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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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feeling optimistic today, no specific goals. 

the last 4 days off from the store have given me time and space, I'm not ready to go back and answer phones and deal with nasty entitled pr*cks that i usually encounter. 

I'm going to endure, because I know the world deserves better. 

my bath is drawn, ..but I thought I would say hello here, first!

JD- the show was great, some of the other bands that played were, 'Lake, Lake', 'we, the creature', 'enhaler', i can't remember the names for the rest, all good and loud in their own right! i brought with me, ONE earplug. gah! 

sober4life, i have a hard time seeing your avatar with your smile, and to imagine all that you have been through and will go through in this life, don't ever let them take your smile away, you are a genuine being. be careful with your mania. i know, you know. 🙂 stay well. 

my attention span today is worthless. bippity boppity boo. i want to conjure the energy to clean, AND go to work at 3 pm, as well. 

i can tell this summer is gonna be a hot one in the place that I live now. I have an east facing bedroom window it is certainly beaming in on me. 

i feel rested well, ,but desperately tired. like your brain stops in your tracks, but the brain runs a 5k while you are slow, despondent, or asleep. 

weird feeling for sure. 

my TD is getting worse, is there a place i can post a video documenting my tardive dyskenesia, on this site?

someone thought, even after explaining i do no elect to make these facial movements, and nudges, they happen without my initiation, so then he was like, well, you got fidgety. um, no YOU JUST DONT GET IT! I AM SHUTTING THIS PERSON OUT. they are not assisting me in serving my purpose, i thought they would, but they are not. 

sad, but true.

be well

❤️

m

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Welcome to the forum, speak freely and we are here to help you. No judgement, just some good old fashioned care about you and your situation. 

Maybe you did nothing wrong, maybe its just a perception from others and you are feeling sensitive. Nothing is ever entirely just our fault. Take some deep breaths and think about something else for 5 minutes

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Posted (edited)

I feel shaky.  I was gonna make this a PM to someone, but I don't care now who knows exactly what's up with me.

Got up this afternoon with a full-fledged anxiety attack in progress.  But then added to that a round of the trots - not uncommon for people with my medical condition - and severe pain for which I've only a topical.  I ended up sitting in several inches of water in the tub crying for half an hour.  I'm a mess.  I've got no one to help me through this save my faithful catdog, Spot, who carefully monitored me from his toilet seat perch.  I also then poured myself a cooler.  I guess I'll survive the night.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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On 3/15/2019 at 9:33 PM, salparadise6132 said:

Yeah, that's me as well, LH.  I love people one on one.  There are so many souls I want to help and hug and love. Everyone on DF, for example, and many more. 

But HUMANITY, as a whole?  I am sickened by both what we have done and what we're poised to do to this lonely, life-supporting planet - as far as we know, the only one of these jewels existing in a universe the size of which we can't even begin to imagine.

But, oh well.  In the one on one I will live.  Helping the truly deserving, like we all do on here, is the work of the Devine.

 

 

I take comfort knowing that we (homo sapiens) will be gone very soon (in terms of the universe' time schedule), and earth will heal, and all traces of our pathetic, petty, destructive machinations will be erased.

 

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3 hours ago, MarkintheDark said:

I feel shaky.  I was gonna make this a PM to someone, but I don't care now who knows exactly what's up with me.

Got up this afternoon with a full-fledged anxiety attack in progress.  But then added to that a round of the trots - not uncommon for people with my medical condition - and severe pain for which I've only a topical.  I ended up sitting in several inches of water in the tub crying for half an hour.  I'm a mess.  I've got no one to help me through this save my faithful catdog, Spot, who carefully monitored me from his toilet seat perch.  I also then poured myself a cooler.  I guess I'll survive the night.

Sorry you've had a rough evening!

Hope tomorrow is better, my friend..

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Posted (edited)

Today was awful. I mean, it started out great. Hanging out with my boyfriend who lives far away. But we had our first big issue, he overstepped some boundaries, breaking trust. It resulted in me almost having a panic attack. 

We just finished talking about it, and we didn't break up or anything, but the resolution is kinda grim. At least we handled it maturely. I'm sleeping without him on call tonight, which is justified and for the best, but I still feel lonely. 😕

 

Well, goodnight I guess. Hope we can start getting back to normal soon.

Edited by ChrissyNoelle

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feeling a lot of different ways at once.

confused, utterly

not confused, just purely assanine...pretend to be dumb, 

i don't know if i am, or what i should categorize as it's really got nothing to do with my gender or the gender of the person, but there is someone i feel deserves my love in my life right now. i just realised it on the phone with my gal-friend from alaska, i have to tell this person, someday. until then i'll hold it in my heart. 

 

less screen time on workdays. a new rule! im getting close to too late. good night. 

 

❤️

m

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I didn't sleep off my sedative (ugh,) and I'm in a lot of pain. Grouchy because it's my last day of spring break, and it's loaded with things I don't want to do. Annoyed because I can't have green b.eer today. Disappointed with myself for being so negative this morning.

Grateful that I have a "cake walk" job. Motivated again to get my own place.

 

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On 3/15/2019 at 7:50 PM, roadking02 said:

I've come to a conclusion about myself when it comes to relationships or even just crushes. Simply that no matter who it is I always back away due to past issues I've had with past relationships which isn't many. Really only Natalie from literally a decade ago or crushes I had during childhood that turned sour really quick. Why? Probably because I was held back a year in school from missing so many days due to my medical issues. So I hit those certain emotions before everyone else if that makes sense. My development has always been way off compared to most people. Medical issues made me an instant freak. Still to this day I have people making comments or staring at my left hand wondering why I was born this way. Somehow I managed to learn guitar and got into the music business fairly young. This is something that also has messed my social life up in many ways. Why? Being around famous people and getting used to talking to high profile people compared to normal people which for me is a nightmare. I don't know what to say, I don't relate to most normal people. How could I? How the hell could a medical mess freak or alien ever relate to normal people? Much less have a successful actual factual relationship that actually works.

I have Casey's number now. She left work early today to take her daughter to the doctor... Yes, she's a single mother. As far as i know she's single... That's probably how I'll screw this up. Not knowing for sure if she is single or not... I'm just afraid of getting hurt. As I've been hurt in the past by basically every woman I've ever asked out... Happened with Natalie and it certainly happened with Renee. Both of them no longer want to even dare speak to me much less see me in person. I didn't do anything to hurt them... But they sure have made me close up more than ever before.

Casey and I do have some history. She knows of my medical stuff, doesn't judge me for it (as far as I know) and knows a little about my music stuff. She also knows I'm very shy... Last weekend I felt so stupid for complimenting her... She put makeup on but I couldn't really tell. So I asked and told her she looked good... Her response was a simple thank you and a smile. Boy... I feel really stupid. Now that i have her number I don't even know what to text her. I simply just worry about messing things up because I just end up doing just that.

i think it's better to take chances ....because later on you might regret it. i told a guy what i felt for him once and he obviously didn't feel the same ..(after our 3 dates)...At first i was sure him and his friends were laughing at me because i tried to reach out to him like 2-3 times, (called him, wrote him an e-mail) i even cried, but then i gave up. a few years later he tried to reach out to me but i didn't really care because i realized we were different and i didn't feel the same about him anymore..  but what i am trying to say is that if you have a chance with Casey and she knows your medical history  , if i was in your place i would reach out to her if i really liked her. otherwise you might always wonder "what if.."

dont worry about messing things up, just text her something simple..?? maybe if she wants to meet up and catch up or something?

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Scared of something in particular or just overthinking it like me? Whether you worry or not it will not change the fact that we care about you, and want you to be ok.

hopeless, not much to add to that, as I lie in bed breathing in lemongrass scents from the difusser. I hope it lasts for a while, the difusser!

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good morning, 

i slept like a log! went to a party last night after work, for a co-worker's 21st birthday. she's actually a supervisor, but still a coworker. she is amazing at 21 to do the things she does with confidence and finesse. i am 37 and can't grasp doing the things she has done in her life to this point. no use in comparing, but she needs to know how amazing she is! and i'll be the one to tell her.

yesterday a co-worker on my team was leaving and i was on my way to the clock. she stopped me gave me a hug and said how proud she is of me and what i have done, since october. its been an uphill battle, but I believe i am subdueing the dragon and i AM the storm. 🙂

 

a lot to say today.one thing i like to do, is make sure people know i appreciate them, their demeanor and validate them as a person. 

i am awake, and i couldn't ask for much more, thank you to all of you. 

have a great day and if you're not right now, turn it around, all you have to do is change thoughts, a wrangling brain battle for me everyday, and i understand the struggle.

❤️ 

m

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Back in the day I would probably be so drunk by now I'd be passed out but it's not logical.  I don't even know who St Patrick was but my mind would have come up with some nonsense reason to drink today I'm sure.  Nope this is going to be the year I work through the rest of my issues and get a good life.  

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1 hour ago, sober4life said:

Back in the day I would probably be so drunk by now I'd be passed out but it's not logical.  I don't even know who St Patrick was but my mind would have come up with some nonsense reason to drink today I'm sure.  Nope this is going to be the year I work through the rest of my issues and get a good life.  

St Patrick's day actually is a religious feast day celebrating Ireland's patron saint.. While I am an atheist, I respect believers' right to believe what they want, and it is pretty pathetic how St Patrick's day has devolved into what is basically a tacky, alcohol-fueled pseudo holiday, much like Cinco de mayo.

In the US, March 17 has essentially become a day where everyone pretends to be Irish.

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Lady Smurf, Scared of something in particular or just overthinking it like me? Whether you worry or not it will not change the fact that we care about you, and want you to be ok.

hopeless, not much to add to that, as I lie in bed breathing in lemongrass scents from the difusser. I hope it lasts for a while, the difusser!

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St Patricks day was rarely mentioned when I lived in England. There were small celebrations in Ireland back then too, but nothing like on the scale of Canada and The USA. I think its probably deep down a yearning by all the suddenly Irish, to be part of the beautiful place that Ireland is remembering the roots type connections. Drinking to excess was never the plan, but like all events there are thise who want to push the limits. Let them be, I will sip a bottle of Guinness later maybe

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I have too much up and downs. At the end of work yesterday. I didnot make progress in my work speed. They will evaluate me in 2 weeks again. I feel at a low. I fear they will fire me. I improved in other areas. It sucks I have a co worker who likes to brag a lot how well she is doing. I have a notion that if I will keep gettimg depressed and stress I will end up dead from a stroke.

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On 3/14/2019 at 3:09 PM, OtherKin said:

That's like exactly what I came to realize just this morning m8, thanks 👍! Synchronicity 😛 ! Part of what I have to do is be less hard on myself, and the other part is that I need time... I watch other users post here and pay attention to their strategies as best as I can 🙂 . I can't help but wonder how many times anyone who has been here been in the same situation starting out afresh here. Hopefully anyone going through this can still press on as a battle lost and not the war 🙂 .

 

No matter my knowledge on the subject of self-help, if I'm coming from a place that is anything less than completely healed, my perspective will be off at the time and I will miss the mark. Sometimes my mood is fit and I do a good job, other times it seems that no matter my desire I am simply cognitively and emotively incapable of providing the right support from a healthy, heart-felt state. So, as long as that's going on then overall I am not stable enough to be an example of it 😞 .

The thing is, I've received such praise from a few close friends I'm working with on a discord server project. They've been at the trade for a while and I've just been at a miss as to their confidence in me just starting out now. Things are moving at a quick pace too for both me and the project, even though I'm basically having to "evolve or die," think on my feet, and prepare myself soon something that I have only had cursory experiences of competence in so far.

So, I do feel that with my desire rooted in experience of trauma and mental illness (a childhood dream I had even 😄 ) I hopefully also have the potential. It's just is it reasonable for me to expect what basically has to be exponential growth through a week or two if I just try hard enough using good judgment. Will it get me to a stable place of peace to where I'm not distressing over needing to go to the inpatient hospital in my mood swings.

Again, thanks Shio 🙂 .

Hi otherkin you're welcome being observant is a plus as I read your reply - it shows here as well as i see you use it at work. Bravo!  I've ruminated too much about occurrences, people or what negativity I encountered hence my perspective is dead on.... right. No it's my borderline personality disorder that has me thinking this way for eons. I've had this mental disease since I was 11yrs old. Childhood trauma along with a dysfunctional family.  Wow I just realized 44 yrs of struggling, fighting, nearly losing the fight. Yep I've been to that hospital and recieved the support I needed. 

Anyway I like your positive perspective and you ability to come out of the rut, so to speak 

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1 hour ago, Extremebeginner said:

St Patricks day was rarely mentioned when I lived in England. There were small celebrations in Ireland back then too, but nothing like on the scale of Canada and The USA. I think its probably deep down a yearning by all the suddenly Irish, to be part of the beautiful place that Ireland is remembering the roots type connections. Drinking to excess was never the plan, but like all events there are thise who want to push the limits. Let them be, I will sip a bottle of Guinness later maybe

Any excuse for a drink to get drunk....

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