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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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Concerned about my job, but I am a fighter and I do have some heart left and oh so much greed and hate for how far I could fall. 

Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken.

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1 hour ago, JD4010 said:

Any room left on this "bad parent" bandwagon? I'm sometimes overwhelmed with guilt and regret about my inadequacy as a dad.

I guess we can't all live up to the high standards set by Ward and June Cleaver however.

I know for a fact that Sal and Dev are NOT bad parents.

And neither are you, my friend!  That is obvious. 

In my good times I can accept that not providing more for them financially is not such a big deal.  In my bad times, the guilt envelops me.

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had a odd breakfast : drumstick (ice cream), an apple and a cup of coffee. now im paying the price.

I dont feel better because of that encounter with that rude stranger yesterday :(. first I feel stupid and it happened near the campus . anyway rude people will always exist and since I dont like confrontation well I never say anything. I feel like im the only one... 

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Doing better midday than I expected I'd be doing.  Managed a good solid few hours cleaning out Mom's apartment (albeit with latex gloves) in time for tomorrow's trash pickup.  Though I didn't sell the furniture piece someone was interested in, I was pleased I got several boxes filled for thrift shop dropoff and I'm almost down to only the furniture remaining.

Either it sells by Sunday or I'll have it picked up Monday.  And any cleaning is on whoever I hire...not me.  Appears I'll be done Tuesday and on schedule.

I'm gonna do MY stuff now.  That means laundry.

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I'm doing better as the day goes on.  I swear I won't bite anymore.  Maybe I am just nuts like everyone has always told me.  I'm either great or I am Oscar the Grouch that just got out of a trash can covered in trash and I'm going to let the whole world know how I feel!

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A little proud that...I managed to find a couple of places utilizing a map! And only got a little bit lost! 🌈 

I am growing concerned though about the amount of money I spend. Material things are to me what I think alcohol or drugs become to some people. They’re a way of distracting me from the things I struggle with, and I’m never satiated. I immediately think of what I want next.  

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5 minutes ago, SqueezeWax said:

A little proud that...I managed to find a couple of places utilizing a map! And only got a little bit lost! 🌈 

Awesome! 😎

7 minutes ago, SqueezeWax said:

Material things are to me what I think alcohol or drugs become to some people. They’re a way of distracting me from the things I struggle with, and I’m never satiated.

Same here. Shopping can be quite addicting, new things bring temporary distraction and happiness so in a way it's very much like drugs or alcohol. I've often gotten into trouble overspending, like an addict I'll impulsively chase that next high just to regret it later. 

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I heard it somewhere I don't know where but the person said I'm addicted to more.  That's what I am addicted to more.  I can never have enough of anything.  That's why I have to be sober because I set records every time.  My mind always needs more and more of everything.

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4 minutes ago, sober4life said:

My mind always needs more and more of everything.

Trying to fill that void... My personality is super addictive, if it can be done to excess I will. Be it food, alcohol, tobacco, shopping, Internet, videogames, porn, Netflix 😂 As soon as I find something that makes me temporarily feel better it's all I want to do. 

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2 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Any room left on this "bad parent" bandwagon? I'm sometimes overwhelmed with guilt and regret about my inadequacy as a dad.

I guess we can't all live up to the high standards set by Ward and June Cleaver however.

I know for a fact that Sal and Dev are NOT bad parents.

I really hope am not

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Relieved I lucked out on disposing of whatever pieces of Mom's furniture don't sell this weekend.  The charity pickup schedules for her area on Mondays, EXACTLY when I need it...and they'll take EVERYTHING.  That's been hanging over my head for a couple weeks. 

Glad I addressed with them today instead of tomorrow, if only to take the pressure off.  Given the anxiety attacks, that feeling is tangible in every sense.

Also posted on the Nextdoor app for someone to do a thorough cleaning Tuesday.  I feel accomplished for once.

 

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1 hour ago, chucapabra said:

rude people will always exist and since I dont like confrontation well I never say anything. I feel like im the only one... 

You aren't the only one. I don't usually say anything either.

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33 minutes ago, lonelyforeigner said:

Trying to fill that void... My personality is super addictive, if it can be done to excess I will. Be it food, alcohol, tobacco, shopping, Internet, videogames, porn, Netflix 😂 As soon as I find something that makes me temporarily feel better it's all I want to do. 

Yes that's me.  I'm a real life Landfill from beerfest.  I have that attitude with everything addictive.

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I almost had another nervous breakdown today.  I'm very fragile.  Most people if they have a nervous breakdown they get help or have someone in their life they can trust.  I have none of that.  Today I had to literally run away from a situation after making everyone mad at me and run back here and hide.  For me when I have a nervous breakdown I can't trust anyone to help.  They will use it against me.  My first thought is I can't let them see me vulnerable so I ran out of there for my safety.  I hate this life.  There's being alone and then there is living in a world where you know all the people around you are after you!  Please give me alone!

 

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A lyric quote, by Leonard Cohen, from "Songs From A Room", 1969:

I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch,
he said to me, "You must not ask for so much."
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door,
she cried to me, "Hey, why not ask for more?"

It's always relative, which is why we just can't get enough. 

Bulgakov

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5 hours ago, sober4life said:

I'm doing better as the day goes on.  I swear I won't bite anymore.  Maybe I am just nuts like everyone has always told me.  I'm either great or I am Oscar the Grouch that just got out of a trash can covered in trash and I'm going to let the whole world know how I feel!

Hi sober, my great friend - and a true light in my life!

I've been meaning to write this for a while, but was afraid to, I guess.  You know, "correcting" another.  Who the hell am I to offer advice?  Hugs and understanding, yes.  But advice?  From flawed me?

But, I'm leaping in anyway.

You say:

"I'm either great or I am Oscar the Grouch that just got out of a trash can covered in trash"

I have noticed that you write many lines like this.  Back when the shrinks had hold of me they called that "all or nothing thinking." They weren't right about much, but this was one case where they were bang on.

We are not Gods. 

Nor are we trash. 

The truth for ALL of us, humans, that is, lies somewhere in the middle.  We're flawed, loving, failed, and beautiful all at the same time.  Recognizing this TRUTH both takes pressure off yourself to conform to other's ideals of perfection and allows you to accept your own flaws (as you see them, not others!!) with a sly wink and maybe even a little amusement!

Now, I realize the your bipolar disease leads you to think in these UNTRUE extremes. Just saying.

But, they are still not true, no matter what Sober's mind is saying.

You are a fantastic human, to me, sober, which doesn't mean you're perfect.  I certainly am not, nor is anyone.  But you feel and help and love us with such conviction and authenticity!!  That's pretty darn impressive as far as I'm concerned!

 

 

 

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It's obvious I have bipolar disorder to me and to anyone that reads my posts.  I have some very extreme moods to put it lightly.  I'm in hell this way.  I am.  It's a nightmare.  I would love to find a peaceful way to live in this world but I can't find a way that works for me.  Medication is out now and forever.  I went down that road to dead end after dead end.  This way doesn't really work either but at least I have my feelings.  It's much better than feeling nothing all the time.  I'll be honest I've never been more afraid in my life.  I am alone in real life.  It might be that way until the end if I'm being honest.  I'll probably never trust anyone again.  The rest of my life will be me as a hunted deer looking over my shoulder all the time looking around the next corner for the next monster to jump out at me.  This is a terrible way to live and it will probably lead to complete madness but it's the only way left.

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