most people, and I have a lot of experience with therapy and handling problems of this size. Well, not quite this size, but pretty big. I can't expect the same of others. After everything he did to me and made me do, I feel like the Navy SEALS should make me an honorary member. I think my training matches their's. There must be someone I can call about this.

 

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I am seeing a psychiatrist today for the first time in two years but I feel like a fraud because I haven't felt that bad in the last couple days and now I'm wondering if I'm just making everything up for attention or something messed up like that. 

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I'm well enough to do what I have to do today.  That's all I can ask for I guess.  Do I want to do it?  Nope I'd rather be set on fire or wake up in the trash can like Oscar the Grouch but I'm strong enough to do it so whatever happens happens.  I'm going to be the best me I can be under impossible circumstances.

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