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20YearsandCounting

How Do You Feel Right Now #10

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3 hours ago, sober4life said:

I feel like I'm in hell.  I never a moment of peace in the day.  I constantly feel like running but you can't escape hell.

Dang. Sorry my dear friend. Wish I had a magic wand so I could banish hell. You have certainly had enough of it.

 

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1 hour ago, SqueezeWax said:

I’ve been frustrated over being surrounded by kids at school who are ambitious, know what they what, and seem to so easily master everything they try. 

 

Yeah. I completely understand that feeling. The "well adjusted" crowd. Needless to say I was never in that group.

One thing I must point out is that you are an excellent writer. That may be the key to what you do in life. It's a highly useful skill in every endeavour.

Wishing you the best.

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2 hours ago, sober4life said:

Honestly what I'm doing right now is cancelling all plans for the rest of the week and getting myself well and preparing to leave this place soon.  All signs point to me leaving this place this month if things keep going the way they are.  I have to get out of here while I still have an ounce of sanity left.  It was always going to go this way.  I just didn't think it would be forced upon me so abruptly like this.

I'm so sorry sober. I can't say too much here but I think I understand what you are going through. Enforced moves are the pits.  My advice to you would be start decluttering like crazy... The less stuff you have to move, the less stress you will have on the day. It also takes up loads of time and can help take your mind off your worries.

You can reach escape velocity! 

Wishing you all the best.

Nightjar and monkey cat 🐦 :cat_jumps:

Edited by Nightjar

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I'm pretty down today. Just found out yesterday that I will definitely be out of this job at the end of the year. I don't have the energy for all that is evolved in getting a new job. I'm too young to retire yet old enough to make this a very difficult adjustment. I can't believe that this is my life. It has been hard enough already. The hard stuff just keeps coming my way. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.😥

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4 hours ago, JD4010 said:

Dang. Sorry my dear friend. Wish I had a magic wand so I could banish hell. You have certainly had enough of it.

 

There isn't anything anyone can do for me at this point.  Things just keep getting worse.  I need a miracle and I don't deserve one.  If a miracle was planned I wouldn't be mangled and put through the ringer and continually pushed to a breaking point.  Right now I'm in the calm before the storm.  The storm is coming and will either completely wipe me out or I will survive it but it's coming and it's massive.

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5 hours ago, Nightjar said:

I'm so sorry sober. I can't say too much here but I think I understand what you are going through. Enforced moves are the pits.  My advice to you would be start decluttering like crazy... The less stuff you have to move, the less stress you will have on the day. It also takes up loads of time and can help take your mind off your worries.

You can reach escape velocity! 

Wishing you all the best.

Nightjar and monkey cat 🐦 :cat_jumps:

It's not what you think.  I'm not being evicted.  My house is bought and paid for.  The situation I'm in right now is so stressful I'm willing to take off in the middle of the night and leave the house and everyone I know for good.

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On 3/2/2019 at 12:40 AM, salparadise6132 said:

I had a very nice date tonight with a woman I've known on the periphery for more than 30 years.  She asked me out.  She's smart, and a good conversationalist.  I like that. We went to a challenging Harold Pinter play and had a great time.  I really like her, as a person!

All that said, she has a big corporate job and travels the world on a whim and I am check to check and on a budget. I will keep this thing as a friendship, if she is willing, see a few cultural things now and again, get together to chat.  That,  in itself, is beautiful.  As for a relationship, although I may someday want to "make a pass" (LOL, what an old-school saying!!!), I will forever hold off on that.  Even if she was attracted enough to consider such a thing, I would be nothing more than a poor guy anvil around her neck.  

This is something I have to be at peace with and accept.

I think I can!!

Hugs, all!!!  You deserve it!

Hi Salparadise6132  I've experienced the opposite. There was a guy i met who worked as door security at CT. He was always friendly and courteous - part of the job i assumed then he started to compliment me and took the time out to say hello along with chit chats. Maybe it was my bpd but i thought he's into me. So I made the first move and gave him my number. He called and we went for lunch. But his behaviour was not the same after he saw me drive into the lot with my Jeep.  I liked him  and wanted to get to know him more but he pushed me away. I believe it was the status thing or she's too good for me ie: I drove a Jeep and he drove an old ford truck. Which didn't matter to me. Anyway it ended horribly with my texting to see if he is ok, if he wanted to meet to talk. He avoided me like the plague. He was probably not at the right time to commit to a bf gf relationship. 

BTW I live on disability so it's not like i have a tons of money or maybe he didn't like the fact I have a mental illness. 

Edited by shio

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I'm feeling stagnant and heavy with no energy. Worrying about what i should eat so I won't gain weight .... I feakin" hate these feelings yet it is solely I that can change the way i see myself and feel ...... this is no life:coopcray:

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33 minutes ago, shio said:

I'm feeling stagnant and heavy with no energy. Worrying about what i should eat so I won't gain weight .... I feakin" hate these feelings yet it is solely I that can change the way i see myself and feel ...... this is no life:coopcray:

I feel the same way you do every moment of the day.  The only time I eat the amount of food I want is when I'm sure nobody will show up to the house and see me a little bit overweight.  Most days are like living in prison because I'm sure my family will put me away again.  It's only a matter of time so I can't let them think I'm slipping in any way.  Most of the time when I'm miserable emotionally I just have to sit and suffer. 

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I've made great strides as of recent with coping with mental illness and moving forward in life but I still feel bummed because I struggle to utilize my learning experiences and coping strategies to the benefit of others. I want to help, but there's always a risk of not helping instead and I just end up feeling bummed out when that happens because I don't think there's much worse a feeling of failure when people and lives are at stake. Still, though, the greatest risk of all is to not take chances at all.

Edited by OtherKin

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Really pissed at my ex right now. She has a charmed life, numerous friends, close family, big beautiful house, etc. And I don't begrudge her that at all. We alternate weekends i.e, my son...and sometimes things come up and we have to switch. I damn near ALWAYS accommodate her, and have only rarely had to say "sorry, I can't". She nearly always accommodates me, but has had to say no as well, which was always fine.

She gets him (our son) for pretty much every holiday, as she has tons of family here, and mine is disconnected and all out of state anyway. And that's cool...I don't celebrate the major holidays anymore anyway, so she gets him for xmas, thanksgiving, memorial day, etc.

This year, Easter falls on my custodial weekend. And while I am an atheist, I still celebrate Easter, which started as a nonchristian holiday anyway before it was hijacked. Well, she says her brother and his family are coming that weekend, could she have him that weekend, and can I switch the weekend after because there's an event she and her husband want to go to... 

Ok, I understand she wants him to be able to spend time with his young cousins, etc. So I offer a compromise..I will take the Monday after Easter off, and I will pick him up on Easter Sunday around noon, when his cousins will be leaving to head back to PA anyway, and he can spend half of Sunday with me, sleep over, and I will take him to school Monday morning. I think this is a fair compromise, as I am unable to switch the following weekend, as a lot of my coworkers have requested off for travel, and they need me to work.

But no, I get a passive-aggressive attitude and a guilt trip about how, "she always switches weekends for me"...and"fine, you can have him the whole weekend (Easter)"...

I kept my cool, as I didn't want to make a scene in front of my son, but inside, I was seething..She gets him 99.5% of the time when it comes to holidays, I have bent over backwards so she could go on weekend trips with her husband for his birthday and numerous other occasions, including when he had to go into the hospital for emergency surgery, she lives the life of Riley and has our son for damn near every major event, and then I make what I think is a more than fair compromise for Easter weekend and tell her I can't switch this time and she gets s.hi.t.ty and throws attitude?!!

I am so f.uc.king over it. I don't ask for much of anything from her. She knows I struggle, but I always put on a brave face and come through for our son (and HER) when needed. I never bring up my depression anymore, because, you know, I just need to "man up", blah blah blah..

I'm tired of all the guilt trips and the condescending, patronising bulls.hit. I sacrificed everything for her, and while I certainly acknowledge my part in the destruction of the marriage and know I am no saint, I am a good person and father and I don't fu.cking deserve to be guilt tripped and made a doormat for her petty, passive-aggressive bu.ll.sh.it!😠

Some people get everything they want, and still aren't satisfied.

 

Tough s.hit, honey...

 

 

 

Edited by LonelyHiker

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9 minutes ago, LonelyHiker said:

Really pissed at my ex right now. She has a charmed life, numerous friends, close family, big beautiful house, etc. And I don't begrudge her that at all. We alternate weekends i.e, my son...and sometimes things come up and we have to switch. I damn near ALWAYS accommodate her, and have only rarely had to say "sorry, I can't". She nearly always accommodates me, but has had to say no as well, which was always fine.

She gets him (our son) for pretty much every holiday, as she has tons of family here, and mine is disconnected and all out of state anyway. And that's cool...I don't celebrate the major holidays anymore anyway, so she gets him for xmas, thanksgiving, memorial day, etc.

This year, Easter falls on my custodial weekend. And while I am an atheist, I still celebrate Easter, which started as a nonchristian holiday anyway before it was hijacked. Well, she says her brother and his family are coming that weekend, could she have him that weekend, and can I switch the weekend after because there's an event she and her husband want to go to... 

Ok, I understand she wants him to be able to spend time with his young cousins, etc. So I offer a compromise..I will take the Monday after Easter off, and I will pick him up on Easter Sunday around noon, when his cousins will be leaving to head back to PA anyway, and he can spend half of Sunday with me, sleep over, and I will take him to school Monday morning. I think this is a fair compromise, as I am unable to switch the following weekend, as a lot of my coworkers have requested off for travel, and they need me to work.

But no, I get a passive-aggressive attitude and a guilt trip about how, "she always switches weekends for me"...and"fine, you can have him the whole weekend (Easter)"...

I kept my cool, as I didn't want to make a scene in front of my son, but inside, I was seething..She gets him 99.5% of the time, I have bent over backwards so she could go on weekend trips with her husband for his birthday and numerous other occasions, including when he had to go into the hospital for emergency surgery, she lives the life of Riley and has our son for damn near every major event, and then I make what I think is a more than fair compromise for Easter weekend and tell her I can't switch this time and she gets s.hi.t.ty and throws attitude?!!

I am so f.uc.king over it. I don't ask for much of anything from her. She knows I struggle, but I always put on a brave face and come through for our son (and HER) when needed. I never bring up my depression anymore, because, you know, I just need to "man up", blah blah blah..

I'm tired of all the guilt trips and the condescending, patronising bulls.hit. I sacrificed everything for her, and while I certainly acknowledge my part in the destruction of the marriage and know I am no saint, I am a good person and father and I don't fu.cking deserve to be guilt tripped and made a doormat for her petty, passive-aggressive bu.ll.sh.it!😠

Some people get everything they want, and still aren't satisfied.

 

Tough s.hit, honey...

 

 

 

Am sorry you have to deal with that bs I just wanted to let you know that I understand what your dealing with well kinda

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i'm on a staycation, two more days! anyone live in ohio & want to see some doommetal?

doubt it. 

 but if so, friday! 

stayed outside since before noon, got home a bit after 5pm. glad the city i live in is relatively good for foot travel. 

i do have a car, but everytime i turn the engine over, i think of the things i miss out on if i were on a walk when i have to worry about parking the dang thing, its a beast, for sure! 

i am getting sick of people assuming they a) know what im thinking, at any moment, no, you dont!

b)because theyve had a consentually affirmative at some point, in any past, thats not like a bonus point to weasel you closer to earning you like a consent buffer....doesn't work that way!

c)they take my actions personally angering me quietly even more!!

d) and ill stop here; don't WANT me to apologize, tell me repeatedly to stop apologizing to him, and now he is sour about the idea that i showed up, but didn't seem like i wanted to interact. 

 

get.a.life!

stop attempting to enforce your rules, they do not apply to me!

sick ego fed delusional person.

ive been through the ringer this past week. worrying, at all times,,,

i hope you wake tomorrow with the wind at your back the sunshine at your doorstep, and you go forward without worry!

we all deserve a life free of worry. 

❤️

m

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5 hours ago, meeegs77 said:

i'm on a staycation, two more days! anyone live in ohio & want to see some doommetal?

doubt it. 

 but if so, friday! 

stayed outside since before noon, got home a bit after 5pm. glad the city i live in is relatively good for foot travel. 

i do have a car, but everytime i turn the engine over, i think of the things i miss out on if i were on a walk when i have to worry about parking the dang thing, its a beast, for sure! 

i am getting sick of people assuming they a) know what im thinking, at any moment, no, you dont!

b)because theyve had a consentually affirmative at some point, in any past, thats not like a bonus point to weasel you closer to earning you like a consent buffer....doesn't work that way!

c)they take my actions personally angering me quietly even more!!

d) and ill stop here; don't WANT me to apologize, tell me repeatedly to stop apologizing to him, and now he is sour about the idea that i showed up, but didn't seem like i wanted to interact. 

 

get.a.life!

stop attempting to enforce your rules, they do not apply to me!

sick ego fed delusional person.

ive been through the ringer this past week. worrying, at all times,,,

i hope you wake tomorrow with the wind at your back the sunshine at your doorstep, and you go forward without worry!

we all deserve a life free of worry. 

❤️

m

That (Doom Metal) sounds right up my street, sadly I am a long long way from the Mid West (UK)

Ah yes people.

Hope today is going good for you

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8 hours ago, PUGAROO1679 said:

Broken and afraid. Wife left and hard to function

Sorry to hear it...mine did the same (years ago) so I can relate. 

Keep posting...it helps. 

Happy to talk if you need a sympathetic ear..

 

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Didn't really sleep at all and feeling anxious about confronting my T in an hour over a serious misunderstanding we had last week that, imo, was not my fault.  I'm only comfortable doing a brief phone session today so that, frankly, I can get out of it quickly if I need to.

I like him better than any T I've had in years, but I haven't liked the lack of direction in our conversations the past month while I've been struggling thru some of the worst depression I've had in a long time.  It's like we're always going off on a tangent, when what I really need is help with the depression.  But, hell, idk if the conversation will even get that far.

Edited by MarkintheDark

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do you guys eat when you are depressed? i have to literally force myself to eat, because everything tastes horrible, i keep loosing weight, and my doctors/family worry about it.

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3 minutes ago, ladysmurf said:

do you guys eat when you are depressed? i have to literally force myself to eat, because everything tastes horrible, i keep loosing weight, and my doctors/family worry about it.

I either do not eat at all, or I cannot put down the fork

I don't honestly understand what causes one of those effects and not the other

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I'm trying to work through my issues.  Things aren't as dire as I thought and people are actually helping me for a change.  There is still hope.  I will stay and fight and only leave this place if it's the only option left.  I need peace in my life more than anything.  I've lived most of my life in fear for my life.  For as long as I can remember there has always been at least one person that might **** me in my life.  What kind of life is that to always live in fear for your life?  You try to get rid of all the toxic people in your life but it always seems like some of the worst ones you can't get rid of.

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