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How Do You Feel Right Now #10


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Yes any excuse used to work now there's nothing that will work.  I was as sick as a person could be for many years.  Now I'm much better so who knows how much longer it will last.  I'm sure someone out there will pull me into the darkness with false promises again so I'm going to use this time where I'm well to get a better life.

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On 3/16/2019 at 8:06 PM, MarkintheDark said:

I feel shaky.  I was gonna make this a PM to someone, but I don't care now who knows exactly what's up with me.

Got up this afternoon with a full-fledged anxiety attack in progress.  But then added to that a round of the trots - not uncommon for people with my medical condition - and severe pain for which I've only a topical.  I ended up sitting in several inches of water in the tub crying for half an hour.  I'm a mess.  I've got no one to help me through this save my faithful catdog, Spot, who carefully monitored me from his toilet seat perch.  I also then poured myself a cooler.  I guess I'll survive the night.

You have us, bud!  Hope you are feeling better.

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I feel good. Mid-evening is my best time of day. My problems haven't gone away, but they don't seem as threatening as usual and I have a feeling that it will all work out. This is probably why I don't have any trouble going to sleep.

But I will wake up after three or four hours and start worrying. Then my sleep will be very patchy and I'll wake up two hours too soon with nasty depressive thoughts racing through my head. Then I will get up and feel dizzy and dejected until I have a cup of coffee. The antidepressant I started a few weeks ago is helping, but this is still my daily cycle.

Edited by John_in_SF
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5 minutes ago, John_in_SF said:

I feel good. Mid-evening is my best time of day. My problems haven't gone away, but they don't seem as threatening as usual and I have a feeling that it will all work out. This is probably why I don't have any trouble going to sleep.

But I will wake up after three or four hours and start worrying. Then my sleep will be very patchy and I'll wake up two hours too soon with nasty depressive thoughts racing through my head. Then I will get up and feel dizzy and dejected until I have a cup of coffee. The antidepressant I started a few weeks ago is helping, but this is still my daily cycle.

Remember that when you are asleep your ego takes over and magnifies your fears and negates or ignores your true, inner worth. 

I have the same issue. I feel well, and, BOOM, I go to sleep and the dreams are hijacked by my thinking mind, the mind that has been taught to weave a story by others, a story that simply is not true at all.

What I do is wake up an hour earlier than I need to and just be in the moment, focussing on my breath and the fact that I am here, in this place, right now.  What I dreamt was not true - be it of past hurts or future calamity. Of course,  when I am meditating in the present each morning, the night's stories spun by my deceptive, dickhead ego come into my mind.  That is OK.  I try to view them from a distance - hmm - that's interesting, what my mind did while I was asleep.  But, it's laughable poppycock, and usually the same old story over and over again.  That is the story of my pain body. And it is not the story of me or of the present moment!

I am here, I tell myself.  My Egoic mind is a liar!  I have breath. I have a core presence that is so much deeper and vast that what my Ego tells me.

Please remember: You are not your thoughts.  That is your pained Ego trying to take control of you.  You, are you!!!

 

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Had a better resolution today. I nervously texted my boyfriend to check on him and it snowballed into a more emotional discussion of what happened. Sadly the solution he came up with was a long term thing I didn't agree with, and I was too tired to make a decision on it, so we agreed to ask my therapist for help tomorrow.

We're going to try to sleep together tonight. I'm sure it'll be a bit awkward but we both really missed each other. I hope we'll be back to a more normal stage soon.

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Worse every day.  Empty.  My entire life is inconsequential.  The only meaning I have is meaninglessness. At my age I do not want to experiment with other meds. Id rather start drnking.  Cant even afford a vice.

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1 hour ago, TopekaK said:

Worse every day.  Empty.  My entire life is inconsequential.  The only meaning I have is meaninglessness. At my age I do not want to experiment with other meds. Id rather start drnking.  Cant even afford a vice.

Take it easy on the alcohol.  It will only amplify what you are feeling, numb your mind and inhibit your reasoning. 

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I've never been more afraid in my life than I am right now.  The stress is ******* me.  I was having symptoms I thought I was having a heart attack yesterday I was hoping it was a heart attack so I could be free of this nightmare.

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

I've never been more afraid in my life than I am right now.  The stress is ******* me.  I was having symptoms I thought I was having a heart attack yesterday I was hoping it was a heart attack so I could be free of this nightmare.

I hope you can find a way to have the stress subside somewhat today.  Having had an MI 5½ years ago, I certainly understand the fear, beyond the panic attack.  And, tbh, given my current frame of mind, idk that I can honestly disagree with you. 😧

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So I did text Casey yesterday afternoon just asking if she would like to hang out. Haven't gotten a response from her but oddly from someone else telling me to move on. I always screw things up and that alone was it. Work on Friday will be awkward now and I will ask to be moved to another position mostly for my own sanity. I'm also leaving my phone off for awhile.

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1 hour ago, MarkintheDark said:

I hope you can find a way to have the stress subside somewhat today.  Having had an MI 5½ years ago, I certainly understand the fear, beyond the panic attack.  And, tbh, given my current frame of mind, idk that I can honestly disagree with you. 😧

No it was a very stressful day today.  My morning could create 2 totally different movies one where you heard my thoughts and one where you didn't.  One the people would say wow that's wonderful and the other if you heard my thoughts and knew what I knew you would be very surprised I'm back here at the house today or ever.  Stress doesn't begin to describe my life.  It's beyond anything most people will ever go through.  It scares me that a moment will come when I start drinking myself to death again because I can't handle this stress.

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Annoyed. I sent 2 emails to 2 different therapists and i have not hear a freakin thing from either. The first was my new therapist who said it was ok to send her emails of how i feel  - that was 2 weeks ago and nada. So I reached out to my therapist from eons ago explaining my struggle with my bpd and that was a week ago😡

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

No it was a very stressful day today.  My morning could create 2 totally different movies one where you heard my thoughts and one where you didn't.  One the people would say wow that's wonderful and the other if you heard my thoughts and knew what I knew you would be very surprised I'm back here at the house today or ever.  Stress doesn't begin to describe my life.  It's beyond anything most people will ever go through.  It scares me that a moment will come when I start drinking myself to death again because I can't handle this stress.

Dont go down the drinking route, you already know how hard sobering up is. Stay with us my friend, we will do oir best..... dont make me driive 15 hours to save your dog🧐

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1 hour ago, Extremebeginner said:

Dont go down the drinking route, you already know how hard sobering up is. Stay with us my friend, we will do oir best..... dont make me driive 15 hours to save your dog🧐

I'll be ok.  I'm a very tough person.  I come across as a wimp sometimes but when I'm scared things are serious.  Tomorrow will be peaceful.

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On 3/17/2019 at 9:38 AM, Extremebeginner said:

Scared of something in particular or just overthinking it like me? Whether you worry or not it will not change the fact that we care about you, and want you to be ok.

hopeless, not much to add to that, as I lie in bed breathing in lemongrass scents from the difusser. I hope it lasts for a while, the difusser!

scared that doctors can't figure out a way to help me...and i dont want to spend all my life feeling this miserable. it's not fair.but who ever said life was fair?

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Experiencing hearing loss, I've been ill with a virus for a week now. I suspect otitis of some sort.


Still feeling stable after my stay at the psych. hospital. Occasionally having really dark moments, though.
Sleeping a bit better.

 

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4 hours ago, ladysmurf said:

scared that doctors can't figure out a way to help me...and i dont want to spend all my life feeling this miserable. it's not fair.but who ever said life was fair?

I just saw a new psych doc, and I’m scared too that his first though was ECT. I guess i have to some research, read some posts and figure out if I can drive two hours into the city every other day for three weeks. 

Nothing is fair, but I chose to live outside the city so jow I have to deal with my own decision

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I've been in a whirlwind prepping for my wedding. I'm getting so excited! But it's a lot to do, and we're not even having any guests, lol. Prepping for a tropical vacation AND a wedding in another country takes some planning AND paperwork! My goodness. Well, we got the paperwork in today... now it's just smooth sailing until May. Man, do I need a haircut badly -- that's next. 

Anyways, I am in good spirits! 

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I'm sick from the stress today.  I don't have anything I have to do tomorrow but I worked so hard today that I probably won't be able to get out of bed tomorrow.  I need the rest but my mind won't give me a second of peace tomorrow.  I don't know what to do right now.  My advice to everyone here is don't drink and do drugs for decades like me.  I've been fighting for years to get my life back and it may never happen.  My life might be beyond repair.  I've fixed a lot of things but you save the biggest things until the end and the biggest things can wipe you out.  I am worried right now.  I'm always in way over my head in this life.  Of course this life is too much for me but I can't tell anyone that.  I have to keep pushing forward until it all blows up.

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Second day back from overseas. Gotto say taking a week break from my husband does help me calm down. As in I don’t shout at him when he nags at me and tells me to do this, do that, and scolds me for anything I did wrong. I took it all in, dropped a few tears while doing the housework, and just told myself to be a better Wife next time. So not much shouting n argueing in the house today. All is good. Today will be better than yesterday. I hope. Still hating myself that I can’t make him happy. But it’ll be ok. I hope. Start the day with saying thank you, thank you, thank you for making me stronger. 

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