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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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21 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Thanks my friend. I dunno. I should take a few days off from work. But my boss will pester the hell out of me about it.

Sounds irritating.  I think I have threatened to run off and join the French Foreign Legion a time or two. 

Right now I feel motivated. 

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25 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

Thanks my friend. I dunno. I should take a few days off from work. But my boss will pester the hell out of me about it.

I know what I would do if I was you.  It would involve holding up one finger from both hands,  saying every cuss word in the book and telling everyone in the office exactly what I thought of them and leaving for good.  That's what I would do.

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18 hours ago, watalife said:

Wondering if anyone here calls their friends of family members "dummy" on a regular basis.

Is this normal?

i used to call loved ones dum-dum. yea. now i say it to myself sometimes. its not a good habit. 

its 5 pm tuesday, march 19th 2019. I am in experiencing triggers that flash back past trauma

at least 2 or three times a minute. 

my head is involuntarily shaking "no" .... anyone have this experience or know what to do for it? sort of like tardive dyskenesia meets parkinsons, but related to trauma, brings me to the thought of being a small child huddled under a desk in Nana & Pa's room, saying i wasn't coming out to go home with my parents,

not doing well, if you have any free time to lend an ear, i would appreciate anyone who could just have a conversation over the phone, pm me for my # TIA.

❤️

be true

to you

m

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50 minutes ago, sober4life said:

I know what I would do if I was you.  It would involve holding up one finger from both hands,  saying every cuss word in the book and telling everyone in the office exactly what I thought of them and leaving for good.  That's what I would do.

I've dreamed about doing just that. Many, many times.

I really, really don't want to wait to retire until I'm too old and sick to enjoy myself. I've had too many friends retire and then croak a year or two later. That ain't fair.

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8 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

I've dreamed about doing just that. Many, many times.

I really, really don't want to wait to retire until I'm too old and sick to enjoy myself. I've had too many friends retire and then croak a year or two later. That ain't fair.

It's your life do what you want to do.  I know it's hard.  It takes a lot of nerve but you're miserable in your life as is.  I hate seeing you live like you are with no hope for a better life again especially when you have a way out.

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If not for my cats, I would run over to the RR yard  and hitch a ride on the next freight train out of town. I want to become somebody different than who I am right now. I've got too much crap hanging over my head and it's starting to fall on me. Yet I'm nailed to the floor so I can't move out of the way.

On edit: my daughter figures into this as well of course.

Edited by JD4010
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I want to die.  How many times have I said this and meant it?  Many, many many.  But I clearly don't have the courage to do it, not do I  want to hurt loved ones by doing it.  This business of staying alive for others may be the "courageous" choice, but I am miserable and have been much of my life.  Life just f u c k i n g hurts.   

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2 minutes ago, womanofthelight said:

I want to die.  How many times have I said this and meant it?  Many, many many.  But I clearly don't have the courage to do it, not do I  want to hurt loved ones by doing it.  This business of staying alive for others may be the "courageous" choice, but I am miserable and have been much of my life.  Life just f u c k i n g hurts.   

I feel the same way you feel a lot of the time.  I know how you feel.  It hurts me knowing that you hurt so much.  I want you to have peace in this world and be happy and have whatever life you want.

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6 minutes ago, womanofthelight said:

I want to die.  How many times have I said this and meant it?  Many, many many.  But I clearly don't have the courage to do it, not do I  want to hurt loved ones by doing it.  This business of staying alive for others may be the "courageous" choice, but I am miserable and have been much of my life.  Life just f u c k i n g hurts.   

Gosh yes. My life is centered around "others". I'm miserable as well. I've been that way for 50+ years. Wish it didn't have to be that way for you.

Edited by JD4010
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31 minutes ago, JD4010 said:

If not for my cats, I would run over to the RR yard  and hitch a ride on the next freight train out of town. I want to become somebody different than who I am right now. I've got too much crap hanging over my head and it's starting to fall on me. Yet I'm nailed to the floor so I can't move out of the way.

On edit: my daughter figures into this as well of course.

I understand.  We both have house of cards lives that when they fall down they will wipe us out.  Of course we want to run from them but this is life not a movie.  I'm still going to try it though.  As I said I bought my tent for a reason.  I have to leave this life soon.  It's so bad I find myself daydreaming and wishing I could go back to the times when I was homeless because those were better times.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I know what I would do if I was you.  It would involve holding up one finger from both hands,  saying every cuss word in the book and telling everyone in the office exactly what I thought of them and leaving for good.  That's what I would do.

Remind me to never piss you off 😱

Edited by MarkintheDark
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5 hours ago, JD4010 said:

I want to break loose but there are too many responsibilities in my life. I'm stuck

I am in exactly the same boat, JD. I'd like nothing more than to sell all my s.hit (what little of it there is), cut all my ties, and disappear into the Big Bend region of Texas.

But I can't leave my son. I really can't see myself going anywhere until he's at least out of h.s., and maybe not even then...

Edited by LonelyHiker
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36 minutes ago, LonelyHiker said:

I am in exactly the same boat, JD. I'd like nothing more than to sell all my s.hit (what little of it there is), cut all my ties, and disappear into the Big Bend region of Texas.

But I can't leave my son. I really can't see myself going anywhere until he's at least out of h.s., and maybe not even then...

You are both wonderful fathers.  I hope one day I can be a great parent like you 2.  I sit and cry about it every day just hoping today will be the day I'm well enough to go out and begin to create a family of my own.  The hope of that one day happening is the only reason I'm still here in this world.  I know I sound like a wimp.  I was sitting on the couch today crying because the birds were outside waiting for food and I don't have enough money to buy them food this month.

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On 3/17/2019 at 11:20 AM, meeegs77 said:

good morning, 

i slept like a log! went to a party last night after work, for a co-worker's 21st birthday. she's actually a supervisor, but still a coworker. she is amazing at 21 to do the things she does with confidence and finesse. i am 37 and can't grasp doing the things she has done in her life to this point. no use in comparing, but she needs to know how amazing she is! and i'll be the one to tell her.

yesterday a co-worker on my team was leaving and i was on my way to the clock. she stopped me gave me a hug and said how proud she is of me and what i have done, since october. its been an uphill battle, but I believe i am subdueing the dragon and i AM the storm. 🙂

 

a lot to say today.one thing i like to do, is make sure people know i appreciate them, their demeanor and validate them as a person. 

i am awake, and i couldn't ask for much more, thank you to all of you. 

have a great day and if you're not right now, turn it around, all you have to do is change thoughts, a wrangling brain battle for me everyday, and i understand the struggle.

❤️

m

This post was just lovely!!!  What a heart, you have, meeegs!!!

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On 3/17/2019 at 3:47 PM, sober4life said:

Yes any excuse used to work now there's nothing that will work.  I was as sick as a person could be for many years.  Now I'm much better so who knows how much longer it will last.  I'm sure someone out there will pull me into the darkness with false promises again so I'm going to use this time where I'm well to get a better life.

Hi Sober, Hugs, my friend!!!  In so many of your posts you tend to give "someone out there" the power over how YOU will feel.  I say,  F. That!  You have the power.  If they aren't up to your standards, and the standards of basic human decency, it is on them... NOT YOU!

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18 hours ago, evalynn said:

Frustrated by how easily triggered I am, and how quickly I can begin to ruminate getting more and more angry and depressed. Sitting here in bed totally incapable of falling asleep and feeling increasingly awful.

Yeah, that's your, and my, perfectionism, our ego, telling us we don't deal with things well enough.  I have been working on being more loving to myself - saying to myself when I am disappointed with being triggered and anxious and depressed and hurt and feeling totally lost - "it is 100% legit that you're feeling this way.  You have the right to.  And it will pass."

I hope you can begin to accept these down times, and not beat yourself up over them.  I'm still working on it myself, but, if you really think about it, our responses have been many years in the making, and they are very powerful. There is no shame AT ALL in falling into that hopelessness.  The good thing, the great thing, I hear from you, is that you know what your mind is doing!!!  This is gold!!!  

Give yourself a break, E.  It is understandable, natural, and it will pass!!!

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4 hours ago, womanofthelight said:

I want to die.  How many times have I said this and meant it?  Many, many many.  But I clearly don't have the courage to do it, not do I  want to hurt loved ones by doing it.  This business of staying alive for others may be the "courageous" choice, but I am miserable and have been much of my life.  Life just f u c k i n g hurts.   

So sorry you're feeling this way, M! You rock in my eyes. Always have, and always will.  Just saying.  It's a down phase, and it will pass.  Big Hugs!!!!

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